AIBU to think they should have let DD keep the sodding toy?

[captainbarnaclesismyboyfriend]

DD is 4. I have been separated from her arrogant manchild father for 2 years. Lots of backstory: his family is incredibly dysfunctional, very toxic mother who smothers her adult children, my ex as a result was extremely difficult to live with, behaviour bordering on EA. He dips in and out of DD's life, leaving havoc in his wake. I'm not perfect but I do think I have tried my absolute best to facilitate contact with ex and his family, often to the detriment of my own plans/happiness.

Ex lives with his parents and his 2 adult siblings. About 4-5 months ago, DD came back from the house with a small cuddly cat toy. She said ex had given it to her. I was pleased at this: he never buys her anything, in fact I used to have to buy DD birthday/Christmas presents 'from him' until I got a grip. I still have to send packed lunches to his house when she visits

DD is very attached to this toy. She sleeps with it every night and takes it everywhere with her. She makes a lot of the fact that 'her Daddy got her it and it's her favourite toy in the world'

DD sees ex on average once a month, or every 6 weeks. Yesterday she spent the afternoon with ex and his family. When he dropped her home, she was sobbing- really hysterical, heartbroken sobs. I naturally asked ex what was wrong. He informed me that his sister (aged 25) had decided to take 'her' cat toy back from DD. This was news to me. Nobody had ever mentioned the cat toy was anything other than a gift bought for DD by my ex.

Apparently it was in fact a birthday present from the sister's friend when she was 18 or so. The sister had 'lent' it to DD to play with, but apparently DD was not supposed to take it home and keep it. Yesterday the sister spotted DD with it. and decided she wanted the toy back. So she took it from DD who naturally had a complete meltdown

I was very short with my ex and said 'for god's sake, she is 25, could she not just let the poor child keep the toy, your sister hasn't missed it in months'

Ex just shrugged and said 'but it is HER (sister's) toy. It was never DD's.'

DD sobbed and howled until bedtime, then she woke sobbing in the middle of the night saying she missed her cat. I wanted to tear ex and his whole family apart. I have rarely seen my DD so inconsolable

I told my lovely, lovely friend all about it, and bless her, this morning she drove 30 miles to her parent's house to get the toy lamb that she has had from she was DD's age. She came straight to my house afterwards, and gave DD the lamb, along with a note asking her to take adopt it, as Woolly has been alone in the attic for ages, with no little girl to cuddle. This seems to have worked quite well (friend was given bottle of wine and cake for her troubles) but I am still spitting with rage. I can't believe ex and his family. This is just another example of how they don't give a damn about DD and her feelings, they don't even see her as a child who needs nurtured and occasionally indulged.

Sorry for the rant. Am I BU and overreacting? I know it's possible the toy cat had a lot of sentimental value for exSIL but honestly I doubt it. It's not a particularly special/unusual toy (one of those you get in Toys R Us with the sort of red tags hanging from their ear?) and she doesn't even speak to the friend who gave her it!

ApocalypseThen I see many many posters calling the dad a twat

I just think it's unbelievably unbalanced. The SIL has effectively had something of hers stolen and given to the child, yet she's the baddie?

In regards to primark I think the posts directed at her were due to her calling an upset 4 yo spoilt and saying she helped herself to someone else's belonging which is completely untrue.

Again, people didn't like how she interpreted events. But there's post after post calling her all sorts. All she did was express an opinion. She isn't doing anything, really.

Reading the thread in one go, the overall impression is that the SIL is the most guilty, followed by primarkprincess, with good old dad dragging several furlongs behind.

CaptainBarnaclesIsMyBoyfriend

"....she is not allowed in the kitchen because that is where the dogs live."

I hope she doesn't eat much there. I'd never eat in a house where dogs are kept in the kitchen.

FFS.
In ordinary cirumstances I would agree that a child needs to learn that something is not theirs just because they want it.

I visit children every day with my toys and have to leave and take them with me. They often think they can keep them but we find ways to help them understand.

These are not ordinary circumstance are they?

The dad is slack, the aunt is immature and selfish, the child thought the toy was hers and that she had last been given something by her dad. Something to show he actually thought of her occasionally.

Why are people behaving as if this was a kid bringing home a teddy from a friend's house and pretending its their's.

Bored are we?

The cat was an 18th birthday gift but even if it was not, she was fine to keep it.

Also your DD is 4 and should be able to understand the concept of giving borrowed things back. She's not 2 and a toddler. She cant just take things that belong to others. You could have easily have bought her an identical cat yourself if she was that keen on it.

God some people are v literal in their views of what's right

Tbh for me this was a 4yo child in their care who came home hysterical and inconsolable with no apparent effort having been made to calm her down. They were supposed to be caring for her.

Yes the 25yo should have let the 4YO have the toy. Fgs I've seen people make 4yo hand over toys.

But whatever the rights and wrongs I'd be v reluctant to hand my child back over to people who have no apparent interest in her emotional well being.

It's quite shocking really to be so callous towards a child.

yanbu hope your daughter is feeling better. I think you should get stupid ex to buy her a toy as it seemed to mean a lot that it came from her dad.

The SIL has effectively had something of hers stolen and given to the child, yet she's the baddie?

