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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't invite people over then charge them for dinner?

177 replies

Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 17:32

My DP has a group of friends he's known for years and every week, they get together at one if their homes for dinner. I rarely go as it clashes with my working hours but I made the effort to go for a special birthday dinner they'd put on for him.

The dinner was basically party food like mini sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. It was nice enough but there wasn't really enough for 8 people so I had quite a small portion. They also had bought a birthday cake for him then presented him with a present that they had all clubbed together to buy.

I was borrowing his ipad the other day when a message came through (as his ipad is linked to his phone through iCloud.) it shows it at the top of the screen so I couldn't help seeing it. It was from one of his friends asking him to ask me to contribute £5 towards the dinner.

I was quite annoyed at this because I have hosted people for dinner in the past and would never dream of asking my guests to contribute. The dinner was very small and wouldn't have cost £40, assuming he asked all guests for the same amount. I suspected they were taking the piss and trying to get extra money to pay for the cost of his present.

I brought it up with DP and he defended them, saying he always pays towards the dinner even though he's been invited as a guest. He acted surprised that I would even consider it rude and says he would always expect people to pay their way if invited to someone's house. He even says that when they rent a film from sky box office, they all pay towards that too. It's put me off going round there again if they are just thinking about how much they've had to spend!

What do you think? Is this quite mean of them or AIBU?

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 06/07/2014 11:54

Phaedra exactly.

Laqueen I suspect your friends wouldn't dare tell you if they had fallen on hard times. And do you really only have friends you have known for years and who have plenty of money?

BerylStreep · 06/07/2014 12:07

I must admit it sounds a bit weird and rude, however you were there as your DP's guest, so it is up to him to sort it out between his friends - he shouldn't be asking you for a contribution.

Having said that, I host Christmas dinner every year for my extended family, with 20 people round the table, and drink flowing. It costs a small fortune, and I could be talked round to the attraction of charging for dinner Wink

Takingthemickey · 06/07/2014 12:09

OP your DP is the cheap one, not his friends. Dump him

PuppyMonkey · 06/07/2014 12:44

Sorry if I've misunderstood this , I can't quite get my head round it - but was the DP invited over for his birthday do and then charged for it ? I mean, fair enough for the regular weekly gathering, but for his birthday party he still paid ? Confused

bakingaddict · 06/07/2014 12:53

I get that this group of friends might have a kitty thing going as a way of having a cheap night out but it's the actively seeking her contribution from her DP on what was supposedly his birthday celebration that seems a little grabby especially as she turned up with beer and wine anyway. It's that aspect that makes me think that something is amiss with this arrangement

SuperGlue · 06/07/2014 14:01

Someone (think it was whatever5) apologies of it was not you, can't scroll back to the other page just now, said if this arrangement works for the group then so what, everyone's happy. But surely the whole point of the OP's post is that SHE was not happy and it does NOT work for her and if she is to continue the relationship with her non-live-in partner then she will either have to opt out of these meet ups or the group perhaps should re-look at their arrangements to make sure that ALL members of the group are actually happy. Seems like this is a left-over arrangement from student days or something.

Having thought about it some more, I actually think in this situation I would be a lot happier about ordering a take-away once a month and everyone orders what they like and split the bill 10 ways or whatever. In this case I would not be taking a bottle of wine / beer for the 'host' Hmm but just what I drink myself, so as the OP is a non drinker then just a soft drink / juice/water etc.

On an aside, I am a good cook and love to entertain and we have the space to do so and over the years I have hosted a LOT of dinners / sunday lunches for friends and large get togethers for family. I have always enjoyed doing this. However over the years I did notice a few 'friends' who never seemed to reciprocate and it began to irk me so I stopped inviting and guess what...they drifted by the wayside. I am not hugely sorry about this as I would rather know the truth about 'friendsships'. When I got busier with work over the past 2 years and could not entertain as often as I used to, I also noticed that other friends stepped up to the mark and invited us around or out for coffee - whatever - it didn't matter to me once they were making an effort to keep the contact going.

