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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in laws wedding

293 replies

scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 00:20

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

OP posts:
Spickle · 10/07/2014 08:28

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to just say that I was in the same situation at my BIL's wedding 20 years ago.

We stayed in a hotel 4 hours drive from home for the weekend. My DH was best man and our children were 1 and 3. I hardly saw DH at all for the entire time we were there. Other family members were there but no-one seemed to think that we might want some company or some help but that might be because I am usually a pretty capable and independent type. I had to make my own way to the church with the DCs and then to the venue. At the venue I was sitting on a table with the DCs and people I had never met before, while my DH was on top table. Other members of DH's family were seated on tables together so were not entirely alone. I did suck it up as this was obviously how my BIL and SIL-to-be wanted it, but my, how I hated that day. I felt so lonely, partly due to me arriving late at the church (got lost in one-way system and couldn't find the car park - no satnav then!) and having to slip into a pew at the back where I couldn't see anyone I knew. Then being largely ignored for the photos and having to stand around while the photographer did his bit. My DCs were not part of the bridal party either. At the venue, the wedding breakfast and speeches etc seemed to go on forever and the DCs were fidgety, though afterwards we could join DH and the evening do was great.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can empathise totally with your situation and am embarrassed to admit that I have never forgotten that wedding to this day, though I laugh about it now (BIL and SIL were divorced a few years later). It has left me with bad memories of that time on what should have been a wonderful weekend of celebration within my DHs family.

ZenNudist · 10/07/2014 10:44

I think generally your dh's family sound horrible and that's your problem. The wedding just focuses it. All you say about your dh is he agreed to everything to be accommodating. He needs to be firmer with them.He's only stood up to them on one thing and they're trying to bully you both on that as well. I say if you're going to be in trouble for that you might as well go all out.

  1. Your dh misses rehearsal dinner so you can all go together.

2 you dress your girls in something else to show mil whose boss.

3 there's bog all you can do about the seating plan, suck it up if they won't change but don't you change travel plans then.

  1. It really isn't worth getting pissed off about the flower girl thing. On that point yabu.
  1. Stop being a doormat. You agree to mil's suggestions then get annoyed. Do what you want and let her get annoyed. Sibu and needs to be stood up to.
pommedeterre · 10/07/2014 16:59

I like meganorks suggestion.

Would get up mils nose and leave you relaxed. Awesome!

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 10/07/2014 22:39

Thanks everyone- sorry phone has been dead for a day or so!
Update is, mil majorly pissed off, but BIL has agreed that husband sits with me and kids for speeches and meal, as long as he does everything else including a speech. I am quite happy as at least he will be on hand to help during the hardest bit and we should have a nice time.

My mil will undoubtedly huff for the foreseeable future but that also suits us fine! Grin

OP posts:
sykadelic · 11/07/2014 02:15

Excellent update!

I do think though that it's time that you learnt to just say no to MIL. If she tries doing something for someone else (like this wedding), talk to the actual person, not her.

Have fun at the wedding!

Brabra · 11/07/2014 02:17

Oh gosh. Thank goodness your DH can remain with you over dinner and speeches. How on earth could you have coped with looking after your very demanding children for all that time!

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 11/07/2014 02:58

What a hollow victory.

Lumineer · 11/07/2014 03:05

I honestly think this is the best outcome. Of course she can control her children but at a wedding breakfast, which is often boring, long and presents food they might not eat, it'll be nicer to have her DH to help. Good on you OP.

CheerfulYank · 11/07/2014 04:33

Yabu about the flower girl thing, expecting DH to sit with you, and thinking a 30 minute drive is too much, even each way.

Yanbu about her treatment of your son.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 11/07/2014 04:34

I have already stated on numerous occasions that it is not that I wouldn't have been able to cope, just that it would be preferable to have my husband with me to help as he will already have been away three days previously doing wedding party stuff which we have accommodated. Plus we only found out he had been promoted from usher to groomsman number two this week, or about the other bits such as travelling separately and staying with his mother for the day before and morning of wedding.
As someone else has said below, if my mil and SIL were lovely, kind and accommodating normally I would of course been happy to take a backseat, but the reality is very different and I have just been pushed too far.

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 11/07/2014 04:40

Cheerful it's not a thirty minute drive each way, it's thirty miles on country roads so more like an hour. And the point is my mil wouldn't do it if it was the other way round so unfair for her to 'tell' my mum to do it. When I first found out I was pregnant, she refused to come and pick husband and I up from the port when we had literally no one else and told us to get a taxi, despite it being an hour away and we were coming home to tell my parents I was pregnant outside of marriage and were very stressed- which she knew.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 11/07/2014 04:47

I get that. But just because your MIL isn't that nice doesn't mean that your mum can't take them. It seems a bit petty to me to say "well MIL would never do it so it's not fair..." MIL is frankly a bitch from the sound of it and there's no need to stoop to that level.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 11/07/2014 04:52

No there is no need to stoop to that level, but equally I think it is unfair of my mil to constantly expect my mother to stuff to accommodate her but to not reciprocate. For example she never ever offers to mind my daughters or take them out for a few hours- we always have to ask, and she won't take foster son with them when she does. But it's just expected that my mum will do it. And it just wears you down.

