Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in laws wedding

293 replies

scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 00:20

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

OP posts:
ikeaismylocal · 09/07/2014 07:04

Yabu. The oldest 2 are school aged, it isn't that hard to look after 3 of your own children whilst you eat dinner. I understand that it wouldn't be your choice but it's not your wedding so you don't get to choose.

I also think yabu about being angry about your sil wanting the same music bridesmaids dress colour, non of those things are important, the important thing is that you promised your husband to be together forever, having the same colour dresses would not impact on the promises you made or that sil and bil will make. You sound a but ex-bridezilla.

If your school aged child is unable to sit still at dinner I understand why sil and bil do not want them being a flower girl. If they are unable to behave themself at an important occasion why risk having them as part of the wedding party?

qazxc · 09/07/2014 07:19

Do you know who you are seated with? If it is with other family members, i'm sure they would help out if needed. (for example, keep an eye on two of them while you bring one to the toilet or outside for a minute in case of tantrum).

Sleepysheepsleeping · 09/07/2014 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Namechangearoonie123 · 09/07/2014 07:31

I wouldn't bother keeping much of an eye - let them pop up to see daddy every few minutes.

Have a few drinks and let them run around a bit, go back to the room when it's boring for you or them and watch a film.

I think having a bedroom is a good idea. You can go back to it, get into your jammies and watch a film.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 08:17

Thanks everyone. I will try and chill out a bit about it all and let it wash over me. And also it's 30 miles each way for my mum to drive to get kids so not just a quick jaunt up the road and she isn't keen to be overly accommodating after mil past behaviours over grand mothers funeral so I would feel bad expecting her to come and get them.

OP posts:
StrawberryMouse · 09/07/2014 08:20

I hate couples being split up at weddings too, particularly if there are children to be cared for. We arranged for families to sit together at our wedding but when it is somebody else's, you can't really complain. Are you sure you want to take the really little children? You will be chasing them all day by yourself and not really able to relax / have a drink? Could your side of the family do childcare?

StrawberryMouse · 09/07/2014 08:21

Ah cross posted!

lollipoppi · 09/07/2014 08:22

Ive just had a similar (ish) situation recently.

My DP was best man at his friends wedding, 5 hour car journey on my own with DS(3) and DD(1) then basically the whole morning on my own with them, ceremony, pictures, meal, as DP was on top table, and evening whilst DP had a good night with friends.
I wound myself up about it for months before hand worrying

But actually, to my surprise, we had a lovely day! Kids were well behaved and apart from missing most of the meal and speeches as DD was beyond tired and had a meltdown
It was just like any other day being on my own with the kids, just in fancy clothes Smile

What I'm saying is, don't spend the next few months worrying, you might actually have a nice time

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 08:23

Apocalypse- they have just had three days of my husband 'unsupervised' as they insisted we changed our holiday plans to enable him to attend a special BBQ for second part of brothers stag do. Again, I actually didn't complain about this and just took the three kids away myself for the weekend while husband was with his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 08:29

Strawberry- I absolutely would have preferred to leave kids with my parents except my mil would flip as she spent a fortune on dresses for them. She had initially asked if the girls could travel to the wedding with her and fil but presumably my SIL has said no as this hasn't been mentioned again, plus she is having all the men leave from her house so probably doesn't want them in the way. Which is fair enough and to be honest I was a bit annoyed that she wanted me and eldest to go on our own without daughters. I sound like a nutcase but honestly I am normally very rational!

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 09/07/2014 08:33

How would you feel if someone was complaining about your wedding like this?

Some of your children at least are not small if the are at school. If they can sit through assemblies etc I'm sure they can manage a wedding.

Your children do not have a right to be flower girls and it is up to the bride and groom as to where they sit guests.

It may not be your choice or how you would do things, but guess what it's not your day.

Chill out about it and I'm sure it will be fine.

Diamondsareagirls · 09/07/2014 08:37

OP, I mean this is the nicest possible way but the way you approach your relationship with you in laws sounds exhausting to me. You have got so many issues you are annoyed about from the past that you are never going to really enjoy spending time with them by the sound of it. They haven't been very thoughtful of you and your children in this situation but that's because this day isn't about you.

Believe me, mine drive me up the wall on occasion but I think you are letting these little issues stop you from enjoying any time with your children's grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

If they are that bad don't spend any more time with them. Or you could try and relax a bit and let your DH and children spend time with their family.

Nicknacky · 09/07/2014 08:37

I don't think it matters what your mil does, she is wrong! She suggests she takes the kids and you don't like that either. It's her daughter getting married, that's her focus.

