To be so angry that MIL fed DS 4month

[PretzelPrincess]

So I left DS who is 4 moths old with MIL just while I popped to the super market, half an hour max. I come back and she's feeding him a banana He's 4 months and I have explicitly said over and over I don't want to give him solids just yet. I'm so angry just thinking about it. I feel totally undermined. Don't trust her with DS anymore. Urghhhhhh.

Interfering old bat! I would be mad too. She has completely betrayed your trust and undermined you. My MIL did something similar and it was the hardest thing to do but I just rose above it.

If your MIL is like mine she would've done it to wind you up in the first place. I didn't retaliate. I just quietly reiterated although I felt like scratching her eyes out that I was trying to keep DD off solids until 6 months.

victrix - I despair - he can have a loving Grandparent, doesn't mean he has to spend time with her unsupervised. How is it in a child's interest to have an adult who deliberately undermines the consistency of their parenting and thinks they can over-rule parenting decisions? My Grandmother did this throughout our lives and I still resent my mother for not standing up to her.

It's not about the banana. The banana is a red herring.
It's not about whether it's OK to feed solids at 4mo.

It's about deliberately doing something you've been asked not to do - and she must have planned it and done it as soon as the OP was out the door.

If you have a recently-fed baby to look after for HALF AN HOUR there is clearly no need to feed them, there's plenty of other fun bonding activities to do. Unless your specific aim is to show your DIL who's boss.

My MIL loved my PFB & would never hurt him.

That was the reason she gave for thinking that she didn't need to wash her hands before touching him whilst he was in SCBU

I gave birth to him & washed my hands.

Silly cow!

The banana is a red herring (agree) but

It's not about the banana. The banana is a red herring. hmm
It's not about whether it's OK to feed solids at 4mo.

It's about deliberately doing something you've been asked not to do - and she must have planned it and done it as soon as the OP was out the door.

Boulevard has hit the nail on the head.

That is the point though isn't it? You do miss out on stuff by leaving baby with someone else. Anyone else.

To me this is really what's the problem. Mum isn't ready to, no matter what the reason. Rest is fluff.

BoulevardofBrokenSleep is absolutely right.

I have had issues like this with my own mother.

There is no doubt in my mind that they were about control.

I think, sadly, this is a taste of many more problems to come with your MIL...

Planned it? Oh do give over.

Ah ha! I the grand mother, grand dame of the x family, will give the child food! Now, mirror on the wall, show me what delights are in the kitchen! There, there shall be her nemesis, that there banana. Come here knife and slice, slice I tell you through the bonds of mother hood!!!!

Mwah ha ha ha

Eat little child eat....

Guidelines have been 6 months for 11 years now. And were 4-6 months for years before this. Hardly changing all the time. And there are no plans to change them any time soon either.

Just to clear up any misinformation on here.

Of course yanbu op. It is not somebody else's place to make major choices regarding raising your child, particularly when expressly told not to.

It is nothing to do with the food. Grandparents have to listen to the parent-it is not their child.

Maybe she planned it

Maybe there was a banana around and he looked at it and she just did it without thinking.

It was out of order, but really just have a word with her. Unless she has form not letting her have the baby on her own again, or all this talk of blowing it I do find excessive, in the basis if one mistake.

Are there not snowy? Just of of interest I've heard/ been told that they might go back to 4-6.

How is it a mistake though if she knows that her GC isn't being weaned yet?

If she's that absent minded best you don't leave them together again!!

As someone who weaned early I'm meh about the early feeding but doing it without your permission I would be livid and yes not trust her again.

Also don't get too hung up on firsts as they get older u will quite feasibly miss things like first steps and first words if they going to child care (they usually good enough to not tell u that though)

Yes, obviously she'd thought about it in advance.

You don't accidentally go straight to the one thing you've been repeatedly and specifically asked not to do, as soon as the person who asked you not to do it leaves the building.

Not once you're past the age of ~5, at least.

At least it wasn't chocolate cake which is what my Dad fed my ds at 4 months, when he was 8 weeks prem

I got over it and as the hv said 'it's not ideal but it's what grandparents do'

There is a difference between a baby walking/talking and choosing to give them food. One is baby led, one is interfering MIL led.

And the op explicitly explains that she has told her mil over and over that she is not weaning yet. This isn't an innocent spur of the moment thing, it's a deliberate act in defiance of what she has been told repeatedly.

The point is that if you leave your PFB with someone else then they may do things their way. You either trust that person or you do not. You cannot expect to direct their every action. Many more things in the future will annoy you - my Nanny teaching my PFB to say "pardon" was one of the hardest to bear.

LOL at

Summary: perhaps you are not ready to leave PFB with anyone.

You should be able to expect them not to give food to a baby not weaned yet. That's one of the "biggies"

But saying that it would depend for me on her reaction. If it's oh god so sorry didn't think won't again etc or so what it's only a banana next time it's going to be steak tartare.

Yanbu OP ! I'd be furious too. And of course a bit of banana isn't the end of the world but it's about respecting your wishes. I know my mil thinks I'm odd as I'm still bfing and not onto solids yet (dd is 16 weeks...) but I would hope she would listen to my wishes.

Totally agree that she was out of order - completely not on for her to go against your decision and your husband should have a gentle but very clear word with get about it. However.... Please don't let this ruin your relationship with her long term unless there are other reasons to do so. I can just imagine in 15 years time your son asking "Mum, why don't we see Grandma anymore?" and you having to tell him it was because she gave him a bit of banana aged 4 months!!
I also agree with people are saying unless you're with your child 24/7 you will miss out on some of their firsts - my PFB is 6 months old and I missed out on his first roll the other day because I was making dinner - my husband was there though and it was lovely for him. Similarly my husband missed his first food because he was at work. I know this isn't really the point though!

Deffo-very good post.

victrix nanny and pardon infinitely more worrying than banana. We had the same experience and I worry that my child is deeply scarred

I would be absolutely furious if anyone did this. Partly because I made the decision that based on available evidence I didn't want my child to have solids until as near six months as possible and partly as it is complete undermining of your parenting and if they will do so on this, what else? Oh, we didn't use car seats in my day, I thought we'd be fine as we were just popping to the shop with him on my lap...

Parenting decisions are for the parents to make and it seems like there are plenty of MIL's/DMs who can't accept that they have brought up their children and it is not for them to say how their grandchildren are brought up.

My paternal grandmother interfered in my DMs parenting decisions wheni was a baby. My DM lived with. Her and was basically bullied on every little decision, which included giving solids at 6 weeks which in part led to the cessation of breastfeeding. My Mum can never forgive the way my Grandmother treated her and now I am an adult with children of my own I see my Grandmother trying to do similar with my children. It's affected our relationship very badly.

She was quite wrong to do it - I look after my 6 month old DGS sometimes but wouldn't dream of doing anything but following her instructions to the letter. It's her baby, not mine. Amazed people can act that way.

Having said that, it's a big step to sever relations/ never leave him with her again ever. I think you should let her know how upset you were and why, and then give her another chance when the opportunity arises.

As for missing 'firsts', surely this is something you have to accept unless you are with your baby all day every day throughout their entire development t- not likely to ne practicable, or, I'd say, even desirable. I missed very few when I went back to FT work when DS was 7 months but certainly don't feel I was irreparably poorer or the relationship badly affected because of the few I did miss.