Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to see SIL ever again!!!

260 replies

han3459 · 17/07/2014 13:43

My SIL and I have always differed completely on how we raise our DDs. Both of our eldest girls are 12 and it's become a constant issue between us.

Whilst SIL is a controlling psycho stricter parent (in my opinion), I am much more relaxed with my DD. For example, I let my DD wear some make up, paint her nails, has two ear piercings and occasionally will go on trips to town with her friends. I try to let my DD have some independence by letting her make decisions such as what to wear (within reason), choosing the activities she wants to participate in, and how to spend her pocket money.

SIL totally disagrees with most of these and has made this known on many occasions. She refuses to let DD go anywhere without adult supervision, won't let her wear anything she doesn't like and is totally anti any kind of make up/hair straightening etc. I do feel sorry for my DN as she is constantly not allowed to do things my DD can do, which must be hard for her.

I totally understand people have different ways of raising their children and DD is respectful of different rules in other people's houses. However, my SIL is constantly criticizing me and my DD in front of us about parenting which drives me insane.

Lately things have got much worse. A few weeks ago, SIL and BIL took DN and DD out for the day. When they stopped at a restaurant, SIL repeatedly told off DD for eating with her cutlery the wrong way round and forced her to use them the other way. I could not care less which way she uses them as long as she doesn't use her fingers and was furious as DD said she struggled to eat her meal. When I rang SIL about this, she said it was my fault for not teaching her proper social etiquette.

The last straw was a few days ago. SIL and DN came over as we were planning a family trip out. My DD was wearing a knee length dress with some mid calf length boots. It was a very cute little outfit in my opinion. However, SIL instantly made her opinion that it was inappropriate and asked my DD to change because she didn't want her daughter to thing it was an acceptable way to dress.

This led to an absolutely huge row, with SIL storming out after I refused to tell DD to change. I am so sick of having to put up with the constant judgement from her and don't think it's fair on my DD to be criticized all the time. I do feel for my DN but AIBU to stop seeing SIL so often??? All it causes is stress

OP posts:
littlemslazybones · 17/07/2014 14:24

Funny cross post, controlling psycho was in answer to wobbly's question not a comment on tattoo's post.

Purpleroxy · 17/07/2014 14:24

Do the girls actually get on?
If not, then stop these arrangements. Nobody is benefitting.
The arguments seem quite petty and I can't figure out why sil cares. I can understand she wants her dd to hold cutlery conventionally but cannot understand why she cares how your dd holds it etc.

MoRaw · 17/07/2014 14:26

Agree with Calloh. Captures exactly what I wanted to say on this matter.

My one concern is that the two of you may ruin the relationship between the two girls. You and your SIL will looking to prove that your parenting approach is the best and will be looking to see which one of your kids "turns out to be the best/successful". This vibes will possibly transfer to the two girls and and their relationship may forever have underlying angst.

Original poster
han3459 · 17/07/2014 14:26

Thanks for all the responses everyone!

With regards to the cutlery issue, my DD has great table manners. She eats with a knife and fork and holds them properly, just has the fork in her right hand and knife in her left. I really don't see the issue? I do the same, and have been to plenty of formal events and no one has ever said anything??

OP posts:
MoRaw · 17/07/2014 14:28

Sorry, my post wasn't entirely clear. I meant:

My one concern is that the two of you may ruin the relationship between the two girls. You and your SIL will be looking to prove that your respective parenting approach is the best and will be looking to see which one of your kids "turns out to be the best/successful". This vibes will possibly transfer to the two girls and and their relationship may forever have underlying angst.

Joysmum · 17/07/2014 14:28

I'm with you on the freedoms, clothing etc

I'm not with you on the knife and fork.

However, my dd has been taught to respect the boundaries if others if less than hers and to stay within hers if greater than hers. She'd get into trouble if she stepped out if line either way.

I certainly wouldn't correct your child re the knife and fork, I'd also not try to get your child to change if you'd approved the outfits.

I would take the same line as you and step away from mixing as your SIL clearly is undermining your parenting and not respecting your boundaries.

HeyBabyBaby71 · 17/07/2014 14:29

When you say she was using her cutlery 'the wrong way round' do you mean she was holding her fork by the tines, and the knife by the blade? I'd correct that too...

Joysmum · 17/07/2014 14:30

It's not about the parenting, it's about the social skills if their parents to respect social boundaries. My daughter if friends with children who aren't patented in the same way we do. No problem as the parents share our views about respect and boundaries.

Bambamb · 17/07/2014 14:33

Just in the interest of balance, I am left handed, my DF and DB are also left handed. We all hold our cutlery the 'correct' way around. I guess it's just how we were taught, and probably due to this is how I have taught my DS. I wouldn't correct someone else's child though, but I would definitely notice at grown up doing this and probably be a bit.....hmm?

BubaMarra · 17/07/2014 14:44

SIL is being unreasonable for criticising your parenting style especially in front of your DD. But TBH, it does sound like you are doing the same to her. You even said you feel sorry for DN!
I do belive that double piercing, hair straightening and make up are a bit tooo much for a 12yo. And I think by 12 children should learn how to use cutlery.

