AIBU to think they should have let DD keep the sodding toy?

[captainbarnaclesismyboyfriend]

DD is 4. I have been separated from her arrogant manchild father for 2 years. Lots of backstory: his family is incredibly dysfunctional, very toxic mother who smothers her adult children, my ex as a result was extremely difficult to live with, behaviour bordering on EA. He dips in and out of DD's life, leaving havoc in his wake. I'm not perfect but I do think I have tried my absolute best to facilitate contact with ex and his family, often to the detriment of my own plans/happiness.

Ex lives with his parents and his 2 adult siblings. About 4-5 months ago, DD came back from the house with a small cuddly cat toy. She said ex had given it to her. I was pleased at this: he never buys her anything, in fact I used to have to buy DD birthday/Christmas presents 'from him' until I got a grip. I still have to send packed lunches to his house when she visits

DD is very attached to this toy. She sleeps with it every night and takes it everywhere with her. She makes a lot of the fact that 'her Daddy got her it and it's her favourite toy in the world'

DD sees ex on average once a month, or every 6 weeks. Yesterday she spent the afternoon with ex and his family. When he dropped her home, she was sobbing- really hysterical, heartbroken sobs. I naturally asked ex what was wrong. He informed me that his sister (aged 25) had decided to take 'her' cat toy back from DD. This was news to me. Nobody had ever mentioned the cat toy was anything other than a gift bought for DD by my ex.

Apparently it was in fact a birthday present from the sister's friend when she was 18 or so. The sister had 'lent' it to DD to play with, but apparently DD was not supposed to take it home and keep it. Yesterday the sister spotted DD with it. and decided she wanted the toy back. So she took it from DD who naturally had a complete meltdown

I was very short with my ex and said 'for god's sake, she is 25, could she not just let the poor child keep the toy, your sister hasn't missed it in months'

Ex just shrugged and said 'but it is HER (sister's) toy. It was never DD's.'

DD sobbed and howled until bedtime, then she woke sobbing in the middle of the night saying she missed her cat. I wanted to tear ex and his whole family apart. I have rarely seen my DD so inconsolable

I told my lovely, lovely friend all about it, and bless her, this morning she drove 30 miles to her parent's house to get the toy lamb that she has had from she was DD's age. She came straight to my house afterwards, and gave DD the lamb, along with a note asking her to take adopt it, as Woolly has been alone in the attic for ages, with no little girl to cuddle. This seems to have worked quite well (friend was given bottle of wine and cake for her troubles) but I am still spitting with rage. I can't believe ex and his family. This is just another example of how they don't give a damn about DD and her feelings, they don't even see her as a child who needs nurtured and occasionally indulged.

Sorry for the rant. Am I BU and overreacting? I know it's possible the toy cat had a lot of sentimental value for exSIL but honestly I doubt it. It's not a particularly special/unusual toy (one of those you get in Toys R Us with the sort of red tags hanging from their ear?) and she doesn't even speak to the friend who gave her it!

:(

The only good that has come out of this is you know you have a great friend and they are few and far between.

Honestly, nasty and horrible situation. Never in my life could I understand someone bring so cruel to a little girl over a silly toy, but much loved by your daughter.

And it sounds like you should be pissed off with your ex tbh not his sister

captain, I sincerely hope primarkprincess doesn't have small children! What a miserable existence they must lead if she really believes that it's acceptable to take toys away from them after months then call them spoilt when they get upset. :(

They rarely get her anything coco. A bottle of bubbles and a Tshirt has been the sum total. They never take her out. They don't go out much themselves, really, apart from work. I wouldn't put it past my ex to give DD the toy and say it was from him- why not, it's not like he paid for it obviously They are very tight.

I think that's partly why DD became so attached to it. It was something she could tell everyone that her daddy gave her

You are not being unreasonable, your poor DD, she doesn't sound spoilt - the opposite infant, she was delighted with a little gift that wasn't even new! Ex-Sil should have let her keep it, she is meant to be an adult.

'I don't understand how DD took it home when she wasn't meant to. When DD brought it home with her, saying 'look what daddy gave me', I did the 'oh how kind of Daddy, isn't that a lovely cat' etc, and my ex just stood there doing his smug Dad of the Year act.'

Did you miss that Princess?

Yeah, the cat might have belonged to someone else BUT, a child of 4 has got attached to it because it represented ghe affection from a non resident parent. Obviously, if we compare the heartbreak of a 4 year old who NEEDS that toy, with the need of a 25 year old woman to have it. The correct thing is for the child to keep it and for tge dad to have negotiated a replacement with his adult sister. For a woman thats a piece of foam and fabric, for a child, it is the same as a little sibling.

