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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother in laws wedding

293 replies

scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 00:20

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 09/07/2014 09:49

Pomme, possibly because they can't please everyone? Someone will always be peed off. So rightly, the bride and groom will have the wedding that they want.

HaroldLloyd · 09/07/2014 09:49

Honestly I would be a bit grumpy about it too, but I don't think it's outrageous for them to ask.

AggressiveBunting · 09/07/2014 09:49

To be fair, I would travel separately (done longhaul with 3 yo and 18mo a number of time- it sucks, but then plane journeys arent billed as fun). I'd sit separately from DH no probs. But what would really piss me off is having to entertain 2 under 5's through a drinks reception and what could potentially be a 3 hr meal. That's why I'd just say the DC can stay with granny. It's so obviously the easiest option as then no-one has to drive around in the evening and you'll have a far better time.

pommedeterre · 09/07/2014 09:51

Nick - but if they didn't want op's dh at the top table initially why change it? Also why insist on the kids being there and then have OP abandoned to do it all alone?

Maybe its all MIL and BIL/SIL can't be arsed with sorting her out? MIL sounds a right cow.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 09:52

I am quite happy for them to have the wedding they want but do they really need 'groomsman number two' stuck of their jumpers the entire time and for three days before the wedding too? Which is another point- as well as travelling back separately, I will have a couple of days at home on my own with the kids too so husband can attend rehearsal. And before anyone asks- of course I can cope, including childcare/ school run drop and work, but it does seem really silly to insist so he learns how to give out an order of service.

OP posts:
Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 09:56

As someone else has said, we get it, you don't like you MiL. But reading this as an outsider, and even though I only have your take on it, it seems totally like six of one and half a dozen of the other to me, and my guess is that you are not her favourite person either.

Just as an example though, you seem to criticise them for not doing things your way, but when they do things your way (e.g using your music ideas etc) you don't like that either.

Tbh if half of what you say bout your MiL is true she sounds like hard work, but in all love, so do you. There is clearly bad blood between you, with both of you at fault, but now is not the time to sort it, imho.

I really hope in spite of everything you enjoy the wedding.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/07/2014 09:57

It's sounding more and more that the problem is that you feel excluded somehow, OP. Is that it?

You can't change this wedding, nor bend the people involved to your will. You can make your husband miserable but ultimately, you can't force him into line with what you want either.

What is going to make this tolerable for you? Focus on that, not the details which you have no control over. You're in danger of blowing this up in your head so it becomes a monstrous thing rather than what it is, a wedding that you'd rather was arranged differently.

I won't tell you to get a grip but think of your blood pressure!

Writerwannabe83 · 09/07/2014 09:57

YABU

It is my understanding that at Weddings the Groomsmen are either at the top table or are sitting on a separate table but with the other Groomsmen and bridesmaids.

I don't think I have ever been to a wedding, or heard of one, where one of the wedding party is randomly sitting amongst the guests.

Nicknacky · 09/07/2014 09:58

My reading of it that it's the mil that insist the kids came, not the bride and groom. They are invited to attend, not summoned.

Nope Scarlet they don't need Groomsman number 2 but they want it. Why is that hard to understand?

dingalong · 09/07/2014 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BranchingOut · 09/07/2014 10:02

Is no one else seeing the parts about the treatment of OP's foster child?

Maybe that is annoying her somewhat?

OP, I say go along with the journey and overnight, but if you can get your husband seated with you during the meal then that is the point to dig in upon - as people will remember if your children make any fuss during the meal or speeches. Not that I am saying they will, but I think YANBU to want him there then - it is not as if he is best man!

Oh and speak to the catering staff so that they are not offered fizzy drinks. Plus take activity kits with new items in, to keep them busy.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 10:04

It is hard to understand because I don't get why when they know it is causing us a huge amount of stress and we are pissed off over the flower girl thing, they insist on it. It is like my mil is determined to push it through because she wants me to be as annoyed as possible and wants husband to do what she wants and not what I want. When actually she doesn't seem to get is that by insisting that my husband does all these things she is just causing a lot of bad blood with her on son and herself. There is no give with her whatsoever.

