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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother in laws wedding

293 replies

scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 00:20

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 12/07/2014 20:48

No one would actually buy a chip pan and if they did, that's not the point of getting married! You don't invite guests to the wedding on the basis of what they will give you. Anyway- I am not actually complaining as I won't be giving them money Grin

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/07/2014 20:52

Your husband might. You know, it is his brother after all.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 12/07/2014 20:56

If my husband chooses to give money that is up to him- he has his own account. But, I personally won't be. And the reason I am a bit annoyed is that I know of at least two couples who have been invited who will struggle financially to find the money to give a cheque for an amount that won't seem tight and I think it's unfair of the bride and groom to ask them.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 12/07/2014 21:02

Agreed, you invite them because you want to share your day with them and hope that they will want to celebrate with you. Fat chance of that eh?

Your in laws really can't do anything right can they.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 12/07/2014 21:10

Hang on a minute- what exactly have I done that is so awful? I asked for my husband to sit with me at the meal. This is after him travelling back three days previously to me on his own, leaving me to do a six hour journey alone with kids, and then to get the kids and myself ready on my own, travel to the wedding on my own, and entertain them throughout service, drive an hour on my own to venue, entertain on my own for a couple of hours while husband has photos taken. Plus I have let my MIL choose my daughters clothes to wear and even agreed to them wearing shoes which don't fit properly despite me asking her not to buy shoes without them being with her (which she ignored and now can't get a refund on).
And yes- I am annoyed that the bride and groom asked for money for their honeymoon in the invite as I think it is very rude, as do many other people.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/07/2014 21:23

God let it go! Give them £20 in a card and forget about it!

I can't remember the last time I went to a wedding where there wasn't a request for vouchers or money. It's the modern way, it's not rude.

SantanaLopez · 12/07/2014 21:30

OMG OP you need to give.it.a.rest.

You're in danger of causing a huge family upset over this if you keep on going. It is all going to end in tears unless you put your big girl pants on sharpish.

CheeseToastie123 · 12/07/2014 22:00

I went to a wedding where honeymoon help was requested. I was strapped for cash, so I stuck 20 euros in the card with a note 'insisting' it be spent on ice-creams. No-one thought I was tight. No-one bar the bride and groom ever knew what I gave, why would they? You do sound very obstructive tbh, I feel very sorry for your husband being stuck in the middle of it all.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 12/07/2014 22:51

When my dh brother got married, we asked them what they wanted, they have lived together years so didn't actually need anything so they asked for money, we asked how much they wanted and they said anything up to 20pound so that's what we gave them!

Op you now need to stay away from the wedding you are seriously sounding bitter now

HansieLove · 12/07/2014 23:13

I would buy them shoes that fit. The heck with what MIL bought.

Inertia · 12/07/2014 23:40

Let your husband deal with the money / gift issue - his responsibility.

But for pity's sake, don't make your children wear badly fitting shoes to prevent their grandmother having a tantrum ! Let them wear shoes that fit. If MIL has wasted her money that's her lookout, but the children shouldn't suffer for it.

ApocalypseThen · 13/07/2014 00:14

I have a strong feeling that the mother in law bought the outfit and shoes to head the not-flower girls tantrum off.

maddening · 13/07/2014 00:27

Why can't you all stay at mil the night before?

JoyceDivision · 13/07/2014 00:28

Are youwearing abig flashing headband that says 'Its all about me' on thee day?

Sosomeoneisn't bending over backwards tp accomade you on their weddingday as you're inconvenienced by them wanting family toplay a large part in teh wedding

We said to people when wemarried, as wewere already living togter, gifts weren't bneeded, but if people wanted togive gifts fab, voucegsr for anystores welcome as we'dbe looking tomove house and it would all help

nobody was offended

onedev · 13/07/2014 00:52

Just seen this thread & although I'm in the minority, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! Glad to read the update that he's sitting with you now as otherwise I'd have sent the 2 littlest up to sit at the top table with him Grin

The whole thing sounds totally unreasonable on their part - 3 days beforehand leaving you to travel on your own & stay alone & look after the children alone I actually think is completely out of order. Yes, if you were a single parent you'd have to just get on with things, however the fact is that you're not a single parent & your DH is there! In my opinion, your DH should have put his foot down a long time ago & said what he would / wouldn't be willing to do & leave them to decide if they wanted to choose someone else or not.

Good luck Op as it all sounds very stressful & doesn't sound like it'll be a good wedding at all for you!

Hopefully though it's happening soon & you won't have to put up with it for too much longer!

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 13/07/2014 03:15

Scarlett, you are going to have to get your act together, and I really do mean your 'act' together running up to the day and on the day itself, because there is a very strong possibility your negative frame of mind about the wedding and the family is going to come out on the day and its you who'll be remembered by everyone for all all the wrong reasons.

You'll have heard of 'fake it till you make it' and thats what you need to being doing from now - practising how to fake your goodwill.

As for the shoes - buy the new ones because it really does sound as if its one more thing you want to be able to moan about. Please don't use your children in the point scoring.

MidniteScribbler · 13/07/2014 04:23

My god, if I were the BIL or SIL and read this thread, you'd be getting uninvited. Although I suspect that is what you actually want to happen so you can add it to your arsenal of things to complain about your in-law's about.

Really, don't go. You're just going to sit there with a face that looks like a slapped arse and ruin their wedding day.

ConstableOdo · 13/07/2014 05:15

I hope anyone who reads this thread can see that it's not really about the wedding or the flower girl situation or whatnot - it is really about MIL's shitty treatment of OP's foster son. I bet if MIL hadn't been so ungracious about him, none of these other issues would ever have been raised.

I am glad the OP has got her own way on this, as it sounds like a logistical nightmare. I do think the flower girls issue is a non-issue, though.

CheerfulYank · 13/07/2014 05:34

I do think asking for money is rude.

EveDallasRetd · 13/07/2014 06:52

I think asking for money is rude to. And I'm always Hmm about cash requests for 'honeymoons'. Don't people go away straight after the wedding any more? Surely they've Already paid for the honeymoon?

The last two weddings I went to, both very posh and traditional, the top table was B&G, mum and dad bride, mum and dad groom, best man, chief bridesmaid. All the other attendants sat at the other tables with spouses/family/friends. Both weddings also had wedding lists at major stores (Debs and JL), with items from a tenner (the second wedding was a couple who paid over £300 per guest, and yet they still managed to think of their less 'well-off' guests). I think this wedding sounds like a nightmare.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 13/07/2014 08:26

And the asking for money thing - its just so ugly.

ApocalypseThen · 13/07/2014 08:31

I hope anyone who reads this thread can see that it's not really about the wedding or the flower girl situation or whatnot - it is really about MIL's shitty treatment of OP's foster son.

It's not her mother in law's wedding. It's pretty despicable to ruin two people's wedding because of the actions of another person.

Birdsgottafly · 13/07/2014 08:38

Mind you, if you have to choose a gift, pay for it and cart it to the venue, you've got three more things to com

Birdsgottafly · 13/07/2014 08:40

To complain about.

You don't have to be permanently joined at the hip, once you are married and you each can afford your Spouse break from the children, especially when it comes to a family wedding.

QuintessentiallyQS · 13/07/2014 08:46

Has anyone called the op Guestzilla yet?