It wasn't stolen FGS the twat father gave it to his DD.

Primark did not only make an opinion she had a not so sly dig at a 4yo.

I think your DD sounds a bit spoilt tbh; helping herself to something that belongs to someone else, and then screaming and crying for hours when she couldn't have her own way. At 4 she is old enough to understand that she can't just take things that don't belong to her.

^This is bollocks. The DD didn't take it, it was given to her. The DD had that toy for 5 months and had grown attached. I don't think it is unreasonable for her to be upset when it is taken away from her.
How can you see an opinion in that when it is full of non truths? As I said she posted just to have a dig and I am pleased she was called on it.

Yes the Ex is crap (and you need to tell him how to improve) but I don't think you you can expect to keep his daughters stuff.

he shouldn't have caused the situation in the first place.

OP can you clarify who gave the toy to your DD.I read it as though your SIL lent DD the toy to play with and your DD brought it home and said it was a gift from her father.Other posters ae clearly interpreting it differently ie the father took it from his sister and gifted it to your girl.Please could you clarify , because they are completely different scenarios

It wasn't stolen FGS the twat father gave it to his DD.

Which he effectively stole from his sister. And I did read the thread, but thanks for the selected quotes. I still don't think that primarkprincess deserves to be the villain in all this. I still blame the dad.

And so does everyone else.

Your right the twat father did steal it but why should the DD be blamed/punished for it.

Primark is not the villain in all this. She was called because all her comment was about was having a dig at the DD ad nothing more,

YANBU

But I think soft toys are for children and find adults who are still attached to soft toys a bit odd - unresolved childhood issues, anyone.

Could you buy a replacement?

Your sil sound immature.

Your very first line describes your ex as an arrogant man child and his family as disfuctional.

I wouldn't put it past this sort of person to deliberately give away someone elses stuff (his sisters) without her knowledge.

Maybe as an adult she should have let you child keep it but if she wasn't involved into the giving or knew about it I can see why she made a point to your ex.

Unfortunately as usual it is the child that suffers not the arrogant smug arsehole. No loss for him, sister looks like a cow and you are left picking up a distraught child.

Oh yeah and dad is a fuckwit obvs

I replaced a very important lost elephant. Thank you EBay. Dd a little suspicious of how clean it was - I said if washed it

Maybe as an adult she should have let you child keep it but if she wasn't involved into the giving or knew about it I can see why she made a point to your ex.

We also don't know what else goes missing.

If the sil was that attached to a stuffed toy she'd have notice it was missing earlier. The child had been taking it with her to her dad's for months so she could have asked for it back much sooner.

I reckon she's taken it back because she's had a spat with her brother. Why wait 5 months? That or she likes to upset small children.

The sil is a twat. The father is a bigger twat.

Princessprimark has had a hard time because she called a small, upset child a spoilt brat and that is fair enough.

Could it be that the SiL didn't know that it was missing until she saw it with the OP's DC on the last visit. If so, the SiL wouldn't know that the DC had had it for so long. So didn't realise how attached the child was to it.

I know it's possible the toy cat had a lot of sentimental value for exSIL but honestly I doubt it.

Why do you doubt it? It was an 18th birthday present, might have had sentimental value.

It wasn't your daughters to keep in the first place, SIL had every right to take it back. BUT it would have been nice if your ex could have spoken to you about getting dd to part with it next time, so you could slowly 'wean' her off it.

It was an 18th birthday present from someone the sil is no longer speaking to - that says volumes.

Both the ex and his sister sound ghastly and immature. What 25-year old woman has an emotional attachment to a cuddly toy, ffs? Time she grew up. How very unfortunate for both the OP and her DD that they have to have anything to do with this appalling family.

Thank you to everyone who has offered to send their own much loved toys to DD. It is so, so kind of you, it really is. However as she has Woolly, I think it's best I leave it at that: I don't want to make any more of the situation or string it on for longer, if that makes sense? But thank you all so much, I am so touched by your generosity ((hugs))

For those who have said that SIL is getting the blame when she shouldn't, that is probably my fault. I said in my first post that I was so angry with ex and his whole family, posters have quite rightly pointed out that the only one to blame her is ex. However in my defence, the dynamic of ex's family is such that I do tend to lump them all in together. They tend to make most decisions as a family, from jobs to buying cars, and all interfered terribly in our relationship when we were together. From what I have observed through the years, partners of the children are seen as interlopers and made to feel rather unwelcome. The more I think about it, the more I feel that they probably view DD as an interloper as well, as she is not under the control of the family. Honestly, I could go on and give examples of how weird they are, but it would probably out me.

One example is when DD was born, there was a big thing made out of exSILs lack of jealousy of newborn DD. Lots of whispered asides, and knowing nods, 'isn't SIL doing so well, she adores -ex's name- I thought she'd find it harder' etc etc. She was about 21 at the time. On saying that, exSIL is probably the best of them, in that she is quiet and not as outwardly arrogant as the rest of the family, however in my opinion she has been rather stunted by her smothering mother.

As for the ins and outs of how the toy was given to DD, I only know what my ex said, that his sister lent the toy to DD. He could well have given it to her without asking exSIL, or exSIL could well have lent it.