to warn first time mums about the first day home from hospital?- but then to say things get better!

[moscowflyer]

I had my gorgeous DTDs a month ago via ELCS at 38 weeks. The whole experience was really very lovely and positive. We were incredibly lucky with the pregnancy and the C-section. The hospital stay was great (we are expats living abroad, and hospitals here only have private rooms, not wards). The babies didn't need any special care and were with us from the moment they came out. DH stayed with us in the hospital for four nights and on the fifth day we came home. All of this is just to underline how fortunate we were and to explain that there weren't any bad experiences. The only difficulty was that we were very sleep deprived because the four of us had all been in one little room in the hospital for 4 nights so neither of us parents got more than 45 minutes sleep at a time.

Day 5 after they were born, the day we came home from hospital, was just AWFUL. I can honestly say I have never felt worse in my life. Waiting to be discharged from hospital DH and I were both so scared, obsessive, paranoid, depressed, exhausted. We were sweating with nerves and hormones (me). DH broke one of the car seats trying to get it out of the car out of sheer stress and frustration. We had a huge argument over this (we really rarely argue at all). On the way out of the hospital we nearly crashed into an ambulance. DH started swearing and gesturing at the driver. We had another argument. We got home and I just walked in the door with the pram and burst into uncontrollable sobs, and didn't stop crying for six hours. I also ranted and raged at DH for a gazillion different things. He took it on the chin but was badly shaken himself. I was totally inconsolable. I felt like death. It was utterly hideous. (Though, looking back, it does have some comedy value!)

In all of this the babies were absolutely fine- they slept through all the drama like two angels! We were very lucky. We had booked a maternity nurse to help out with the babies that night. She arrived that night to find me in shreds, DH on the verge of hysterics, and two sleeping babies. She put me to bed, and from the next morning Things. Got. Better. Now, a month on, life is (very gradually) taking a wonderful new shape.

I was chatting about this to a friend yesterday and she said every single woman she knows with kids has had a similar experience. Which got me thinking that forewarned is forearmed in these situations. I really wish someone had told me beforehand: (a) the day you get home from hospital with your first baby/babies is HORRENDOUS; (b) it starts to get better from that day on!

AIBU to think all first time mums should be told this?

Would really like to hear about other people's experiences, too. (Might reassure us that we're not the only couple to have had a massive row over car seats in the hospital car park!)

DC1 I got home the day after having him. Nice easy taxi ride home and straight to bed. Spent the rest of the day feeding and relaxing in bed while DP pottered round.

DC2 I had last Sunday. Got home on the lunch time and had the first lot of visitors round an hour later. I was running on pure adrenaline as no nap was had that day!

So on that basis, Yabu.
I'm sorry you had a shit time but it really isn't like that for everyone else.

YABU, not everyone goes through the same experience. Sorry to hear your experience was so traumatic.

I think we should have balanced views out there so new to be mums dont think their inital experience will always be traumatic. I am a first mum with a six month old. I had a CS on NYE and it was a great birth. We went home New Years Day Because i wanted home comforts. DH and I were nervous but it didn't feel traumatic. I did get baby blues for a couple days but that was a couple weeks after DD was born and that was to do with sleep deprivation and also the fact I couldn't exercise. It really wasn't traumatic and I really enjoyed having DD home. Sleep deprivation sucks though.

OP, I know where you're coming from. We didn't have quite as bad a time as it sounds like you did, but I did have a bit of a mini existential crisis the day we came home with DS. We were discharged quite late (7pm) on a miserable and dark November evening, I hadn't been home for over a week as had been admitted to the antenatal ward a couple of days before he was born, and because he was born at 37 weeks we hadn't managed to get the house exactly as I had planned I would once my maternity leave started. Plus I suddenly got really emotional about what we had done to our dog and cats by bringing home this tiny human that I didn't want them anywhere near (I realise this sounds a bit crazy now).

Basically, I think it was only when we got home that the reality dawned on me as to what we had done and that life would never ever be the same again. Started having a panic attack and had to have a large glass of red wine to try and calm down as thought that would probably be preferable to valium because of bf-ing!

