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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to warn first time mums about the first day home from hospital?- but then to say things get better!

316 replies

moscowflyer · 12/07/2014 07:31

I had my gorgeous DTDs a month ago via ELCS at 38 weeks. The whole experience was really very lovely and positive. We were incredibly lucky with the pregnancy and the C-section. The hospital stay was great (we are expats living abroad, and hospitals here only have private rooms, not wards). The babies didn't need any special care and were with us from the moment they came out. DH stayed with us in the hospital for four nights and on the fifth day we came home. All of this is just to underline how fortunate we were and to explain that there weren't any bad experiences. The only difficulty was that we were very sleep deprived because the four of us had all been in one little room in the hospital for 4 nights so neither of us parents got more than 45 minutes sleep at a time.

Day 5 after they were born, the day we came home from hospital, was just AWFUL. I can honestly say I have never felt worse in my life. Waiting to be discharged from hospital DH and I were both so scared, obsessive, paranoid, depressed, exhausted. We were sweating with nerves and hormones (me). DH broke one of the car seats trying to get it out of the car out of sheer stress and frustration. We had a huge argument over this (we really rarely argue at all). On the way out of the hospital we nearly crashed into an ambulance. DH started swearing and gesturing at the driver. We had another argument. We got home and I just walked in the door with the pram and burst into uncontrollable sobs, and didn't stop crying for six hours. I also ranted and raged at DH for a gazillion different things. He took it on the chin but was badly shaken himself. I was totally inconsolable. I felt like death. It was utterly hideous. (Though, looking back, it does have some comedy value!)

In all of this the babies were absolutely fine- they slept through all the drama like two angels! We were very lucky. We had booked a maternity nurse to help out with the babies that night. She arrived that night to find me in shreds, DH on the verge of hysterics, and two sleeping babies. She put me to bed, and from the next morning Things. Got. Better. Now, a month on, life is (very gradually) taking a wonderful new shape.

I was chatting about this to a friend yesterday and she said every single woman she knows with kids has had a similar experience. Which got me thinking that forewarned is forearmed in these situations. I really wish someone had told me beforehand: (a) the day you get home from hospital with your first baby/babies is HORRENDOUS; (b) it starts to get better from that day on!

AIBU to think all first time mums should be told this?

Would really like to hear about other people's experiences, too. (Might reassure us that we're not the only couple to have had a massive row over car seats in the hospital car park!)

OP posts:
Cockadoodledooo · 13/07/2014 10:54

Our first day home with ds1 wasn't great. The first bit, the three of us coming home from hospital and snuggling down together for a sleep in our own bed was bliss.
But then th in-laws arrived to 'help' and it all went to shit. Hammering on the door to be let in, waking us all up for starters. Things just went on from there and they just wouldn't bloody leave. I'd been in hospital for 4 days, my own folks who live a similar distance away had come down just for visiting hours once (not because that was all they wanted, but because they'd thought about what was best for us as a new family). In-laws had been told they were welcome to do the same but as ever everything had to be on their terms. This was 10.5 years ago now btw and still colours my relationship with them.

GnomeDePlume · 13/07/2014 18:16

Perhaps it's more prevalent in people who have had to spend longer in hospital after the birth?

I think there could be quite a lot of truth in that. Add in this being the first time (stressful), them all having been crammed in one room for 4 days (sleep deprived and exhausted), a c section (pain), twins (twice as much work).

Of course the OP's experience wont be identical to the next person but it was a valid experience and worth sharing.

ithoughtofitfirst · 13/07/2014 19:16

Ah thanks queen I'm gonna try my best!

My mum is going to stay with us this time and I'm either going to FF or mix feed so I can rest. I'm extremely lucky.

Heels99 · 13/07/2014 19:19

Yabu. I have twins, first day home was exhausting but nothing like you describe. I had usual baby blues in hospital but not arguing and shouting etc!!Sounds like you weren't ready to be discharged. Have you'd issued pnd with your health visitor?

Heels99 · 13/07/2014 19:23

I was in hospital for a month, it makes you desperate to come back to lovely home. Not have a raging fall out with your dh. Tiredness can be a killer though

Coffeeinthepark · 13/07/2014 19:48

My first was born in December. Around day 4, while I was still sleep deprived from the long labour, our boiler broke down. Tired, hormonal and cold was a low point but my Dad made a two hour round trip to pick us up and take us back to their cosy home for Christmas. It was uphill from there.

I don't think your post was unreasonable OP, though I think antenatal courses and books do normally mention the blues

Kelly1814 · 13/07/2014 20:12

The first few weeks were utterly horrific here...in fact I would not wish the first six months on my worst enemy!

I am overseas too and had a lovely birth in a private hospital like you.

But god, the aftermath.

If you have a baby that sleeps then I am sure it is a very, very different experience.

Kelly1814 · 13/07/2014 20:15

Oh and I spent 5 days in hospital and LOVED IT! I cried when I had to leave. Lovely cocoon of safety and help, own room, en suite, husband stayed every night, nurses took the baby for a few hours each night to let me sleep...I could have stayed forever!

So the length of hospital stay didn't influence me.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 13/07/2014 20:19

Differentname- sometimes it IS like the OP, as many on this thread have said.

Kasterborous · 13/07/2014 20:26

I had the opposite experience. Me and DH were already to take DD home on the Sunday, after she had been born on the Thursday via ELCS. But they weighed her and she had lost too much weight so we had to stay in, I had to feed her every three hours day and night, but that was three hours from when she started each feed not finished it. There was some help during the day but I was more or less left to it at night. I was in a 4 bed ward and on one side was a big dark door and the other side the curtain round the bed was always closed (not my choice), I couldn't see outside at all. I got virtually no sleep it was horrendous. We got to go home on the Wednesday and that was the best day by miles, I hated every minute I was in that hospital.

So from my perspective YABU. But form yours you are not, it depends on the individual and your experiences.

Missdread · 13/07/2014 20:33

YABU. The whole thing with the competitive horror stories drives me round the twist. Everyone has a different experience. No advice anyone can give you is helpful as you just have to muddle through in your own way. There really is no need for us women to be constantly comparing notes: it only serves as showing-off (see how I nearly died, look how brave I was, look how great I am with my drug-free 5 minute labour etc etc) and frightens the wits out of anyone who's not been there yet. Pregnancy and birth are nothing new but some people really think they are the first woman on earth to ever deliver a baby. Grin Envy Envy

GnomeDePlume · 13/07/2014 21:08

I think the hope that even from a bad start it can get better does help.

Didyouevah · 13/07/2014 21:33

Hope you're ok OP. Please just walk away from this and enjoy your lovely twins.

Someone posted a similar thread about pnd a while ago with everyone supporting it... And saying how helpful it would have been to know that whatever happens post birth you're not alone.

I think your opening post had a great message x

AmberLav · 13/07/2014 21:42

I agree OP, thankfully not long before DS was born, I met a friend of a friend with a 3 month old who told me straight off "The first 8 weeks are heeeeeelllllllllllllllll!", so once I got there, I knew I wasn't the only one finding it at least challenging! Of course at the time I laughed, and thought she was being a touch melodramatic!

ithoughtofitfirst · 13/07/2014 22:12

Why does everyone's experience vary so much?! I guess people just have different cocktails of other stuff going on that has an impact on the whole experience or just people like me who have a chemical imbalance brought on by childbirth. Of all the women on a postnatal ward they will all have a completely different account of essentially the same thing. Mind boggling.

AirConditioningIsMyFriend · 13/07/2014 22:31

OP so glad the last few pages have been positive if you ever come back.

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