To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

[lecce]

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies .

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby . They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

happy I was going to agree with your last paragraph there but then I read the bit about tutu, wings and dresses. Dd often wore this combination when she was about 2 I promise I wasn't trying and failing to be trendy though!!

306235388 now look who else has a Nickname with just numbers.

I think it sounds like your dd is actually fairly mould breaking like her mother. You aren't trying to be trendy you actually are.

The only issue is - is fancy dress allowed yes or no? The teacher will be able to clear this up for you.
Yes. I've had same discussion with DD. We've had to insist on a distinction between "play dresses" and "princess dresses". Believe me, she would wear the latter every day if allowed, but it is not practical.

Why don't you tell him that he has to wear shorts and a t-shirt as it is not a dress up day I don't think it is worth asking the teacher about it, as long as you are sure it is not a dress up day.

If it is a dress up day, I would just stick it in the washing machine, if it falls apart it falls apart, but you can't send him in a dirty dress

I think the OP's son doesn't wear shorts and t-shirts as his 'regular' clothes, and he might be uncomfortable doing so (he'd be 'dressing up' then!). It would make more sense for him to wear a dress but one that is appropriate for the day's activities and setting.

Then he can wear his 'usual' clothes. But he can't wear dirty clothes they should be washed and in decent condition for school.

agreed!

I get the impression that you're desperate to be seen as a tolerant, liberal parent because you respect your son's ~gender identity~, not like those other judgemental mothers who would be ashamed to have a ~different~ son. I imagine that you'll baulk at this suggestion but just think about it.

I can tell you right now that you're doing enough for him by letting him express himself when it's appropriate to do so. To insist on it when it isn't appropriate is like level-up performance parenting.

Well I don't know, Saoirseba, I certainly don't want to be seen as intolerant and bigoted, no. Is that a problem .

I will ignore all the comments about my inability to say no, and my desire to get attention. I have already stated that I have no problem at all saying no when I think it important to do so. Until now, I didn't think this issue was important enough to make a stand on. It fell into the category of 'harmless fun' and I was choosing my battles by letting him wear the dresses everywhere. I don't use my son to get attention, I find it really offensive that people who don't know me would jump to that conclusion just because I am doing something that they wouldn't do themselves.

And, you know, just because you personally have not seen or experienced something, doesn't mean it doesn't happen, or that when it does happen there is something wrong with it.

I do think the whole thing has got out of hand, and I feel bad about it. I work f/t, dh and I have been having some problems. I don't know, it seems we have taken our eye off the ball a little . The comments that have made me think on here are those about his confidence, and the fact that this should not be based on what he wears. Of course we have tried to raise a confident child - have we failed? We have always used detailed, descriptive praise where appropriate, but tried not to go overboard with praising, we certainly praise effort etc, we encourage the dc to be independent where appropriate, spend a lot of time with them, ds goes to dance classes.

What else can we do? How do you increase a child's confidence?

Some very sensible advice on here- especially from worraliberty.
I still think that you are overthinking it and making it a gender problem when really it isn't. You have a child who wants to wear a wholly inappropriate outfit and for some reason you can't just come out and tell him. If you just dismissed it, with body language that made it plain, he would just accept it and you wouldn't have all this angst.
I think to a certain extent it is about you and wanting to be seen as a liberal parent.
I am sure that we all had children who wanted to take totally inappropriate things to school but it doesn't mean we let them. My son would have taken his blanket everywhere but he had to understand there were some places it couldn't go.
If your young child has such an obsession with clothes I would distract him with doing lots of interesting things so that he loses interest in what he looks like.
The unfortunate thing is that whatever he is like in the future he will always be remembered right through school as 'the kid who wore dresses in the infants' - not easy to shake off. Do you want to risk having him say 'why did you let me do it when you were the adult?'

You increase his confidence by making him feel secure and giving boundaries.
Your last post convinces me that it is just as I thought, attention seeking rather than a clothing issue.
Have you thought of taking him to drama classes? My nephew is a child who becomes confident when playing a role rather than being himself.

Probably been said lots but it's too long a thread to read in its entirety, however I would assume that on non uniform day kids at the younger end of the school would come in fancy dress / princess / superhero clothes.

Not in my experience.

Most of the girls will be in trousers- unless very hot.

We have a non uniform day once a term regularly plus extras for world bool day, various charities etc. Loads of younger kids go in in fancy dress. This is the first time it has even crossed my mind that non uniform doesn't equal dressing up. I've worked in lots of schools that have been the same. Further up the school kids tend to just wear ordinary clothes in my experience. So if I was the op and the issue was just the dress I would ask the teacher or email the school to check what is allowed.

As PPs have said. I think you need to explore why you let him wear princess dresses to climb trees and go for muddy walks in. I have 2DDs and I would not let them wear princesses dresses for those activities. Not suitable. It wouldn't be any kind of dress to be honest, it would be trousers or leggings for practicality.

You appear to be over tolerant of his request to wear princess dresses in unsuitable situations. I also think that you are bending over backwards to be seen as tolerant of his clothing choices but it's too much. Princess dresses are for best. Never mind a child's gender.

Do you want everyone to look at you and think "wow, she's so cool and tolerant letting her DS wear princess dresses to climb trees"? Think about why that is because if he was a she most people would be thinking "look at that parent over-indulging their pfb by letting them wreck their princess dress climbing a tree, do they have any control over that child?"

You also just need to chuck them in the washing machine! They are not meant for mud and climbing trees and it is silly to be then trying to clean them by hand. If they fall apart, they fall apart.

Even in younger classes non uniform tends to mean the same- practical clothes for moving about in. Hot summer weather- shorts and T-shirt for boys and girls.

Delpiniumsblue I really don't know why you keep insisting that I can't say no when I have repeatedly said that I can and do. I have already stated that I will absolutely not let him where the dress if it's not allowed, though we don't know that yet.

If your young child has such an obsession with clothes I would distract him with doing lots of interesting things so that he loses interest in what he looks like. We have tried to do that to an extent, but it is hard during term-time, with work, tiredness, not a huge amount of money and the fact that he is very, very stubborn. We can certainly work on it more in the summer. We will do this NOT because he is a boy and shouldn't wear a dress, but because I am starting to agree that he is using them as a crutch, and that's not good.

The unfortunate thing is that whatever he is like in the future he will always be remembered right through school as 'the kid who wore dresses in the infants' - not easy to shake off. So he's doomed already then, whatever we do?

The drama class is a good idea - he has been to one but found the show element a bit much. We have always said we will try again when he's a bit older, so we will be looking into that again.

It's not about whether the dress is allowed by the school. You are the parent. You decide if you think it is ok (which you clearly don't!) You explain he can't wear it and why. If he throws a strop or sulks then there are consequences. (And yes I have a stubborn one. I just never give in.)

OP I think you are worrying too much here. It's fine to veto an impractical choice if the dress is too long. A short tutu would be fine imo but let your ds choose an alternative and if he won't then you choose.
My cousin went through a stage of wearing his mums skirt and shoes in public aged 6 (whilst living in an area not known for tolerance). It wasn't a problem in later life! He has always been a kind of effortless natty dresser though and looks like Sting. He's now a happily married psychiatrist.
I'm sure your sons confidence gains from your approach to his clothing. Have more confidence in your parenting.

I give in! I don't know why I am wasting time getting involved!
Send him in the dress (unless the teacher does the dirty work for you and says it is not allowed).

Yes to youaremyrain

You have food issues with him too.
You are going to have endless issues about stuff that you yourself are not too bothered about.

But he might be when he is older.

Oh well.
I give in too.

What? Where did I say I have food issues with him???