We made it through that first night, and like you, things started to get much better from the dawning of the new day.

I think other posters are very lucky if they had the perfect homecoming that you see on film, adverts etc. I can't see where the harm is in letting potential first time mums know that even if they have a hard first day home, the chances are things will quickly improve (mentally, even if not in terms of sleep deprivation etc!).

Hmmm no huge rows here either time I brought my babies home, nor did DP nearly crash the car, but i did have a massive "but what do I DO with her?!" the first time. Luckily my sister couldn't wait to see her niece so surprised me with a visit and showed me how to bath her, work the steriliser and knew what to do about her dry skin

I seemed to know nothing despite having read instructions/listened intently to MW at the hospital. It was quite a nice day actually. Until the awful colic (DD) and crippling PND (me) took hold over next few days/weeks.

The second time was a breeze!

Oh dear what an awful day for you but... YABDU trying to put the fear of god in anyone reading this that may be about to give birth. I'm sure not everyone has your incompetent husband so they'll be just fine. 3 babies down the line here and our first day home was perfect with them all.

Nope. With DC1 I was home by lunchtime the same day, stuffing my face with biscuits with a baby on the boob. DC2 was a home birth and I walked DC1 to nursery the same morning! I accept that I was lucky, but I cannot imagine my OH behaving like that for one second...

With dd things were fine til I got home. Dh had got MIL to come round to clean the house and she was going mad about my skirting boards being dusty. I'd been in hospital for 2 weeks!!!

With Ds, I asked dh to ensure the car had petrol. Dd had a fit that I was going to sit in the front and we ended up running out of petrol on the motorway and required a breakdown truck to take us to the petrol station. The recovery driver then upset me by asking me to leave the doll in the car, cue hormonal crying about my newborn. Finally got home and my 83 year old neighbour told me off for coming home so soon!!!!

At the time it wasn't funny but now we do laugh.

My first day was lovely too, with both babies.

With DS we got out of hospital on Christmas day.After popping home, we went over to my folk's for Christmas lunch. It was a really special day. I have a lovely photo of me gazing down at our amazing new baby, him wearing a very cute reindeer outfit, me with glass of champagne in hand (a great treat after 9 months of abstinence!).

With DD, we managed to get discharged the same day, and got home about midnight. That night and the following day I just hung out at home, breastfeeding and marvelling at our wonderful new human, along with DP, DS (then 4) and our lovely lodger.

First time round, our ante-natal friends kept saying how tough they were finding it, and we just kept schtum, as it wasn't tough at all for us. I think the thing that made the biggest difference was we had the luxury of having DP home with me for a few months, not just 2 weeks. (He was self-employed and able to take a long break so he did). That made things so much easier. Second time round it was very different. Being at home with 2 kids on my own when DP went back to work at 1 week was a very different experience, and it was tough.

But still, the first day was the opposite of horrendous!

FWIW I agree new mums are often unprepared for the reality of a new baby, for example how much and often they feed, wake up and generally need attention, so even the simplest things (going to the toilet / having a shower / popping to the shop) suddenly become logistical challenges. We don't talk about this kind of thing enough I think. But everyone does not have the same experience. Very misleading to say so IMO.

YABU! I brought my baby home on day 4 (had had one overnight in the main hospital & three nights in the local midwife-run unit) - we were tired, but happy and looking forward to seeing how life was going to sort itself out with a baby.

I loved being back at home, in my own bed, with DC1 in his Moses basket next to me, pootling around the house as and when - was bliss.

No arguments, no drama, no broken car seats, no paranoia - I suspect most peoples' experiences are going to be closer to mine than yours.

I also hit a real low around day 4 to 5 but was still in hospital on the post natal ward from hell. The day I took dd home was brilliant - proper food, dp could help with the nights, and I finally got to sleep when dd slept rather than being kept awake by everyone else on the ward.

Sorry but YABU . My first day home was lovely. I felt so relaxed and pleased to be home. I was home te next day after giving birth though. I found my hospital experience hideous though so I was relieved to leave.

Maybe because your hospital experience was so good you missed the care and support there.

Sorry OP not my experience at all with any of my DC's.