OP posts:
Numanoid · 09/07/2014 10:04

I don't think I have ever been to a wedding, or heard of one, where one of the wedding party is randomly sitting amongst the guests.

I haven't heard of it either, that's how I'm planning mine... and now hoping none of the partners are going to react like the OP. :/ Although I'm pretty sure they won't.

ApocalypseThen · 09/07/2014 10:05

No matter what they do, OP, you won't be suited. They don't have your daughters as flower girls, that's overlooking them and intolerable. They buy outfits for the children, probably to mollify you because they know how you react, not good enough.

I'd say now if your husband wasn't at the top table that'd also be a mortal insult showing that anyone connected to you isn't toptableworthy.

They may not be the greatest, but there's easily two sides here.

Numanoid · 09/07/2014 10:06

Is no one else seeing the parts about the treatment of OP's foster child?

Maybe that is annoying her somewhat?

I completely agree, MIL's comments are beyond nasty, they really are. But it's no reason to ruin BIL's wedding and cause him and his wife-to-be so much grief.

Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 10:06

Branching I agree with you totally on the treatment of DFS issue but on the rest you totally lost me

but if you can get your husband seated with you during the meal then that is the point to dig in upon - as people will remember if your children make any fuss during the meal or speeches. Not that I am saying they will, but I think YANBU to want him there then - it is not as if he is best man! Oh and speak to the catering staff so that they are not offered fizzy drinks.

Say, what??????????????????? Do you run courses on guestzilla-dom??

BranchingOut · 09/07/2014 10:07

Having said all that, people do get a bit emotional/funny around big life events and maybe your MIL on some level is trying to gather her sons around her for one last time?
There are probably undercurrents of emotion that can result in unreasonable behaviour...

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 10:08

Yes- treatment of foster son has been a long running issue. Totally unsupportive when we told them we were going to foster and not been easy since then. We don't think foster son was even going to be invited to wedding until my husband said that if he wasn't we wouldn't be there at all.

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 09/07/2014 10:11

Er, nothing wrong with a parent wanting to avoid a sugar-rush in a young child, at a public event where best behaviour is expected.

I am just talking a discreet word in the waiter's ear as everyone is seated, not the OP marching into the kitchen...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/07/2014 10:11

There it is... OP, think - if your MIL wants you to be as annoyed as possible, think how her evil plan would be thwarted were you to be all serene and smiling... and nice, agreeable to everything. You could quite spoil her day! Wink

Get through the wedding THEN deal with her treatment of your son. The two issues are not connected nor related.

pommedeterre · 09/07/2014 10:12

I thought very carefully about how the two partners affected by my top table could be seated and looked after.

Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 10:13

We don't think foster son was even going to be invited to wedding until my husband said that if he wasn't we wouldn't be there at all.

Unacceptable if this was actually the case but it sounds a wee bit like paranoid conjecture to me which would be par for the course

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 10:15

Yesterday when she told us about the top table, I think she was expecting my husband and I to fall out about it but I didn't give her the satisfaction. So I am trying hard not to let her get to me- to her face anyway! I just sit and quietly fume!

OP posts:
Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 10:15

I am just talking a discreet word in the waiter's ear as everyone is seated, not the OP marching into the kitchen...

Fair play, but that's what it sounded like! I may have missed it but has OP even said this was an issue....if not ffs don't give her yet something else to stress over! Grin

gotthemoononastick · 09/07/2014 10:15

OP...your girls have gorgeous frocks...they may not be flower girls,but they are CONFETTI-GIRLS!!!! This is how we used to accommodate all the little girls and not cause hurt.

Buy lovely little baskets and fill them with confetti and lots and lots of glitter.(yellow big grin)