AIBU to think they should have let DD keep the sodding toy?

[captainbarnaclesismyboyfriend]

DD is 4. I have been separated from her arrogant manchild father for 2 years. Lots of backstory: his family is incredibly dysfunctional, very toxic mother who smothers her adult children, my ex as a result was extremely difficult to live with, behaviour bordering on EA. He dips in and out of DD's life, leaving havoc in his wake. I'm not perfect but I do think I have tried my absolute best to facilitate contact with ex and his family, often to the detriment of my own plans/happiness.

Ex lives with his parents and his 2 adult siblings. About 4-5 months ago, DD came back from the house with a small cuddly cat toy. She said ex had given it to her. I was pleased at this: he never buys her anything, in fact I used to have to buy DD birthday/Christmas presents 'from him' until I got a grip. I still have to send packed lunches to his house when she visits

DD is very attached to this toy. She sleeps with it every night and takes it everywhere with her. She makes a lot of the fact that 'her Daddy got her it and it's her favourite toy in the world'

DD sees ex on average once a month, or every 6 weeks. Yesterday she spent the afternoon with ex and his family. When he dropped her home, she was sobbing- really hysterical, heartbroken sobs. I naturally asked ex what was wrong. He informed me that his sister (aged 25) had decided to take 'her' cat toy back from DD. This was news to me. Nobody had ever mentioned the cat toy was anything other than a gift bought for DD by my ex.

Apparently it was in fact a birthday present from the sister's friend when she was 18 or so. The sister had 'lent' it to DD to play with, but apparently DD was not supposed to take it home and keep it. Yesterday the sister spotted DD with it. and decided she wanted the toy back. So she took it from DD who naturally had a complete meltdown

I was very short with my ex and said 'for god's sake, she is 25, could she not just let the poor child keep the toy, your sister hasn't missed it in months'

Ex just shrugged and said 'but it is HER (sister's) toy. It was never DD's.'

DD sobbed and howled until bedtime, then she woke sobbing in the middle of the night saying she missed her cat. I wanted to tear ex and his whole family apart. I have rarely seen my DD so inconsolable

I told my lovely, lovely friend all about it, and bless her, this morning she drove 30 miles to her parent's house to get the toy lamb that she has had from she was DD's age. She came straight to my house afterwards, and gave DD the lamb, along with a note asking her to take adopt it, as Woolly has been alone in the attic for ages, with no little girl to cuddle. This seems to have worked quite well (friend was given bottle of wine and cake for her troubles) but I am still spitting with rage. I can't believe ex and his family. This is just another example of how they don't give a damn about DD and her feelings, they don't even see her as a child who needs nurtured and occasionally indulged.

Sorry for the rant. Am I BU and overreacting? I know it's possible the toy cat had a lot of sentimental value for exSIL but honestly I doubt it. It's not a particularly special/unusual toy (one of those you get in Toys R Us with the sort of red tags hanging from their ear?) and she doesn't even speak to the friend who gave her it!

Everyone seems very melodramatic about it, even down to the OP "spitting with rage"

i don't think its melodramatic 2rebecca when you think of the father and his daughter. its heart breathtakingly sad and pathetic and the only decent thing this kid has got was a toy that was snatched back and caused her more misery.

If anyone was melodramatic it was the sil.

all of this could have been handled with a little bit of tact and diplomacy.

so if a child got hold of one of these toys apocalpse you would too sort of snatch it back would you?

I don't know. They're up in a press where, if one of them had one, someone would have gone up to get it for them. So I wouldn't be thrilled about that, frankly.

It would be your choice about what to do and the response of the child.

I know blaming the woman is always the way to go, but it's actually completely the good-for-nothing father's fault. Entirely his fault. I just cannot understand why there's this erasure of his responsibilities towards his child in favour of blaming someone who just wants to keep her own stuff. I genuinely cannot see why that's so evil if her. Why can't that man leave her stuff alone and care for his own child?

Apocalypse once again I'm agreeing with everything you've posted. This however obviously makes me akin to the child eating monster that got Bernard in the end because there is just no reason on earth something would be considered as precious to an adult

But are you really sure he that he didn't nick it and give it to her ?

It would be a bit strange for a 4yo to stand in front of daddy and claim it was from him when it wasn't.

Can you check his story with DSIL, re the original playing with it ?

I DID say that the father was to blame. He was the one who allowed the toy to leave the house and who then took it back, without offering a replacement or seemingly without a thought for the effect on his child who saw the toy as a gift from her Daddy.
I think all of that is a given. I think I'm right in saying that the SIL seems to have lent the toy,mbut am not entirely sure if she gave it and then changed her mind or even had no idea what was going on.

However, again she is the adult in the situation. Again, yes, she could demand the toy back (which she chose to do) seemingly without real consideration of the effect on a small child. It was her right to do that. She wasn't stealing it. However,she did have a CHOICE here. It would have been perfectly possible to be generous and gracious as an adult and to sacrifice the toy, for the happiness of the child. Again, there was nothing to make her choose this self sacrificial option (if you want to see it like this) beyond basic humanity and concern for the child. Just because she might not have created the situation in the first place, it does not absolve her from her role within it. There are times where others have created a problem, but it OUR response which can determine the final outcome. I just see this as one of them, and think most adults would be able to put the child first, even though they do not have to.
It seems many posters here would put themselves first. I just wonder if they are like this about their 'rights' in most areas of life.

I agree with chocolate

chocolate, very well put.

In the end though, the toy is barely relevant except as the catalyst to this situation.

What is really relevant is that the OP's poor daughter was put in a situation that upset her to the point of hysterical sobs, and not one of the fuckers did anything to help stop it.
The SIL, if she was that passionately attached to that particular toy, could have considered offering a replacement but it's not really her job, she's only the child's aunt after all.
The PIL, as grandparents, could have intervened and suggested an alternative or made some attempt to cheer her up, maybe bought her another toy.
The "dad" could have gone and bought another toy to replace the cat she shouldn't have had, instead of which he just chose to take her back to her mother in that state.

So, regardless of the wrongs and rights of the toy cat ownership, what is blatantly obvious is that none of the child's paternal family actually give a flying fuck about her. :(

I'm wondering what this little girl gets kut of a relationship with these people? it seems completely negative. I'd be considering going no contact.

I agree thumb, they don't sound like tgey care. As a result contact should not be initiated anymore. Leave it to deadbeat dad.

I'm totally that you have to send DD with a packed lunch when she goes to visit them ! That is just weird. They sound incredibly disfunctional and stingy.

Thats really sad, your little one obviously cherished the cat because her father gave it to her, could have been any animal but it came from her dad. Maybe dad took it from sister without permission? Maybe that's why sister was adamant she wanted it back? Some people just can't see any further than themselves and she probably had no idea how upsetting her behaviour was. I think my 11 is too old for stuffed animals let alone 25! And before anyone moans of course I let my 11 yr old daughter have stuffed toys, she even has all my old ones!!!

Meh, still think X nicked it and is leading everyone a merry dance.

AKeyFox I think has nailed it. X most likely did take it, otherwise he would have corrected her when she said it was a gift from her father. Aunt noticed and then took it back.

But doesn't make the SIL any less of a cunt. Yes, X put her in the unfair position of being the bad guy. But she should have had X go out and buy a new cat to replace it. Not just taken it away and with no thought to the child's feelings.

If I saw a child that attached to a toy I'd let them have it. Then I'd never let the thieving parent near my stuff again.