AIBU to think they should have let DD keep the sodding toy?

[captainbarnaclesismyboyfriend]

DD is 4. I have been separated from her arrogant manchild father for 2 years. Lots of backstory: his family is incredibly dysfunctional, very toxic mother who smothers her adult children, my ex as a result was extremely difficult to live with, behaviour bordering on EA. He dips in and out of DD's life, leaving havoc in his wake. I'm not perfect but I do think I have tried my absolute best to facilitate contact with ex and his family, often to the detriment of my own plans/happiness.

Ex lives with his parents and his 2 adult siblings. About 4-5 months ago, DD came back from the house with a small cuddly cat toy. She said ex had given it to her. I was pleased at this: he never buys her anything, in fact I used to have to buy DD birthday/Christmas presents 'from him' until I got a grip. I still have to send packed lunches to his house when she visits

DD is very attached to this toy. She sleeps with it every night and takes it everywhere with her. She makes a lot of the fact that 'her Daddy got her it and it's her favourite toy in the world'

DD sees ex on average once a month, or every 6 weeks. Yesterday she spent the afternoon with ex and his family. When he dropped her home, she was sobbing- really hysterical, heartbroken sobs. I naturally asked ex what was wrong. He informed me that his sister (aged 25) had decided to take 'her' cat toy back from DD. This was news to me. Nobody had ever mentioned the cat toy was anything other than a gift bought for DD by my ex.

Apparently it was in fact a birthday present from the sister's friend when she was 18 or so. The sister had 'lent' it to DD to play with, but apparently DD was not supposed to take it home and keep it. Yesterday the sister spotted DD with it. and decided she wanted the toy back. So she took it from DD who naturally had a complete meltdown

I was very short with my ex and said 'for god's sake, she is 25, could she not just let the poor child keep the toy, your sister hasn't missed it in months'

Ex just shrugged and said 'but it is HER (sister's) toy. It was never DD's.'

DD sobbed and howled until bedtime, then she woke sobbing in the middle of the night saying she missed her cat. I wanted to tear ex and his whole family apart. I have rarely seen my DD so inconsolable

I told my lovely, lovely friend all about it, and bless her, this morning she drove 30 miles to her parent's house to get the toy lamb that she has had from she was DD's age. She came straight to my house afterwards, and gave DD the lamb, along with a note asking her to take adopt it, as Woolly has been alone in the attic for ages, with no little girl to cuddle. This seems to have worked quite well (friend was given bottle of wine and cake for her troubles) but I am still spitting with rage. I can't believe ex and his family. This is just another example of how they don't give a damn about DD and her feelings, they don't even see her as a child who needs nurtured and occasionally indulged.

Sorry for the rant. Am I BU and overreacting? I know it's possible the toy cat had a lot of sentimental value for exSIL but honestly I doubt it. It's not a particularly special/unusual toy (one of those you get in Toys R Us with the sort of red tags hanging from their ear?) and she doesn't even speak to the friend who gave her it!

Your DD will be ok. I say this as the mother of a beautiful, intelligent nearly 21 year old who once, when she was about 8 or 9, saved up her pocket money to buy a guitar in the vain hope her useless fucker of a father would give her lessons. She had a purple bunny 'from daddy' that she treasured for a long time.

Over the years we have had tough times and I wish I knew what to tell you to do. I kept going with contact. I think I was right. Despite the heartache, it was DD in the end who made the decision to stop seeing her biological father. I hope that means she doesn't feel like the rejected one, and she harbours no illusions about him.

But go with your instincts. These people are clearly disturbed and there are a lot of them in this weird set-up for a LO to deal with. Change your number of it feels right to you. Start thinking about how you can explain to her about how their behaviour isn't usual/healthy. Build boundaries to protect her.

It will all be ok in the end but you have a long way to go.

Aww poor little girl.

They sound a horrible family.

Aw, poor little girl.

My little brother (14) has a toy racoon, I bought it for when I got my first ever paycheck, he was 4 and they were inseparable from the day I gave it to him, because I bought it, even now it sleeps on his bed (he has stopped taking it to school with him though), I can remember the inconsolable sobs when he thought he had lost it and I can't understand how anyone could do that to a child.

