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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in laws wedding

293 replies

scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 00:20

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 09/07/2014 01:11

Cant you just leave the dcs with your folks for the weekend? Might be less stressful for you and if they arethat young that they will misbehave or faff ay the dinner table will they actually get anything out of the wedding anyways?

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 01:12

Thanks lying- good tips!

I still have to get my outfit and am going to pick something to match my girls. My mil bought them dresses already as she doesn't like my choice of clothes lol and wanted 'them to be nice'. Again I accommodated this as I didn't want to make a scene! But to be honest, it's no big deal and the dresses are nice and as close to being flower girls as she could get away with- not sure how the bride will react!

OP posts:
wheresthelight · 09/07/2014 01:13

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. You are being completely unreasonable and as you yourself have put you are coming across as a complete cow.

Your dh is a groomsman and therefore part of the bridal party. Like it or not his place is at the top table and yours is elsewhere. It's a couple of hours ffs grow up amd get over it

The only thing I was going to say you weren't being unreasonable aboit was the flight until you said you have done this before so I am afraid I have to say yabvvu

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 01:14

Think- I would love to leave the youngest two with my parents, but my mil has spent £300+ on outfits for them and would have a fit.

OP posts:
STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 09/07/2014 01:16

Maybe it was the 'spiritedness' that decided they wouldnt be asked to be flowergirls on the wedding.

I'm a single parent so i just dont have any truck with people in a couple who go into a meltdown at the suggestion there partner not be surgically attatched to their side all the time. It's not a permanent alteration to your life- it is one night and a morning.

If your children misbehave at the table then you take them out and let the other guests enjoy their meal. Not really sure what difference your DH being at the table will make.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 09/07/2014 01:21

I dont think Op is flying. She hasnt said so anyway.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 01:22

Stopped- I fully appreciate that I sound terrible complaining about being asked to cope for a few hours, and know it isn't comparable to being a single parent. I suppose it isn't really about 'coping for a few hours', just more my mil and SIL attitude in general. My mil told me that my SIL didn't ask girls to be flower girls as she didn't want them stressing her out on the morning of the wedding and to be honest I was really hurt as they aren't awful children or anything- certainly no behavioural problems. And as I said- if it had of been the other way round I would have dreamt of leaving her children out. So yes, I and my husband are very hurt. Our two are their only nieces.

OP posts:
Mumyum1 · 09/07/2014 01:23

Actually, I'm quite serious.

I've learned my lesson the hard way and will never again sacrifice one iota of my own comfort for the in-laws.

If you don't think about number one (and by extension the three kids) scarlet no one will. MIL wants her way regardless of your comfort. And why shouldn't you be comfortable. Tell your husband your mother is sleeping over in the family room and he is welcome to sleep over at the family home. Has your mom been invited to the wedding? If not she should be, if only as a body to help you as they are taking away the body that otherwise would have.

At a family wedding, in a different country, by yourself with the three kids mostly, your DH will be needed for endless things at the family home, the kids will be on sugar highs, tired, cranky, needy. Oh no, I would never do it alone. They need to accommodate your needs if they would like to have your DH.

Who cares if you're being bitchy?? I wouldn't care a damn about their feelings if they don't care about yours.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 01:23

No, probably won't fly- two and a half hour ferry crossing after three hour drive, then another hours drive on my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 01:27

Thanks Mumy- that's exactly it- they would never put themselves out for us. When my grand mother died last year, my MIL wouldn't even mind my girls for an hour while I went to the funeral despite being off work. So I am just annoyed that she expects me to do stuff there is no way she would do. She wouldn't even take her own two children out anywhere at the same time as each other as she found it too stressful.

OP posts:
Mumyum1 · 09/07/2014 01:33

There you go then. Stand up to them now and you'll do yourself a favour. They won't try to walk over you again. To others on this thread, all due respect, but this is also about the principle. MIL needs to be shown some bared teeth and claws. Just so she knows they're there. (Sorry for sounding too dramatic lol)

MagicMojito · 09/07/2014 01:35

I don't think yabu. Your pissed off and venting. Tbh its the kind of thing I'd get pissed off at over too.

