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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

297 replies

lecce · 03/07/2014 20:49

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies Blush.

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby Blush. They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

OP posts:
LegoSuperstar · 04/07/2014 07:47

This reply has been deleted

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Cabrinha · 04/07/2014 07:49

You can't abdicate on parenting!
My daughter also YR would wear same on non uniform day. Tatty too. It's fine.
But if you say no, for heaven's sake be able to make and stand by your own decision.

soverylucky · 04/07/2014 07:51

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

settingsitting · 04/07/2014 07:51

This thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2118561-Struggling-to-interact-positively-with-ds-5-at-all

and this thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/behaviour_development/2106981-Food-stealing-5yr-old

You have written two threads in the last month! Hmm

Floggingmolly · 04/07/2014 07:54

So he's doomed already then, whatever we do?. How many times has he worn a princess dress to school already??

Chippednailvarnish · 04/07/2014 08:00

You're the parent, so start parenting.

Lots of people work full time, are tired and have Dc's who have huge meltdowns when they want their own way. It's nothing new or unique, but unlike you most people stand firm and nip it in the bud.

You sound like you're looking a get out clause to absolve you from responsibility for dealing with your own son. (Waits for another 20 reasons why he's so special / your so busy / tried / whatever)...

cosikitty · 04/07/2014 08:02

I have worked in schools for 20 years, and I have never come across a boy who would wear a dress other than from the Reception/year 1 dressing up box. I have known only 2 girls who have chosen to dress in 'boys' clothes.

306235388 · 04/07/2014 08:03

OP yabu pretty much everyone's told you that. You're doing your ds an enormous disservice. You don't care about that so long as you're being the parent you want to be. Fine, but you are not being the parent he needs you to be.

ExcuseTypos · 04/07/2014 08:04

I agree with YouAreMyRain.

I too have 2dds. They would never be allowed to climb trees in their dressing up clothes- two reason, one they will get ruined, two it isn't sage to do so. Why would anyone wear a long dress to climb trees?Confused

I'd take this whole episdoe as an excuse to buy some new "play clothes". He is upset about not wearing his dress to school, so tell him he's going to get some new, more appropriate clothes that he can wear to school, climb trees and get muddy in. You just have to be firm and tell him his dresses are for indoor play or outside if it is practical.

Show him some Internet photos of children climbing trees and talk about what they are wearing.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 04/07/2014 08:06

You know, I'm sorry to say yhis but I don't really understand why some parents allow their children to spend all the time in costumes. There is a place for everything, and IMO taking girls to the supermarket dressed like princesses equates to take them out in their pyjamas.

If you really feel that he should not be wearing costumes in non uniform days, you need to stop treating costumes as if they were normal day clothes.

306235388 · 04/07/2014 08:08

OP - when he wears normal clothes what does he wear? Eg to school / a party / wedding ...

ILoveCoreyHaim · 04/07/2014 08:10

I will ignore all the comments about my inability to say no, and my desire to get attention. I have already stated that I have no problem at all saying no when I think it important to do so. Until now, I didn't think this issue was important enough to make a stand on.

I find it really offensive that people who don't know me would jump to that conclusion just because I am doing something that they wouldn't do themselves.

I dont know anyone who would let their DC, male or female climb trees and get mud all over their very expensive princess/dressing up dresses. They cost a fortune. If going on a muddy walk they would be dressed for the occassion.

idk why you can't seem to understand this and think people are not liberal/against him wearing dresses. Most posters have states the opposite.

Bluebelljumpsoverthemoon · 04/07/2014 08:10

Your refusal to say no is the problem, the fact that you would even consider involving a teacher highlights how unwilling you are to enforce boundaries.

How difficult can it be to say no, dress up clothes are inappropriate in this situation? Just say no, not appropriate and stop worrying about his precious self esteem because indulging him will mean that he never develops any in the first place and what he does have will be shattered when he grows up and other people refuse to let him do whatever he wants.

There's a very simple way to help him overcome his obsession, put the dresses away and he'll have the choice of clothes left in his wardrobe. Within a week he'll have forgotten about them.

Delphiniumsblue · 04/07/2014 08:11

Having not gone yet as promised I would say that 306etc has hit the nail on the head. You need to start being the parent he needs you to be and not the one you want to be. All children are different, even in the same family, and you need to respond to the one you have and you wouldn't have the amount of problems that you have with him.
He is like the majority of children his age, but you are not prepared to stand firm and be unpopular.

LegoSuperstar · 04/07/2014 08:12

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 04/07/2014 08:12

Many years ago I taught a little girl in year 6 who came to school every day in a long cloak and a top hat. Once at school they were hung up and she only wore them to come in and go home.

She was bullied and no amount of discipline / talking about accepting others / being friends stopped it completely.

I had her mum in in tears as she couldn't understand why her daughter was being targeted. I gingerly brought up the cloak and hat - turns out it started as a 'phase' and had become so normal to them they barely acknowledged it. Mum said she loved that her daughter was 'famous' locally and seemed to revel in the quirkiness

The child suffered. It may have been out of order or stifling but I asked her to stop wearing it. She wasn't traumatised and the bullying stopped.

LegoSuperstar · 04/07/2014 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Delphiniumsblue · 04/07/2014 08:14

Mine had dressing up clothes when at home and they didn't go out in them- easily accepted and therefore no problem.

sanfairyanne · 04/07/2014 08:14

oh no, is this the 'food stealing five year old' mother?

ExcuseTypos · 04/07/2014 08:15

Op it boils down to:-

YOU don't want him to wear the dress.

The dress is unsuitable.

Because of the above two points- he doesn't get to wear a dress. That's the end of it!

zzzzz · 04/07/2014 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hawkmoon269 · 04/07/2014 08:21

Op, you're not really addressing what people are saying/asking here. Your son won't be "doomed" because he wears dresses. But as he gets older it will be more and more isolating for him and he needs to interact with other children for himself, not as "the boy in dresses."

To be honest I think I'm a bit biased because a) I fecking hate nylon princess dresses on pretty much any child (apart from dressing up games for a little bit) and b) I get infuriated when parents allow their child's quirks to mark them out as different and leave them open to being bullied. Quirky clothes - great! All the time - not so great.

It sounds as though your son is hiding behind these dresses and a few weeks of plain old shorts and tshirts might help him to become confident in himself rather than in this princess dress persona which marks him out as different.

And yes, I live in trendy, liberal north London but I know that children, parents and teachers would think it weird if a boy wore nothing but dresses. They just would. However PC they are or might like to be. And he will suffer if you don't flipping parent him and help him to fit in!

5madthings · 04/07/2014 08:22

Jayne our school is the same on non uniform days lots of the little ones go in fancy dress so if the ops school is the same it's not an issue.

My ds2, ds3 and ds4 have all loved fancy dress, ds2 went to London zoo in a buzz lighters out fit, ds3 loved fairy dresses and a party dress and had a tutu He wore with jeans, ds4 is 6 and obsessed with super hero's and out of school is pretty much in a super hero outfit of some kind, the only time I say no is if I think he will get too hot or sweaty or its inappropriate for the activity. So supermarket fine, trip to the beach not suitable.

Writerwannabe83 · 04/07/2014 08:23

Where do all these posters come from where it is considered normal for a boy to wear dresses to this extent???

I have come across a lot of children during my life and have never seen a boy in a dress out in public. I'd probably be Shock if I did!

My DH would be mortified if our son grew up and wanted to wear dresses all the time.

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