to warn first time mums about the first day home from hospital?- but then to say things get better!

[moscowflyer]

I had my gorgeous DTDs a month ago via ELCS at 38 weeks. The whole experience was really very lovely and positive. We were incredibly lucky with the pregnancy and the C-section. The hospital stay was great (we are expats living abroad, and hospitals here only have private rooms, not wards). The babies didn't need any special care and were with us from the moment they came out. DH stayed with us in the hospital for four nights and on the fifth day we came home. All of this is just to underline how fortunate we were and to explain that there weren't any bad experiences. The only difficulty was that we were very sleep deprived because the four of us had all been in one little room in the hospital for 4 nights so neither of us parents got more than 45 minutes sleep at a time.

Day 5 after they were born, the day we came home from hospital, was just AWFUL. I can honestly say I have never felt worse in my life. Waiting to be discharged from hospital DH and I were both so scared, obsessive, paranoid, depressed, exhausted. We were sweating with nerves and hormones (me). DH broke one of the car seats trying to get it out of the car out of sheer stress and frustration. We had a huge argument over this (we really rarely argue at all). On the way out of the hospital we nearly crashed into an ambulance. DH started swearing and gesturing at the driver. We had another argument. We got home and I just walked in the door with the pram and burst into uncontrollable sobs, and didn't stop crying for six hours. I also ranted and raged at DH for a gazillion different things. He took it on the chin but was badly shaken himself. I was totally inconsolable. I felt like death. It was utterly hideous. (Though, looking back, it does have some comedy value!)

In all of this the babies were absolutely fine- they slept through all the drama like two angels! We were very lucky. We had booked a maternity nurse to help out with the babies that night. She arrived that night to find me in shreds, DH on the verge of hysterics, and two sleeping babies. She put me to bed, and from the next morning Things. Got. Better. Now, a month on, life is (very gradually) taking a wonderful new shape.

I was chatting about this to a friend yesterday and she said every single woman she knows with kids has had a similar experience. Which got me thinking that forewarned is forearmed in these situations. I really wish someone had told me beforehand: (a) the day you get home from hospital with your first baby/babies is HORRENDOUS; (b) it starts to get better from that day on!

AIBU to think all first time mums should be told this?

Would really like to hear about other people's experiences, too. (Might reassure us that we're not the only couple to have had a massive row over car seats in the hospital car park!)

I haven't rtft (12 pages is too long!) but skimming through I see a lot of people think you abu. OP I think it's lovely you wanted to reach out to others who may be struggling and let them know it can be shit and yes it can get better.

There are always going to be posters who sailed through pregnancy, birth and having a new born who really cant understand how people are/have struggled.

Of course most of us probably didn't have a night nurse!

It's helpful to hear non smug good experiences too. Of which there were plenty to be fair.

Definitely needed for a balanced thread.

I got puerperal psychosis last time. Probably going to get it this time too. But hey. Cuddles on the sofa with a cheeky brew watching homes under the hammer sounds absolutely spiffing! Prrrroooooobably not going to happen though. Unless, of course, it's on the tv of the psychiatric hospital.

Totes sozzles if I've scared any preggo MNers!!

Thanks sillylass I've got everything crossed! I am going to FF this time so I can take anti-psychotics and hopefully bounce back quicker. As nice as they tried to make that mother and baby unit I felt like I was in hell.

I was just bummed for OP that she might be really struggling in ways she didnt say. As a pp said people just not knowing the scary stuff can make it really hard for them to understand which can end up in really damaging comments. And you just feel like you've failed because you weren't just opening cards and drinking tea like you thought you would be. Been there.

I agree that the main problem was coming home on day 5. I came home still on a high, although quite nervous about ds being in the car etc., on day 4/5 I was a sobbing wreck unable to cope with anything.

Anyone who had a bad case of the baby blues can see how coinciding that with the first nervous time without hospital backup would lead to a mess.

I agree that the main problem was coming home on day 5. I came home still on a high, although quite nervous about ds being in the car etc., on day 4/5 I was a sobbing wreck unable to cope with anything.

Anyone who had a bad case of the baby blues can see how coinciding that with the first nervous time without hospital backup would lead to a mess.

