To think you shouldn't invite people over then charge them for dinner?

[Ellie6655]

My DP has a group of friends he's known for years and every week, they get together at one if their homes for dinner. I rarely go as it clashes with my working hours but I made the effort to go for a special birthday dinner they'd put on for him.

The dinner was basically party food like mini sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. It was nice enough but there wasn't really enough for 8 people so I had quite a small portion. They also had bought a birthday cake for him then presented him with a present that they had all clubbed together to buy.

I was borrowing his ipad the other day when a message came through (as his ipad is linked to his phone through iCloud.) it shows it at the top of the screen so I couldn't help seeing it. It was from one of his friends asking him to ask me to contribute £5 towards the dinner.

I was quite annoyed at this because I have hosted people for dinner in the past and would never dream of asking my guests to contribute. The dinner was very small and wouldn't have cost £40, assuming he asked all guests for the same amount. I suspected they were taking the piss and trying to get extra money to pay for the cost of his present.

I brought it up with DP and he defended them, saying he always pays towards the dinner even though he's been invited as a guest. He acted surprised that I would even consider it rude and says he would always expect people to pay their way if invited to someone's house. He even says that when they rent a film from sky box office, they all pay towards that too. It's put me off going round there again if they are just thinking about how much they've had to spend!

What do you think? Is this quite mean of them or AIBU?

I'm loving FastWindows comment about the ops basic hosting instinct..ops basic hosting instinct is to never, ever be the host

So to be clear OP, you aren't going to get to know your partner's friends because you don't want to partake in a social occasion that costs you a fiver?

I would host but I can't for practical and personal reasons. You know nothing about my living situation. You also know nothing about me, my income, what I do for people and how generous I am in other situations with people who are actually close to me, so dont call me names such as 'stingy'.

It's not a big deal - just thought the whole thing was a bit weird but others obviously feel differently so ok. No need for personal insults.

I find it incredibly crass to ask people for money after you have had them over for dinner.

It's not the same as bringing a token dish, bottle of wine or dessert to a big party that's about joining in the communal spirit of an occasion, to me it's the fact that somebody has assigned monetary value to sharing a meal with friends that I find so distasteful.

I completely agree with LaQueen and bakingaddict. There is NO way I would ever charge anyone for a measl in my house and I would absolutely not want to be friends with someone who did this. And, it sounds like totally shit food, not even something I would want to eat.

I have never, ever come across this in real life...MN is a very strange place at times.

I do understand taking up someones's offer of bringing a dessert and it is par for the course for guests to bring wine etc. But charging them for sausage rolls! My god!

The group's arrangement is that they meet every week, usually at the same person's house and everyone contributes to food. That seems totally reasonable considering that the OP and her DP never host themselves.

Do you all live in a world where if you have some friends over for a chat and a bottle of wine or two and you all decide to order in pizza, the person who owns the house foots the bill? Because I've always split the cost with my friends, which sounds pretty much what the OPs BF and his friends are doing (albeit with crappy buffet food instead of crappy pizza).

but the problem with the "bringing a bottle / dessert" thing is that the hosts end up with 12 different puddings that don't get eaten and they foot the bill for all the meat, nibbles etc. Regardless of if its a one off or a regular thing (but more so if it is regular) of course there is a "monetary value" on your friends' company - its called the price of food. Whether we like it or not, its bloody expensive now and to feed 6-8 people costs a LOT. As I said upthread, if you took the view that you could never ask for any kind of contribution, lots of people would be prohibited from every having anyone over - and if they never did host but turned up to be hosted by others with no meaningful contribution they'd get slated on here for being a freeloader. My cousin recently basically told me he wanted me to take over from my mum and starting hosting family get-togethers as my folks are getting a bit old - I have thought about it but I would have to ask them to bring stuff (and NOT just a cake / bottle) as I cannot afford to do what would amount to an extra weekly shop in that month. I know he would take a dim view of that so have not organised it (he is no hurry to take over himself either). Its also partly about the relationship you have with the particular group of people it is I think - I have done "normal" dinner parties of course but within limits. with close friends we either split it, or take turns.

