AIBU to think they should have let DD keep the sodding toy?

[captainbarnaclesismyboyfriend]

DD is 4. I have been separated from her arrogant manchild father for 2 years. Lots of backstory: his family is incredibly dysfunctional, very toxic mother who smothers her adult children, my ex as a result was extremely difficult to live with, behaviour bordering on EA. He dips in and out of DD's life, leaving havoc in his wake. I'm not perfect but I do think I have tried my absolute best to facilitate contact with ex and his family, often to the detriment of my own plans/happiness.

Ex lives with his parents and his 2 adult siblings. About 4-5 months ago, DD came back from the house with a small cuddly cat toy. She said ex had given it to her. I was pleased at this: he never buys her anything, in fact I used to have to buy DD birthday/Christmas presents 'from him' until I got a grip. I still have to send packed lunches to his house when she visits

DD is very attached to this toy. She sleeps with it every night and takes it everywhere with her. She makes a lot of the fact that 'her Daddy got her it and it's her favourite toy in the world'

DD sees ex on average once a month, or every 6 weeks. Yesterday she spent the afternoon with ex and his family. When he dropped her home, she was sobbing- really hysterical, heartbroken sobs. I naturally asked ex what was wrong. He informed me that his sister (aged 25) had decided to take 'her' cat toy back from DD. This was news to me. Nobody had ever mentioned the cat toy was anything other than a gift bought for DD by my ex.

Apparently it was in fact a birthday present from the sister's friend when she was 18 or so. The sister had 'lent' it to DD to play with, but apparently DD was not supposed to take it home and keep it. Yesterday the sister spotted DD with it. and decided she wanted the toy back. So she took it from DD who naturally had a complete meltdown

I was very short with my ex and said 'for god's sake, she is 25, could she not just let the poor child keep the toy, your sister hasn't missed it in months'

Ex just shrugged and said 'but it is HER (sister's) toy. It was never DD's.'

DD sobbed and howled until bedtime, then she woke sobbing in the middle of the night saying she missed her cat. I wanted to tear ex and his whole family apart. I have rarely seen my DD so inconsolable

I told my lovely, lovely friend all about it, and bless her, this morning she drove 30 miles to her parent's house to get the toy lamb that she has had from she was DD's age. She came straight to my house afterwards, and gave DD the lamb, along with a note asking her to take adopt it, as Woolly has been alone in the attic for ages, with no little girl to cuddle. This seems to have worked quite well (friend was given bottle of wine and cake for her troubles) but I am still spitting with rage. I can't believe ex and his family. This is just another example of how they don't give a damn about DD and her feelings, they don't even see her as a child who needs nurtured and occasionally indulged.

Sorry for the rant. Am I BU and overreacting? I know it's possible the toy cat had a lot of sentimental value for exSIL but honestly I doubt it. It's not a particularly special/unusual toy (one of those you get in Toys R Us with the sort of red tags hanging from their ear?) and she doesn't even speak to the friend who gave her it!

Glad she's got Woolly OP. What are you going to do about the way the ex acts generally? Do you think if you stop initiating, he will back off or will he start getting arsey just to spite?

I'm not sure. I think it could go either way. If I changed my number it would fob him off for a while, and then he probably would get nasty, but I doubt he would care enough to do more than issue a few threats. He probably won't see her now for quite a while, so it gives me time to think about it. On one hand, I think it's not right for me to cut contact when he is DD's dad, and she will eventually find out herself what a twat he is.

On the other hand, when I think about it, things have been getting worse the older she gets. Even though he only sees her about once a month, at least a week of that involves me trying to text him to confirm times (he is deliberately obstructive and generally awful when trying to confirm contact plans) and my anxiety tends to get worse because of it, and I'm on edge constantly. All that is not good for DD and she doesn't get much out of seeing him.

I have a lot to think about.

There is something very strange about all those grown-up children still living with their parents. They're all enabling each other's dysfunctional personalities - it puts me in mind of the Starkadders.

Do any of them work? How do they function when placed in an environment with normal people?

I think in the OP's situation I might be trying to find legal channels to block contact. But that's easy for me to say.

I leant a doll to a friend's child who played with it while at my house and took it home, even though I asked her not to, my friend said 'I'll sneak it away from her later.'

I had to ask 3x for it. It was my doll that my late grandmother gave me as a child,I wanted it back to pass on to my future grandchildren if I ever have any.

Be angry at your ex not the sister.

Op they sound very toxic, and probably view her as an outsider. Don't initiate contact, leave it up to him. Better no fathe r than one which is bad and let's the child down time and time again. He has to take responsibility, so leave it to him to initiate contact. Next time give him hell about the toy, he should gave taken her to buy another one, not deliver her to you hysterical and let you pick up the pieces. Unforgivable.

Don't keep,exposing her to this. Let him do all the running.

I don't think it's weird that an adult would be attached to a toy but I find it crackers that she'd expect a four-year-old to understand the concept of borrowing things and returning them.

We all have to learn it, but more fool me if I tried to teach it with something I was emotionally attached to. In that case I'd have the grace to let the child keep it. I'd brood on it forever more though.

I have many things that a four year old would like. I hide away the ones I don't want to lose because I don't want to make small children cry either.

BTW, my dad, who was otherwise lovely, used to give my things away. It was a combination of wanting to be liked, anything for a quiet life and getting rid of what he regarded as clutter.

