Brother in laws wedding

[scarlettsmummy2]

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

Thanks LBP, so that maybe just leaves one that the op would realistically have to deal with at dinner surely? Age 5 and above isn't that much of a struggle. The eldest can help with the younger child if op is dealing with the youngest.

The kind of 'speshul' weddings i am referring to are the ones where the invitation tells you women must wear lemon and the men peppermint etc. Where people seem to take it to such an extreme.

But i do agree with you Nick. i love weddings, i love getting dressed up and drinking nice wine and chatting and dancing. But i would be able to do none of those things with my DC. Therefore, for a family wedding i would just have to grit my teeth and get thru it, but i also think i should be able to request something* which would make my day much more tolerable.

*only from family of course, i would expect to be able to ask close relatives a favour like this. And then if they were not as close i would say no, but then that wouldn't cause as much offence. Altho we did offend a friend by not attending their childfree wedding when they expected me to leave ebf 3mo for 3 days to attend their day.

Well, being fair MrsK we weren't talking about that type of wedding (which, thankfully I haven't be invited to)! but were discussing this one which is why I highlighted the use of the word. But again, on wedding threads it is usually spelt like that and is quite derogatory!

YANBU and can't believe the hard time you are getting from some people. Just thank the bride and groom for changing the seating and try and enjoy the day. I think you are right, it's a power play with MIL trying to assert her authority over your DH. I wouldn't travel that far on my own with 3 young kids for anyone's wedding! Hope it goes ok.

Well i think the B&G/family ARE being quite precious about the rehearsals, staying over and making a big deal about the meal request etc, so in retrospect, to me, it is verging on 'speshul' territory.

But i also am of the opinion that as a host you should make your event as easy as possible on the guests. DH and i got married in a place twice the price and in a location not convenient at all to us. Because it was near where the majority of our guests lived/could easily get to. The way we saw it, inconveniencing 2 people made more sense than inconveniencing 40. Also i doubt anyone would have come if we'd had had it where we wanted it - and then it would be miserable for us too.

YANBU

People seem to have missed the point that you have already agreed to various ridiculous demands such as the DH in question being required to travel ahead by three days to attend a rehearsal in order to learn how to give out an order of service. It would be no fun to manage three children in an unfamiliar situation where they have to be kept quiet on your own. People have also missed that the OP said that of course if the BIL insisted they would suck it up.

All this smugness about 'coping with your own children' is very grating. I am sure the OP copes with her own children all the bloody time FINE, it is just that at a wedding it is difficult. I wanted my guests to enjoy my wedding tbh, that meant not making it difficult for those with small children.

There's no smugness at all! It's opinion! After all it's an anonymous Internet forum where this lady has posted and it's expected to have differing opinions!

And it's Aibu ...... Or should people all have the same opinions ?

Hypothetically speaking: say the op was a single parent to three with I support. What would she do then? Would she be expected to suck it up?

My opinion is that you are all being smug. Or do YOU think you have a monopoly on opinion?

If the OP was a single parent this situation would not arise as her DH would not be sitting elsewhere.

Coping with your own children in their own home is fine. I'm sure the OP does.

Coping with your own children when everybody's fraught and tired from a long journey carrying a load of extra stuff, when nobody can eat what or when they like, when you've got to get 3 children and yourself looking better and cleaner than vaguely presentable, when you're in a formal situation with all eyes on you, no offer of help and disapproval if the children are anything other than seen and not heard- that's a completely different situation, and it's a bit snidey to pretend otherwise and mock the OP.

Just because the DH in this situation is also a brother does not mean that he is magically absolved of responsibility for his own children.

when you're in a formal situation with all eyes on you

where does THIS come from??? Surely the main focus is on the bride and groom. Or am I missing something? Not to sound too harsh here but I very much doubt that anyone other than the OP will give much of a stuff about how she and the DC are shaping up.

I think eyes often are on children at weddings otherwise there wouldn't be so many threads about people not wanting children at weddings.

In this case the couple do want the children at the wedding, but initially don't appear to have listened to the parent's opinion that these particular children probably require 2 parents to ensure that the wedding is a pleasant experience for everybody else.

If you have the kind of formal wedding that involves groomsmen, top tables and rehearsals, it is probably even more likely to be disrupted by 'spirited' children.

Now they have listened, so problem solved.

Now they have listened, so problem solved

This is true....which makes me wonder whether they were half as awful as OP seemed to think in the first place.

Fatteningviolet it comes from all the other wedding / restaurant threads complaining about how badly behaved some children were and how their parents didn't do anything about it.

I wouldn't like to try to occupy my 3 in that situation, it may work out OK, it could be complete hell or a mix of the two. I think that there is a pressure in those situations for children to be well behaved, even if part of it is self applied

Fattening- my BIL has agreed to it, mil and SIL not happy!

Anyway- plan is now to go and have a lovely day, and hopefully no more dramas! Thanks for all opinions! Good to get a bit of reality check too.

Enjoy!!

Fattening - have you really never seen or heard anybody complaining (either here or IRL ) about noisy children spoiling somebody's meal out / wedding / party ? If the children make a noise or cry you can bet your life there will be disapproving eyes.

Could you get someone to mind your children and go without them or bring someone with you to help you out? Your new plan to go and enjoy the day is for the best, it is their wedding and they get to choose who they want so there is no point spoiling your whole day feeling annoyed because it won't change anything.

I haven't read all of the replies, but actually I don't think YABU. My brother recently got married and it was a very family orientated wedding. All children over the age of three sat on their own table with both a 16 and an 18 year old, one of whom was doing child care at college (I appreciate this doesn't happen in all families) and the younger ones sat with their parents. The top table consisted only of the bride ant groom and their parents - everyone else sat with their family/friends. It was a great wedding. My two eldest were fine on the kids table and Dh and I took turns with dd2 who got bored during the speeches.

I would either go without your children, or not go and just let your Dh go. Being in sole charge of three kids for a wedding, plus travel there isn't fun so the other option would just be to stay at home with your dcs and let Dh go on his own. Yes, it is indeed the bride and grooms prerogative who they invite and what arrengements they make, but if it doesn't suit, it is your prerogative to decline the invitation.

Got our invite today- they aren't having a list but asked for cash for the honeymoon instead! Good job we didn't buy a chip pan yet

But you knew they wanted money. In fact you wound your MIL up with your jokes about chip pans and toasters. Are you so sure it's all your MiL being irritating.

I didn't think they would actually write a note in their invites! And I personally think it is the height of bad manners- grabby and puts unnecessary pressure on those who can't afford to give much. It's an Irish wedding, so £50 for example would seem really tight. However, I have not said anything and will leave it all up to husband now.

Just don't bother your head going at this stage. Nobody needs this at their wedding.

Is there anything about this wedding you won't complain about? You knew they wanted money, most people do nowadays. Seriously, start being more positive.

So how did you think they would avoid the chip pan fryers you think were so amusing to joke about?

Seriously cheer up. If you want to find fault, you will find it.