aibu about this cat?

[juditz]

Before I met my dh, he had cats which have since passed away. Anyway, he always loved them because they are 'free spirits' (his words) and do what they want.
A cat has started to come into the house as it is summer and windows and doors are open. I do not encourage it to come in, but it likes to sit on my lap for about half an hour each night while I watch TV but it has not taken to sitting on his lap and gets aggressive when he is near it-tried to bite him. I innocently brought up the cat in conversation and my dh went on a rant about how we should not be encouraging the cat to come in-I don't 'encourage' it; he just comes in.
According to him, this cat is somebody else's 'possession' and it is wrong for us to encourage him - I don't even understand this as before the cat took a dislike to him he was the one who bought it cat treats (we both agreed that a small treat was OK but not feeding it as such) not me.

I'm quite upset by his rant. AIBU? I know this sounds deeply trivial but I am quite upset.

It doesn't even seem logical to me-the owners obviously let the cat roam free and it's not as if the cat is going to say, 'I've been round Judy's house'.

I absolutely adore cats, but I would not encourage any cat into my home or garden for that matter

This isn't about the cat, is it?

I think if you find other examples of this sort of stuff and go on the Relationships board then you may find help to get your thoughts sorted out.

Good luck

Legionofboom I don't know; he doesn't say much but I can kind of sense that he dislikes me spending time with my family and he is forever slagging them off.

What Legion said.

Your DH is being an arse now because he is no longer The Special Cat God Who All Cats Worship, but in the midst of his arsedom is a valid fact which he (and you) should have acknowledged at the beginning - you don't feed someone else's cat.

Dreamies and those types of treats are like cat crack, full of additives and all sorts of shit. No wonder it keeps coming back.

And as for why people don't get dogs - some do. Some have both. But some have cats because they want a pet and aren't set up for a dog: working long hours, or physically unable to meet the exercise demands of a dog. Doesn't mean that when they let their cat out, it's acceptable for other people to encourage it to come into their house - and you have been encouraging it, regardless of your protests.

I can see your POV with Dh saying he loves cats because... and then reacting like this, confusing.

I am not sure I hold that cats belong to anyone they choose to be honest (apart from legal responsibility- I mean in their own heads) BUT

Don't encourage an aggressive cat into your home

Don't feed a cat that isn't yours, he probably has a family somewhere loving him and missing him; it may be OK for him now but come winter he will need more shelter than you can offer.

We have five cats including fostering, and I know that they visit others and that's OK when we know so we don't worry- Giz visits an elderly widow down the road and that's lovely. but they are our responsibility to care for and we need to know where they are and miss them badly if they stray.

And yes I love dogs to bits, just as much as cats- cats work better for us right now.

Bah, you are being unreasonable - you married DH, and the cat belongs to somebody else, neither of you should feed it or encourage it to be inside your house - you were both BU to do that in the first place. He has back tracked on the "free spirit" nonsense, yes, we get that - but most people would if the individual cat concerned disliked them, rather than being merely catishly detached.

Your DH may be a twat, but nothing in the thread suggests he is any more unreasonable than his DW, who puts a cat that doesn't need her and belongs to somebody else, before her DH...

I appreciate the wise advice about not feeding the cat and he shouldn't have bought it treats and I won't be feeding it, if it wants its head scratched that is is different, but my point is that I am upset that this cat must now be banished not because he realises the error of feeding the damned thing but because this particular 'free spirit' likes me more than my dh.

Then banish the cat that isn't yours and then talk to your husband about why you believe he has issues around you showing affection to something other than him.

Jud that last post of yours is different - maybe you do need to post in relationships or see if you can get an initial solo telationship councilling session, to straighten out whether your DH is infact controlling and/ or just no longer 'D'.

Stop focussing on the borrowed cat though, it makes you sound unbalanced!

Yeah, it's not really about the cat, but these things are always about something else, aren't they? The truth is as long as I know the cat is safe and well and not suffering (of course) , it wouldn't bother me much if I never saw it again; I'd miss its presence for a night or two but that would be it.

It's about my bullshitting husband (loves cats as they are free spirits who do what they like, until it conflicts with what he wants them to do etc) who loves cats and will encourage them in until it's apparent that they like me more than him and/or doesn't like to see me give affection to anything else.

You're right, I need a good hard look at the man I married.

I have read all of this thread (phew) and still it comes down to slightly odd behaviour from the DH and an OP who really shouldn't be feeding/encouraging ANY cat that isn't theirs.