He once gave my favourite book to the school library without telling me. I found it and tried to take it away only to be accused of theft by a teacher. I pointed out that my name was in it and she accused me of hurriedly writing it in to back up my story. I was seven. I suppose I should be flattered that she thought I was capable of such sophisticated deception.

Anyway, when I met my mother at the school gates in tears, she descended like the wrath of God on that teacher and got the book back.

When my unsuspecting dad got in from work, his life was not worth living. I can't say there weren't one or two more slip-ups but he eventually learned his lesson and only gave away his own stuff.

Lessons I’ve learned about lending and borrowing:

Don’t lend things unless you wouldn’t care if you didn’t get them back.

Don’t borrow things that are too expensive to replace if lost or damaged.

Most importantly, never borrow things that are clearly irreplaceable even if their monetary value is zero. That’s even if the lender is insisting it’s fine, because IME, when the worst happens, it’s not.

That’s not to say that people should steal or abuse the things they’ve been lent. It’s more a lesson in learning the implications of trusting someone with a possession that they might not value as much as you do.

All bets are off if the borrower is four. And her daft aunt expected it back without a fuss. And her deadbeat dad gave her to understand that it belonged to her.

I have literally 6 things from when I was a child. 4 are books and 2 are soft toys. I let the children hold the toys and play with them but they live in my room. They are allowed to read my books once old enough. However if they ruined any of the 6 things I would be hurt because I have nothing else from when I was a child.

I don't think anyone is necessarily to blame.Just a communication mix up.
The sil says the toy has sentimental value and I think that has to be taken at face value.I don't think it is weird.She let the youngster play with it at the house ( I'm guessing because they were struggling to keep her entertained, or she saw it and liked it) Your ex didn't realise it had sentimaental value,thought it was just a bit of old tat and told your DD she could keep it
It is unfortunate for your dd , but I don't see you have any choice but to hand it back to its rightful owner.You just have to explain to your DD that her dad hadn't realised it was special to her aunt.

Absolutely, limited.

Yes dd awful father is to blame mainly. If he got her things in the first place none of this would happen, as she would have her own toys from dad to remember him by, not him passing off something that is not his to her.

I can't believe that is the behaviour of a 25 year old woman. She sounds like a spiteful arsehole. If I were you I'd be considering sparing your dd all the future heartache and moving away!

It was an 18th birthday present from someone the sil is no longer speaking to - that says volumes.

I have things from people I no longer speak to, they have memories attached to them. Just because I no longer talk to the person who gave me said item, doesn't mean I stop liking/wanting the item.

I can understand an attachment to a toy from childhood. I can understand an attachment to something given by a deceased friend/relative. I can understand an attachment to a special and significant gift.

I can't understand a 25 year old being so attached to a small, stuffed cat, from someone she doesn't even like. In fact she was so attached to this item that she didn't even mention wanting it back for months.

What 25-year old woman has an emotional attachment to a cuddly toy, ffs?

I still have an attachment to a soft toy that I got when I was 5. It is an ugly thing, neither of my girls want it, but I can't seem to part with it.

It was a present my dad bought me for Christmas, a few months before he left.

The only item that my mother [didn't want] didn't bag up & send to him.
The only thing she didn't destroy.
The only soft toy that I managed to save from the jumble sale pile that she had decided to donate, without even asking me. It got to the point that I would hide it before school, this went on for most of my childhood, until I left home at 18.

So yeah, I am 40 & I have an attachment to a soft toy. Because within that is still memories of my dad, and a life that was SO much better while he lived with us.

I make no apologies for it.

There is something very strange about all those grown-up children still living with their parents.

Not really. Have you any idea how expensive it can be to rent/own a property these days! If it is mutually agreeable, there is nothing creepy about adults still living at home.

I dont think I have anything left from when I was a child at all.

If something came up and a niece or nephew took it, I would simply get them something to replace it...and not make a fuss out of it.

There are ways and means to tackle this issue and the way ops ex and ex sil have gone about it - are un forgiveable.

I also am not blessed with a neice or nephew and never will be....so toy v neice or nephew.....

different

so you have an attachment to a toy your father gave you, can you see that ops DD also had attachment to a toy that came from her father/his side of family.

as an adult in a tricky situation ( ie mother and father of neice not together contentious subject) would you bear down on a 4 year for that toy back or do you think you would use a little tact and diplomacy...that all your 25 years may have given you and simply gone about getting your toy back without upsetting the 4 year old.

Also, thinking how disorded their family life is, maybe SIL rarely feels appreciated? Therefore a present from a friend on a significant birthday is, for her, extra special. We all keep things for sentimental value. Her lack of empathy with her niece is a worry too. She sounds quite damaged emotionally.

I can't understand a 25 year old being so attached to a small, stuffed cat, from someone she doesn't even like. In fact she was so attached to this item that she didn't even mention wanting it back for month

You see I can understanding her wanting it back...I do not blame her for wanting it back. although yes she could have just left it had she any value on her neices feelings.

however there are a million ways she could have got it back without upsetting ops DD and its this brashness and lack of tact that I find totally disgusting.

Her lack of empathy with her niece is a worry too. She sounds quite damaged emotionally

Y

I wouldnt trust her round the child

True, but equally she could have behaved like an adult and appreciated that her niece would get more enjoyment from it that she would with it sitting on a shelf and never being looked at.

That's horrible, of COURSE they should have let her keep it!