To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

[lecce]

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies .

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby . They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

OK - you don't like,the second half of that sentence - fair enough - but what about the first part - that you are giving in to tantrums?

cosikitty, boys wearing princess dresses outside of the home...ie to school or parties seems to be very much a Mumsnet thing.

I have never experienced it in real life or on any other internet forum.

Boys dressing up at home or nursery because the dresses are there to be played with/worn - yes. Boys wearing dresses to school/parties and no other kids laughing or batting an eyelid - no, not in my personal experience of real life.

It seems sometimes on Mumsnet that if you raise a daughter who wants to wear nothing but pink, sparkly Princess dresses - you have spectacularly failed as a parent.

But if you raise son who wants to wear nothing but pink, sparkly Princess dresses - you have spectacularly succeeded as a parent

I jest but after seeing so many of these threads, I can't help thinking it might be partly true...

I think the fact that it's a boy I a dress is a red herring. It's whether it's appropriate clothing or not. My elder son when small like the sparkly things in the dress up box, that's not unusual at all. The attachment to an obsessive extent about ANY item of clothing, way of eating, or other compulsion needs working on, in my opinion.

No place of work I've ever been in would let me wear a princess dress to work. And I'm female. Disneyland might, I guess, if I ever get a job there...

Seriously drop the encouraging him to wear dresses nonsense. He is a boy, it's ridiculous. In real life it's ridiculous. Do you really want him to be remembered as the boy who wore dresses, or look back at class photos where he stood out and not in a good way. There's no need make such a drama out of this, he will not be scarred for life.

If your son was a little girl that wanted to wear a grungy princess dress to school, the answer would still be the same. She would have to learn that there is a time and place for dress up. You're not stifling his identity by saying no.

Children are happiest when they have clear boundaries and black and white rules. When you let them be "in charge" by giving into tantrums, you're actually adding to their insecurity by giving them too much independence that they aren't developmentally ready for.

Okay.

Your 5/6 year old son only wears princess dresses outside of school, even on long muddy walks.

He apparently cannot conceive of any situation where he can't wear a tshirt and a pair of trousers. You talk about letting him down, but you have let him down already by getting into this situation. It might not be pretty, but you have a responsibility as a parent to get him away from this fixation.

It's not about dresses or genders. Someone up thread mentioned a football jersey. Replace the dress with the football jersey in your head and doesn't it sound ridiculous?

My ds got the mick taken out of him in Reception for having a slightly fluffy scarf. Some of the mature (and often more intelligent) kids can be very cruel.

I don't think you're trolling at all - that was why I said I was trying hard not to sound as if I was troll hunting!

My disbelief at the situation isn't because I don't think you're genuine; it's because I'm pretty surprised that you queried why your DS would ever have to stop wearing Disney princess dresses. I presume he'll have to take it off when he sits his A levels.

And I know he's five, and not at work, obviously, but we learn societal rules as we go along - not suddenly as adults. So appropriate stuff for appropriate occasions.

My older son can dress as Dolly Parton if he so chooses - but not at school. Because there's a uniform. And probably not at work experience, unless it's at Dollywood.

Picture the scene - non uniform day arrives, ds wears normal clothes, goes to school and daisy sitting next to him is in a princess dress - he will expect daisy to be reprimanded will he not?

If you say he can't wear it because reason x then he can't moan other parents have let their children wear them. Well, he can, but you need to just say 'suck it up kiddo'.

Ds wanted to take his Star Wars toys in for toy day one day - he adores them. I said no. He moaned but he didn't take them.

I'm all for respecting the child etc but stop making a drama out of a crisis - in life not everything needs debated and evaluated and discussed - sometimes no means no, for adults and children. It's a tough lesson to learn but learn e must and its your job to teach him it.

Yabu

DS1 (7) had a racing driver flame suit, it was amazing and he wore it out of school a lot when he was 5/6. He wanted to wear it to school for non-uniform day but I said no, he had to wear clothes as I didn't want it ruined. Although he wasn't happy he still managed to survive without it.

DS2 (2) will only wear smart shirts at the moment, he wants to wear them to preschool but I have said no as I don't want them ruined.