OP did you take wine/ beer for the hosts? Or cake?

If I have people over to my house then it's my responsibility to feed them. To me it's as simple as that. I would never take money off people. If I can't afford the cost of take-out then I would get a few shop bought pizzas in but asking for money is still a no-no to me regardless of what my financial position may be

bakingaddict- would you host eight people nearly every week and pay for everything even if they never invited you to their house?

If you are referring to the OP then she explained why she couldn't host because her and her partner each live in shared accommodation. If they are all true friends then why don't they split things up. When me and DH were younger, not so much now as we work and have young kids and are knackered come the weekend, we would regularly have friends over.

We would provide the food and venue due to us having our own flat and then they would bring beer, wine and stuff like Dorito's and dips for later in the evening. Nobody was ever charged but costs for the evening were evenly distributed so the burden didn't fall to the same person/s. Friends IMO don't 'charge' each other

When we visit friends they do the same, or very often they cook a meal (I'm just about the only non-cook in our social circle).

That is the difference though. You sometimes cook for your friends and they sometimes cook for you so everything works out even. That doesn't happen in the OP's BF's social group. One couple do most of the hosting. OP and her BF never host.

I suspect that the group don't see it as "the host's food" but rather "the group's food" to which they all contribute.

If you are referring to the OP then she explained why she couldn't host because her and her partner each live in shared accommodation. If they are all true friends then why don't they split things up.

I'm not referring to OP. I asked if you would be happy to host dinner for eight people every week and pay for everything?

I think some people have missed point of this thread: we're not talking about an occasional dinner party, where it would indeed be weird to ask for cash.
The thread is about a weekly meet up between friends who all essentially club together to buy some party food. This is an arrangement they're all happy with. It's easy, it's fair, it means anyone can host and no one is out of pocket.
It's nonsense to compare it to a dinner party. Rather liken it to a picnic, or a takeaway pizza; everyone would and should contribute.

I have a group of friends who meet regularly. However two of us have much bigger houses and often end up hosting.

In the past I used to just pay for everything in the way I normally would when hosting a dinner party but since it became apparent (about 3 years ago) that this was not a reciprocal arrangement and 2 people were in essence funding all of the groups regular socialising (bar the token bottle that was brought) we changed the deal.

We now get takeaway and split the cost but the same two people still host. The wine that gets left over is "payment" for the washing up I do in my head.

I don't hassle anyone for cash but do expect them to chuck some money down for pizza/ chinese or whatever we have had.

I'm sure to outsiders this might look a bit odd but actually it works quite well and has allowed a really lovely evening to continue longterm - I for one could not have continued to pay to feed and water 10 people on a monthly basis.

It wouldn't matter if I hosted friends every week, I still wouldn't dream of charing them money to sit on my sofas and eat my food.

That's up to you. I don't think that they are charging people to sit on the sofa and eat "their" food though. The OP's BF and his friends have decided to have a meal together once a week and for everyone to contribute towards the meal.

I've just done some sums in my head (because telly is rubbish)....
A few years , let's say 3, x 52, £40 = £6000.
And mainly the same host.
And op thinks they're mean for asking for a contribution?
Yabu.

I think it is easy to say you wouldn't charge friends to eat in your house but when you are dumping 150 quid in the supermarket for the second time in two months to cook for the same group - only one of whom has ever reciprocated you might feel differently.

Your entertaining budget might be more generous than mine but the situation I was in really started to piss me off and I was thinking about withdrawing from the group.

The current situation with takeaway costs split doesn't irritate me at all though. Covering the cost of nibbles, the odd mixer and bottle of wine is fine and I still get left to do the majority of the clearing up.

I would bet money that this came about because the group realised they were always at the same house and that it wasn't fair and offered to chip in for food.