NickiFury · 17/07/2014 14:44

There is NO issue with how your dd holds her cutlery and I would have been fuming too if someone had moaned at my dd about it.

WobblyHalo · 17/07/2014 14:52

Maybe the op's feelings about SIL's parenting does show... does that give SIL the right to treat op and her DD like that? Is it okay then?

Surely with the SIL storming out, it is clear that she is not prepared to discuss the different parenting styles?

Op, I really don't know why you're getting such a hard time. Try to speak to her when she's calmed down. Good luck.

IceBeing · 17/07/2014 14:53

Wow this is genuinely funny! How utterly unreasonable people find it that someone uses their knife and fork the other way around.

This is the ultimate in what the hell business is it of anyone else's? Does it hurt anyone else?

The other things...hair straightening, make up etc. actually have some potential for negative knock on effects on the DN and young girls in general (not that I would in a million years say anything to my SIL on such a topic let alone in front of their child and it was massive U of OPs SIL to do so).

But the knife and fork is a genuinely victimless crime. So how come that's the major sticking point??

The conformity monster is hungry today.

rose202 · 17/07/2014 14:57

OP I think my question has been lost among the many response.

Can I ask again, when your SIL insisted that your DD change her outfit is it because a dress r was it that your SIL felt embarrassed by your DD's outfit?

BabyMarmoset · 17/07/2014 14:59

Conformity monster says that of course it doesn't matter

But it is the equivalent of going to a business meeting, where everyone else is wearing a suit, wearing shorts and a T-shirt.

You don't do it because it matters, you do it because not doing it shows you up as a moron not having bother to learn basic etiquette. There was a Giles Coren article recently where he rips into fat guzzling American by saying it is epitomized by them not holding their cutlery correctly.

WobblyHalo · 17/07/2014 15:02

There was a thread earlier this week about about Mumsnet being another parallel universe.... I see it now....

lainiekazan · 17/07/2014 15:04

Just holding knife and fork in other hands - no big deal. Holding knife like a pen, or holding cutlery in fists ( I have witnessed this with adults!) looks awful and should be corrected straightaway.

The clothes etc.... I do see the sil's point. My dd is quite impressionable and if she had a cousin with double piercings, trendy clothes and make-up, she'd be hassling me for the same. As it is I have to undertake a subtle campaign to try to steer her away from the precocious girls at school.

I wonder if your sil is afraid of being seen as the staid, killjoy mother and you are the cool, with-it mum?

domoarigato · 17/07/2014 15:04

mimisunshine is right because I agree with your SILs parenting, but I don't agree that she can tell you how to raise your child.

IceBeing · 17/07/2014 15:05

baby but but but...we have different levels of smartness of dress and one can indicate respect by adhering to them appropriately...not so with cutlery...

I suppose if you laid a place setting with a silver jewel encrusted fork, a normal fork and a plastic spork then produced your pride and joy beef wellington to a collective gasp from your diners...you might possibly take some social slappage from the number of people who opted to use the spork to eat it....

likewise if someone tucked into your perfect in every way roast dinner with their fingers you might feel slighted.

But using the exact same cutlery in opposite hands makes NO DIFFERENCE at all.

ljny · 17/07/2014 15:06

I'm currently in the US, where a population over 300,000,000 all hold their cutlery 'the wrong way'.

SallyMcgally · 17/07/2014 15:06

You don't do it because it matters, you do it because not doing it shows you up as a moron

Seriously? I've never thought that my DH is a moron because he holds his fork in his right hand. I've thought many things about those unmannerly enough to judge him for it though.
Holding cutlery 'incorrectly' is symptomatic of greed and obesity???

Vintagejazz · 17/07/2014 15:09

Wobbyhalo
You said that the OP wasn't judging or criticising her SIL's parenting, when actually it was clear in her post that she was.

In any event, I still think there's probably two very differing versions of the events described by the OP. I'm not saying she isn't telling things truthfully from her perspective, but I just think the SIL could probably equally post on here and people would be saying 'Oh YANBU, you're SIL sounds very annoying/critical/lax ' or whateve'.

CheeryName · 17/07/2014 15:12

Just don't spend time together. You clearly hate your SIL and think you and your ways are the best. Why put DN and DD through all the judging you are doing?

BTW did you really mean to say your 12 yo was wearing 'a cute little outfit'?!

QuintessentiallyQS · 17/07/2014 15:12

I reckon people have been too polite to correct an adults table manners?

I can see why you are incensed that your SIL was correcting your dds way of holding the cutlery, if you have taught your dd the wrong way.

You both sound as bad as eachother.

But, high boots and short dress does not sound "cute" on a pre teen.

Make up, and unsupervised trips to town with friends, is not something I personally would allow, and not something the mother of girls and boys I know would allow.

I am surprised your SIL still wants her dd to spend so much time with yours, and taking her to restaurants and stuff, when clearly she thinks your dd is a bad influence on her daughter.

WobblyHalo · 17/07/2014 15:13

Vintagejazz, are you the SIL?