Brother in laws wedding

[scarlettsmummy2]

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

The travelling is the most unreasonable thing. I think everything has built up together,

Sorry in a bit late to this but I had to ask, did you have all your party at your top table? Were your groomsman on it?
It was just bugging me.
Tbh these threads always make me feel glad we popped off to the registry office followed by a nice curry!!

Well you have got what you wanted, so I hope that you will now just get on with it, smile on the day, and let the bride and groom have the wedding they deserve. From everything I have read they have done nothing to upset you.

You sound very difficult indeed.

How on earth do u cope in the day time if your husband is at work if you know your going to struggle at a wedding?

I love the way that is written, like day to day, at home in your own surroundings would be soooo much more stressful than travelling on ferries and staying in hotels alone, plus getting 3 children and yourself ready for a formal event, then herding them about, keeping them quiet/sitting still at the ceremony and at a formal meal, with no help. Yeah, cos that's so easy isn't it? My toddler alone would create blue murder, let alone adding the needs of 2 other children.

Personally i cope day to day by not doing any of those things.

Of course a wedding is a different ball game!

My point is: at home op would have to feed and clothe the kids! Potentially while her hubby is at work!

While you may not see my point the op sounds bratty ... she took a tantrum and got her own way

The OP and her husband were in agreement. Where is his vilification for being a brat and tantrumming?

And yes, she probably would have to get the kids dressed at home. Without the time pressures, in far more casual clothes, with no pressure to keep them clean, without having to do her own hair and make up to the extent that a wedding dictates. Possibly feeding them without decent facilities too. At home, there is also the assumption of help in the morning and evening, and it won't have followed a potentially miserable and tiring journey.

Completely different kettle of fish.

I went to a wedding recently with DH and DS (15 months), and the only way I could safely straighten my hair was for DH to watch DS. Having that other adult there to help jump in with wriggly nappy changes, or comfort DS when I was at a difficult make up stage, or just watch him so I could shower made a massive difference to our stress levels.

Can't imagine doing it with 3, can't imagine doing it alone.

Simple if she can't manage it: as others say..,,, don't
Go

I really don't think you are BU. I don't get this whole 'you must do as the bride wishes' bullshit.

At my wedding, my DBrother didn't sit at the top table even though he was part of the wedding party. His girlfriend would have been sat on her own with virtual strangers.

One of my bridesmaids sat with her DH and two DC. Both were under three at the time.

Because it's called being a considerate person. My needs didn't trump others even if I was paying the bill.

OP your outlaws need to get over themselves. They won't even notice if your DH is not at the table. If I was you, they either accomodate this or you don't go. Otherwise they will never learn to be considerate towards you.

I wonder if the OP has heard the old saying about men marrying women who remind them of their mother? Food for thought OP. You may not get along because you sound very similar to each other.

My point is: at home op would have to feed and clothe the kids! Potentially while her hubby is at work!

Yup, i'm sure the OP always wakes up in a strange hotel, having travelled the day before alone on a ferry with 3 excited small children, fed them and got them to sleep in an unfamiliar environment. Then she hurriedly feeds them breakfast in a restaurant, while each wants to explore and poke all the food. She then gets them all washed and dressed along with herself, puts them all in their finery while doing her hair and make up and supervising they don't mess themselves up/get into a fight, takes them to a place which is exciting and asks them to sit still and be quiet. Then herds them to another exciting place for a formal sit down meal, all the while they can see their daddy, but can't quite get to him. They all need various loo visits and nappy changes and there are other people at the table who don't really want wriggly, squirming, tired by this point, children ruining their dinner. Sounds exactly like an average Tuesday to me.

She's still stamped her feet and got her own way!
Poor husband stuck in the middle of two petulant children who are as bad as each other!

Who reckons the ops children are actually better behaved than the grown ups in this situation!

Although, mil is a piece of work excluding ops foster son! That is a whole new thread!

I’ve skim read this and I honestly can’t see why you’re getting such a hard time here scarlett. Your MIL sounds like a ballbag, and your SIL-to-be doesn’t seem to give a shiny shite about the fact you’ve just done a long stressful journey on your own with three kids, who you will then have to continue to entertain by yourself during a long, formal event. I’m normally all about it being “their day”, but you have to have some consideration with people who are already making considerable effort to be there.

Do you think there’s maybe some resentment with your MIL thinking you keep him ‘over there’, rather than coming home?

As you well know, but seem to be unwilling to acknowledge, this wedding is not about you.