Go along with it, smile, get it over with then come onto mumsnet for a big fat moan Grin

I feel your pain. Weddings are shit and families are irritating and Annoyong.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 01:41

Thanks all! I am usually really laid back but I just get fed up agreeing to stuff there is no way my MIL would! Plus, I also can't understand why she is digging her heels in over where my husband sits when he is neither groom/ best man/ father of the bride or groom. I really don't think anyone attending will give a toss where 'Groomsman number two' is sitting and most would think it entirely reasonable that he would sit with his young family as he doesn't have a starring role as such and has agreed to all the other bits. It's not so much of me not being able to cope, but more why should I when he is there?

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 01:49

And one further rant- my mil also gave my SIL a copy of my wedding DVD and SIL liked it so much, she is basically planning a very similar day. So walking in to same music, leaving to same music, same vocalist during signing of papers, same string quartet and she wanted the same colour of bridesmaids until I told my mil it would be in bad taste, however I wouldn't be surprised if she ignores this. I know it doesn't really matter but again is just grating. Anyway, going to just let it all wash over me and enjoy the Prosecco!

OP posts:
MrsGeorgeMichael · 09/07/2014 02:50

I think i must be a class A bitch, because all i can think is "I wouldn't even be going" - we would all get D+V at the last moment!

life is too short for that sort of shit

eightyearsonhere · 09/07/2014 03:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleepysheepsleeping · 09/07/2014 03:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EarthWindFire · 09/07/2014 06:07

I'm sorry but YABVU and acting very precious. It's not your day. If you don't like it don't go.

Your SIL reason for not having them as flower girls sounds reasonable to me, specially as you are kicking off at having to look after them on your own at the wedding breakfast.

ApocalypseThen · 09/07/2014 06:26

I think they've all forgotten who this wedding is really about. Remind them all,OP! It is your big day after all.

merrymouse · 09/07/2014 06:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable - I would be a bit fed up about being in sole charge of 3 children at a wedding. On the other hand who will you be sitting with - is it likely that some relatives will be charmed by them and give you a hand? What is the venue like? Is there somewhere for them to play? Atleast you have the perfect excuse to make an exit if you your children are too bored/tired.

At this stage I think your best option is to enjoy the day.

meganorks · 09/07/2014 06:32

Re flower thing I think YABU. Up to them. If you love in a different country I can see how logistically would be pain to try and sort dresses etc.

Re table personally I think YANBU. I think searing people seperately from their other halves a bit odd but when you have several small children a pain. Wedding breakfast is going to be very long and boring for little ones. An extra pair of hands to try and entertain would be helpful. Maybe try explaining that they are likely yo just start running about, especially if dad is somewhere else. Of just let them!

Re room thing YANBU to be annoyed that they ignored you and made assumptions. But 30 miles for your mum to drive really isn't far! If there is a chance she could have the kids why not do that? It would be way nicer all round. Obviously there might be other reasons, but all you mention is distance. And if you live in another country surely your mum would be overjoyed to have them!

PickledPorcupine · 09/07/2014 06:33

I didn't have a flower girl at my wedding because I didn't want one despite having a 2 year old niece. It was nothing to do with my relationship with my DH's family (which is very good), I just didn't want one and couldn't see it as part of my day.

You really need to let it go and try to enjoy it. It's their wedding, they are entitled to do whatever they want. All brides and grooms are entitled to do it their way and if they want the groomsmen with them that's their choice. Your DH can always back out of being one.

Inertia · 09/07/2014 06:47

I'm going to go against the tide here - I don't think it's reasonable to expect dh to travel separately from you and the children. It doesn't sound like a straightforward journey , so would be much less stressful if you could share the driving / child wrangling. He doesn't need to be there for the rehearsal - it's really quite simple to learn how to hand out order of service sheets.

ApocalypseThen · 09/07/2014 06:58

I'd say they're dying to see him unsupervised.

VioletHare · 09/07/2014 07:03

When dh was his dbros best man, I had to drive 3 hours to the wedding alone as he'd stayed overnight.

We had a 4 month old and a 2 year od that I had to get ready by myself, and look after all day alone while dh was on best man duties. He was on the top table, I was on a table with 6 other adults, all 60 plus, who looked at the dc like they were an alien species.

It is without doubt the worst wedding I've been to. I didn't enjoy one bit of it. I missed the church service and dh's speech because I had to take the kids out. When everyone else was dancing at 7pm I was trying to soothe a screaming baby and keep an eye on the 2 yo.

It was stress and hassle from start to finish. But it was dh's brother, so I plastered a smile on just got through it.

I do think yabu. Just suck it up for one day, for your dh.