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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't invite people over then charge them for dinner?

177 replies

Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 17:32

My DP has a group of friends he's known for years and every week, they get together at one if their homes for dinner. I rarely go as it clashes with my working hours but I made the effort to go for a special birthday dinner they'd put on for him.

The dinner was basically party food like mini sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. It was nice enough but there wasn't really enough for 8 people so I had quite a small portion. They also had bought a birthday cake for him then presented him with a present that they had all clubbed together to buy.

I was borrowing his ipad the other day when a message came through (as his ipad is linked to his phone through iCloud.) it shows it at the top of the screen so I couldn't help seeing it. It was from one of his friends asking him to ask me to contribute £5 towards the dinner.

I was quite annoyed at this because I have hosted people for dinner in the past and would never dream of asking my guests to contribute. The dinner was very small and wouldn't have cost £40, assuming he asked all guests for the same amount. I suspected they were taking the piss and trying to get extra money to pay for the cost of his present.

I brought it up with DP and he defended them, saying he always pays towards the dinner even though he's been invited as a guest. He acted surprised that I would even consider it rude and says he would always expect people to pay their way if invited to someone's house. He even says that when they rent a film from sky box office, they all pay towards that too. It's put me off going round there again if they are just thinking about how much they've had to spend!

What do you think? Is this quite mean of them or AIBU?

OP posts:
Canus · 02/07/2014 17:34

We'll if that's the arrangement they have, fair enough.

Your partner is presumably repaid when he hosts.

He might have been wise to explain it to you first though.

brokenhearted55a · 02/07/2014 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lanbro · 02/07/2014 17:35

YANBU but if this is the way things have always been for this group of friends they won't think it's odd or rude. Does it stem from student days when no one had much money? Pay your fiver and don't go again!

AryaOfHouseSnark · 02/07/2014 17:36

I don't think it's mean per se, a bit different maybe, it seems like it's something they have always done and it works for them.
does it stem from uni / younger days when they were all skint and it's just become a tradition ?

BlueberriesAndWine · 02/07/2014 17:36

It's not something I would do, but it sounds like something they usually do and are ok with as a group.

YANBU though, it's a bit odd!

expatinscotland · 02/07/2014 17:37

YANBU.

AryaOfHouseSnark · 02/07/2014 17:37

Oh x post lanbro

Keletubbie · 02/07/2014 17:37

YANBU. If they want your money in return for shit party food, they should have the decency to ask you beforehand.

ArcheryAnnie · 02/07/2014 17:37

Has he ever hosted?

Original poster
Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 17:38

He never actually hosts. That's the weird thing. There's one couple that always hosts and it's like they stick on interest as the amount they apparently ask for is so overpriced! They didn't even go to uni so it's very odd.

OP posts:
Preciousbane · 02/07/2014 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 17:39

Also, I'm annoyed he asked DP and didn't say it directly to me. He has my number so he could have done that. It made me feel like an inconvenience because I'm an extra mouth to feed lol.

OP posts:
AryaOfHouseSnark · 02/07/2014 17:39

Does the £5 cover drinks and a birthday cake too ?
It is very different, no one I know does it, but it's not something that would bother me too much.

Preciousbane · 02/07/2014 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenPetal94 · 02/07/2014 17:40

I am a member of a book group where we always get a takeaway or at Christmas get (lots of posh M&S) party food. We always split the cost. This works well as then it doesn't matter who hosts or how many come each time.

But this is obviously understood and communicated beforehand.

If you want to stay pals then pay the £5.

Icelollycraving · 02/07/2014 17:40

Was the £5 for both of you? That's ok,if that's the agreement I think it's fine. When he hosts,I assume he does the same?

KurriKurri · 02/07/2014 17:40

I'm not sure if you are BU. If its a sort of regular thing they do and take turns to host, then maybe they have come up with that agreement that they all contribute to the cost each time, that way I suppose if one person hosts more than others they don't always have the burden of the expense.
It's their thing and that's what they have agreed -so I don't think it is really a problem.

Was it your DP's birthday (wasn't sure if it was him or one of the others)? - if it was I think maybe he (and you, his partner)could have been excuse the cost this time - and I don't think you should be asked to contribute towards a present for him, because presumably you bought him your own present.

But maybe again,they always pay their way even if it's a birthday. I think you have to accept it's his group of friends, you don't often go, so how they run things is really up to them.

Anotheronebitthedust · 02/07/2014 17:41

Really tight, imo. No way a couple of sausage rolls and a cake would have cost that much even if it was waitrose finest! And even if it was, that's up to them, host pays for food. I can't imagine asking friends to contribute if I asked them round for dinner.

But what's even weirder is that they've asked him to ask you. For his own birthday meal?! God, you think to spare all that awkwardness and faff they'd just pay an extra 70p or so! Although, at least if they haven't come to you directly you can ignore it. If you don't want to pay it, don't. If he's that bothered about it he can pay the £5 and tell them it's from you.

"when they rent a film from sky box office, they all pay towards that too". What, so like 30/50p each? Odd!

BauerTime · 02/07/2014 17:41

Why didn't your DP tell you in advance that this was the way it worked? Sounds a bit odd to me tbh.

Fwiw though 40 could have made you all a descent-ish dinner rather than a plate of crap party food each. Splitting the coat of a sky box office film between 8? What's that 50p each? I'm sorry but id be embarrassed asking for that!

AryaOfHouseSnark · 02/07/2014 17:42

I doubt it's because you're an inconvenience, it's probably just a habit they have got in to. It's not like the first time they met you and had you over they could charge you £5 for dinner. Your dp probably just paid for you and has carried on doing it.

Original poster
Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 17:42

Well all I ate was a tiny portion of party food and a small slice of cake with a glass of coke. Hardly worth £5. The couple particularly annoy me as they invite the group over then complain loudly near the end of the evening about how they want their front room back to themselves and want peace and quiet. If they feel like that, why invite everyone round?!

OP posts:
Anotheronebitthedust · 02/07/2014 17:43

In relation to my msg above, I wouldn't ask for money with the proviso that everyone takes their turn. If I was the only one that ever cooked, but was happy to do so, then perhaps I would ask, but only for the costs, not to make a profit!

jaynebxl · 02/07/2014 17:46

If the same couple host regularly and others like your dp like going but never host then everyone sharing the cost seems fair to me. You may only have had a small portion but did you have a drink too?

Original poster
Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 17:46

The fiver was just for me which is odd. DP is adamant that guests should be charged. I think it's the way he was brought up. Even at his family dinners, everyone is expected to buy and bring along food for the meal for a contribution. My parents would just make a meal for everyone and not ever mention a contribution as they would view it as tight.

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 02/07/2014 17:54

I know of people like this. They're all middle of the road couples with average/above average salaries. A couple of them aren't happy with it and have sneaky suspicion who keeps this going - she's very petty in other day to day stuff so can imagine it's her. If everyone's happy to do it then fair enough - although like in your case you're not and I wonder how many of the other guests are 100% happy with this deal.

Personally I'd be ashamed to invite people over to then charge them. If I couldn't afford it I wouldn't do it. Confused

YANBU