Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

Enlighten me Nick

What are the two signs that her DH is financially abusive?

Also the OP has not blindly accepted it's all her fault at all. She has stated it is possible her over spending has contributed to the over draft.

I just don't understand your incessant need to hold the DH responsible when the OP herself has stated she has continued to take the money but never really cared where it came from or where it was going.

Miaow!

I don't get your insistence that it has to be someone's 'fault'

The DH has been providing all the household income, the OP has no idea how much of that she spends and they are ending up overdrawn.

Those are the facts.

No one has mentioned who is to blame?

You all seem FAR more invested in forcing me to agree with YOU than vice versa tbh

Not at all. The OP herself said he is not financially abusing/controlling her. Yet you are still harping on

Oh, and I realised you weren't addressing me but I still wondered what you mean by 'I can see two'

Signs he is financially abusive? Where?

dotty I'm getting a bit concerned we are actually having a subliminal meeting of minds here!

I am more concerned this is a weird reversal on the other thread where we couldn't agree on anything!

The joy of MN eh?

I have repeatedly said that without being fully informed of their financial status it can not be certain who is entirely responsible for the overdraft here. I stand by that.

In my later posts (after more information) I do not push the "financially abusive" agenda, and actually I don't think I said that earlier either I said "controlling" I think but I am happy to be corrected.

I personally do that not that a person who brings finances up as a problem in arguments and who is unwilling to have real discussions about them (both of which the OP has said) is entirely blameless.

I think the OP was at fault at the beginning, she should have kept herself informed but she is trying to change now and the DH needs to accept that and move forward with it rather than label her greedy and demand the majority of her salary without the full and open discussion as to why. OP is so clueless about money and household expenses that she wants to take herself off the joint account in order to force herself to learn about them. He wants her to do that, why? Why not meet her half way and both move forward together?

I don't think it's entirely DH's fault but I do think he has some responsibilities here and I am pointing those out. He's not blameless.

I think that's an accurate summary of my posts but would be happy to address any points that you may find that I have not done in this post.

I think that's an accurate summary of my posts but would be happy to address any points that you may find that I have not done in this post.

Could you explain what 'I can see two' meant?

He claims to much...maybe so

So you admit that you spent too much of the family money while he was working, and now you want to have even more to yourself.

It sounds very 'what's yours is mine, what's mine is mine' op.

boney said she saw one post from the OP where she said her DH brings up finances in arguments. I saw two.

Wait a minute her DH called her greedy because she wanted to keep the majority of her earnings to herself. She still at that point had no interest in the family finances. That only came later in this thread.

I asked you for signs where DH was being FA and you replied there are two.

So where are they?

.

Ah - thanks.

Bringing it up in an argument does not mean he is FA. It could mean his wife's spending is out of control and he is stressed at being the only wage earner.

No I didn't at all. You are incorrect. Read my last post.

FGS I am not going to keep arguing with you about things I am not actually saying. Too tedious.

To be fair though, if she's spending outside of what they can afford and he is annoyed and arguing about it, that's not financial abuse.

I think the husband saying she should come off the joint account is because he's calling her bluff.

The OP had a half baked plan, then thought strangers on the internet could tell he how much of her salary to keep on the basis of no information about their financial commitments, and still hasn't worked out that she could figure out the bills by looking at bank statements and then discuss with her husband.

I have looked again and can only see the one and that was when they where actually discussing finances.

DottyDooRidesAgain Sun 06-Jul-14 15:17:52

Good God Nick will you only be satisfied if everyone agrees that he is financially abusive! hmm

The OP herself has stated he isn't.

He shows no signs of restricting her financially.

NickiFury Sun 06-Jul-14 15:20:15

I can see two. Have another look.

I think the husband saying she should come off the joint account is because he's calling her bluff.

The DH didn't say that. That was the OP who wants to come off he joint account.

But you did say that really- you think bringing up money in an argument consistitutes FA and the OP has mentioned that twice so it follows he is financially abusing her.....

Does the fact the OP has admitted she needs to make changes and has specifically stated that he is not financially abusive mean nothing to you?

I'm not sure I have used the term "financial abuse" anywhere on this thread.

I want to contribute as I should, I also want to stop being criticised by dh about money. If I have my own and am not spending any of his then surely it will become a mute issue.......

Except when you overspend & go overdrawn & ask dh to bail you out with what you refer to as "his money"

It was originally the OP who said she wanted to come off the account. Then when she'd thought about and changed her mind he said he agreed that she should. He's calling her bluff.