Brother in laws wedding

[scarlettsmummy2]

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

Husband agreed to go back to be accommodating.

Yanbu.

Don't take the little girls. Will they be upset if they can't go? Will your mum watch them?

Take your son, be proud of your husband, plaster a smile on your face and let it be a metaphorical fuck you to MIL.

If she whinges, tell her that the logistics of dealing with three kids at a wedding all day without DH's support are too difficult.

It's an invite, not a summons. They can't force your youngest children to be there. Fuck the dresses.

I don't think I have ever been to a wedding, or heard of one, where one of the wedding party is randomly sitting amongst the guests.

I have; mine, my sisters, and the last 5 weddings i have been to. THe only people i have seen sit at the top table are B&G and parents of B&G. All the best men, bridesmaids, groomsmen etc sit amongst the guests with their partners and family then stand up when they are required to.

I would be irritated with this too OP. And to those saying can't you look after your children your self. Well i couldn't/wouldn't look after my DS in this situation. And i only have one. We'd never even be in the the room as he would scream and wriggle, would never sit thru a formal dinner or service, or any part of it. SO it would basically be me standing outside the venue running up and down with him and the other children left to sit at the table on their own. I wouldn't even contemplate staying away in a hotel with DS and no DH for back up

Every wedding in I have ever been to does not have ushers at top table, just best man.

Not to say it's that weird, maybe he wants his brother there.

Who knows.

I would do it and be making some serious deals about the rest of the day, which would involve me and a barrel of pimms.

To be honest I don't think it matters what other people did, this couple are having it that way and I think that's fine.

As well the last wedding I went to was decent, and there were just family children there, but none of them sat through the meal, they played around, went up to mum or dad if they were on the top table.

Just because he is sitting there, does not mean he will get to do fuck all, I would expect that apart from speeches etc which is the only bit you really need to be quiet then they will be able to play about, go over to the top table etc.

They can't expect them to sit though a formal meal without moving or going up to their dad.

I reckon the reality of it will be a lot less bad than you think you know.

It was decent but I meant recent.

Tbh what others do at their weddings is irrelevant. The SIL wants to do this at HER wedding.

As others have said if you don't like it then don't go.

I agree, I was just answering the amount of people saying that it was normal for the whole wedding party to sit at the top table.

I'd just say i'd expect DH to be able to get up and move around to help with the DC. And i'd probably call him over a few times. However the nights away while i was struggling in a hotel would be a no no. I would also have to others roped in to help. I just couldn't cope with DS in that type of situation, which is why i don't put myself in them unless i have help.

I think YABU and YANBU. I think you are getting a bit of a kicking, not entirely warranted as I think you're mostly just venting on here. I think when you have a bad relationship with your MIL, it can spill over.

YABU about your DDs not being flower-girls. Yes, it would have been nice and especially as you had the other little girl be a flower-girl at your wedding on your MIL request, but it is up to the bride and groom and they have chosen not to.

YANBU about some of the other things- I personally don't see the big deal about your DH being at your table instead of the top-table. I do think managing 3 children, 2 of whom are quite young and likely to be over-excited and tired by the time of the wedding breakfast, on your own might be tough (except for those whose children are an image of zen-like calm at all times, no matter what the situation) so I can understand why it might be nice to be with your DH for the meal. However, as it is not what the bride and groom want, I guess you just suck it up and put a smile on your face. Or don't go.

What she said about you foster son was utterly intolerable, and very cruel. She doesn't sound like a nice person TBH. That comment alone would have been enough for me not to see her again unless a heartfelt apology was forthcoming. And I can understand why you don't really want to go out of your way to keep her happy, when she is so unpleasant towards you.

That said, she is probably just not thinking about the impact of the plans (including last minute changes) on anyone else as she is concentrating on the wedding and/or is simply relaying messages not intending them to be seen as "instructions" that you are required to obey. She is probably not trying to annoy you, or anyone else. Though I can understand how galling it is when someone expects you or your family to do something they would not do for you (as in expects your Mother to drive to pick up DCs and look after them for the evening, when she wouldn't look after your DCs for your GMs funeral)- but that's not your BILs fault, so I think pick your battles.