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 11/07/2014 04:57

Plus- we specifically told her that we would not be booking a hotel room as we couldn't afford it, my mum was not available to mind children and also that foster son was not meant to share a room with us so we would need two rooms anyway. And she totally ignored this and booked one anyway, and not even a family room!

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 11/07/2014 05:05

My husband also got told off yesterday over a discussion we had had over wedding presents. Apparently bride and groom don't want physical presents as they have everything they need so presumably want money. Husband and I were joking with mil and fil that we would get them a chip pan, a bread bin and would be making a monthly donation to a charity on their behalf. Mil at the time reacted by saying that ' x doesn't eat bread and they have a chip pan and won't want charity donation'. Husband and I thought nothing of it at the time, but fil has since raised it with husband as mil very upset by comments and we better not get a chip pan or a bread bin. Apparently she doesn't ever know when I am joking or not so it's best if I don't make jokes anymore as they are too close to the bone and mil can't cope. Couldn't make it up!

OP posts:
GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 11/07/2014 05:18

Scarlett, Your MIL sounds like charm personified but I honestly think you've been a bit silly the way you've gone about this wedding malarky, so many lines have been blurred, and I think you've won a hollow victory - but its done now and thats that.

Your MIL sounds like one of those women who believes a mum does things for her daughter and thats it. Its how I do it, if they need something - I do it. Sometimes its motivated by a genuine belief - that this is they way its done because she wants to mother, or was/wasnt mothered herself. Whilst at others times it motivated by sheer spite and irrational jealousy/hatred of the people who are now in her sons life.

But that said, if your Mil is the dragon she is being presented as, to the extent she refuses to look after your foster son, and you have to ask her to look after your girls - why do you still ask her to do it? Isn't it perhaps time to be rethinking the whole dynamics of things? If someone is so horrible - why do you want them to look after your children?

I think I would be cutting MIL out of the picture any way I could, and just get on with letting my mum have the joy of the family full stop.

As for the wedding - I would have looked at her needing to herd everyone up for a few days as a sign of her very obvious insecurities and just let her get on with it because she really must be terribly empty inside.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 11/07/2014 05:21

that this is they way its done because she wants to mother,

should be - that this is the way its done just because she wants to mother that way

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 11/07/2014 05:35

Hi- the thing is though mil doesn't really do things for her son, my husband. (She doesn't have any daughters, two sons). She does to a certain extent but not if it will inconvenience her in any way. She is a strange women in many ways. I believe her real issue with me is that I am the first person who has ever stood up to her (she has no siblings and was hugely indulged materialistic ally as a child) and she can't deal with this. She expresses love by buying her children stuff, but is selfish with her time. So for example, when I have challenged her on not being helpful when husband and I have been stressed with juggling everything and she has been available, her response is 'but I bought you X', and doesn't really get that husband and I don't need her to buy as stuff but what we do need is her to make time for us and her grand children.

OP posts:
Inertia · 11/07/2014 06:54

Sounds like progress, though to be honest I think the travelling separately would be the bigger deal for me.

I also think your h and his brother should communicate with one another directly and stop going through your MIL.

EarthWindFire · 11/07/2014 07:02

It is sorted but a very hollow victory and I do think you have probably forced SIL to do something that they don't want to at their own wedding.

MrsKoala · 11/07/2014 07:07

I agree with Inertia. The travelling would bother me more. As would staying overnight in a hotel alone with 3dc. By the wedding i would be demented (well tbh i'd just say no outright to the travelling part). I certainly wouldn't be able to then contemplate the hell of having to control 3 young children at a formal dinner. I'd feel so bloody sorry for anyone else sitting at the table with us if it was mine Blush

Glad you have the compromise you want OP.

ApocalypseThen · 11/07/2014 07:26

to help as he will already have been away three days previously doing wedding party stuff which we have accommodated

For your own sake, please stop seeing yourself as the grande damme of this wedding. You're not killing yourself, doing anything extraordinary or putting yourself out much and they're family. You want people to attend your children's weddings and not in this spirit either, so start at least trying to pretend that you can be genuinely happy for these people.

If this attitude continues, the choice to never have anything to do with your husband's family may be out of your hands.

Also, the fact that they didn't know you were joking about purposely getting them presents they specifically wouldn't want should tell you something about your general attitude.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 11/07/2014 07:48

This is your husbands brothers wedding! He should sit with the wedding party....

How on earth do u cope in the day time if your husband is at work if you know your going to struggle at a wedding?

You sound awful and not very flexible or accommodating!

It ... Is .... Not... Your... Wedding!

Get over yourself

merrymouse · 11/07/2014 08:00

I don't really care much about wedding protocol and think top tables can be a bit odd. They are often a bit boring because you are on show and tense because of the mixture of people (some of whom may be thoroughly sick of each other after months of wedding planning or just plain divorced). They are also often half empty because everybody keeps leaving to visit other tables.

However, a wedding is in essence just a big party. Some people throw good parties. Some people throw rubbish parties. The best approach is to just smile and have a good time, however many children you may have in tow.

angeltulips · 11/07/2014 08:07

Gosh, I would have been FURIOUS if my brother's wife had prevented me from sitting with him on my wedding day. He's my family too, and a wedding is a celebration of transitioning from an old family to a new.

Yabvvvvvvvvu, and get over yourself

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