To ask the teacher to speak to ds about his non-uniform day choice?

[lecce]

I feel like I am always posting variations on this topic, so apologies .

ds2 (YR) has a non-uniform day coming up and wants to wear one of his princess dresses. He had dabbled in all things pink and 'girly' at school before and is happy fielding any comments that come his way. That is NOT the issue. The issue is more to do with the fact that this is a non-uniform day, not a dress-up day. I feel like the long dress, accessorised with cloak (yes, he's a Frozen fan) will get in the way of normal activities and be a step too far when everyone else, boys and girls, are in shorts and t-shirts. Also, he has four 'princess' style dresses and insists on wearing them every day after school and throughout the entire weekends. Therefore , they are all pretty tatty, frayed, and, well grubby . They all say not to machine wash, and he wears them climbing trees, on muddy country walks, just whatever we do. They are just not suitable to be seen in school all day. His birthday is in two weeks, and he has a new one for that, but I can't justify, and don't want to, spend any more on these expensive dresses between then and now. I keep an eye out in charity shops, but work f/t so not much time for that.

As well as this, I'm not even sure it's allowed for him to wear it to school anyway. So, my plan is to speak to the teacher and ask her to tell him, with me or dh present, why it is not the best choice. We have already told him he can't wear it and this has upset him greatly, and I want him to see that it is not just us 'laying the law down' for the sake of it, but that others, who he respects, see it as a bad choice too. I think I am basing this on something I read in HTTSKWL about involving experts etc, but I maybe misremembering it. A friend has said that I am 'getting a teacher to be the bad guy'. I don't see it that way, but I am concerned that the teacher may. I have told him no, and will continue to do so, but AIBU in involving the teacher in this way?

Not completely on topic (or at all, sorry), but you can machine wash most of the dresses even though they say not. I decided to test this after Rapunzel painted on herself... Put them in a wool wash inside a pillowcase if you want to avoid glitter in the washer drain, they should be fine.

I'd send him in with shorts and t-shirt under the dress then he can take it off if/when it becomes a nuisance.

Thank you, tyaca.

Napolean that is very helpful indeed. Lots to think about in there, and some practical advice too, thank you.

Someone said something about him not feeling comfortable in his own skin, and that has touched a nerve and made me feel sad for him, as if we have let him down in some way - if that is what is going on.

settingsitting - yes, you do indeed presume. No, I don't like the attention. I just want my son to be happy. I do have a tendency to over-think and to dramatise, but I am really just trying to make the right choices for my little boy. Clearly many things are 'obvious' and 'common sense ' to a lot of people, but they aren't to me.

People who are on at you about just saying no are being crass and thoughtless. He's exploring a lot of issues with his identity and the princess dresses are a huge part of that. It's not nearly as clear cut as a lot of people are making out so rudely.

Actually yes it is.

If something is not allowed at school, then it's not allowed at school.

My 3 DCs were very emotionally attached to their teddy bears/toy rabbit. They went absolutely everywhere with them.

But they absolutely could not take them to school, because they simply were not allowed.

This is something that caused them (all 3 of them) great distress but when push came to shove, they had to learn that if they were not allowed to take them to school, then no meant no.

Guess what? They're 22yrs, 15yrs and 11yrs old and they get that there are some things they just aren't allowed to do, no matter how upset they get about it.

So no actually, it's not 'crass and thoughtless'. It's what's known as learning to cope with your child's disappointment and helping them to move on and get over it.

A lesson they all have to learn I'm afraid.

I think it's extremely important to answer posts that are posed truthfully.

I am sure the op is a fantastic mum but in this instance she needs to out her foot down like we all have to do and say no.

Sorry but not sure where some if you live but sending a 4 year old to school in a cloak and a dress would be seen as fairly wierd where we live and at the school I work in

Who knows if he's exploring issues with his identity?

He might just want his own way. Kids do. Like over wearing gloves or one good touching another on the plate etc.

Far too much angst and overthinking here.

Get a grip on the toddler and you have a grip on the teen.

Sorry like not wearing gloves or one food touching another.

Bloody phone!

Well exactly worra

And seriously I do wonder how on earth some people have the time and energy for all these negotiations and over thinking of their children's actions.

Why is it only on MN that little boys go round dressed up as princesses? I never see this in real life.
Some boys occasionally put on a dress from the Reception class dressing up box, to much giggling and hilarity, and they seem aware that this is a bit out of the ordinary. But i have yet to come across a boy that dresses up to go out with his family.

Worra is talking a lot of sense.

Lots of children are emotionally attached to things, but they have to learn that there comes a time when they have to be parted for them in certain situations. You don't see hundreds of kids in school with comfort blankets, muslins, teddies, etc at school do you? That's because they have learnt that the school environment is not the right place for them.

Is fancy dress actually officially NOT ALLOWED though? Kids came wearing all sorts on our non uniform days, not all of it entirely appropriate but it was all allowed.

