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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother in laws wedding

293 replies

scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 00:20

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 10:16

Fattening- it could well be conjecture but going on their last behaviour it wouldn't have shocked me.

OP posts:
Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 10:16

So I am trying hard not to let her get to me- to her face anyway! I just sit and quietly fume!

Then you ARE letting her get to you.

Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 10:18

Fattening- it could well be conjecture but going on their last behaviour it wouldn't have shocked me.

In other words, you made it up! Look, again I say this in all love, it seems like you are LOOKING for things to stress about. Hand on heart, do you think this might be why you are being kept at arm's length a bit (not saying that's right, just saying it might be a factor!)

SilverDragonfly1 · 09/07/2014 10:18

I'm really confused here. Why will you have to travel back on your own because of the rehearsal? That takes place before the wedding. Also, which relatives live in which country? Sometimes it sounds like your mum and MIL live in a different country from you, but then how would MIL have been available to babysit your children on a different occasion if so? And if mum doesn't live in the country the wedding's in, how could she drive 30 miles to pick up your kids from a hotel?

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 10:22

My mother and mil live in same country. Wedding rehearsal is three days before wedding, and I would therefore need to take annual leave and remove eldest two from school for three days in order for us all to drive back together.

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 09/07/2014 10:23

Buy lovely little baskets and fill them with confetti and lots and lots of glitter.(yellow big grin)

Do not do this.

SilverDragonfly1 · 09/07/2014 10:23

Having re-read posts- maybe your immediate family is temporarily in a different country for a short period? Are they dragging you back from a holiday?

PosingInManilla · 09/07/2014 10:25

Agree wholeheartedly with fatteningviolet

I will never fail to be amazed at wedding traumas.

Your husband has agreed to be part of the wedding party. The B&G want the wedding party to be sat at the top table. You don't want him to be. Sorry but on their day, their wishes trump yours. Yes they could tie themselves in knots making sure every individual is perfectly catered or they could just enjoy the day and hope that the arrangements will be mostly good enough for most people.

I don't envy the travel arrangements but you always have the option of not going? Regardless of whether MIL has bought dresses or not she isn't the one carting the kids round. If it's too much then it is too much. But crucially, if you are going, then bite your tongue, and accept that things mightn't be easy for you or exactly how you would like but that it is unlikley any of this has been done with the express purpose of annoying you.

MIL has made some nasty comments about your son. I would be furious. But it's not HER wedding, it is BIL's so don't allow your feelings about MIL to make you dig your heels in about the wedding.

HaroldLloyd · 09/07/2014 10:26

The wedding rehearsal then isn't their fault as such it's just logistics.

I'd just let it go, but I would get it written unto ake that he has the kids most if the afternoon, and I might get drunk and smoke a fag behind the marquee.

BranchingOut · 09/07/2014 10:27

Fair point, I was just imagining a picked-over main course, hot room, desert, slice of wedding cake and a glass of lemonade building up into a perfect storm during the best man's speech....

Hope it all works out for you OP and is not as bad as you expect.

TheRealMaryMillington · 09/07/2014 10:27

You are being accommodating re the rehearsal and travel etc. He can sit with you during the meal. Bugger tradition. IT's hardly going to ruin anyone's day.

YABU re flower girls, let it go
Rooms, well your MIL probably just doing her best, she's obviously in the thick of some crazy major production.

Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 10:29

Fair point, I was just imagining a picked-over main course, hot room, desert, slice of wedding cake and a glass of lemonade building up into a perfect storm during the best man's speech....

Sounds a lot like every wedding I've ever been to! Grin

Original poster
scarlettsmummy2 · 09/07/2014 10:30

Thank you the realmary- that was basically my thoughts!

OP posts:
glasgowstevenagain · 09/07/2014 10:32

I think i must be a class A bitch, because all i can think is "I wouldn't even be going" - we would all get D+V at the last moment!

^^

This.

Sorry not well, darling look after the children please

Balaboosta · 09/07/2014 10:43

OP you've been given loads of good advice on this thread about how to calm down and get a grip of this. If it's such a problem for you - just don't go fgs!

Fatteningviolet · 09/07/2014 10:47

Balaboosta

Spoken as only a balaboosta can! Wink

creampie · 09/07/2014 10:53

I don't think YABU at all.

All the weddings I've been to have involved a top table of bride, groom, both sets of parents, chief bridesmaid and best man. How big is this table if it can also accommodate all the minor parts?!

Most weddings also at least try to make an effort not to make it awful for the partners of those affected by the top table. It does sound like mil is trying to be deliberately difficult. Are you at least sat on a table with people who might help you with the kids?

If not, and they won't budge on letting your husband sit with you all, I really wouldn't be taking the 2 youngest. I'd leave them with my mum and sod the dress prices. I would take the eldest as he's most likely to behave (and it would give me a quiet satisfaction to know this is likely to piss off mil, for whatever reason).

Weddings are a nightmare without the bonus of booze, which you won't get looking after 3 children. It doesn't sound worth the aggro

trevortrevorslattery · 09/07/2014 11:29

It is like my mil is determined to push it through because she wants me to be as annoyed as possible and wants husband to do what she wants and not what I want.

Er.. no. She just has a limited number of fucks to give and none of them have been extended to you, which I think is reasonable.

YABU - it's not your wedding.
Either go or don't go. If you do go though then don't sulk about it.

trevortrevorslattery · 09/07/2014 11:30

*has

Oldraver · 09/07/2014 11:40

Yes you are being a cow. Of course MIL will be on the top table, the same as anyone else in the Bridal party.

ApocalypseThen · 09/07/2014 11:41

It does seem astonishing the trouble old MIL has gone to in order to organise a wedding specifically designed to irritate and inconvenience the OP. In the OP's opinion. I can't understand where MIL gets the energy or focus. It's a lot of effort.

TheRealMaryMillington · 09/07/2014 11:45

I think, though, for your own sanity, you have to separate the issues around your relationship with your MIL from the wedding inconveniences.
People lose all perspective around weddings and you should just choose to believe that MIL is not trying to organise any of this to piss you off (and hopefully she really isn't)

Go and have a nice time. DH insists on being seated with you, his family, after not being with you for 4 days, and for the benefit of them all having calmness and silence during speeches.

She being an utter knob about your foster son. That is pretty detestable. But not something that can get sorted out just now.

EarthWindFire · 09/07/2014 11:55

It is like my mil is determined to push it through because she wants me to be as annoyed as possible and wants husband to do what she wants and not what I want.

It's not your wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can ask for what you want but shouldn't expect it.

You really are coming across as hard work.

EarthWindFire · 09/07/2014 11:59

We don't think foster son was even going to be invited to wedding until my husband said that if he wasn't we wouldn't be there at all.

The way MIL has talked about your foster son is of course wrong and no one would deny that.

I do think however you are looking for things to cause a rift over. Your foster son wasn't not invited. You thought he may not be.

gingercat2 · 09/07/2014 13:11

I think that the person you should really be annoyed at is your husband. He is the one choosing to go a few days early and let you travel there and back on your own.

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