QED

Oh lord! Please do shut up about the free spirits. Unless you are both 10, exact coincidence of your attitudes to cats doesn't really matter. If you suspect he's jealous in a more sinister way, then by all means LTB. Otherwise, we ALL hear what you're saying, but it really is fair enough for him to not want a bitey little wanker in your house, even if he did start it.

You are both idiots for feeding other people's pets.

Yes agree with Lisamed this isn't really about the cat is it??

You have made an issue when there didn't really need to be one and could be easily solved by discouraging the cat any further but you seem to be showing reluctance in doing this.

you need to ask yourself why its so important to you to go against dh's wishes regardless of whether he was the one to encourage it initially or not. It's not your cat, send it home and work out what the real issues are in your relationship.

Oops X Posted!!!

Well that's just it, isn't it? Sandthorn? The bottom line is that I am not a cat lover as such and as long as I knew the cat was safe, it wouldn't bother me too much if I never saw it again. He encouraged it in and he's not particularly bothered by its 'bitey' behaviour at all, but because the thing shows me affection and not him, it must go.

Yes that does bother me. Sorry.

I've been considering what has been said here and I will never feet a cat a treat again. If it wants to sit on my lap and be stroked that is different, but at some point it will have to go back to its owners because not all its needs are being met and it will have to go back and get fed. One tiny 'dreamie' (that's what we've been giving him) isn't OK if everybody else in the street does the same-that may add up to a full meal and it may never need to go home again if 10 of us do this.

However, my problem with my dh remains, and I have reached the conclusion that he has not had a moment of clarity where he suddenly 'realised' that it was wrong to feed another person's cat at all, he's just put out that the cat prefers me to him. That's my problem and I'm better off going to relationships or 'LTB-ing' such a pathetic man who can't bear to see his wife stroke a cat without getting jealous.

Please stop petting the cat too. If it ventures into your house, please put it firmly but kindly back outside and keep doing this until it gets the message.

I would be extremely sad if a neighbour was encouraging/allowing my cat into their house, whether with food or not.

I have scanned through this topic and can't see one person that is happy for you to pet their cat. I am surprised as I wouldn't mind if someone was petting mine, as long as they were nice to it. Unfortunately, years ago, a lady next door used to be nice to our cat but the husband wasn't too fussed. There were screams in the night when he woke up in panic as our big ginger tom had curled around his bald head. The cat had managed to sneak in one chilly night through their bedroom window.
I watched a documentary about tracking domestic cats and it is amazing how many houses they go into and nick each other's food. So if they are on a prescription diet, they need to be indoors only.

I know, Johnthedog, feeding it is one thing and I've come round to the idea that this may not be on but petting it? Come on that's different; I'm not feeding it again (it looks in good nick so not being starved) but I'll pick it up and cuddle it if it wanders in again.

The way I see it by only cuddling it I'm not meeting all its needs so it will go home to its owners.

Don't really understand the possessiveness about cats; thought dog owners were the controlling ones. Obviously wrong. It's an animal not a possession. If it wants its head scratched by somebody else, then so be it.

Yeah I am one of those controlling bastards that buys a cat after responsibly finding a homing centre.
Spays it
Chips it
House trains it
Vaccinates it

Feeds it for a year and allows my children to become fond of it, love it and think its their cat.

Only to have somebody who can't be arsed to do any of the above start feeding it and letting it sleep on their bed.

So I don't keep cats anymore. I am sick of providing ready made pets for other people and my kids getting upset.

Stop feeding it.

If your OH is as big an arse as you think he is, LTB.

'Petting' a cat as you walk past it in the street and it rubs up against you is different to letting a cat in your house, on your sofa, on your lap for half an hour each night stroking and giving it attention.. Or is it me?

The same has just happened to a friend of mine. Someone nearby was feeding the cat, the cat barely comes to her house now. She has even identified them and asked them not to feed him but apparently that counts for nothing. They have effectively stolen her cat. She pays vet bills etc. He had a collar on so that kind of gives people a clue the cat isn't yours to feed. He is a huge cat too.

Deverethemuzzler, that's like somebody blaming the other woman when a dh cheats. Lol. Look the cat is a cat; it does what it does, if it prefers next door's bed, it will go there instead.

I'm not feeding it or providing ALL its needs, so it will go home when it gets hungry. Perhaps a dog would be better? You can control that completely with training.

A cat is an unlicensed animal, it's not a dog. There's no law against cuddling a cat or giving it food (not that I will be doing the latter anymore) .

No its not you hobby. Cats do liked to be petted. I stroke the next door neighbours cats as they come running up to me outside when I come home. They don't come in my house though (and Def don't come near me if my cat is about Lol). one has tried to come in my house once until mine spotted her. She hasn't since.