If you really can't stand it, I'd be tempted to say to your DH that you'd rather not have the hassle and just don't go- but that you are happy for him to go and have fun with his family. Come down with an illness or something if you think it'd cause a major row if you decline the invite.

I would do it and be making some serious deals about the rest of the day, which would involve me and a barrel of pimms.

Agree. Just accept that the wedding bit won't be much fun. (Or maybe it will - imagine the scenario without children - you are marooned away from your DH and have no children to break ice/join in a break for freedom - really it could be worse!)

OP - who else will be on your table? Do you know/like them? It comes across as if the only person attending the wedding you like is your dh. I would leave the girls with your mum and take your son so that a) there is less stress for you and b) that you have someone to keep you company as you will probably spend very little time with dh.

Go, keep a low profile, paint on a smile and if tempted to make comments you can always find an excuse to retire to the room.

Poor SIL to be. And her Mum.

I agree with TheHouseatWhoCorner This is an incredibly special day for your SIL and BIL. I sincerely hope one of their lasting memories of the day is not you making such a fuss about be asked to look after your own children. I genuinely can't understand why you think it's odd that your DH sits on the top table as seen as he is a groomsman and the brother of the groom.

I am with TheHouse and Diamond... I just don't understand why you can't be more understanding at such a special time. You are making it all about you.

I think I would dread the journey alone and keeping them all entertained (kids of that age have a short attention span) but as it's a family wedding I would suck it up and get on with it, just make sure you're well prepared with things to keep them distracted. Good luck

I haven't read the whole thread but I have been in this position but the other way around - I was chief BM to my sister and invited to sit on the top table. My husband and children weren't invited to sit on the top table. I declined and sat on another table with my husband and children. No drama as plenty of other BMs and groomsmen on the top table.

I think your DH should man up and say he wants to sit with his family.

I am going to say yanbu (except about the flower girls). It's hard to explain how the constant drips of disapproval, snubs and little comments from an IL over years and years can drive you to the brink.

Is that where you are?

On the face of it it might not seem huge but continually being simultaneously rejected and summoned is a bit wearing.

I seem to be reading a different thread to almost everyone else.

Not only have I never been to a wedding where every single member of the wedding party has to sit at the top table rather than being allowed to sit with partners, I've never been to a wedding where there are strictly ranked levels of attendant . The idea that a groomsman sitting with his own family rather than on the top table (presumably with bridesmaid [second class]) will cause a rent in the fabric of the wedding space-time continuum is laughable. Every wedding has different arrangements.

I get that it' s the BiL 's wedding , I really do , and I understand that the bride and groom shouldn't be penalised for MIL's behaviour. However, firstly the bride and groom seem to be able to defy MIL's instructions in a way that OP doesn't seem able to do. And secondly the MIL's behaviour is pretty appalling. Just the way she treats the OP's eldest child as a complete outsider would be too much for me ; nobody has the right to ostracise a child. And that's before you consider the upset around the funeral, dictating the attendants for OP's wedding , dictating what happens with OP's children and their clothes for this wedding, and insisting that OP's husband miss some of their family holiday to attend a stag barbecue. So no, it's not MIL's wedding, but she is certainly sticking her oar in.

OP, your husband is part of the problem. He is perfectly entitled to say sorry, he can't travel early from a different country for the rehearsal - perhaps he could offer to practise standing next to a man who has a ring in his pocket just to ensure he doesn't spoil the ceremony. Thing is, it's a hell of a lot easier for him to travel alone than it would be to travel with his children and all their stuff, and then get grief from his mother. It's easier for him to sit at the top table and not have to worry about sorting children's meals and loo visits. I think you're too accommodating of your mother-in-laws whims - but I would pick battles carefully , particularly around the wedding so it doesn't look like sour grapes. Bridesmaid's dress colours don't matter, flower girls don't matter - but deliberately trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband, or between your children, needs dealing with.

No that doesn't work for us, keep repeating and repeating and repeating.

Oh and I would also not put them in the dresses mil bought them, your children, not her little dolls to dress up

YANBU about MIL, she sounds hard work and some of the things she's said to your guys sounds foul- the way she treated your foster child, very much so.