OP I had a similar coming home experience. Don't know why everyone is being so horrible as you were clearly trying to be lighthearted.

I had specifically asked DH to read the instructions for the car seat in advance, of course he didn't bother and we spent ages trying to work it out. Then after we had got DS into the car DH decides to make a work phone call. I'd had very little sleep in 3 days and ended up practically hysterical that DS was turning blue in the car seat as he looked so tiny and squashed in it.

Then we get home and DH for some reason decides to burn a paper bag in the fireplace that had a plastic liner. I had gone upstairs with DS to try and sleep and came rushing down the stairs with Ds because all I could smell was burning plastic.

I had been told to watch out for flashing lights in my vision as I was at risk of something(can't remember what now), but I would have to back to hospital. DH had installed a CO detector unknown to me that flashed every few minutes to show it was sill working. Of course I totally freaked out as I thought it was just me seeng flashing lights!

Then I was convinced that the floor was vibrating and insisted we got out of the house even though DH couldn't feel it. Even outside it felt like the ground was vibrating so clearly a symptom of my lack of sleep or PND.

We can laugh about it now, but I had a horrific first few days.

Congratulations on your twins.

I came home on day 5 and day 10 with my two (problematic pregnancies so I wasn't allowed out earlier though I was dying to get home) and I was thrilled to get home. I can't sleep well in hospitals and getting back to a proper bed, a nice bath and homecooked food was fantastic. Only being woken up by a baby rather than by the night shift crashing about all over the place and waking you up for blood pressure tests etc when you'd finally just got to sleep. Home was bliss. I was lucky enough not to have any baby blues with either. We're all different.

Oh god trixy it does sound funny when you look back. It was probably heightened anxiety and hormones!

With DS1, I came home on day 4 as the baby blues were hitting. I remember sobbing for no particular reason in the back of the car. Getting out of the hospital was a farce. DS required a nappy change in the reception where there were no facilities. I'd had SPD and was close to housebound before the birth. That was before the long labour, emcs and other complications on top of the general insomnia that accompanies light, noisy overheated wards. We asked if I could use a wheelchair, and was told that if I couldn't walk out, I wasn't fit to go home, when I hadn't been able to walk that far in months, so I had to shuffle out a few steps at a time, having a lengthy rest on every bench that we passed. That corridor seemed interminable.

Like the OP said, things do get better. DS had been exhausted and had low blood sugar and feeding problems, and over the next few days, my milk supply came in and we began to get better latches, also helped by having DH avaliable to support, and not being dictated to by a schedule of heel prick tests being done badly, or conflucting information about gettibg a shattered baby to latch. Both my babies have had their most unsettled night on their first at home, but found their pattern after that.

DS was much better. He was 36 hours old. I was in a better state, and so was he, and thegbaby blues seemed to bypass us. I was also more confident at soothing him by co-sleeping to get through the first days.

mrsmook was my dad's pet name for me. Weird.

I co-slept with ds after a while. It helped me with the pnd. I'm worried that if I have to stay in hospital for ages this time the midwives will catch me and tell me off!

I went home same day and it was fine, we marvelled at ds cuddled him and had a takeaway. I hated the growth spurts as was bf and he went through short phases of weakening a very half hour for a feed.

Everyone's experiences are different as are the births themselves and the people that these babies become.

The first week the hormones are all over the place, but not everyone has a miserable first day back.

I was so relieved to be out of the hospital away from nurses checking in on me and waking me and/or the baby up every 2 hours. I tried talking to them about it, and they just had the attitude that sleep deprivation of that level was fine and I should get used to it with a baby. DD practically sleeps through the night and did since birth, and DH was able to take over when I got home so I could sleep and recover.

So... no, the first day back isn't a nightmare. But I did have a few melt downs and irrational out bursts over stupid things.

I'm sorry you had a stressful day as your first one out of the hospital. However I don't recognise any of the feelings you describe. I was excited and glad to be home.

I don't see any of my friends experiences in your day either. I don't doubt your day was as described but I don't think it is typical either.

BTW, congratulations on your babies!

. Try and ignore OP - remember most people here didn't have twins! Don't let this put you off Mumsnet - just name change and stay away from AIBU.