OP, if I were in your shoes, I would not feel very welcome in that particular group.

phantomnamechanger · 06/07/2014 14:26

I can't get past the bit about it being a "special birthday dinner" - when it was just kids party nibbles by the sounds of it. That's not a special birthday dinner for a group of adults! I also think that once a week is a bit OTT - one a month or once a quarter would be fine for me , once a week is too much of a commitment to build our lives around, but if that's what they are happy with, fine.

No problem in having a kitty if its always the same people hosting - that's only fair, unless its a bring a plate of food do.
Same for hosting big family BBQs or xmas dinners. Not everyone who has the space to host can afford to feed loads of guests. So I can quite see why guest would be asked to chip in, as long as this is known in advance and not sprung on people that's fine.

whatever5 · 06/07/2014 16:14

Someone (think it was whatever5) apologies of it was not you, can't scroll back to the other page just now, said if this arrangement works for the group then so what, everyone's happy.

I didn't get the impression OP is part of the group though. They are friends of her BFs and she has only been to their house a couple of times by the sounds of it. She didn't even know that their arrangement was that everyone should contribute until she read his e mail.

PhaedraIsMyName · 06/07/2014 16:54

SuperGlue are you serious? These close friends have devised a system which allows them to have a weekly get together with food at minimal cost and they should change it because it doesn't fit one of them's new girlfriend's notion of what a dinner party should be?

So what if it's a left-over from their student days?

SuperGlue · 06/07/2014 17:04

I am serious! I think that it is not working as a group any longer if it does not work for everyone in the group and if the OP and her OH are serious about each other and the OP is going to be either excluded (on the basis that she is not part of 'the group') or she has to stump up the money for crap food and feel uncomfortable about it all every single week. Only she can decide what she wants to do. When dh and I get together (15 years ago) I would not have been enamoured at this arrangement. And I love socialising!

whatever5 · 06/07/2014 17:26

Why should the group change the way they should do things because one of them now has a girlfriend who doesn't like the system even though she rarely attends anyway and isn't able/willing to host herself?

randomAXEofkindness · 06/07/2014 17:56

I would never charge guests at my house - I'm cringing just thinking about it - but I can understand how others might find it an acceptable arrangement. That said, no agreement was sought from the op to pay towards the meal beforehand so it is unreasonable to suggest that she owes the group something afterward.

By the by, I would be happy and comfortable contributing a dish/drinks if a host requested it, but I wouldn't feel comfortable paying to dine at someone's house. I think the op's dp is mistaken to think that his group's set-up is normal; I'm sure it's quite unusual and that is why the op feels so uncomfortable. It is bad etiquette on the group's part to expect those guests who aren't privy to their odd arrangement to be included in it.

Mmeh · 06/07/2014 18:02

FGS, it's a fiver. Just pay it and move on!

Dh and I host dinner parties regularly, in fact we held one last night. Of course I wouldn't charge guests for food on such an occasion.

We also have a group of friends that we meet up with regularly at restaurants or sometimes when babysitting is impractical we might have a takeaway at one of our houses. It's the done thing to then split the bill between us whether we eat in or out! Likewise we often host normal home-cooked suppers with this group, which of course we don't charge for but there's a mutual feeling of give and take among us.

Recently a bunch of girlfriends and I decided to break the tradition of eating out on an annual occasion and eat in instead, where we all felt it would be nice to eat an amazing meal with good wine in a nice garden (in which I volunteered to host!). It just seemed to flow that everyone would pay a contribution towards it... I don't think anyone expected me to fork out £150 or whatever it cost for an occasion that normally takes place in a restaurant where we all pay our share. Admittedly I did feel a bit strange about it but it was an upfront arrangement and if people didn't want to come on that basis that was fine... Everyone came anyway so clearly wasn't that crass.