Could you find a similar cat for her Dad to give her? I'd say could her Dad find one but it doesn't sound like he could/would, I know you shouldn't have to but I'm guessing you'd do just bout anything to cheer her up right now.

And can I just say, my DD lost her Daddy who would have done anything to have a moment with her, so it makes my blood boil to read how some people take their children for granted.

, insummer your poor dd. Yes this is a dysfunctional,and toxic set up. Protect your dd, stop facilitating contact, leave it open. Yes your dd will realise what an arse her sad really is!

The family are clearly disturbed because SIL didn't give up something she never wanted to give away? Come on! It's not even that weird a set up. The siblings living there may be adults but it's expensive to live away from home. My sister is still at home at 28 while she saves for a deposit, other sister is living at her boyfriends parents at 25, I left for good at 29, we all have lived away for periods but it's hard to finance it on your own and we all needed to come back and regroup.

Still think ex is a few sandwiches short though...

The only one at fault here is the useless selfish dad.
It's really unfair calling the sil names. She didn't give the toy to the dd the dad. He probably never even told the sil!
You don't even know if she's been looking for it and asking for it!
I'm an adult but i have toys that are very sentimental. I have one that if was given away to a child i would take back. Iv cried into it through breakups, through loss of my pet, through traumas, through my depression and loss of my dad.
Its not strange to find them sentimental.
Tbh think it sounds best that your dd doesn't have contact with the feckless dad as she doesn't seem to get much out of it.

Your poor dd has a bad father from the sounds of things
Lucky she has you and your lovely friend to make up for that x

I meant that family is toxic, op even said they were. They smother the adult chikdren

And be careful not to build her daddy up for her. When you praised the gift to her, it did sound a little like that. My dd's father was forever breaking his word, he did not seem to understand that if you say you will do something you should then make an effort to do it. I used to get excited for her sake when he came to visit her and then I realised that I was making him out to be really important and setting her up for a fall. So I moderated my behaviour and she calmed down too.

Well, I actually collect toys so from that perspective, if my parent or sibling (or anyone really) had given someone (no matter who) one of mine without asking then yes, I would expect it back, depending which one it is and who has it/why it was taken.

The Aunt is entitled to her property back (she may have forgotten about it, doesn't make it any less hers) and the OP's child doesn't need to be allowed to keep it simply because she's a child (doesn't mean the Aunt should be mean about it and we don't know she was, just that the OP's ex said she wanted it back). I understand some people feel like the child should keep it, but it wasn't hers to keep and the Aunt should not be made to go without something of hers simply because others don't believe she should have them. The toy isn't the problem anyway. Not really.

The problem is that in the face of his daughter (her niece, their grandchild) sobbing hysterically, they did nothing to placate her (and they put her in that position in the first place). They could have said "honey that's Aunt X's toy and she needs it back, but I'm going to take you shopping right now and we'll pick one all of your very own okay?" or some such thing but they didn't. They have shown that they don't care about her. That's what bothers me. That he was so blase about it when he dropped her off as well.

So anyway, to answer your OP qn - yes. YABU to expect your child to keep something that isn't hers simply because not having it upsets her. It being a toy and the SIL being 25 are irrelevant. HOWEVER, YANBU to think that they've behaved abhorrently and 1) should never have let her think it was hers; and 2) should have either bought, or given, her a replacement.

She says she was given it but she might not have been. Children don't always tell the truth.

So why did the ex stand and nod and look smug instead of saying something? If a four year old says something and is backed up by an adult who was there at the time do you believe them or not?

OP

I would bet that ex gave the cat to dd without his sister knowing and this is between sis and him, dd is collateral damage.

The dad is a stupid fucker, and his sister should have sucked it up and let her keep it.

I have two childhood toys that I'm embarrassingly attached to, but I wouldn't DREAM of doing that to a 4-year-old child, WTF?! I'd let her keep it and then probably go home and cry myself for a while.

Your friend is a rare diamond.