My first days were good but I hadn't been awake for five days with twins .

I'd stay away from your thread for now - you don't need to feel worse when you are tired.

Phew!! Glad to see this thread has turned much more civilised over the last couple of pages.

What a despicable place MN has become - this is the second time in a matter of days that I've seen an innocent thread being ripped to shreds.

Have some empathy people!!

OP I remember when I was heavily pregnant people asking me if I felt excited then looking shocked when I said "no, I'm feeling terrified!" Noone warned me of the huge shock to the system having a child would be (TBF though I don't think you can explain it).

I also came home on the 4th or 5th day - was so looking forward to getting home but ended up not getting back to the house until 9pm due to hospital wanting to observe for the eleventy millionth time that DS was feeding.

We got in and just looked at DS asleep - the first couple of hours not tooo bad apart from struggling to BF because I was so used to a mechanical bed, tonnes of cushions and the personal help of a midwife. Then around midnight DS woke up and starting screaming blue murder, wouldn't latch, wouldn't be consoled, just screamed for an hour. At that point I realised what the fuck I had done.

I'm very jealous of the people who had blissed out experiences - they sound lovely. If someone had warned me I might have been less shellshocked.

Congratulations on your lovely babies - you have so much to look forward to - it most DEFINATELY does get better!!

My first days at home were amazing. Everyone was calm and I just loved getting to know my babies. Shall I tell all first time mothers that this will absolutely happen to them too? No, because we are all different. Your experience sounds shit, thankfully mine was nothing like yours, and nor were any of my friends or family. Maybe your warning is not actually necessary?

That is interesting that pp have mentioned the problem may have been the day 5 coming home date.

I had a very similar incident in the car park coming home. Poor dh struggled for about 10 mins with the car seat as it was stuck, but fortunately as I came home after 6 hours I was still in that hormonal lovey high phase, so it didn't phase me at all and I was able to 'empathise' with his 'struggles' as I was in such a lovey mood.

Although I have to say after the coming home day things were bumpy and didn't steadily get easier for us. Much more of an up and down patern.

Some lovely stories. I really hope I feel more like this with this baby.

I can't even really remember my first day home. Apart from the oh god what have I done feeling! But I was starting to lose my marbles big time.

Luckily what happened to me is very very rare!

I was fine both times I returned from hospital. Didn't have twins, but did have an extended stay due to sections both times.

To be fair, being so wound up that you almost crash the car, isn't normal.

My dh didn't know how to do the car seat, so we asked for help & my sister showed him exactly what to do. He had a practice a couple of times. I am worried that this wound him up so much that you almost had an accident.

Your crying is understandable. I was desperate to go home after 5 days, yet once at home I felt out of my depth & worried that I wasn't going to know what to do. I don't think that is unusual, especially with first children, so I think perhaps that coupled with your dh's temper/attitude made you feel worse.

Coming home doesn't have to be so complicated. New & expectant mums will panic reading this. It is important to know that is really ISN'T like this.

Your post reads like something out of "some mothers do have 'em" to be honest.

I certainly share the feeling of mild terror. We had to stop and pull over on a 10 minute journey home because I was convinced my baby had stopped breathing. I got into the house and it felt so cold after the 5 days spent in the super-warmth of the hospital (it was January and snowy outside). I freaked when our cat came up to me and told my DH to get it away like it was a tiger or a lion come to eat my baby.

I saw the humour in your post OP. Why people think new and expectant mum's should be protected from some stranger's own account of their first day home is ridiculous. Of course everyone's experience is different but there are common themes of hormonal melt-downs, fear of having to look after your child by yourself. Perhaps it's more prevalent in people who have had to spend longer in hospital after the birth? Whatever, it's just another tale being shared on t'internet.

ithoughtofitfirst You post made me laugh . I really hope everything goes well and that you get to watch Homes Under The Hammer with you new baby

I think your mistake was leaving on day five. I came home the same day and felt great

To be fair, you often don't get to leave the same day after a section.

OP I don't think you have been treated kindly on this thread. you have mentioned having a private hospital and a maternity nurse. on MN having money makes you fair game for abuse.

don't let the bastards get you down.