Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

How on earth can you think the OP isn't at fault when she's openly admitted she's no idea how much she spends?

I'm guessing you'd be able to state, virtually to the penny, what you'd spent (as would I) but the fact the OP can't even guesstimate it, is the source of the problem here.

If she knew she only withdrew say £100 a week there would be no issue, but it could be massively more than this so she is at fault, but has admitted it and has a plan.

OP, the £100-£200 a week, is that just cash? With the remainder going on credit cards.

When you say bits and pieces of food shopping, is the main shop going on a credit/debit card

How many clothes, lunches etc go on the debit/credit card? It's incredibly easy to spend a lot on plastic without thinking about it

The pros of plastic spending is that it will be easier for you to work out what you're spending whereas cash can just disappear.

I overspent massively when I was younger and the only way I stopped was to start spreadsheets of monthly bills, loan repayments etc and work out what I had left. Working out where my cash had previously gone was horrifu

Horrifying.

Ami

repeating what others have posted,

well done, I hope that all of this works out for you.

I can see your point of view.
You are spending what you need to spend on DCs £500 for lessons, £500 for other stuff and about £800 max for yourself a month which should be entirely possible and easy to find with a salary of £150k. Your dh is complaining that you spend too much and the joint account is going into overdraft which indicates that he is not putting enough in the joint account and keeping back a lot for his own spending.
What you really need is for your dh to stop criticising for you spending too much!! Are you really over spending? £200 a week on yourself when he earns £150k a year is not over spending in my book!!
If you think you are happy with £800 a month just for you then agree to keep that as your spends in your own account each month. Put the other £900 you earn in the joint account to contribute towards the bills. Agree with dh what constitutes family expenses such as groceries, swimming lessons, new school shoes, haircuts for kids, school trips, etc and make sure these all get paid from the joint account still (it will be no good if you end up having to pay these out of your own money or you'll be in the same position you are now!!)
Then he can't grumble at what comes out the joint account as it will be pre agreed family stuff and your money is yours to spend as you wish without him moaning.

RTFT hellokittycat

Good stuff .

Money and bills are tedious beyond measure but it's best to be informed. Have a chat with him about approaching you properly if he's worried about money rather than using it in arguments.

HelloKitty you have now idea what the OP's mortgage payments, school fee payments (?) are. Fair play, neither does the OP.

Pretty much half the DH's salary will go in tax and NI. The remainder about £7k could be largely spoken for by bills. In that case £800 could be too much. This may not be the case, £800 may be easily affordable but no one actually knows this.

Sorry not read all the posts but would just like to point out that the fair formula is...

EQUAL FREE SPEND (and equal free time)

So, if he's earning 150k and you're earning 25k, that's 175k coming in. Work out what's going out, add something for savings, then split what's left over into personal accounts...

Anything less is financial abuse imho. The 175k is not really his, any more than the 25k is really yours. Both are contributions to be shared by your family.

It's good to know financial conflict never goes away no matter how much you earn

Utter rot,spend your own salary,don't expect a cut if your partners.your proposal is lol daft

I did! :-) ok I missed the last post from op as I was typing saying that she may have under estimated amount spent per month but apart from that my feelings are still the same tbh.
My dh also has a good salary and I sah with our young children so am in a very similar position. I spend a hell of a lot more than £800 per month of our money. Every now and then dh or I say 'we had a bit of a mad month last month lets reign it in a bit for a month or two' and we BOTH keep our spending in check for a bit to even it out. I'd be fuming if it all got blamed on me over spending. Especially as the majority of my spending goes on the kids. Swimming lessons, various activities, groceries, petrol etc.
maybe I'm projecting here but it doesn't seem as though the op dh is very open about their money situation and there is no mention of him cutting back on spending only that op should. I feel wary of such a situation when there should be plenty of money for them both

And yes you're right. I don't know how much mortgage or school fees are etx. I'm just thinking of my own situation and we can afford more spending money month to month but we don't have school fees or big holidays etc so could be completely different.
Good idea to get to know the finances, all outgoings etc to have a good idea of what you can afford to spend each.

hellokitty I don't get the impression that the DH isn't open about their money situation- rather the OP just hasn't previously been interested in it.

She hasn't said he has expensive hobbies or spends a lot so there doesn't seem to be a need for him to cut back. He probably spends less than she does already.

£150k is a lot to earn but they'll have built a lifestyle around this income (as I'm guessing you will have) there probably isn't a great deal left over each month.

The OP had been insisting she wanted independence and her husband thinks it is a good idea to show her how much she's spending- I'm not sure that's worthy of being wary of- unless he makes her struggle on her own income by insisting she pays the £1300 originally suggested.

"He probably spends less than she does already". How can you possibly know this? Even this mans wife doesn't know this!

NickiFury
"Have a chat with him about approaching you properly if he's worried about money rather than using it in arguments.*

I can't see where you get that from. I can only see one reference to "blowing up" in an argument, all other references are about the DH "moaning" that she is overspending, nothing (I can see) about the context of when it was said.

Good God Nick will you only be satisfied if everyone agrees that he is financially abusive!

The OP herself has stated he isn't.

He shows no signs of restricting her financially.

He gives her free access to the account and she has admitted she over spends/spends what she likes.

Go beat your drum somewhere else.

"He probably spends less than she does already". How can you possibly know this? Even this mans wife doesn't know this!

I don't which is why I said 'probably'.

The mans wife doesn't know this as she has know idea what she spends, let alone what he spends!

In my experience, men tend to spend less on general stuff than women and if he earns £150k his work life probably means he doesn't have loads of spare time to spend money on himself anyway.

I can see two. Have another look.

I don't want anyone to agree with me at all. I just don't think the OP should blindly accept it's all her fault without reading statements and being fully informed.

I am afraid I will never change my stance on that.

And I will post wherever I like.

Go beat your drum somewhere else.

You all seem FAR more invested in forcing me to agree with YOU than vice versa tbh.

You're easily pleased bear.

I can see two

Two what?

Simple soul, me.

I wasn't addressing you.

And yes, you certainly seem to be.