They sound like a bunch of inbred fuck wits. Pathetic 25 year old woman taking a toy off her niece. Silly Pratt. I am fuming for you. Maybe suggest to her dad that he buy her a toy as that is why your DD must have got so attached to it in the first place as she thought it was from him. I really feel for you girl and YANBU in the slightest who gives a toss if it was the SIL in the first place she needs to grow up. I am so angry for you.

Can I also say to the 'toy collectors' and people with special toys from child hood - that is understandable that you may be upset but this is a 25 year old spoilt little bitch whose mother smothers them all as OP said in original post and basically doesn't know the meaning of sharing. OP I'm up for kicking these peoples door down in the middle of the night to get that cat back just say where and when!

It's interesting that the people attracting the most bile here are women. One, primarkprincess, says things some of you don't agree with, and the reaction is vicious. Similarly, SIL chooses not to let the child keep the toy, and she's attacked as well.

In this context, I gotta say, what about the menz? Dad's really escaping here. But it's not up to his sister to remedy his awful inability to parent. She may not even enjoy her niece coming to stay at her home, we don't know what the situation is. But he's the problem. Not his sister.

apocalypse seriously??

The dad is a total cock, so is the sister. who gives a fuck what the back story is. There DD wanted the toy just give it back to her. Seeing her once every six weeks I hardly think the sister wouldn't like the neice being round her house and if she did she could take her 25 year old arse and take herself out for the day (if she could cope being parted from her teddy that is).

*their

Yes ApocalypseThen , you're right. SIL gets the most hate yet dad's the one who set this whole thing up. We have no idea who the toy was from, we have no idea if SIL even knew how the OPs DD fel about it.

It could well have gone:

Shit-dad can't be bothered to parent his DD and she's bored.
Shit dad raids his siblings room for stuff, finds his sisters toys in a box in her room for safe keeping
shit dad presents said toy to DD and take credit
shit dad basks in the glory and is smug to his ex
SIL doesn't look through her safe keeping boxes for a while, when she does she becomes upset because said toy s from soemone who means a lot to her
MIL finds out and tells shit dad SIL is upset
Said shit dad takes back toy, stating DD 'stole it' to his parents so he looks great and she looks like a little thief- deflecting blame
Gives toy to SIL staing DD wasn' bothered/it wasn't played with etc
MIL and SIL are none the wiser.

It may have been SIl throwing an almighty paddy which, yes, pathetic but that doesn't change who is the cunt here: the dad.

They may be a toxic family, SIL and MIL may be cunts through and through but the person to blame her is the ex. Just the ex. He set this up, he milked it and instead of doing the take back in a nice way, he snatched it back and upset his daughter. He seems to be very irresponsible and does what's best for him- giving DD the toy when he shoulden't, snatching it back so cruelly- yet most people fixate on the SIL!

OP, how is your DD? Are you going to keep him away? He sounds like a piece of work, just like someone I used to know. And it gets worse as they get older, they start to realise. There's nothing more sad then hearing my niece say 'daddy doesn't love me as much as he loves football, does he?'

Seriously. It's not up to the father's sister to make up for his terrible, terrible parenting. He's the reason this happened. Not her. She's entitled to keep her stuff. He should not have such a tenuous and pathetic relationship with his own child that this stupid cat becomes such a powerful and meaningful symbol to her. He is an abusive waste of space.

ApocalypseThen I see many many posters calling the dad a twat and blaming him for allowing DD &OP to believe he had given her the toy.

Yes the SIL has been called too but the general consensus is that it is twat fathers fault.

In regards to primark I think the posts directed at her were due to her calling an upset 4 yo spoilt and saying she helped herself to someone else's belonging which is completely untrue.

Given all that I do not see the point of our post

Juicy why so agressive?

People need to read the thread ffs.

The child DID NOT TAKE IT. She was given it by her father who allowed her to think it was a gift from him.

The aunt did not notice for 5 months.

The father is a waste of space. The aunt could and should have handled this whole thing better.

Stop with contact. Contact that reinforces a child's worthlessness to thri parent is never justified.