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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't invite people over then charge them for dinner?

177 replies

Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 17:32

My DP has a group of friends he's known for years and every week, they get together at one if their homes for dinner. I rarely go as it clashes with my working hours but I made the effort to go for a special birthday dinner they'd put on for him.

The dinner was basically party food like mini sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. It was nice enough but there wasn't really enough for 8 people so I had quite a small portion. They also had bought a birthday cake for him then presented him with a present that they had all clubbed together to buy.

I was borrowing his ipad the other day when a message came through (as his ipad is linked to his phone through iCloud.) it shows it at the top of the screen so I couldn't help seeing it. It was from one of his friends asking him to ask me to contribute £5 towards the dinner.

I was quite annoyed at this because I have hosted people for dinner in the past and would never dream of asking my guests to contribute. The dinner was very small and wouldn't have cost £40, assuming he asked all guests for the same amount. I suspected they were taking the piss and trying to get extra money to pay for the cost of his present.

I brought it up with DP and he defended them, saying he always pays towards the dinner even though he's been invited as a guest. He acted surprised that I would even consider it rude and says he would always expect people to pay their way if invited to someone's house. He even says that when they rent a film from sky box office, they all pay towards that too. It's put me off going round there again if they are just thinking about how much they've had to spend!

What do you think? Is this quite mean of them or AIBU?

OP posts:
Kitsmummy · 02/07/2014 18:00

In fairness you don't need to buy many party food nibbles etc to hit £40 (especially if they're buying coke, cake too etc). As they're the ones who always host then I think it's fair to split the cost, I really doubt they're making a profit on providing (even limited) food and drink for 8 people at £40 !

fairylightsintheloft · 02/07/2014 18:01

if your DP(and by extension, you) never hosts then I can sort of see why they might do it. Me and ex used to do a weekly meal with about 3 other couples and it added significantly to the cost of the weekly shop. It was fine until for various reasons we ended up hosting it 3/4 of the time at which point I had to start asking for contributions. Was happy to cook and host but just couldn't afford to feed everyone a decent meal. It seems like a petty amount to ask for a fiver, but times that by only 3 or 4 and its hefty amount every week.

fairylightsintheloft · 02/07/2014 18:04

and the poster who said they'd be ashamed - does that mean if you're poor you can't have friends? I had a crowd of uni friends over a few months ago plus kids. About 25 people in all. My house is biggish and opposite a park and geographically in the middle (think 1-2 hr journeys for everyone) so I offered to host so that we could all be together for the first time in some years but had to ask everyone to bring stuff as there was no way I could have afforded to feed everyone. Was that not ok then?

longjane · 02/07/2014 18:05

Well saying they want their front back is just saying really it time to go home.

If they always hosting then why should they not charge as they have do the shopping ,cleaning , make time for doing it. All the others do is turn up and pay.
Just cos you had never heard about means you and DP don't talk to each other.

GerbilsAteMyCat · 02/07/2014 18:06

Well if there is one couple who always host the same group of friends I can why they all chip in. Why should one couple pay for everything all the time? This is weird but seems fair.

Mintyy · 02/07/2014 18:07

Oh cringe!!! How absolutely awful. Urgh. And who wants to have dinner with the same group of people every week anyway.

Nowt so queer I guess.

Imwoodword · 02/07/2014 18:09

My MIL once charged us for an early Christmas dinner she forced us to attend (150 mile round trip) the week before Christmas as DHs niece and nephew who live with their mother were there. So nothing surprises me.

YANBU.

Original poster
Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 18:18

I said it's always them but I didn't mean always. I meant usually - it varies between 3 people's homes but they offer the most frequently. I felt a bit awkward that they charged me the one time I went. I literally go maybe twice a year. Just seemed rather mean.

OP posts:
HappyYoni · 02/07/2014 18:37

I can understand you feeling disgruntled, but think you need to just suck it up, it's only a fiver, not a massive amount for dinner.