I came home with DTD after 3 days in hospital and well no drama just normal life. There was just me, DH, DS1, DS2 and DTD, we just got on with it.
It was lovely to be home and it was stress free. Tiring granted but new borns are.

I am sorry you had such a traumatic first day at home but I really don't think that's the norm.

YABU and it's not good to read this at advanced stages of pregnancy. You were lucky to have a single room where your DH could stay. Most people won't have that. I'm sorry it turned bad for you after that, but it's not the norm.

I had five days in with DD because of complications. My DH was in Afghanistan. I went home by taxi as couldn't drive after c section and it was a happy and relaxed time. Despite being in a six bay ward, I slept and so did DD in hospital and at home we slept as well. I'm about to have a second and am excited about bringing her home.

Does it not have more to do with the fact that you came home on day 5 when the baby blues were kicking in?!

I completely expect to feel like I don't know what to do with ds but your experience sounds way more dramatic than all of my mummy friends.... However, I might change my mind in a couple of days haha

Yabu my first day at home was not like that. I was discharged the next day, couldn't wait to go home after the mw kept me in then ignored us. We went home in a taxi to a cold house as it was winter. Put the heating on, then thought 'now what???'. Ate tea and went to bed!

The next few days were probably the most difficult but that was down to feeding and me feeling rubbish from being anaemic.

I was desperate to be out of hospital after five days, also with twins. I was exhausted, the whole experience post birth had been awful. So in that sense I was very glad to be out. But that long in hospital unable to sleep between having twins and the general hospital noise, I was a wreck, so have much sympathy. The difference in our case was that DH had not been allowed to stay. I'd have loved him to but it wasn't allowed, but then he had had more sleep so was in a better state to cope.

My hospital stay was pretty crap so I was glad to be home. I remember feeling on a high. That soon dissipated as troubles with bf ensued - and exhaustion (after days in labour and haemorrhaging after traumatic birth) hit me like a ton of bricks. It did get better, though it took time. My first few days home were very hard - but for many it isn't. My dd was very sicky and didn't sleep/ nap.

This time around I am more prepared that it might be difficult. It might not be though...! I have decided on a c section as I cannot risk another birth like my first one - and subsequent months of exhaustion and pain- no way!!!

Maybe get some anger management or counselling for your dh?

Yabu, your experience is highly unusual. Are you otherwise threading on eggshells with this man?

I think day 5 is tearful for some people but that doesn't mean it's horrendous.

I came home on day 5 with DS1. I cried in the car park lifts because they smelled of wee and \i didn't want my perfect baby growing up in a world where people think it's ok to piss in a lift.

Hormones. We laugh about it now.

I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time, OP. I don't often see people holding back on here with birth stories, and plenty of times I have read how awful induction is and to be avoided at all costs, or the recovery from a C Section (mine was great FWIW). I don't see other posters piling in then to tell the OP off for frightening pregnant women.

Thanks PetShopGirl! Feeling a little battered here!

Poor DH is wonderful! Not incompetent or violent at all! He's getting a very hard time here too- I thought people would be a bit more understanding- in fact thought ours story was a bit comical rather than incredibly shocking. We didn't ACTUALLY have an accident we NEARLY did which isn't really that serious!

Will write more in a bit but DTs awake atm!

We brought eldest home in triumph as he had survived a nasty strep B episode (fortnight in SCBU) so our What Now moment was at about three weeks.

The youngest was a crash c section, no time for a What Now with newborn, toddler, cs wound

OP I see you mean well, but not everyone is going to have a hideous homecoming, so YABU for scaremongering

our story

Hmm yabu it wasn't like that for either of mine.
With ds we were both nervous about taking him home and grinning like loons but we got home, unpacked and I fell asleep with him on the sofa with the new cosy blanket dh had bought.
With dd we were delighted to get out after 3 days and I just couldn't wait to get home to ds and show dd to my parents who were looking after him.
Again I went to bed with baby and dh and ds went out to play.
I've had lovely relaxed times until dd went into hospital aged 12 days and we were there for a week.

Telling your birth story is one thing but you posted this like a Public Service announcement.

And people can only go on what you post, and your h didn't come across great.