Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to warn first time mums about the first day home from hospital?- but then to say things get better!

316 replies

moscowflyer · 12/07/2014 07:31

I had my gorgeous DTDs a month ago via ELCS at 38 weeks. The whole experience was really very lovely and positive. We were incredibly lucky with the pregnancy and the C-section. The hospital stay was great (we are expats living abroad, and hospitals here only have private rooms, not wards). The babies didn't need any special care and were with us from the moment they came out. DH stayed with us in the hospital for four nights and on the fifth day we came home. All of this is just to underline how fortunate we were and to explain that there weren't any bad experiences. The only difficulty was that we were very sleep deprived because the four of us had all been in one little room in the hospital for 4 nights so neither of us parents got more than 45 minutes sleep at a time.

Day 5 after they were born, the day we came home from hospital, was just AWFUL. I can honestly say I have never felt worse in my life. Waiting to be discharged from hospital DH and I were both so scared, obsessive, paranoid, depressed, exhausted. We were sweating with nerves and hormones (me). DH broke one of the car seats trying to get it out of the car out of sheer stress and frustration. We had a huge argument over this (we really rarely argue at all). On the way out of the hospital we nearly crashed into an ambulance. DH started swearing and gesturing at the driver. We had another argument. We got home and I just walked in the door with the pram and burst into uncontrollable sobs, and didn't stop crying for six hours. I also ranted and raged at DH for a gazillion different things. He took it on the chin but was badly shaken himself. I was totally inconsolable. I felt like death. It was utterly hideous. (Though, looking back, it does have some comedy value!)

In all of this the babies were absolutely fine- they slept through all the drama like two angels! We were very lucky. We had booked a maternity nurse to help out with the babies that night. She arrived that night to find me in shreds, DH on the verge of hysterics, and two sleeping babies. She put me to bed, and from the next morning Things. Got. Better. Now, a month on, life is (very gradually) taking a wonderful new shape.

I was chatting about this to a friend yesterday and she said every single woman she knows with kids has had a similar experience. Which got me thinking that forewarned is forearmed in these situations. I really wish someone had told me beforehand: (a) the day you get home from hospital with your first baby/babies is HORRENDOUS; (b) it starts to get better from that day on!

AIBU to think all first time mums should be told this?

Would really like to hear about other people's experiences, too. (Might reassure us that we're not the only couple to have had a massive row over car seats in the hospital car park!)

OP posts:
Bannakaffalatta · 12/07/2014 15:57

The op was trying to help ffs.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/07/2014 16:11

Yes, I think it was unfortunate you ended up going home on day 5. It all sounds very hormonal to me. A bit of a shame that DH couldn't hold it together a bit more under the circumstances, but you were probably both knackered after 4 nights in hospital.
Glad things got better from then onwards.
I was fine on the day we came home with dd (day 2), felt more upset/unsettled a couple of days later.
With ds was a bit more unsettled as came home on day of the birth, but still better than staying a night in post-natal as had done with dd.
I don't think you can assume it's the same for everyone - depends on a number of other factors I'd say

buffythebarbieslayer · 12/07/2014 16:59

OP I have been on mumsnet many years and posted many times against aggressive, bullying people that post here.

Piling into a new mum of twins shows a huge lack of empathy. I'm not surprised she retaliated.

Go and give your lovely babies a hug. Hide this and try to ignore the arrogance of some posters.

Couldn't give a shot who lays in to me btw. I've been round this block so many times. Was actually wondering the other day it's been a while since a bullying thread.

LizLimone · 12/07/2014 17:42

Wow. This thread is insane. I found the OP a bit annoying and melodramatic but 11 pages of OP-bashing and hysterics?? Wow...

Cuddlydragon · 12/07/2014 18:07

YABU. I loved my first days home in a lovely, if tired bubble.

TickleMyTitsTillFriday · 12/07/2014 18:12

Blimey. A couple of posters have posted in the style of total cunts.

You made someone cry. Go you.

LondonRocks · 12/07/2014 18:13

Fucking hell, some of you are smug.

OP, it can be bloody hard and I sympathise. And it does get better.

Wishing you and your new family well.

LondonRocks · 12/07/2014 18:16

Actually, yes, you perfect people - to make someone cry is the behaviour of the utter self-centred, egotistical, empathy-bypassed individual. You should've ashamed.

God help any of your fallible friends who need advice.

LondonRocks · 12/07/2014 18:16

Should be.

Bellossom · 12/07/2014 18:20

I couldn't wait to get home and everything was great when I did. We went to tesco on the way back and got champagne and pate and had visitors pop by with a m&s dine in deal.

LondonRocks · 12/07/2014 18:28

OP, apart from the cunts in my NCT group, many women have less than idyllic times with a newborn. Some have an easy ride and then their toddlers are horrendous. Swings and roundabouts.

And for any new mums out there who have a hard time, don't feel bad. It's just the way it is and it's best to start using the phrase "this, too, shall pass".

The race to perfection can trigger or worsen PND in some cases, so some of you should really have a little think.

TheWholeOfTheSpoon · 12/07/2014 18:31

I totally agree, Lizlamone. Insane indeed.

