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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu about this cat?

234 replies

juditz · 04/07/2014 07:59

Before I met my dh, he had cats which have since passed away. Anyway, he always loved them because they are 'free spirits' (his words) and do what they want.
A cat has started to come into the house as it is summer and windows and doors are open. I do not encourage it to come in, but it likes to sit on my lap for about half an hour each night while I watch TV but it has not taken to sitting on his lap and gets aggressive when he is near it-tried to bite him. I innocently brought up the cat in conversation and my dh went on a rant about how we should not be encouraging the cat to come in-I don't 'encourage' it; he just comes in.
According to him, this cat is somebody else's 'possession' and it is wrong for us to encourage him - I don't even understand this as before the cat took a dislike to him he was the one who bought it cat treats (we both agreed that a small treat was OK but not feeding it as such) not me.

I'm quite upset by his rant. AIBU? I know this sounds deeply trivial but I am quite upset.

It doesn't even seem logical to me-the owners obviously let the cat roam free and it's not as if the cat is going to say, 'I've been round Judy's house'.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/07/2014 08:05

I think I would feel the same if my husband was snuggling up with some random animal every night that liked to attack me tbh.

I have a cat who is haunting me, climbing through the windows, dash through an open door up the stairs. I chase it every time.. maybe it's time you did .f?ts not playing nice.

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:06

Sorry to mislead, he doesn't attack him as such -just gets a bit aggressive if he tries to cuddle him.

OP posts:
Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:08

I appreciate you feel that way, gamerchick, but my husband claims to be a cat lover and will go on about how they are 'free spirits'. I know that some people are not cat lovers.

OP posts:
Shouldwego · 04/07/2014 08:10

I tend to agree with your DH that you shouldn't be encouraging it at all. It is someone's family pet and not your cat.

I would not be happy with you letting my cat in but especially unhappy with you feeding it treats. Which of course is just feeding it but not the big standard stuff, the nice stuff.

Obviously I have ignored your DH's change in attitude. But either way, you should stop encouraging it.

Hobby2014 · 04/07/2014 08:13

Personally i wouldn't be giving it treats or letting it on my lap to stroke, id be sending it back out each time it got in. I think giving treats and lots of affection is telling the cat to come in, and I assume it's got it's own house and owner.. If it's a stray then it's different. But that's just my opinion x

Sandthorn · 04/07/2014 08:16

I don't really get cats at all. I know my dog is stinky and has some filthy habits, but at least I know where he's been!

Do you really not see where your husband's coming from? I'd be pretty fucked off if anyone encouraged random cats into my house (yes, you are encouraging it, by being all nice to it when it shows up), especially if they attacked me with their germy teeth and claws.

If you've decided you like cats, get to your local rescue centre and get one that both of you get on with, and send this one back to its owners.

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:16

I understand the view that some would send it packing straight away; I get that, however, it's the change in attitude of my dh that is the issue IYSWIM.

OP posts:
londonrach · 04/07/2014 08:17

Agree with your dh. Don't encourage the cat. Some family somewhere might be missing him whilst he with you. If concerned he a stray put a letter on his collar asking who he belongs to with phone number.

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:18

Nevertheless, it's not a dog, if you let your cat out, I think you've got to accept that it will go where it pleases but that is a separate issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:19

I wouldn't put a letter around a cat's neck; it might choke it.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/07/2014 08:20

The cat has took a dislike to him and is attacking him.

Now honestly, but for it was you would you be happy letting it in because I certainly wouldn't? Your husband can still like cats but he's entitled not to like this one. Try and see it from his point of view.. he's allowed to change his mind about how he sees cats.

londonrach · 04/07/2014 08:23

Judith on the collar not the neck.

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:25

I'm not being awkward for the sake of it; I completely and utterly understand that some people do not like cats and would send it packing straight away, but, honestly, he claims to really love cats as they 'do as they please', 'you can't control their behaviour', and one of his cats-who died before we met- was also quite vicious and he's got a high pain threshold-I doubt he is scared of serious injury from a cat!

Maybe I'm not explaining this too well; but it's his attitude change. Maybe he just likes cats when they do what he wants them to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:26

Basically, he was all for it coming in before the cat didn't seem to like him and took a liking to me instead.