The SIL and Brother- I don't see what they've done wrong. I get your put out by thing at the wedding but still they've done nothing wrong.

You mentioned being upset they weren't flower girls (unreasonable- especially as you aren't so close) but a good part of that it seems you're more upset because you chose to have some one you didn't want as a flower girls and they haven't. That's not something to be annoyed at them over, you should be annoyed with yourselves for caving to MIL demands back then and her for making them. These two have stood up and said 'our wedding, our choice, no', they haven't caved. The fact your MIL keeps trying to force them to suggests this is all her doing- not the B&Gs choice at all- especially trying to get your daughters in colours that are 'almost flower girl', she's trying to push past their wishes and get her own way to have them as flowergirls whether you or the B&G want. Which she undoubtedly would have done at your wedding had you not agreed to the flower girl, you would have found you had one anyway.

The fact she's also trying to control and demand at their wedding should give you sympathy for them that likely she is causing much stress behind the scenes and really. Like she did at yours.

Personally, I'd go to the wedding, show off your kids and family and have fun- try to stay away from MIL. It won't be the easiest time but hand on heart if it was a dear sibling and friend would you happy suck it up for the day and do it despite not agreeing with the no flowergirls or seating plans? Most people would suck it up, they may still be upset annoyed or frustrated -which isn't unreasonable- but they wouldn't kick off about it or make demands, they'd go out of their way to put up with it. This is your DHs dear sibling and while his mum sounds like a grade-A cunt, its not fair to use the wedding as an excuse for more shit to happen when actually it's MIL you have the real issue with. Your issues with her behaviour are clouding your own and your deflecting more onto the wedding. Your focus is on that as the main issue, not the MIL who needs dealing with.

You need to deal with the MIL issues, with your husband's full support. And if she's a horrible mare, he needs to consider how to protect his wife and kids from that. This isn't about the wedding, the wedding is just something that's making you more annoyed because it's not your choice, you're not looking forward to it and someone you hate will be there.

If I was the bride, I would solve all your problems and just uninvite you. It's not your wedding, and you need to go with good grace or not bother at all.
If you have such issues with your MIL then deal with them, but stop trying to make this wedding all about you - I can guarantee that you MIL has far better things to do with her time than come up with plans for this wedding specifically to annoy you. Grow up!

I'm thinking you might need to bite the bullet on several things simply because it's a wedding and Brides get nuts with every man and his dog asking for this, that or the other. I would ignore MIL though and go straight to BIL and his fiancee with your questions. You know what pressure you were under planning yours, maybe they're facing the same?

That said, YANBU about MIL, at ALL.

The thing here is stubbornness and bullying. Your MIL gets her way because people allow it, she's a bully, just say no. BIL and his fiancee are allowed to make requests for their wedding. They're even forgiven for asking irrational things simply because it's a wedding. HOWEVER you are entitled to ask questions, and outline what does and doesn't work for you. If it doesn't work for them, they're also entitled to say it doesn't and you either compromise, or don't go.

I'd offer compromises such as - DH will sit at the top table as long as my mother is invited and sits next to me to help with the children. He will not be attending the rehearsal. It's not rational as we are in another country and doesn't work for our family. What I have done in the past regarding leave is irrelevant because it's not the same situation.

As for copying your entire wedding (sans bridesmaids dresses, small mercy), how tacky! But, you did it first and imitation is the sincerest form of flattery! I'd feel kinda bad for her honestly. Especially as some people might notice it's deja-vu.

I'd offer compromises such as - DH will sit at the top table as long as my mother is invited and sits next to me to help with the children.

You don't get to start demanding how you expect things to happen at someone else's wedding. Bride and groom issue an invitation. You accept or decline. That's the end of it.

Why not let your mum have them for the whole day? You say she would and she does look after them. She wouldn't be doing your mil a favour, she would be doing you one. You could take them before the ceremony so your mum doesn't have to drive. And as your mil clearly does want them involved will really piss her off and put you back I'm control. Which by the sounds of your other posted would be s bonus to you!

You get a more relaxed fun time at wedding and a nice night away with husband. Win.