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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu about this cat?

234 replies

juditz · 04/07/2014 07:59

Before I met my dh, he had cats which have since passed away. Anyway, he always loved them because they are 'free spirits' (his words) and do what they want.
A cat has started to come into the house as it is summer and windows and doors are open. I do not encourage it to come in, but it likes to sit on my lap for about half an hour each night while I watch TV but it has not taken to sitting on his lap and gets aggressive when he is near it-tried to bite him. I innocently brought up the cat in conversation and my dh went on a rant about how we should not be encouraging the cat to come in-I don't 'encourage' it; he just comes in.
According to him, this cat is somebody else's 'possession' and it is wrong for us to encourage him - I don't even understand this as before the cat took a dislike to him he was the one who bought it cat treats (we both agreed that a small treat was OK but not feeding it as such) not me.

I'm quite upset by his rant. AIBU? I know this sounds deeply trivial but I am quite upset.

It doesn't even seem logical to me-the owners obviously let the cat roam free and it's not as if the cat is going to say, 'I've been round Judy's house'.

OP posts:
passmethewineplease · 04/07/2014 09:31

No you can't control a cats behaviour.

You can control your own though can't you?

Binkyresurrected · 04/07/2014 09:31

Why are you having difficulty understanding that it is not your cat to snuggle up on the sofa with and feed?

Hobby2014 · 04/07/2014 09:32

Turn it round the other way. If you were a cat person and this cat kept coming in and giving you love, it's lovely. Then it becomes aggressive towards you, surely anyone in their right mind would decide now is the time to stop encouraging it.
The way you're wording it isn't like oh it sits on my lap but not his, you've said it's aggressive to him, so I'd certainly change my mind about wanting it in the house.

GreeboOgg · 04/07/2014 09:32

Or you could accept that it isn't your cat and stop encouraging it with fusses and treats. I understand that you've become very fond of the cat, but honestly, you're starting to sound a bit like one of those odd catnappers.

It is not your pet. It belongs to somebody else.

Jesaya · 04/07/2014 09:33

Wow OP you're coming across as erm... A bit odd.

It's a cat, your husband doesn't want it there. I don't see the problem, the can't is not yours so stop feeding it and put it out when it comes in.

As for feeding other peoples cats. Completely irresponsible. My friends cat had pancreatitis and the "treats" that your are feeding the cat would most likely have cause her cat a lot of pain. You don't know the animal you should not be feeding it anything. I can never understand why people think this is ok just because cats roam.

Jesaya · 04/07/2014 09:34

Oh and for the record that is written by the Great Granddaughter and Granddaughter of the best catnappers in the north! How did they do it? Started off with treats.

kali110 · 04/07/2014 09:35

two of mine go next door to relatives when they smell them cooking something they want and for a bit of fuss. Every sunday they go over for their own chicken dinner and fuss off the relatives kids. Still my cats and they still come back.

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 09:36

Jesaya I don't think you see the problem because you've not actually read what I have said:

Let me reiterate:

He is more of a 'cat person' than me: before it became apparent the cat liked me more than him, he bought it treats-that's him not me- he didn't mind it coming in. Now some have said that we shouldn't have encouraged it at all-fair enough, however, the only thing that has changed is that the cat likes me more than him.

OP posts:
Binkyresurrected · 04/07/2014 09:41

The problem is easily sorted.

You stop feeding and cuddling a cat that isn't yours and is aggressive to your DH.

You ask your DH why he changed his mind about encouraging an aggressive (to him) cat into his home.

You could also ask why he seemed to be jealous of the cat, (which I doubt he is, not many people want to be around an animal that is aggressive towards them)

Jesaya · 04/07/2014 09:43

I read exactly what you said. I still don't see the problem other than your insistence on allowing a cat that aggressive to your husband in your home. Whether he had an aggressive cat before is neither here nor there. We all make allowances for our own pets, children, friend and family that we wouldn't necessarily do for others. The aggressive cat before was his, he had a responsibility to that cat he doesn't to this one and neither do you.

You sound a bit crazy although I wonder if this is solely about the cat. If it is you seriously need to look at your priorities because what your saying is bonkers.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 04/07/2014 09:44

Jud your DH is only human - he has always liked cats in general, but this cat doesn't like him so he is back tracking on his initial, rather silly and thoughtless, inclination to offer it treats and give it free run of your mutual home. He probably feels a bit silly and a bit hurt that the animal he wanted to befriend doesn't like him.