Your SIL and BIL have done nothing wrong.

Your MIL sounds a pita but is possibly also massively stressed see falling flat jokes snout wedding presents for evidence.

You're also taking dll the resentments you have with your mother out on thus wedding. And strong you also taking two days leave to get to the wedding, take three instead and hi with your husband.

Finally read the five love languages. People express love in different ways and you can't make them change. Some use presents, some use attention or time. If your mil doesn't want to babysit, that's up to her accept it, don't keep expecting her to change into your mum. You might then get in better.

She's still stamped her feet and got her own way!

I just don't see how saying 'actually, this will be miserable and very difficult for me and i need DH with me over dinner at least' is stamping your foot. When i got married if someone had said that i'd do anything i could to make my guest have a better day. What difference does where someone sits make? Sorry i think it's weddingzilla-ish to be that controlling and make others utterly miserable for what is really insignificant in the scheme of your wedding. At all weddings i have been to the top table is a straight rectangle with the B&G and others on it looking outwards. If the DH wasn't sitting next to either the B or G then they wont even notice as you can only really see and speak to those right next to you. So it's all for show. Which means that is more important to you than your family having a good time. I just don't get it at all. It would be such a non issue to me - 'can we all sit together as i'll be stressed with the kids on my own?' 'Yeah, sure'.

Agree mrs koala.

looking after 2 kids at a wedding with my husband was a nightmare. looking after 3 by yourself sounds worse.

weddings are boring for kids and not child friendly - so it makes it harder work. one of mine did a poo in his trousers during the speaches (had been potty trained for months). so i spent ages mopping up in the toilet.

who else is sitting on your table? are there people who can be relied on to help if there's a mini emergency?

If someone told me my wedding was going to be miserable and difficult for them I would have been less than impressed. I put money on the fact the bride and groom are getting grief from other guests who will also have their issues. Weddings are so expensive and if guests can't just get on with it then they need to get a grip. It's not compulsory that you attend.

Leave them alone to look forward to their big day and try and enjoy it, although I don't think you will.

Nicknacky - My point was that the meal aspect of the day will be miserable and difficult IF you don't sit together. Not the whole wedding. With little children the formal aspect of weddings can be those things, if small reasonable adjustments can be made to make them easier then why is that bad. For me not sitting with DH would be the difference between me eating and not eating. Which would make me miserable and i would find my DS difficult in that situation on my own. There are reasons we don't go to cafes and restaurants unless there are at least 2 adults (on holiday with my parents there were 4 adults and still every meal was a stressful experience). Often what are only small changes to people with no dc make a huge difference to those who do have them.

I'm not sure if not going is an option. I think the B&G/Family may be more offended if the OP didn't go.

Sorry, my mistake, I thought weddings were about the bride and groom being happy and having the day they want, not pandering to guests who clearly are being obstructive

But MrsK not being able to eat out with your toddler without both parents is pretty extreme. Plus here two of the children are school age. Easier in itself than three toddlers.

Has the op said how old the children are? She maybe has and I missed it. I think people are assuming at least one is a toddler, is that the case?

But how much more enjoyment would the B&G get out of the DH sitting at the top table, compared to how much more stressful it is for OP to have him not sitting with her. I think it's disproportionately different. And also i don't hold with the opinion that the B&G get to dictate everything just because it is their speshul day. I hate wedding are about what the B&G wants attitude. It is what encourages outrageous behaviour. Weddings are about the B&G getting married. The rest is an elaborate party.

And yes LittleBear, i do concede my DS is a little bugger at the extreme end of behaviour. But the OP did say hers were 'spirited' or have i misread that bit? So all i can do is think about this if it were me. And if it were me i wouldn't be able to do it. It does depend on the kids tho. I have friends with angels who could do this easily.

I am astounded so many people are resentful about going out their way or comfort zone for a wedding. I get invited, I look at the practicalities then I look forward to getting dressed up nice and drinking wine.

But so many people seem to see it as something to be dreaded! You obviously mean something to the bride and groom to be invited and vise versa.

I arranged my wedding with my husband and I in mind, but obviously with the guests in there too. But fundamentally it was our day that we wanted to share and if people didn't like the sounds of it I would rather they didn't attend. Even if it was an elaborate party.

I'm not saying this just because of this post, but because there is so many of them. It makes me sad that someone's special time (and why is that ridiculed as "speshul"?) is viewed in this way.

Two of the three are being taken out of school to travel to the wedding. So they are at least 4/5