OP, if you ever do read the thread, although your coming home story is nothing like mine, I can vividly remember sending my Mum home on Day 4 and then crying down the phone to her on Day 5 saying, "What have we done?!"

DH is a brilliant dad but he went to the Dr's on Day 3 of DC3, begging to be fast tracked for a vasectomy. And don't even get me started on the day DH went back to work after DC4!! Grin

Anyway, everything is different for everybody, and the bit I think all the body slammers appeared to miss is that your whole point was IT GETS BETTER!

LondonRocks · 12/07/2014 18:32

Oh, and my NCT group weren't unpleasant due to smugness. They were simply nasty, competitive people who found happiness in the most bizarre of "achievements", such as having babies who slept so, so well (boasting to one mum whose DD didn't sleep well - she'd had heart surgery!) Then, guess what? Their babies, er, cried. Rude awakening, in many ways...

Strokethefurrywall · 12/07/2014 18:35

Nasty nasty thread. Some proper bullying fuckers on here.

FWIW OP, the baby blues hit me on day 3 with DS1 and day 2 (the day I came home!) with DS2.

With DS1 my DH bore the brunt of my shuddering tears whilst I tore into him as to why he hadn't bought me flowers.

With DS2 my DH bore the brunt of my rage when I sobbed that he didn't get me a drink when he got himself a beer.

Hormones do some fucked up things, I'm mostly completely normal.

Some people have horrendous baby blues on day 2 or 3, with others it hits later. If we ever go down the road of DS3, DH will be forewarned to supply me with chocolate, cups of tea and stay out of my way!

StickyEmInTheRibs · 12/07/2014 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 12/07/2014 18:40

Bloody hell. OP, sorry you had such a rough time arriving home, you clearly were only trying to help others by starting this thread, even if it was a bit misguided, you don't deserve this to have happened. I thought the word that has been discussed was short for fucking bastard too, never heard of the other derivation.

Southpaws · 12/07/2014 18:42

Dear god, most of you posting on this thread are (I assume) grown women and mothers and you sound like a group of squabbling 5 year olds. Hmm

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/07/2014 18:55

I've not read the whole thing - 11 pages is slightly crazy in itself - but think others should re-read the first sentence ... "I had my gorgeous DTD's a month ago" and therefore cut OP some slack.

Congrats moscow Thanks

As I said, glad things have been looking up since that low point (pretty much everyone has one at some point)
Enjoy your gorgeous girls and don't let anyone here upset you.

AIBU can be a nightmare - many of us have had a flaming at some point.
That's why so many AIBU's are started by newbies or trolls
Many of us now stick to chat or other friendly niche corners of MN Smile

ToysRLuv · 12/07/2014 20:21

I went literally mad when I came home from hospital with ds (nearly 5), although my time at the hospital ward was pretty bad already. I wished myself dead. I'm now just about recovered from the shock of a v. demanding, non-sleeping, refluxy velcro baby and super extra whingy toddler, but still can't contemplate another DC.

It is natural to want to warn others of the possibility of trouble..

ithoughtofitfirst · 12/07/2014 20:21

Yeah I've gotta say the worst thing about this thread has been the smugness/smugitude/smugiousity. Fucking stinks to high heavens of NCT bumps and babies and arseholes.

"oh sorry you had such a bad time but I had the time if my life. Oh and BTW you're BU. Oh and your husband sounds a right cunt"

rallytog1 · 12/07/2014 21:00

Congratulations on your DTDs op. Yanbu and you're also right - it DOES get better. I won't go into detail but coming home a week after the birth was awful for me and I was readmitted to hospital after 24 hours. The first three weeks of being a mum were simultaneously the best and very worst times of my life. But, it got much better very quickly.

14 months on, I read some of the smug posts on here and they make me want to cry. I wish to God that someone had told me that coming home might not be the wonderful, blissful life-affirming experience I'd naively assumed it would be. People who think you're being unreasonable don't realise how lucky they are, and they certainly have no excuse for being so downright rude to you.

I very much hope it continues to get better for you Thanks

Billygoats · 12/07/2014 21:07

I agree some posters have gone ott but the OP did say in her post Would really like to hear about other people's experiences, too , that's what many have done. They aren't being smug but telling the truth.

It seems nobody can get it right, tell a bad story and you are scaremongering, tell a good one and you are smug and goady.

FFSFFS · 12/07/2014 21:13

Nobody minds people telling the good stories along with the people telling the bad stories. That really isn't an issue Confused There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with an OP.

The problem is that some posters have been snide and downright nasty.

ToysRLuv · 12/07/2014 21:15

Well, I naively thought that "the instant loving bond like no other" I would instantly form with DS would make up for everything bad, like I had heard it would. Well, I never felt the rush of love (or milk for that matter), so believed myself a deeply defective mother.

queenofthemountain · 12/07/2014 21:17

I think the OP has rubbed people up the wrong way unintentionally
.First off, she has been through the the process of pregnancy and birth ONCE and now thinks she is in a position to give out (wrong) advice.
Secondly things got better on the second day for her because she had a blooming night nurse!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread