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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry that MIL fed DS 4month

247 replies

PretzelPrincess · 07/07/2014 23:22

So I left DS who is 4 moths old with MIL just while I popped to the super market, half an hour max. I come back and she's feeding him a banana Shock He's 4 months and I have explicitly said over and over I don't want to give him solids just yet. AngryAngryAngry I'm so angry just thinking about it. I feel totally undermined. Don't trust her with DS anymore. Urghhhhhh.

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 08/07/2014 17:17

Oh FFS

There you go OP, not only is it completely unreasonable for you to expect someone to not do something to your child you'd repeatedly said you didn't want them to do, it's apparently unreasonable and precious for you to have any wishes or feelings about how another family member treats your child. And according to some posts here, your MIL was not only right, she was doing you a favour....

Are you quite sure your MiL doesn't post here?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/07/2014 17:21

I didn't say MIL was 'doing a favour' at all. I said that she hadn't done something 'awful' because I don't believe it is.

The majority of posters on this thread think that OP is right to be 'fuming'; I don't think she is.

The level of vitriol towards MILs (particularly) on here is horrendous. I am not a MIL but wouldn't dream of treating mine like this had she done the same.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 08/07/2014 17:32

It's just all a bit hysterical really.

wink1970 · 08/07/2014 17:32

Lyingwitch

Your post on the previous page about wider family vs motherly possession was extremely constructive, especially in the face of the amazing amount of over-reaction, bordering on hysteria.

Good grief, is there something in the water today?

drudgetrudy · 08/07/2014 17:45

I do think there is a middle way. You and MIL need to talk to each other calmly and politely. Just tell her how you are feeding DS and that you would like her to follow same plan.
If she's worried about this she can explain why but not go behind your back-you can then give your reasons.
It doesn't need to be a power struggle.
HOWEVER if she cannot discuss it politely and "starts world war 3" you really do have a problem as it would become clear that this is about control rather than concern for the baby. You would then need to be polite but very assertive with her and stick to your boundaries.
If you allow her to dominate you you are setting yourself up for a lot of problems, but perhaps she isn't trying to do that.
Talk to her and see how she reacts - and do it yourself, don't put DH in the middle.

Time2beme · 08/07/2014 17:51

Lying really you think anyone but one of the parents should give a baby his or her first solids despite being contrary to the current medical guidelines because it take a village to raise a child. I find that ridiculous esp considering baby had just been fed, mil was fully aware of the fact the parents didn't want baby to have solids.

Really don't thing its unreasonable to expect other people to respect your parenting decisions esp when grandma was being trusted to have sole care of baby for a little while.

ArcheryAnnie · 08/07/2014 18:00

LastTango bloody hell, I'm sorry to hear that.

I was at Guys, and the nurses gave DS formula without my permission. (I'd fed him first, so it wasn't the same as you, but still.) I really struggled to put my foot down to get to BF him at all - the instant a baby cried, they wanted to formula-feed. A good half of the bedside tables in that large ward had bottles on them, and I wonder how many women went away with their efforts to BF totally undermined.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/07/2014 18:10

If you think about it, Time, it's feasible that MIL probably didn't see a banana as 'food', more as a snack or even treat. It was possibly the most healthful, baby-friendly consumable that she had. MIL possibly forgot herself in that the baby had been fed and that he wasn't eating solids yet. The fact that she gave a whole banana made me think of it as something for 'teething/gumming', something safe to put in his mouth.

Should MIL have done this? Possibly not, particularly as OP said that she had instructed no solids. MIL possibly thought of banana 'mush' as not a solid, but a semi-solid and therefore ok.

The fact that OP posts as if MIL takes no notice of her, did this behind her back, doesn't trust MIL with 'her' baby anymore... well it speaks volumes to me. There is another post on the board where an OP perceived that MIL had given children alcohol - not so - OP checked and all is well. This is different, very different and it's not like Tango's situation either - that was terrible.

OP is not the sole 'owner' of the baby; her husband also has a say. To ask him to take his mother to task and put her straight isn't an adult thing to do. I know of many mothers who seem to behave as if their views trump their partners' views when it comes to child-rearing. They don't - although they partially get their wish when it comes to custody and the child(ren) is in their care for part of the week.

Children never do understand the minutiae behind a parent's decision to limit or thwart contact with family members... they just know that they don't have a relationship and they'd probably like one. I was such a child as were my brothers. My mother's argument with my grandmother's sister (not sure what relationship that is?) soured a whole branch of the family tree. My mother laments that we are a small family. Not worth it as far as I'm concerned.

I really do feel strongly about these MIL-fixing threads and I never think the whole picture is as is portrayed, merely that it's 'my way or the highway' in many cases and that is never reasonable.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/07/2014 18:12

Missed drudgetrudy's post and agree with it in its entirety.

AllTheNamesIWantHaveGone · 08/07/2014 18:14

Your baby. Your rules. End of.

YADNBU

CatsRule · 08/07/2014 19:29

Yanbu.

Your mil is very selfish and has ruined any chances in the future.

No a banana wont harm him but it's your place not hers and the current advice is no solids until 6 months...even if she didn't know that she did know your choices and she made a decision to disrespect you.

I would be furious, and very distrusting of her...I hope your dh supports you, she had no right.

RabbitSaysWoof · 08/07/2014 19:30

It doesn't take a village IMO it takes 2 parents.

I would assume the op and her dh decided between them the weaning age they were happy with so the MIL undermined both of them.

I never knew my gm on my df's side as she didn't like my dm, I didn't feel like I was missing anything, still don't.

vixsatis · 08/07/2014 20:08

Can't believe this is still running

Lyingwitch is entirely right.

Of course it would be wrong for the OP's MiL to do something really seriously outside the bounds of the OP's preferences but the fact that this was something so utterly trivial must put in doubt all the arguments that the MiL was somehow controlling or pushing boundaries. If the OP restricts the MiL's contact on the basis of a bit of banana, then it will be she who is starting world war three.

On the basis of this thread, most mothers seem incredibly precious and disinclined to think that a bit of family give and take is worth while.

Believe me, I loathe my mother in law and, when my son was younger I had a neurotic concern for his safety but a bit of banana (or in my MiL's case a cup of squash) simply isn't grounds for any more than mild irritation.

Next stop, Jeremy Kyle show

diddl · 08/07/2014 20:12

So it's MILs decision when to start weaning?

RabbitSaysWoof · 08/07/2014 20:31

Apparently diddl, otherwise you are precious if you want to see the child you gave birth to as 'your' child and decide whats right for them based on the most recent recommended guidelines.

slithytove · 08/07/2014 20:35

If the OP and her DH choose not to let MIL take their 4 month old unsupervised, because of the clear lack of respect she has for their parenting choices, then that is fair enough.

And there is no rule or requirement that a grandparent has to have a 4 month old without the parents there in order to enjoy them or bond with them.

DS is 15 months and largely sees his grandparents with DH and/or me present.

DangoDays · 08/07/2014 20:46

If you've asked someone not to and it was clear then i think any action taken other than that is NOT simply an oversight. Yeah if you've not been explicit or mentioned something then okay there is room for confusion. But if you've said then no - not okay and that lack of listening needs to be what's talked about.

miffybun73 · 08/07/2014 20:57

YANBU, I would be very angry and very upset. I just can't imagine what she was thinking and how she didn't realise how you would feel.

Igggi · 08/07/2014 21:17

Not remotely trivial, and tbh even if you thought it was you should hold back for sake of daughter or daughter-in-law's feelings.
I didn't ebf for six months to minimise allergies to have someone else, who had done none of the work involved in raising the baby thus far, decide to give it solids. My dh has his say, but no, he didn't have an equal say in the day-to-day care of a four month old when I was on ML and he wasn't.

TheLastThneed · 08/07/2014 22:03

My name is Thneed and I'm a hysterical, neuritic PFB.

Best head somewhere where I'm allowed to be passionate about matters concerning my child...

SquigglySquid · 08/07/2014 22:17

LyingWitch There's a huge difference between simply having different styles when it comes to watching babies, and deliberately doing something a parent told you specifically NOT to do.

I let my parents have DD for the weekend and they do things a bit differently. Letting her nap on her stomach while they supervise, not sticking to her bed time, over stimulating her and then proclaiming she's fussy, etc... I have no problem with these things because they have a good time and she comes back alive and well. I'm not going to sit there and nitpick over every detail of their day. I give them an overview about when he bedtime is, how she likes it calm and quiet, and if they choose not to listen they get to deal with the cranky baby.

But if I told them not to feed her solids because it goes against medical advice, that I felt strongly about it, and they ignored that, I'd be upset. I wouldn't be upset over a banana, I would be upset that I voiced my concerns, told them not to do something and they refused to just respect my wishes. As it is, my parents want to feed DD baby cereal at 3 months because they did it back in her day and it will make her sleep through the night. I keep telling them no. If they really have a problem getting up with her in the middle of the night, we can wait until she's sleeping through it before handing her over again.

IamSlave · 08/07/2014 22:22

OP, the baby is not YOURS to decree everything that will or not happen with him

what a load of rubbish! The mother or the main parent career is the one who is totally responsible for that childs care and if the baby died from the egg, and the mother knew her mil was a hard nosed, i will do what I want sort of mil....how would the public, or a court feel about that?

They would say, so you knew your MIL would never listen to you and you handed over a vulnerable small defenceless human to her...and she did what you knew she would do which is do her own thing and now this has happened...

the blame would lie with the parents.

it doesn't take much to sow seeds of a bad relationship just as it doesn't take that much to try to find common ground, ie. both you and MIL love the baby

Many parents love their babies so much they follow current guidelines on when to wean......even though they would also love to sneak in some banana, they wait. The put the baby before their ....own wants and needs.

IamSlave · 08/07/2014 22:23

And there is no rule or requirement that a grandparent has to have a 4 month old without the parents there in order to enjoy them or bond with them

totally agree, do not know where this need to have them alone has come from...

slithytove · 08/07/2014 22:27

It's ridiculous. As I said above, DS is rarely with the grandparents alone. Maybe an odd couple of hours when I run an errand, and that didn't start till he was 9/10 months.

Yet they have a wonderful relationship, FaceTime most days, we have been on holiday with both sets of grandparents, they are both confident with DS, and for the most part, (drops of sherry and chocolate bananas aside) we trust them with DS.

All achieved with us there!

Ragwort · 08/07/2014 22:34

Agree with Lying and others, this is all so trivial and some of you must be utter princesses about your PFBs - I bet you look back on this in a few years and are embarrassed.

To be 'fuming' and re-considering whether a grandmother can look after her own grandchild after such a small incident. And if you really think that giving your baby her first 'taste of food' is such a highlight in your life then I feel sorry for you Hmm.

I hope you all become the perfect MILs/grandmothers.