Brother in laws wedding

[scarlettsmummy2]

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

I am unsure how OP is ruining the wedding, or being a guestzilla here?

OP's DH is having to travel 2 days before OP so he can attend an extra dinner, on top of already being away for 3 days for the stag. So OP has 2 more days at home alone with 3 kids.

OP is having to take 2 days of her annual leave to attend the wedding (and presumably OPs DH has had to take 5 days of his).

The 4 and 5 year olds are having to be taken out of school.

OP is having to drive for 2 1/2 hours to catch the ferry. Then sit on the ferry for another 2 1/2 hours. Then drive for another hour the other side.

Then OP will get herself and 3 kids ready for the wedding, get through the service etc hoping the kids will behave (if youngest starts crying then all 4 of them will have to leave the ceremony, surely causing more fuss and disturbance than if just she alone took the babe out and her DH controlled the other two?)

Sounds to me like OP is doing rather a lot for this wedding so as not to upset the B&G. All OP wanted was her DH to be able to sit with her during the meal in her own words: Anyway, we have told BIL that we would rather sit together for meal but rest of day husband happy to do whatever is required. If he refuses we will of course drop it, we just don't really understand why it is so vitally important that he is up there

How is any of this the OPs fault and how does one simple request (to sit a family together) manage to "ruin" a wedding or make OP a guestzilla?

I don't think the Op is Guestzilla at all - her in-laws sound completely self absorbed & couldn't give a shit about her or their son.

Grin & bear it sounds about the best you can do Op unfortunately but at least he'll be with you to help with the kids during the meal.

FWIW, any wedding I've been to has only had B&G, parents, chief bridesmaid & best man at the top table - not the whole wedding party!

Cross post Eve

I meant their eldest child (not the DH, the groomsman!)

Thanks. I should say, that other than asking nicely for husband to sit with me, I have said absolutely nothing negative about the wedding, and have not complained to anyone other than my husband at all. So I am going with the flow, and really only posted on here to vent!

I think that as your MIL has bought the girls dresses very like flower girl dresses that she had asked for them to have that role and been turned down firmly by the bride. Give her credit for that at least!

Yes mamma- I do give her credit for that. It is my SIL that has annoyed me re the flower girls, combined with the fact that my mil hasn't said anything at all to the bride re having them, despite dementing me to have second cousin who I had never met! Anyway, going to take on board advice and just put it to the back of my mind!

I don't think the Op is Guestzilla at all - her in-laws sound completely self absorbed & couldn't give a shit about her or their son.

They do have one or two other things to think about. The OP appears to be under the impression that this wedding has been organised by these dreadful Irish people specifically to irritate and impoverish her, whereas they probably are only tolerating her for the same if her husband.

It really sounds like neither side much care for each other.

'Dreadful Irish people' Apocalypse? What, like the OP you mean?

Don't turn this into something it's not.

The normal retort on these wedding forums is "it's a wedding invitation not a court summons, you don't have to go".
In this case the Op has to go, take annual leave, take the DC out of school & travel miles on her own.
As she's making such an effort it would be considerate of the wider family to consider her needs.
YANBU

I assumed the Op was Irish too given her mum lives 30miles from the wedding venue so don't think being Irish comes into it.

I'm Irish but thankfully my family & friends have consideration for others & no one who has gotten married have expected people to put themselves out so much (especially with 3 children)

Thank you.

Also- nonsense re 'dreadful Irish people'. I am Irish too!

Well clearly I was wrong about the Irish thing, so I apologise for that.

But she's not putting herself out, she's traveling to the venue. That's it. At a family wedding. That's literally her total contribution, other than giving out.

Do you really not think the journey to the venue alone with the children for days is putting yourself out? I bloody do. We have been invited to many weddings which involve days of annual leave being taken, stays in hotels and journeys across country. I consider that 'putting myself out' to attend a wedding. We often have said no, because logistically and financially it would be too difficult. Some people understand and others don't, as they feel we should be grateful to be invited. When it's close family the option to say no somewhat diminishes, so personally i would be grateful that people would put themselves out to attend my wedding if that was the level of effort they had to put in and would be happy to accommodate the simple request that the OP has made.

Apocalypse- it is costing £500 to attend the wedding alone, plus annual leave, and a new outfit for foster son and a wedding present.

Actually yes, a journey of several hours, including a ferry crossing and 4 people's luggage , is putting yourself out if you're the only adult travelling with three children. The OP has already said that any of them not attending isn't an option.

It's a wedding. Yes, it's a big deal for the bride and groom and everyone wants them to have a lovely day. But they're not organising the Olympics. The OP's husband really isn't an integral part of the proceedings. The in-laws are acting as though the sky will fall in if the second-choice , last-minute-call-up groomsman isn't at the rehearsal or sitting at the top table, but the truth is that ( apart from bride, groom and mil) nobody will even notice what he does. So really, even though he is the groom's brother, would it really affect the wedding if he were just to take some responsibility for getting his own children there and helping out with some of the parenting ?

I think you put it perfectly Inertia!

YANBU. We wouldn't do it.

Inertia- that's exactly my thoughts, put in a much better way!