If you don't want to take the children, then don't. Explain about the dresses and see if she can get a refund.

MidniteScribbler · 09/07/2014 08:41

Do you think there may be a reason that the family keep wanting to have time with him 'unsupervised'? It sounds like your behaviour of wanting everything to revolve around you might be somewhat of a well known fact among the family.

whois · 09/07/2014 08:43

Normally I'm all for 'why can't you look after your own children for a few hours' but I get that isn't really the problem here. It's that you've been made to feel unwanted and there are lots of little things building up the pressure on you.

MIL and SIL sound like selfish pigs, and really, having groomsman no 2 sitting with his wife and children for the meal is NOT going to negatively impact on the bloody wedding.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 08:47

Earth- at my wedding I sat my BIL with his now ex girlfriend as she was on her own, and then had her in my official wedding photos as my mil insisted on it. I also agreed to my mil second cousin being our flower girl as it was important to mil, so I honestly am not some sort of controlling bridezilla!

OP posts:
Sicaq · 09/07/2014 08:50

I can see your point about splitting the family up, actually. Hopefully DH will slip away to join you as soon as possible. And having a Top Table is naff anyway IMO.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 08:54

Nicky- she didn't 'suggest' taking the girls to be helpful. She TOLD me this is what would be happening months ago and long before she knew we were peeved. I said nothing at the time, but the reason I was annoyed was that it felt like me and my eldest, who is fostered, were going to cramp her style and she wanted the focus on her by arriving with two cute little girls with their mother and foster brother shoved off to the side. But I said nothing so really wasn't trying to create a drama and cause problems.

OP posts:
FederationPresidentBarryFife · 09/07/2014 08:55

she wanted the same colour of bridesmaids until I told my mil it would be in bad taste

Oh god OP. That is so precious!

PLEASE try to remember to behave well. You might spoil her day - and really that is not OK. Its about a bride and groom falling in love and marrying, the rest is just silliness and fun. Also remember: that it is NOT YOUR WEDDING. You don't own weddings - it's not about you.
It's not what you would have done? So what?
It is close to what you did? So what?
None of this is done to hurt you - it's for the bride and groom. It's actually not about you.
That should be your mantra for the next few days (weeks?) It. Is. NOT. about.you.

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 09/07/2014 08:55

Yabu for the plane ride with kids. It's hassle. First you have to hoick all the luggage, buggies etc and actually get to the airport. I did this recently with just one toddler, and pushing a buggy, pulling a suitcase and having a hand luggage bag was a nightmare. Trying to get everything on and off the train with shouting about being in the pushchair.
Then you will undoubtedly have 'mummy I need a wee' right at the wrong moment. Then at the airport you have the rigmarole of security, NOT fun with screaming toddler being held by security whilst you get patted down and then try to get all your bits together, drag the buggy back up whilst holding your jeans up as you had to take off your bloody belt, and toddler runs off with your shoe and you apologise for holding the queue up.
Not to mention the actual plane ride where most people sit and read or doze and you will have the stress of trying not to be the parent of the screaming child and then it's overtired overexcited little ones bawling, screaming, fighting whilst you attempt to drag everything off the other end and get to the hotel.
It is a feat of engineering and rather than a wedding to get through you'd rather lie with a gin in the bath for an hour.
All i can say is, and this is what I did at the reception (not proud) 'mummy's accidentally gotten drunk because she's sooooooo tired. Go and find daddy' so dh had dd and i got quietly merry.

But yabu for the flower girl thing. It means you don't mind if your kids run about messing themselves up and you have one less thing to stress over.

And yanbu for the night before thing. Dh should say either all or none.

Nicknacky · 09/07/2014 08:57

You did say she asked to take the girls in your post.......

Nicknacky · 09/07/2014 08:58

Allhail, she isn't flying. She is getting a ferry.

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 09:12

Getting the ferry is in some ways worse as it takes hours, but again, I did agree to it for an easy life, it is just all things put together that has tipped me over the edge. Combined with the fact that there is no way my mil would do it herself but just expects me to, like some kind of mug. At no point has she even asked me- she just tells me 'this is what is happening'. She was dementing my husband and I a couple of nights ago about how to send back the already provided RSVP cards like were some kind of idiots who didn't understand how to do one.

OP posts:
tiggytape · 09/07/2014 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight · 09/07/2014 09:16

The more you post the more unreasonable you sound.

Why the hell are you so completely obsessed with what your mil would or wouldn't do.

Either go, smile and do your duty or don't but stop the bloody drama llama whining and princess hissy fofits because you sound like really hard work

Swipe left for the next trending thread