OP posts:
MuddledColours · 04/07/2014 08:32

So your saying your dh took the arse because the cat prefers you? And it's bothering you?
I'd stop encouraging it into your house, I wouldn't like some random cat that hates me in my house either tbh. Regardless of whether it preffered my partner or me.

Hobby2014 · 04/07/2014 08:36

Sorry I'm a cat lover too OP, and I love my indoor boy cat lots. But I still stand by my post and agree with the others. He can love cats too, but I totally understand not wanting to be attacked or wanting random cats in the house .

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:37

MuddledColours, I guess that is what I am saying, yes.

How else can I see it? If from the very start he had discouraged it from coming in or hated cats and not gone on about how they were 'free spirits', I wouldn't be here asking aibu? now.

But hey, this 'free spirit' doesn't do what he wants it to do. So it has to go.

OP posts:
HPparent · 04/07/2014 08:37

I would hate my cat to be given treats by someone else because we have to control her food quite closely.

Your husband is obviously jealous that the cat prefers you to him but I don't think it is worth the hassle. I would chuck the treats and shoo it away when it tries to get in. Go to a rescue centre and adopt a cat if you both want one of your own.

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:38

Hobby2014 he was happy to have the random cat come in before it liked me more than him.

OP posts:
Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:39

No offence and this is a separate issue but if some people like to control their animals, why don't they get a dog instead of a cat? That way, you can control their behaviour at all times.

OP posts:
MuddledColours · 04/07/2014 08:40

Are there other issues that are bothering you? You seem to be very focused on the fact your husband is jealous of the cat. Is it really about the cat?

Shouldwego · 04/07/2014 08:44

The difference is that you're not stroking it in the street, which I do to many cats and expect people to stroke mine but you are actually encouraging it by giving it treats.

Surely whilst legally no-one can control cats, morally it's a bit off to be encouraging a cat when it is not yours.

Your DH's change in attitude may annoy you but at least it may stop you encouraging the cat and let it go back to its actual owners.

Binkyresurrected · 04/07/2014 08:45

Maybe his change in attitude is because someone has mentioned to him that as its not his cat he shouldn't be encouraging it to stay in his house.

I love cats, I love animals and would love to have a whole lot more than what I have now, but I would never encourage someone elses pet to come and live with me.

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 08:47

MuddledColours, maybe so. Maybe the cat has highlighted what an arsehole he is.

He loves cats because they are free spirits-yeah, only when they do what he wants them to do.

He -not me must stress that- decided to get it a few little treats. If that is not encouraging it, what is? I wouldn't have done that.

But no, because, 'Tiddles' likes me more, it has to go.

This thread isn't about whether other people like/dislike cats or whether they'd encourage it in; it's about the fact that he was happy to.

OP posts:
FunkyFlanFlinger · 04/07/2014 09:01

This is not your cat, it belongs to someone else. If you want a cat of your own then have the conversation with your OH in a grown up adult way, do not just let any cat into your house and expect him to accept it.

Is it a stray? Stray cats are normally very ungroomed and skinny, a bit like when cat colonies you see in Spain. They are skinny because nothing they can catch has the same carb or fat content as commercial cat food, so they are constantly sourcing food. If so, then get to a vet because it may well be chipped and the owner looking for it. If it is not chipped the vet may have someone who will take it in.

However, a well-loved and owned cat will have nice fur and know that if he only has to give a human love and fuss then he gets food, food and more food in return. Perhaps a lap cuddle and fusses if he goes the whole hog and does long blinks at you. In reality, the owner may just be at work during the day, and if it is hot weather their cat may not have access to water.

FWIW, I would be so angry if someone was feeding one of my cats as they have specific diets. I had to put an advert in our local freebie magazine because he was being sick and the vomit contained dry cat food (he does not have dry). It turned out an old lady in the next street had started giving him beef mince and cream, ffs. It took his weight issues right back to square one again.

I was not "rude" I was just very clear with her "ffs he weighs 22lbs and is too heavy to lift, how the F*%& could he be a stray cat" or words to that effect ...

FFF x

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