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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see SIL ever again!!!

260 replies

han3459 · 17/07/2014 13:43

My SIL and I have always differed completely on how we raise our DDs. Both of our eldest girls are 12 and it's become a constant issue between us.

Whilst SIL is a controlling psycho stricter parent (in my opinion), I am much more relaxed with my DD. For example, I let my DD wear some make up, paint her nails, has two ear piercings and occasionally will go on trips to town with her friends. I try to let my DD have some independence by letting her make decisions such as what to wear (within reason), choosing the activities she wants to participate in, and how to spend her pocket money.

SIL totally disagrees with most of these and has made this known on many occasions. She refuses to let DD go anywhere without adult supervision, won't let her wear anything she doesn't like and is totally anti any kind of make up/hair straightening etc. I do feel sorry for my DN as she is constantly not allowed to do things my DD can do, which must be hard for her.

I totally understand people have different ways of raising their children and DD is respectful of different rules in other people's houses. However, my SIL is constantly criticizing me and my DD in front of us about parenting which drives me insane.

Lately things have got much worse. A few weeks ago, SIL and BIL took DN and DD out for the day. When they stopped at a restaurant, SIL repeatedly told off DD for eating with her cutlery the wrong way round and forced her to use them the other way. I could not care less which way she uses them as long as she doesn't use her fingers and was furious as DD said she struggled to eat her meal. When I rang SIL about this, she said it was my fault for not teaching her proper social etiquette.

The last straw was a few days ago. SIL and DN came over as we were planning a family trip out. My DD was wearing a knee length dress with some mid calf length boots. It was a very cute little outfit in my opinion. However, SIL instantly made her opinion that it was inappropriate and asked my DD to change because she didn't want her daughter to thing it was an acceptable way to dress.

This led to an absolutely huge row, with SIL storming out after I refused to tell DD to change. I am so sick of having to put up with the constant judgement from her and don't think it's fair on my DD to be criticized all the time. I do feel for my DN but AIBU to stop seeing SIL so often??? All it causes is stress

OP posts:
Vintagejazz · 17/07/2014 15:13

No Wobbly, I just read the OP with an open mind and can see that there could be another viewpoint on these events.

Bowlersarm · 17/07/2014 15:16

Wobbly, who's giving the OP such a hard time?

WobblyHalo · 17/07/2014 15:17

It doesn't sound like an open mind Vintage, as all you've done is pick on negative points in the Op.

The nature of this is that we only hear one side of the story.

I read the Op as someone who wanted some advice on how to handle her SIL, not parenting tips.

I suppose we have different 'styles' of reading then and should agree to differ.

AggressiveBunting · 17/07/2014 15:17

Maybe it's time we had a thread on left- handed rightsGrin. There a fascinating book called Left hand - right hand that discusses how many of the myths of left- handedness ( such as LH people being clumsy) is really due to them being forced to live in a right- handed world.

WobblyHalo · 17/07/2014 15:18

AggressiveBunting Grin

NickiFury · 17/07/2014 15:19

I honestly cannot believe that there are people who notice and judge when someone holds their knife if their other hand. I hope you know how ridiculous and snobby you actually are.

Do agree that "cute little outfit" shouldn't be used to describe a child's clothing over the age of two and probably not before because it's nauseating.

SallyMcgally · 17/07/2014 15:23

aggressivebunting
Agreed. We're not too far from the days when children were punished in school for being left-handed, and kept in at break so that they could learn to write in the 'correct way.'

NickiFury · 17/07/2014 15:26

I was kept in every lunch break for weeks being forced to hold my cutlery in the "correct" hands. My Dad used to whine about it too. Miserable it was Sad

Snatchoo · 17/07/2014 15:27

I can't believe the people who are saying using your knife and fork in opposite hands don't have table manners.

I use them the opposite way to the 'correct' way - I eat with my mouth closed and don't put my elbows on the table. Yet for some, you would judge me on this?! Get a grip.

I used to get the bus and tube into London as a 12 year old in secondary school, and had my ears pierced (just once!) on my 12th birthday. I'm not sure of the hair and clothing but what do I know? I only have sons.

I think neither of you are wrong to parent the way you do, YANBU to not want to see SIL if she criticises you so much. Your SIL IBU for not just saying no to contact if she clearly thinks you and your daughter are such a bad influence.

WobblyHalo · 17/07/2014 15:28

That's rubbish NickiFury Sad

SarcyMare · 17/07/2014 15:28

i presumed the cutlery thing meant she was trying to use the back of her knife to cut, or using the fork as a spoon, not a poking device.

MilkandCereal · 17/07/2014 15:29

I eat 'American' style because I'm dyspraxic. It's easier for me. Yes I know not all dyspraxics do this,but I do. I also have a problem with my left arm,and sometimes can't use it at all for a while,so then I eat one handed. The horror!

I can see why people eating with their mouth open can be considered offensive,presuming that they can help it,but I fail to see why the sight of someone holding their cutlery in alternate hands would bother anyone.

