to warn first time mums about the first day home from hospital?- but then to say things get better!

[moscowflyer]

I had my gorgeous DTDs a month ago via ELCS at 38 weeks. The whole experience was really very lovely and positive. We were incredibly lucky with the pregnancy and the C-section. The hospital stay was great (we are expats living abroad, and hospitals here only have private rooms, not wards). The babies didn't need any special care and were with us from the moment they came out. DH stayed with us in the hospital for four nights and on the fifth day we came home. All of this is just to underline how fortunate we were and to explain that there weren't any bad experiences. The only difficulty was that we were very sleep deprived because the four of us had all been in one little room in the hospital for 4 nights so neither of us parents got more than 45 minutes sleep at a time.

Day 5 after they were born, the day we came home from hospital, was just AWFUL. I can honestly say I have never felt worse in my life. Waiting to be discharged from hospital DH and I were both so scared, obsessive, paranoid, depressed, exhausted. We were sweating with nerves and hormones (me). DH broke one of the car seats trying to get it out of the car out of sheer stress and frustration. We had a huge argument over this (we really rarely argue at all). On the way out of the hospital we nearly crashed into an ambulance. DH started swearing and gesturing at the driver. We had another argument. We got home and I just walked in the door with the pram and burst into uncontrollable sobs, and didn't stop crying for six hours. I also ranted and raged at DH for a gazillion different things. He took it on the chin but was badly shaken himself. I was totally inconsolable. I felt like death. It was utterly hideous. (Though, looking back, it does have some comedy value!)

In all of this the babies were absolutely fine- they slept through all the drama like two angels! We were very lucky. We had booked a maternity nurse to help out with the babies that night. She arrived that night to find me in shreds, DH on the verge of hysterics, and two sleeping babies. She put me to bed, and from the next morning Things. Got. Better. Now, a month on, life is (very gradually) taking a wonderful new shape.

I was chatting about this to a friend yesterday and she said every single woman she knows with kids has had a similar experience. Which got me thinking that forewarned is forearmed in these situations. I really wish someone had told me beforehand: (a) the day you get home from hospital with your first baby/babies is HORRENDOUS; (b) it starts to get better from that day on!

AIBU to think all first time mums should be told this?

Would really like to hear about other people's experiences, too. (Might reassure us that we're not the only couple to have had a massive row over car seats in the hospital car park!)

Sorry Mrs but I disagree with you.

I have read the thread and before the OP began name calling I did not see any nasty posts.

I saw posts that disagreed with her.
I saw posts that said YABU.
I also saw posts which questioned her DH's anger but I didn't see any bullying, nasty or snidey posts.

Would be so kind as to point them out to me as I appear to have missed them.

op I thought that word was a mixture of fuck and bastard too. Looks like a whole bunch of us we're just as naive regarding it's degrading disabilist meaning.

Like someone said , hide the thread carry on using MNand most people won't remember this in a week, if that.

Dotty since the OP has explained her use of that horrid word, and clearly was not being disablist, are you going to offer her an apology? I

Bullying might be a bit far but the aggressive tone of your posts is, frankly, revolting.

The bit of lightheartedness in her OP was plain to see but clearly most on this thread have had a sense of humour bypass.

This truly is MN at it's worst.

As a PP said Moscow take no notice. Go and enjoy the sun with your LOs. Leave the nasty aggressive perfect parents to themselves, those of us in the real world are more civilised to talk to.

I think that it is important that people do speak about their experiences.

After DD1's birth I felt that as our experience hadnt been the blissed out experience others had had that we werent allowed to talk about it. It felt as though mentioning 1 crap thing about the labour and first few weeks meant that we then had to mention 10 happy things.

Talking honestly about all the crap bits would result in the head tilt and 'are you coping?'

Why should I apologise?

I think the OP had got some fairly smug and unsympathetic responses, long before the offensive word was used.

Hooray for all those people who were blissed out, quaffing champagne and droolingly happy! I had a 55 hour labour, EMCS, five nights with minimal sleep and ended up in sobs at 2am on the maternity ward on day 3. It was also one of the happiest weeks of my life. Women need to hear about a range of experiences and I think she was trying to contribute to that.

I think her original post was meant to be lighthearted and I saw some funny sides to it too. So what that she failed to say 'sometimes' - posting on AIBU should not be like stepping into the wolves' enclosure at Whipsnade, naked apart from a meat bikini...

Well said BranchingOut

Because you accused her of being disablist and she has quite clearly stated what she thought that word meant and she quite clearly wasn't! I've never heard that word before and her explanation is perfectly reasonable. If you accuse someone of doing something and it turns out you were wrong, you apologise! It's basic good manners.

I've never heard that word before. My first thought was why are people getting worked up about it-we hear worse on mn every day. That's because I assumed it was short for fucking bastard. I hear that phrase way more often than the one it turns out that it does mean so that's why I just made that assumption. I guess lots of people would do the same.

Just hide the thread OP. Don't put yourself through reading it all.

