Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

Stay on the joint account. Both of you pay 40% of your salary into the joint account.

Joint account used for holidays, eating out, bills.

Each have their own account for luxuries

Separate account for say 5% of each salary into a savings account

Nick I stated there are no signs the DH is FA.

You said there are two. That answer means you do think he is FA.

Ahh I get ya little

I'm not sure I have used the term "financial abuse" anywhere on this thread.

I've only looked on this page and you used it at 15.35.

I can't be arsed to look any further as you appear to be reading a different thread to the rest of us

No I didn't Dotty. Quote where I said that please?

Boney asked me where I had seen that the DH brought up finances in rows because she could only see one time. I replied I could see two times.

You're wrong and are frustrated by the fact that YOU have misunderstood.

You said it 15.35.

No I didn't.

I said that after more information I did not push a financially abusive agenda. At no point on this thread have I called the DH "financially abusive".

You're wrong as are a couple of other posters which makes me wonder exactly WHO is reading a different thread from everyone else.

Ok so when I asked for signs from you of FA.

And underneath you replied there are two.

You were actually replying to Boney's post which was 3 posts befor mine?

I am not frustrated and from how I read it, it appears like you ere replying to me.

That still does not take away from the fact that you have called the DH a twat and pushed the fact that he I at fault.

You all seem more invested in this than I am

And considering my past attitude to investing that's probably not a shock

DH & I have decided to keep our joint account and for me to manage my own salary and account with now agreed upon bills and responsibilities for my part.
I will be going through our accounts and getting a better understanding over the next few weeks.
We will revisit in 3 months to identify any issues.
I've also asked DH to assess his disposable income to ensure I don't have more.

yes I know, but with 3 dc in private school, there just isn't as much as you may think.

I give up.

You said you hadn't used the term but you quite clearly have- you even quoted yourself saying it!

You are insistent that he is to blame, even if only in part, when you have absolutely no proof of that and when the OP has admitted she was being unreasonable.

I don't really understand what you are trying to achieve- the OP has a plan?

Sounds positive and productive OP

I think there is such a difference in what you earn you'll never be able to sort this out. But one way to do it would be to count your take home pay as a percentage of what he takes home and work that out as as percentage of the bills. So if for e.g. you take home a 7th of what he does then suggest you pay a 7th of the bills.

Either that or offer an amount like he suggested because I really do suspect you are on very unstable ground here given the disparity in your earnings. Perhaps you dont even realise that you can't do all what you want to do on 1700 a month when he earns what he does.

As for 400 pounds spending money - its not a lot in the grand scheme of things anyway, next to nothing when a figure like 150,000 is mentioned, and I think you will only ever feel like his poor relation rather than the independent woman you think you would be.

ah 3 kids in private school wouldn't leave much change to play with.

Pretty perfect outcome there OP

is at fault

My typing's gone all to cock

He's calling her bluff.

I dunno..I think he probably thinks she should go it 'alone' for a while, so she would be aware of exactly WHAT she is spending & how easily she will spend & get into strife.

My hubby earns a bit more than yours and I earn roughly the same as you. So similar income bracket to yours.

Our money has always been pooled. We take away the cost of bills and family purchases for each month and then split the money in half. Our view is that we are a team.

My DH hasn't been funny about my spending as long I didn't go completely nuts and leave us short. But if he was, I'd remind him of the cost of childcare.

I thnk op just wants to make a token payment towards the bills and keep her wage to herself.

I think she is being selfish.

I think she would still spend all her money and go cap in hand even if she didn't gave anything towards the bills.

If she is makng the family account over drawn she will do it with her own then cry poverty and back out of the small amount she has to contribute.

Ps. I previously didn't work!

Not frustrated? You wrote that your were figuratively banging your head against a wall, usually a sign of "frustration"

I don't think he's entirely to blame but he does bear some of it, think I've said that a few times now. I have concluded this ONLY from the info given. Only the OP will ever really know, once she's fully informed.

I have already explained the words financially abusive again, it seems to be falling on entirely deaf ears. So I won't try again.

OP that sounds really hopeful, I hope it all works out for you and you enjoy your new job .

Pretty nasty comments there softly, especially considering the OP's later posts which you clearly haven't read

When your new job start ami?

The only way to stop him moaning at you is to agree an amount of spending money (and what it should cover). Then stay inside that amount.

If you want to go back to work then do. But pay your salary into the joint account just like he does. Agree a monthly amount of spending money for each of you, and transfer that to your individual accounts to spend as you each wish.

Problem solved. You each spend up to but no more than an agreed amount, and you each can't see what the other has spent because it comes from your individual account.

If he's earning £150k per year then you are very unlikely to be able to become financially independent with the same spending power as him. Basically because you either didn't have an equal career in the first place or because you've taken years out of the workplace to raise children. You are no longer two independent individuals because you jointly sacrificed one career to have joint children.

I hope you can reach some compromise and agreement with your DH :)

2 weeks SM, I'm very nervous but excited!

He isn't moaning but he has legitimate reason to.ami has unrestricted access to his salary
And she spends it,and doesn't actually know how much she's spending of his money