Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

At the moment the only person who knows for a fact how the OP's spending is impacting on family finances is the OP's DH. I am not sure why the OP should he taking his word for that when he doesn't seem interested in having a proper conversation about it. Clearly she is taking steps to find her feet financially and that's great but I think that she needs to insist on seeing statements and being clued into family finances. Only then will she know if her spending is the problem here.

Plans are good. I like a good plan me

Just remember DH has been the carer of the finances for 15 years so it won't be an easy thing to hand over, folk become precious over stuff.

Good luck OP.

Ami - that's great.

And well done. In all of this we've missed the important thing, that you have a new job, after a 15 year gap, that will leave you with 1700 after tax. That's brilliant! Well done.

Look OP - refuse to do anything until you have sat down together and gone through the last 6 months worth of spending. If he won't then you need to be suspicious of his motives here. Any husband wanting to sort this out would be happy to sit down and work it out as a team.

I think we've established the op considers her spending has been problematic
However they have a plan,ami will take initiative,and live within her means
All on track by sound of it

He's probably just annoyed that she's blythely spent money without paying attention to the finances even though he's encouraged her to pay attention in the past. So it's all been left up to him for 15 years. Now she's got a job she's wants her idea of 'independence' which turned out not to be very well thought out. I can see how that would be annoying from his pov.

Nicki, I think the op should have an idea what she is spending. You are making it sound like it's perfectly acceptable that she doesn't know what she is spending!

You just want it to be all the husbands fault, don't you?

And well done, OP for starting to get to grips with it all.

Stick with your plan OP.

Remember that if you truly want this it is your responsibility to push for it.

genders were reversed and man spending female salary we'd have heard cocklodger By now

^This.

Not if he looked after all the DC and enabled the female to earn a brilliant salary, Scottish.

The cocklodgers are the ones who want to spend the money and NOT do anything to look after the family either.

I'm very excited!

Definately ready - it's a new phase in life for us all, I know it's going to take an adjustment - on everyone's part,

But frankly, it's long overdue !!

No. I just personally don't blindly believe what people tell me when it's important, I like to be informed. And I struggle to believe that on a £150k salary the OP's stated spending is the issue combined with her DH not wishing to have an open convo about family finances unless it's how much she's going to put in. She's needs more information before accepts that it's all her fault. I am surprised that others do not think so tbh.

Hayday

Not from some of the threads in the last couple of months.

Boney - I ignore those ones. They annoy me!

Yes it a very exciting new phase,understandably you're excited.well done
Are you returning to an area you have experience in,or is it new endeavour?

And I struggle to believe that on a £150k salary the OP's stated spending is the issue

Give it up nicki the OP has admitted she really doesn't know if what she said she spends is correct.

I think waffly summed it up well above- for 15 years he's had to manage everything and now he's reluctant to involve her (particularly when she'd previously been insisting she wanted separate finances anyway)- that doesn't make him the bad guy.

So without knowing what the OP's out goings are, (personal, family, husbands, bills etc.) you believe that he must be lying?

Exactly she doesn't know. After an open and frank discussion and examination of statements she will won't she? She'll know for sure if it's her fault. Personally I don't accept responsibility for things unless I know for sure I am at fault.

I think even without knowing the exact figures, you would have a good idea if you were overspending unless you kept your eyes shut at the till and hummed when they asked for the money.

You may like being informed but for 15 years she hasn't and I think the op's husband can be forgiven for getting a bit ratty when they are in the overdraft yet again.

I earn about twice what my husband earns. The way we work out contributions to household expenses is on a percentage basis - we work out our total post tax income per month (I'm a higher rate tax payer, he's not) and then our own percentage contribution to that total. We are then responsible for that percentage of the household bills (mortgage, holidays, gas, electric, food, etc). Everything else that's 'personal' expenditure we pay out of our own residual income. We find this the fairest way. If I'd married a guy with a higher salary, my relative contribution would be less and I'd have more left for me at the end of the month - but I wouldn't be married to the man I love. I know what gives me most happiness. I don't think it's fair to expect a 50/50 share of bills given the disparity in your incomes so I think some sort of compromise has to be reached.

He's not lying---I'm underestimating, he's not financially controlling.

But if he is, I'll find out and I promise that I will come back and tell you all about it.

It is a completely new & slightly terrifying endeavour.

New endeavour how exciting!clearly you're the candidate they wanted

Christ the op is agreeing that she is overspending and admits that but Nicki is insistent she isn't lol!

Fair play, op with taking everything on board.