JumpRope · 02/07/2014 18:43

Maybe I've missed it, but why don't you and your dh ever host dinner parties? All seems quite immature, but if they've done it for years and years, I guess it's a kind of student hangover kind of socialising.

Original poster
Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 18:47

Because we aren't married and live in separate houses. I wouldn't want to host it as they're not really my friends and it would be odd. Dp lodges so it's not technically his house.

OP posts:
ItsDinah · 02/07/2014 18:50

How much did you spend on the bottle of wine/flowers you took as a gift for the hosts? Do they pay the £5 instead of bringing gifts?

Thumbwitch · 02/07/2014 18:51

If I was your DP, I'd just pay your £5 for you, tbh.

It sounds like an odd arrangement to me but if it's what he's used to then you're not going to be able to change his mind. If he never hosts, then it makes sense that he would contribute in some way, although perhaps taking along a pack of sausage rolls would be more in line with what I would do normally, not pay actual cash.

Having been in the "poor student" category, I still don't think that paying cash is normal - we used to go out and pay our own way, rather than split the bill, or each bring something to the party, whosever house it was in. It all evened out.

RoganJosh · 02/07/2014 18:53

I suppose if that's the way they do it, then that's just the way it is.

It's definitely unusual though. If money is an issue you normally would ask people to bring a course or take it in turns to host.

CoffeeTea103 · 02/07/2014 18:56

Yanbu, how cheap of his friend to ask for 5 pounds, I mean who does that Confused

Holdthepage · 02/07/2014 19:03

For £5 I couldn't be bothered getting annoyed about it.

erin99 · 02/07/2014 19:22

itsDinah might have hit the nail on the head. Any chance this evolved out of people bringing wine/chocs and hosting couples paying out for food? There's a certain logic to it, putting all the wine/choc/flower money into the pot and everyone sharing a meal from the proceeds, esp as it's such a regular thing and doesn't rotate round everyone.

But the fact your DP was emailed for your contribution says they are being petty about it.

LongTimeLurking · 02/07/2014 19:28

I think it is unreasonable to invite someone to dinner and them ask them to pay.

However it is your DH's friends so YABU to get involved if he is happy to pay them the £5 then leave them to it.

BauerTime · 02/07/2014 21:05

I just think its odd that a) you didn't know this arrangement already, and b) that your dp didn't tell you in advance. And c) - if I'm being perfectly honest - that he didn't just pay the 5 when his friend asked for it.

If one couple generally host then it makes more sense that everyone contributes rather than taking wine/flowers/chocs every week

5Foot5 · 02/07/2014 21:06

Sounds odd to me but I think I would just pay up and avoid going again.

But, if you are envisaging a long term future with DP maybe you need to address this:

DP is adamant that guests should be charged. I think it's the way he was brought up.

Not at all normal in my experience. I would be embarrassed if I asked friends round and then found out my other half was expecting them to make a financial contribution.

MissMilbanke · 02/07/2014 21:12

Errr very wierd.

AnsonsVoyageRoundTheWorld · 02/07/2014 21:13

Mmm, I'm a bit on the fence with this one. If this is the way this group works then I think it's ok. I think you can easily get to £5 a head too. The OP choose to have a small portion but she presumably could have had a big portion.

I love to host and to provide everything for my guests but I have absolutely no problem with people who ask you to bring a dish. It's nice to share the work and cost out between people.

carlywurly · 02/07/2014 21:16

This is a little odd but I guess if they host every week, it could get pricey to get food in every time, not to mention the hassle of shopping, clearing up etc. I would just suck it up this time.

Having said that, we were invited to a BBQ over 20 miles away the other weekend. We were asked to bring all our own food and drink. It was a really hot day and everything would have cooked on the way. I declined and we had one at home instead. Smile

arethereanyleftatall · 02/07/2014 23:09

The oddest thing in this thread is that you don't host because it's your dps friends. That's a cop out. Hosting is hard work and expensive, do your fair share. Yabu.

comingintomyown · 02/07/2014 23:22

Yep agree YABU and just pay your fiver and dip out in future

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