This was my post to the OP after she threw around the name calling:

Whoa whats with the name calling!
Arseholes .Fucktard hmm (You do know that the term Fucktard is slang for fucking retard don't you OP) Disgusting language.

Look nobody has sworn at you and nobody has called you names.
Some felt your DH's reactions were over the top and could mean much more. You disagree then fine but when you aske for opinions you are always going to get ones that differ from yours.

I think your big girl pants need to be pulled up higher because now you are being immature.

It was Pedler that called it disabalist.

Since the OP has come back and explained that she did not know about that particular word have I called her disabalist??

No I haven't so I think it is you who owe me an apology middl for excusing me of something I have not said.

Dottydoo you are behaving like a dog with a bone. The op is upset enough. I too didn't know what that word stood for so get over yourself. And yes you behaved like a bully.

I think the point here is that everyone has had their own both trauma/emergency/delights and I for one didn't like the tone of her OP telling me this is what to expect. That part was nonsense. I'm not apologising for my posts either. No reason too.

Oh and I almost died as did my DD3 I'm not going to jump on mumsnet saying omg y'all you will all end up maybe dying. My DH most definitely didn't break things in a rage either. It's extreme behaviour.

I am not out to upset the OP.

I am standing up for myself to those (not the OP) who are accusing me of bulling and calling the OP names. None of which I have done.

As I have said before show me the posts where I bullied because that is a very nasty accusation and I would like it retracted.

You are being very...tenacious Dotty.

Pull your big girl pants up and accept that people just won't interpret your posts as you may have intended

This was said after the OP started banding about disabilist insults but if you want to stand up for her feel free however doesn't look like the OP will be grateful of your efforts.

Dotty, I quote from your post of 11.15 above. So you DID accuse her of being disablist. Whether or not you've stopped since she explained herself is irrelevant. You, and everyone else who said it, owe her an apology. All I've seen her do is try and defend herself from nasty posters and having read the whole thread, you are by far the worst offender. You have an aggressive tone which is completely unnecessary. The fact that this is in AIBU does not give you the right to be just plain rude.

Alis

To be fair to Dotty I didn't interpret her out to upset OP in any way so to say 'people' is inaccurate I'm afraid.

This is an opinions board and that's all that's been offered (to a point) on this thread. If the OP wants sympathy their are better suited boards.

It's fairly clear that some "people" have seen the posts that way Cocktails.

I am aware this is an opinions board, thank you.

Yanbu.

I wish more people had talked to me about how difficult the first days are. Because all you ever hear is 'lovely, lovely, exciting', I was seriously WTF on my first day home. It was so difficult. On top of which, everyone brushes baby blues away like its nothing. I cried for hours every day. I thought something was wrong with me because I couldn't enjoy the first days and because it was so tough.

Some of the posters above sound really smug.
If you had an amazing experience, great. But so many people above are so dismissive of the negative experiences the poster had. IMO, if we don't talk openly about how difficult it can be, it isn't fair to all those women who found it difficult.

So yanbu at all.

Then say SOME people. Don't make sweeping untrue generalisations.

No, I said she banded disabalist insults around. I did not accuse her of being disabalist. There is a difference.

At the end of the day the OP came back on and stated she did not know it was such an insult and that's fine. I have not, since her explanation pulled her up on it. I do not owe her an apology because the word she used is disabalist I never said she was I said the word she used was.

You can attempt to portray me as a bully all you like but there is zero evidence of that. In fact my first 2 posts were far from it.

It was the OP's name calling post that caused me to lose sympathy however I still have not bullied her but I have stood up to those that decided I was the bully.

OP sorry you had a hard time, everyone's esperience is different. I was climbing up the walls in hospital (I was in for 5 days while DD had strep treatment) so the first day home was a great relief!
It can be hard after being looked after in hospital to get into "new normal" routine. You can see the wahing up needs doing, meals need cooking, floors need hoovering etc and you have to ignore that and focus on a) looking after your babies andb) sleep!
Hope things get better from now on! And try & get some help with the chores :-)

Cocktail

Sorry, are you my mum or one of my former teacher?

It is very rude to communicate in imperatives.

Dotty you posted this, just before the OP did bloody come back! For all your apparent experience of how having newborn twins is easy, you find people not being on mumsnet 24 hours a day difficult to cope with!

I actually joined Mumsnet when the twins were babies because I wanted a forum where people understood children interfered with replying to all posts immediately. This is literally true.

Good thing I didn't run into you back then, isn't it?
Oh, and I don't understand YOU. Good thing we're all different, really...

OP has chosen not to come back and acknowledge that her use of it was out of order. Then all the aww but she's got twins let her off posts .

I don't understand how anyone cannot know what it means. It's is obvious to me that it is a bastardisation of those 2 words.

I have not accused you of being a bully. I have said your posting style is aggressive. There's a difference there too.

I find I can stand up for myself without needing to be aggressive. Clearly you can't. Oh well, your problem, not mine. I'm going to enjoy the sunshine now.