Sticking to your principles over this issue will not damage him. You may end up with a very ££ ruined dress though.

I have an extremely headstrong boy of 4.5, he usually listens better to someone else (teacher, family friend) than me, so I think asking the teacher to explain about practical clothes isn't unreasonable.

My DS isn't into dresses but sometimes wants to wear spiderman pyjamas or something else to go to the supermarket, he tends to co-operate well if i let him "choose" something else. Could your DS choose a t-shirt with Elsa on it as an alternative? He would still get to have his frozen dress up but in a more practical manner?

My ds is mad on football. He has several football kits and wears them pretty much constantly when not in uniform or pyjamas.

They are not allowed on non uniform day. He does not wear them. On school trip day they were allowed to wear anything but for practical reasons had to have their legs covered. Football kit was therefore not practical and he didn't wear one. I think both principles apply in this case.

Also I don't let either of my kids wear dressing up clothes on muddy walks because a: they're not practical and b: they cost a fair bit and I don't want them trashed.

Equally dd is 3 and wanted to wear her Cinderella costume to a wedding this weekend I didn't let her because i didn't deem it ok and also didn't want her twirling around expecting attention all day at someone's wedding.

Toughen up.

He needs to learn to be self confident without the dress, they are a prop that gets him attention. It's not a strategy that can continue through life. You need to find other ways to build his confidence. Same for a girl, same if is a hat, pair of sunglasses, flippers, tutu, whatever, he needs to be a person, not a person hiding behind a costume. Definitely don't let him wear a costume. I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask the teacher to clarify for the whole class that costumes aren't allowed. I would start to let the dresses get wrecked and progress them towards the bin. My kids didn't want to give up bottles but they had no choice when the teats wore out, same with the dresses. take him shopping to choose something else that isn't something for him to hide in. Boost his self confidence. Don't mention or speak about the dresses, give the dresses zero attention. Give lots of attention when he wears normal clothes. You need to get a handle on this before it becomes a long term confidence issue

Do not get him another dress for his birthday! I would say that for a girl as well, if the dresses are a problem don't buy more! And they are a problem if you fear tantrums etc if you tell him he can't wear them and have to get teacher involved etc. don't buy something that perpetuates the issue!

As a compromise could your DS wear shorts, tshirt and a short tutu skirt? Still has the princessy feel but more practical for running about. You can get them quite cheaply with an elasticated waistband which means they last a few years as DC grow also

Why are people suggesting the purchase of further problem items FGS?

^What Heels99 said.

The problem is not his gender it is whether or not a long polyester dress and cloak are appropriate for the activities of a normal school day in Reception and they are certainly not. A boy liking to dress up in princess clothes is fine but boy or girl refusing to wear anything else is decidedly odd and would concern me; as would any 5 year old being so obsessive about clothes.

can i be honest .my 14 year old loved dolls prams dressing up .in cousins dresses when little .has a dolls house .but no way would i have let him wear a girls outfit to school .i am sure our school would have objected .in the house yes maybe even out playing but school no way .

I agree with what others are saying. I wouldn't allow dds to wear there expensive disney store dresses or little heeled shoes to go out on walks or climb trees in as its not practical. I would simply say no, wear wellies and some pants. Do as someone above suggested, a frozen t shirt and shorts.

Also just because he likes wearing dresses as a 5 year old does not mean he will when he is an adult, he might but then again he might not. He could even say DM why did you let me wear dresses to school, look back and cringe about it.

No sorry op I really didn't call your son wierd at all. He's not.

Children do have fixations and many wonderful ways.

What is definatly wierd is a parent who allows their small child to rule the roost so much that they allow their child to wear completely inappropriate clothes to school and are so unable to say no to their child that they want the teacher to do it for them.

As for it being quite normal to see boys in princess dresses going for muddy walks or going about their daily business well in my 24 years as a parent I have never seen one and I would assume, if I did, that it was about the parents eagerness to be noticed as trendy rather than the serious choice of the child.

Like girls in tutus wings and wellies.

Yabu. You did ask!

happy I was going to agree with your last paragraph there but then I read the bit about tutu, wings and dresses. Dd often wore this combination when she was about 3, I promise I wasn't trying and failing to be trendy though!!