"Free spirt" or not, it is hard to like an individual animal that doesn't like you. If the positions were reversed and the cat strongly disliked you and spent evenings on your DH's lap, would you encourage that?

Putting aside the morality of feeding somebody else's cat andencouraging it to spend time inside your house, can't you empathise with your DH's changed attitude given the animal dislikes him? Who wants somebody else's grumpy mean cat monopolising their partner in the eve, whether you love "free spirited" cats or not?

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 09:45

How can a 6ft 3 inch tall man weighing 16 stone be scared of a small cat? The cat is only mildly aggressive when he tries to stroke it; he doesn't pounce for any other reason.

It's jealousy, pure and simple. Or it's the fact that he doesn't like me showing affection to anything else bar him.

OP posts:
Legionofboom · 04/07/2014 09:45

Your DH is BU to have changed his mind on the cat because the cat likes you best while making out that his change of heart is because he feels bad that the cat is not yours.

You are both BU to feed someone else's cat without permission or knowledge of any health issues the cat might have.

Cat's are BU to not be more loyal.

DupontetDupond · 04/07/2014 09:45

Your DH IBU if it was he who encouraged the cat in the first place with treats and now has his arse in his hand. Sounds like he's being a bit childish as the cat doesn't like him even though he's a 'cat person'

Having said that, the cat is clearly causing a barrier now - maybe the cat needs to go and you can stroke your DH instead.... I'm sure it will lead to more fun. :-)

Jesaya · 04/07/2014 09:49

Who said he was scared? He may just not like the bloody thing. I wouldn't like a cat that I thought might hiss/swipe or bite me if I went too close to it.

You are being ridiculous and making a mountain out of a molehill. Go buy your own cat!

Legionofboom · 04/07/2014 09:49

Cats not Cat's Blush

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 09:49

Legionofboom and DupontetDupond thanks for getting what I am trying to say.

Not sure I want to be with a man who is jealous of small bundle of black fur that sits on my lap for about 30 minutes a night, though, in fact, I think he is a bit of a w***, funny how the seemingly small things make you realise something about somebody.

OP posts:
Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 09:51

Jesaya, you're not getting it at all, are you? He claims to love cats because they don't do what he wants them to do. That is clearly bullshit on his part because the moment one doesn't do what he wants, it must go despite the fact that I like the thing.

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 04/07/2014 09:53

Jud nobody suggested your DH is scared of the cat, just that it is absolutely normal not to like an animal which doesn't like you, even if you like the species in general.

Are you looking for somebody to tell you to choose somebody else's cat, which you have no rights to or responsibility for, over your DH just because he doesn't want an animal that dislikes him in the house every evening?

Binkyresurrected · 04/07/2014 09:53

Well, LTB then, The reasons for a divorce will be good though." He was jealous of a cat that isn't ours."

Legionofboom · 04/07/2014 09:54

Does your DH behave like this with other things OP?

Oldraver · 04/07/2014 09:54

Do not feed it, even treats. It is not your cat it belongs to someone else, of course it will keep on coming if you give it treats

I know someone feeds my cat and it pisses me off no end, especially as we have recently had a cat die so the other cat not coming in at night bothers DS me

Original poster
juditz · 04/07/2014 09:56

But so what that it doesn't like him? FWIW, I don't give it treats, he does. The cat just wanders in, I stroke it for about 30 minutes and it gets up and leaves. That's it. I'm not out to catnap him or anything. But it seems he is jealous of this/and or doesn't like to see me giving something else a bit of affection.

I'm not even a cat person!

OP posts:
Oldraver · 04/07/2014 09:57

Oh and your DH is a twatbadger.......free spirit indeed until it doesn't fit in with his idea of free spirit.

Jesaya · 04/07/2014 09:57

Oh my... It's not me not understanding. I love my sister precisely because she's wild, unpredictable and daring however if she decided to chop down on my arm or scratch my legs the charm of her unpredictability may start to wear off!

You can like cats, love their nature and way of life and still dislike a singular cats aggressiveness towards you.

Maybe you should leave with the cat and set up a home just the two of you?

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