Anyway, horses for courses... I guess it just depends on the occasion. Just pay and let it go. It's pretty Marie Antoinette-ish of you to question it tbh, as perhaps the hosts are really hard up so perhaps some empathy would be good.

PhaedraIsMyName · 06/07/2014 18:32

random you are completely missing the point of this arrangement. What is so difficult to understand? They are not "dining at someone's house". The venue is irrelevant. It's a very cheap way of getting a weekly get together with food for what is presumably a very close bunch of friends.

superglue as far as we can tell the only person it's not working for is the OP.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2014 18:42

So, laqueen, rather than agreeing with the op which you intimated in your first post, what you actually would have done if you were the host in the ops situation, is 'dumped' her and her dp...

Bouttimeforwine · 06/07/2014 18:54

Probably the birthday person doesn't pay, hence he didn't pay for her.

I couldn't do loads of nice party food for only £35. The cake will take nearly a tenner, 3 bottles of coke at least a fiver. You don't get many party food packs for £20. That's say 6/8 packs of things. Not a huge amount of food for 8.

On such a regular basis, it's an easy arrangement that doesn't require any thought. Everyone knows the score each week. It doesn't matter who does it. It's probably evolved into this.

Different to normal hosting rules.

Original poster
Ellie6655 · 06/07/2014 18:59

Just to add, I'm not a 'new' girlfriend, I've been with Bf 3 years but don't often see these particular friends of his as they're his friends from college and I always feel an outsider when I go round. Lots of in jokes and conversations I can't join in with. Whenever it's one of their birthdays, they call it a special birthday dinner.

Bf is a bit tight himself in the way that we always have to split everything down to the last penny and he will never buy me anything like a coffee etc when out despite me doing this for him. Maybe I need to rethink my life!

OP posts:
whatever5 · 06/07/2014 19:14

Three years seems relatively "new" to me but perhaps that is because I am old! It seems a bit odd that you're bothered by the perfectly reasonable arrangement he has with his friends regarding their weekly meal when your BF is the type of man who won't even buy you a coffee went you are out. That seems like a much bigger issue to me.

LittleBearPad · 06/07/2014 19:15

You certainly need to consider whether it is acceptable that your Bf is tight. It would irritate me to high heaven but you may find it acceptable.

Pay the money this time and never go again.

eddielizzard · 06/07/2014 19:54

oooh you're onto a real winner there.

BerylStreep · 06/07/2014 20:40

Oh dear, splitting down to the last penny isn't good, IMO.

SuperGlue · 06/07/2014 20:42

Three year is not a new girlfriend! 3 months is a new girlfriend. But after three years I would think that OP and her bf are an established couple and I think it speaks volumes that this group of friends make little or no effort to include the OP in their plans. This would piss me off no end if I were in the relationship.

As for being with a tight partner, that is a HUGE no go for me! It is one trait I despise. Seems like this is part of his 'friendship culture' - keeping tabs on exactly who spent what etc. So perhaps for him it is normal. However, I would think long and hard about a future here. That is NOT how I would want to live my life. I guess we have seen on this thread, it's horses for courses and there's nowt as queer as folk!

Good luck OP

PhaedraIsMyName · 06/07/2014 22:45

Super OP says she rarely goes to meet these friends. It's up to her if she wants to go along and she doesn't as it clashes with her work. Presumably she works evenings and they don't.

edwardcullensotherwoman · 06/07/2014 23:13

YANBU that is an odd setup, however long they've been doing it. I host 3 or 4 old school friends every month or so, I usually provide food (mostly pizza/snacks rather than full meal) and at Christmas I do a buffet. They all bring something to drink but I've always got extra just in case. I always host as one friend lives away so stays with her mum locally, and the other 2 currently live with parents to not so easy to host.

I wouldn't dream of asking for a contribution from them, ever!

PhaedraIsMyName · 06/07/2014 23:28

But you're doing it "every other month or so" for 3 or 4 people not every week for 8. Completely different.

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