Brother in laws wedding

[scarlettsmummy2]

My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.

Honestly, we get it. You don't like your mother in law.

I think because of it you are looking to be annoyed about this. The bride and groom can't consider the arrangements for every guest and your mil probably assumes that as a capable woman you can handle this.

My mil is similar but at the end of the day, she is my husbands mother so I grin and bare it.

I think if she said black then you would say white for the sake of it.

Tiggy- I know it is going to be hard having the kids at dinner and as I said, I could accept this if my husband had a starring role and needed to be at the top table, but there will be eleven other people up there and I can't imagine any guest is going to be wondering 'where is groomsman number two'. Plus, he was initial an usher and only got promoted at there are too many bridesmaids. The two ushers are sitting with their families.

The starring role is the bride and groom. The rest are bridal party and are at the top table as that is what they want.

If he was at your table would you stop complaining about all the other things?

Nick- you are right, but there really is only so much you can take. I have been bending over backwards for years and have now just had enough. I could write a book about some of the quite frankly horrible things she has done. She used to be nice but turned into a nightmare the second I had my first baby.

YANBU.

I had a similar experience at my DH's best friends wedding. DH was best man.
We had an 18 month old DS and I was heavily pregnant.
During the church bit, I took DS out as soon as he started getting fidgety (after 2 mins), so missed out on the long catholic ceramony.
When we got to the venue, DH had to do his bestman duties which included standing in a line with the rest of the wedding party and greeting each and every guest and having a mini chat with them. I'd say that took at least 2 hours.
I had no idea what time this greeting thing was meant to finish and the meal start and DS needed changing , so I went back to the hotel room (in the same building), changed DS and when I got back everyone was seated and the speeches were nearly ending, and I had missed out on hearing DH's best man speech. I was gutted.
Ofcourse DH was seated at the top table and me and DS wasn't. I was so shattered by then running around after DS and being heavily pregnant. While I ate I gave DS to DH to look after a the top table. I was a bit pissed off at this point.
And ofcourse I missed out on the evening do because I had to go put DS to sleep and stay with him in the room while DH caught up with friends and had a lovely time.
I did not enjoy that wedding one little bit.

But this isn't your mil wedding. It's your husbands brother so just forget about all the other things.

Nick- I haven't complained to them at all about the other things. My husband had told them all from day one that he wanted as minimal a role as possible and wanted to sit with us- which wasn't a problem until they promoted him from usher. Plus- they don't tell you everything in one go- they just drop bombshells in as to what you have to do, for example attend the rehearsal even though it's mid week and we live in a different country or stay over night without the kids and then expect my mum to just take them- even though on one memorable occasion my mil wouldn't even mind my foster son for an hour to enable me to get packed to drive back to uk as 'he isn't one of ours', said in front of him. But yet my mother should drive sixty miles and take three kids overnight.

Every post the more unreasonable you are sounding.

I think Apocalypse is right; the family doesn't appreciate what they perceive is your 'stranglehold' on your husband.

I think you intend to loosen up, you really want to but when it comes down to it, you hate your husband's family and you are going to find fault with it all.

You can either suck it up and attend this wedding in a good grace, falling in with the arrangements as they are and making your husband's role easy... OR you can stamp about, refuse to co-operate, find fault with everything... and make his required appearance there, difficult and miserable.

I'm assuming that you love your husband so, which will you choose? ... this wedding isn't about you or your children; none of it.

I was sympathetic to your plight last night, this morning not so much. You're sounding like a brat, OP, sorry. You won't change things, you haven't the power, but you do have the ability to make your husband's life difficult and miserable because you can't have what you want. That's it.

Your mother in law not babysitting has nothing to do with your brother in laws wedding!

I think it's fairly normal that in laws would think that the other sets of grandparents would babysit, wouldn't they?

You are putting your h in a position her where you are complaining to him and when his family need him for the wedding, he is possibly dreading telling you.

Honestly, pick your battles.

Whether she is a nightmare or not (in your opinion), someone else's wedding is not the place to take a stand. You're willing to ruin their wedding because you have issues with the mother of the groom. Shut your mouth, smile politely (while seething inside) and put your foot down about aspects of your relationship that do not affect other people.

Nick- my mil expects my mother to baby sit overnight but won't do it herself- see points re foster son and also my grandmothers funeral. My mum is normally really accommodating but gets pissed off at my mil general attitude of 'your mum can do it but I certainly won't'. On the one occasion my foster son did stay over with my husband she made him sleep in a sleeping bag as she didn't want him to dirty the sheets. So I do get really really pissed off when she makes demands.

Wow, sorry but YABU. If it were my wedding, I'd probably have told you not to bother by now!

I don't imagine you'd like someone asking you to change your seating arrangement if it were your wedding, because they didn't want to sit on their own for a couple of hours, then creating a drama out of what's meant to be such a happy day when you refused.

Any other issues can be sorted out after the wedding, as others said, it seems like it's just an excuse to bring up other issues about MIL, etc.

YABVU... Are you normally this dramatic Op? You sound really controlling..

...The comments from MIL are nasty, but that's something to discuss with her, I suppose.

So your H needs to sort out those issues with her then?

But the wedding irrelevant.

Mumyum1
If you don't think about number one (and by extension the three kids) scarlet no one will.

Yep, a wedding is EXACTLY the time to think about number one.

YANBU and well done for having a rant on here instead of to them. I haven't any comparable horror stories. I think the worst thing is your mil's rejection of your foster son. How long has he been with you?

If I were you I'd not take the children- just let them stay with your mother if she doesnt mind, and go on your own with your DH. I never take my DC to weddings. If MIL flips over the outfits just give her the money.

As a fellow expat I get why you're annoyed- this wedding is shaping up to be zero fun and just a logistical PITA for you. You wont be able to actually have a decent conversation with another adult until the kids leave.

As I have said- I wouldn't have minded about the seating thing, were it not for everything else and all the other demands and the fact that my mil and SIL seem to have no concept that my husband has a wife and three children to think about as well.
Anyway, we have told BIL that we would rather sit together for meal but rest of day husband happy to do whatever is required. If he refuses we will of course drop it, we just don't really understand why it is so vitally important that he is up there.

she wanted the same colour of bridesmaids until I told my mil it would be in bad taste

Good grief!!!

Two of my friends had the same wedding dress. They laugh about it. You don't own colours you know

I too am slightly shocked at all the yabu.

This wouldn't be happening if it were me. No travelling separately, no sitting separately. I'd just say no. What does your dh think? Is he being a bit spineless?

Why do other people want to make other people uncomfortable on their wedding day?! Do not understand! They're nice enough to come and spend the day with you, make it nice for them!

Posing - well, after spending money on flights and hotels and uprooting everyone to travel to see them say their vows and do their circus, probably yes, not being entirely miserable doing it can be a consideration!

Foster son has been with us five years. She has got slightly better with him but only because I went totally mental after the 'not one of hours' comment and didn't speak to her for months. She still doesn't take him with her though when her and fil take girls out, which he isn't bothered about, but it does annoy me as my own mum is really good. When we travel back we always stay at my parents house as my mil doesn't want the hassle and only takes my girls if my husband asks. So for example, we would be home two weeks and she will want to see them for a day and really isn't bothered about more than that. She was off for two weeks just passed but it wouldn't have occurred to her to take my daughter that's at school for a few days so we wouldn't have to pay for child care but my own mum would have done it without a second thought. I fully understand that it is her choice but just explaining that her character is quite different to the ethos I grew up with so we do clash.