If you are bending yourself backwards for this family to be in contact with your chikd, it may be time to stop, don't obstruct it but don't push for it either. It may be in your DDs best interests.

I know well how it feels to have your child's heart broken by an insensitive parent, I know you are hurting more than your DD.

DS once came back home histerical because exh got angry with me and made DS pay for it: he took him to tip to leave there all the toys I gave him but apparently took his favourite toy out of the rubbish because DS couldn't stop crying.

For years I adhered to the principle that it is better for children to stay in contact with both parents, but with time I have realised that I was supporting that principle not because I thought it was the best for DS, but because I was also afraid of exh.

Your SIL sounds like a spoilt brat, not your DD.
Your friend sounds lovely though

A toy is the same as a little sibling?! That's actually quite hilarious!

Ah well if he was there when she said he had given it to her then yes he was BVU by not telling his sister as much when she wanted it back.

What? She is not allowed in any room but the living room and the bathroom??? Wtf? Dear woman, this is your wake up call!

I would have happily given up my little sister to be able to keep my favourite fluffy toy. (Grin). Go and laugh princess, I don't care what tou think (grin)

TBH, it's your ex who's at fault here, more than his sister.

If the aunt lent her the toy, he shouldn't have allowed her to bring it home, but should have said "It's time to give the cat back to [aunt's name] because you have to go back to Mummy, now."

Instead, he pretended to have given his daughter the toy.

I do think a 25 yo could have given her cat away, though, to her niece. You just would, wouldn't you?

I think your ex and ex-SIl sound horrible. Your ex should have said straight away if it was a loan and not a gift, which he didn't. It was on him (an adult) to take action at this point, not your four-year-old.

If your DD gets so little, and so unreliably, from her dad, it's no wonder she attached a great deal of meaning to this cat.

Your friend sounds absolutely lovely, BTW. Your DD is lucky to have her in her life.

YANBU.

Oh my GOD I literally welled up reading that. Poor little thing. I would give my car to a child if it made them happy and brought them comfort. My ds has this scabby little pillow he sleeps with and walks around with when he's tired. If someone took it off him I would go fucking apeshit.

Your friend sounds like a legend btw!

YANBU.

Your poor dd: primarkprincess - did you miss the bit about the little girl loving it so much because it was a present from her daddy

That is not being spoilt. Her dad and his should be ashamed.

Yanbu and fgs she didn't have a tantrum she was upset, she clearly became attached to the toy and it was a comfort object to her, hence waking in the night crying for it.

My dd has a cuddly lamb that is her comfort toy and if someone took it off her she wouldbe distraught! It wouldn't be a tantrum it's upset at having something precious to her taken! And at four they cannot always express their feelings clearly, she is just showing her emotional response!

The only hilarious thing on this thread is you and your spectacularly silly posts primarkprincess.

His sister.

When DS1 was 3, I bought him a toy cat. He loved it so much, and it went everywhere with him that I worried how upset he would be if he lost it. I worried so much in fact that I went and bought a new one of the same toy, just in case he did lose it (luckily he didn't).

Children invest a lot of emotional attachment into their toys, and especially in this case it seems like it represented love from a Daddy who really isn't a caring person at all. So to give up that cat, was like giving up the only emblem of his love for her - so much more than just a sodding toy!

OP - unless your DD's stays at your ex's are court ordered, I'd stop bothering to facilitate them, tbh. Doesn't sound like the poor little soul has much fun there and now she'll have to contend with the cat being there, the one she can't have. :(

YANBU OP. Poor thing. Hope she and Woolly are very happy together!

She's had the bloody thing for 4 months! of course she's attached to it! I bet the visits are really stressful for her and this is something that she thought told her she was cared about!
If she shouldn't have brought it home, she shouldn't have been allowed to. And if it was that 'sentimental' to the aunt (25 for god's sake!) she shouldn't have let her play with it.

Some of you, I swear, just like to be contrary for the sake of it! And some of you need to read the posts properly.

You have a lovely friend and I think it's about time that contact wasn't so easily facilitated.

It sounds like your ex perhaps mislead your daughter/ let her think that it was hers to keep, so that he would sound like the good guy at the time? I agree with others that the toy could have been sentimental to the sister, even if she was happy for it to be lent out for a few months. I think this issue and the sister just sound like they're distracting from what a twat your ex is.

Thank you all for your lovely replies, except primarkprincess, whose Zen-like infants clearly form no attachments to fluffy objects of consumer greed.

My friend is amazing, utterly amazing. We've been like sisters since we were small, and she is DD's godmother. DD adores her.

This has been a bit of a wakeup call, really. I feel like DD is in an unsafe position at her ex's house, not that they would deliberately harm her, but their sheer disregard for her well being scares me.