MaidOfStars · 17/07/2014 15:30

But it is the equivalent of going to a business meeting, where everyone else is wearing a suit, wearing shorts and a T-shirt

Bollocks. Wearing appropriately clothing in a business meeting is a sign of respect and regard for those you are meeting with.

Holding your knife and fork in specific hands has NO purpose except as a Rule That Must Be Followed For No Apparent Reason.

Anyone citing it as bad manners to not conform in this way seriously needs to explain the purpose and propogation of such conformity, other than to allow Those Who Do to sneer at Those Who Don't.

NobodyLivesHere · 17/07/2014 15:31

i'm left handed and i hold my knife and fork 'correctly'....because i was humiliated and belittled by a teacher at school for not doing it. try, as right handed people, holding your cutlery the other way round and see how difficult that is. it doesn't make you a moron or socially inept or any of those things to do what naturally feels right. this place is full of nutters at times!

SallyMcgally · 17/07/2014 15:32

Especially when it's sometimes linked to physical attributes beyond one's control, such as left-handedness and/ or dyspraxia.

weeblueberry · 17/07/2014 15:32

Is it only me who never looks hard enough at how people are cutting up their food to even notice the cutlery thing?? I'm wondering how many people with terribly terrible social etiquette I've sat next to over the years that I've never even noticed!!

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 17/07/2014 15:32

SIL has overstepped the mark by criticising your parenting in from of your DD. Form what you say OP she seems to be in a constant state of irritation with her, so why take her out at all?

Say little, take a big step back, and find ways for the two cousins to spend time together (assuming they want to) without your SIL being able to have a go at your DD.

Snatchoo · 17/07/2014 15:34

No you are not the only one weeblueberry.

I am not left handed, it just feels more comfortable for me to eat that way.

MissDuke · 17/07/2014 15:35

I cannot believe it is considered bad manners to hold your fork in the preferred hand Grin it really is a funny old world! As a leftie, I will continue to do what pleases me, not what pleases others Wink

Op, your sil sounds like a nightmare. However I agree with others that it is very patronising of you to feel sorry for your niece. I would think more children DON'T do the things your dd is allowed to do than DO? I don't know any 12 year olds who do all those things, but then I don't know a lot of 12 year olds Wink

I say continue as you are and just distance yourself from sil. She has no business being so critical of your dd! Are you critical of her parenting to her face?

2rebecca · 17/07/2014 15:36

If you want to see less of her then just do that and don't let your daughter go for meals with them if it upsets her.
I'm not understanding the dilemma here.
Your parenting styles clash and you don't sound as though you like them so don't see them unless you have to and stand up for your daughter if they criticise her. Your husbands POV here is obviously important as they're his relatives.
Your SIL has to realise she doesn't get any say in how your child is brought up and has to back off.

Vintagejazz · 17/07/2014 15:38

Actually Wobbly I said that I believed the OP was telling the story correctly from her perspective but I felt the SIL probably had an equally valid version.
That is not 'picking on negatives' in the OP's story.

NoodleOodle · 17/07/2014 15:41

YANBU, your SIL can disagree with your parenting, she can even talk to you about it critically, what she absolutely mustn't do it undermine your parenting in front of your DD. That is the absolute height of rudeness and antithetical to familial support.

Cocolepew · 17/07/2014 15:44

Good grief, the way the ops, DD is neither here nor there . Its not as if she was licking the plate Hmm.
YANBU, anyone who storms off because someone elses child doesnt get changed out of an outfit isnt worth bothering over .

Though my opinion probably doesnt count because I hold my fork in the "wrong" hand and my 12 yo DD has 2 piercings, 3 in one ear, and goes down the town with her friend.

LauraChant · 17/07/2014 15:44

Who bloody cares what hands people hold cutlery in!! I have mine "the wrong way around" and managed to get through Oxbridge and hundreds of client lunches with no apparent difficulty. I couldn't give a toss what hands people hold a knife and fork in, what on Earth difference does it make except possibly as some sort of social shibboleth? If people are judging it says more about them.

I also find it weird that people are anti 12 year olds going anywhere alone since I and all my mates had an hour's independent bus ride to get to school at that age. But I can understand their thinking, safeguarding etc. I cannot however comprehend in a billion years this weird obsession with cutlery . You are all deeply strange.

MoominKoalaAndMiniMoom · 17/07/2014 15:48

If you really give a flying shiny shite about the way other people hold their cutlery, you need to get a life. It's a knife and a fork. Are there really people on here who'd judge people - silently or aloud - for holding their knife and fork in a way that is comfortable for them?

Mumsnet really is a paralell world sometimes. I'm rubbish with left and right, so I have no idea if I do it correctly or not. I don't particularly care - anyone who thinks the way I hold my cutlery has any bearing on me, my personality and my table manners, is not someone I'd want to go to dinner with anyway Grin