And there's nowt wrong with wearing a princess dress for the attention. I'm pretty sure that's why lots of little girls wear them, everyone says they look cute/beautiful = lots of positive attention.

Same goes with confidence - who doesn't feel more confident when they think they're looking good? :) If you take sex/gender out of this there's no issue.

The only issue is - is fancy dress allowed yes or no? The teacher will be able to clear this up for you.

Worra one of mine, the same one that had the sparkly dress, actually smuggled in a secret small cuddly toy in her rucksack for a while. Going without cuddly toys was a big deal to her too.

OP, if you are in education you will know a bit about transitional objects. It is not unusual for children to get very attached to certain cuddly toys or an outfit and start to believe themselves unable to cope emotionally without them. It is a way of creating certainty in their bewildering world. The answer isn't, however, to let them take cuddly toys to school - because they can get lost and that is more devastating. You don't let them wear princess dresses to school as it's not practical or appropriate and may result in more stress. You need to give them the confidence to go without these objects/clothing and see the world doesn't cave in.

You don't have to be mean about it and shout 'no' at them. When we found the hidden cuddly toy we talked about it and found a special place for it to sit to welcome her home and once or twice it even came to school to see her at home time (would you believe:)) You can be both firm and kind at the same time and that's the line I'd tread, understanding the strong emotion while helping them learn social norms and school rules.

Goodness knows cosikitty.
I am convinced that it happening in one area of the country [the Home Counties] and no other.
[It sometimes feels like just one street!]

I agree with what Worra and lots of others have said. It's not about a boy in a dress, I couldn't care less WHAT dressing up stuff/clothes it were - if you were to say he wants to wear bovver boots and a camouflage outfit all the time, it would be the same.

If it's not appropriate, he can't wear it. My DS1 is incredibly funny about some textures and HATES his school tops. He's 14 in August. He knows he has to wear them to school and has worn similar ones (polo shirts) since he was just four. At four, we had tantrums. At 14 (nearly), he changes as soon as he gets home, but he knows he has to wear them.

DS2 is nearly 2. He hates his shoes, and LOVES his slippers. Slippers are not happening for a walk down to our village. He cries, kicks and tantrums about this. So we don't go. And however long afterwards, he decides he wants to go for the walk so has the shoes on. He's 2 (nearly!). He's learning.

I think your son will have to learn too, tbh.

Yes to worra

lecce, I am afraid that you need to be strong for him. Boundaries and all that. Fighting his corner.
If you allow him to effectively do what he wants, he then has to face the probably not so nice consequences.
You need to protect him by being strong for him and saying no.

It sounds like in your heart of hearts you want to say yes anyway though. Can I ask why?
There seems to be something going on inside of you that makes you want to say yes to him.

Happy Fortunately he doesn't attend the school you work in. I have already stated his peers have seen him in dresses before with very little negative reaction. When I raised a similar issue with staff on a previous occasion, they were very supportive indeed. I am very glad indeed he does not attend a school where adults would be describing him as 'weird'.

I have already stated that if it is against the rules, he won't be wearing the dress. I had initially considered involving the teacher in telling him this, but have long since abandoned that idea upthread.

And whoever said they are 'trying very hard not to troll hunt' is not, in fact trying 'very hard'. A simple search of my user name will reveal all manner of posts the details of which corroborate this one. Why on earth anyone thinks anything on this thread is 'trollish' is beyond me. Some people must lead very sheltered lives.

Upthread you said it was his comfort blanket for him.
I think that it is for you too.

You are letting him down by giving into tantrums and thinking far too much of a five year old.

Or a badge of pride and difference

There was a boy in my dc's nursery class who insisted on wearing dresses and skirts etc.

I don't remember any children being mean about it at the time but 4 years later, that's what he's remembered for. Just the dresses.

I think the op is overthinking/angsting.

Just say no. Your ds will get over it (eventually). And there's no way any child should just wear princess dresses - children need to learn to wear what's appropriate. It's just not that complicated.

Eg My dc loves ice skating and every week wants to go wearing her favourite shorts or a skirt. And every week I say no, she must wear leggings/trousers so she's protected if she falls. Huge tantrum the first time. Barely a moan now because she knows it's non negotiable (and understands my reasoning).

I know 2 little boys who dress up in princess dresses and also 2 little girls who will only wear boys clothes and underpants. And I also know at least a couple of others who would love to do these things but their parents absolutely won't let them.

And I don't know that many children.

And I live up north in a very working class area.

So I suspect it's more common than you might think.

thinking far too much of a five year old.

I mean you are thinking of him as an adult, not as a child.

lecce maybe it's time to insist that your ds wears shorts/tshirts at least half the time. Honestly, children will notice and will remember the boy who wore dresses...

It's not kind or helpful long term.

You must live in Careville, op, for a boy who wears a princess dress into school not to have the piss ripped out of him... I don't think the staff were doing right by him at all by being very supportive.

I have read another of your threads.
Essentially you are letting him rule you. That is not a good long term strategy, and I think that you realise this.