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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't invite people over then charge them for dinner?

177 replies

Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 17:32

My DP has a group of friends he's known for years and every week, they get together at one if their homes for dinner. I rarely go as it clashes with my working hours but I made the effort to go for a special birthday dinner they'd put on for him.

The dinner was basically party food like mini sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. It was nice enough but there wasn't really enough for 8 people so I had quite a small portion. They also had bought a birthday cake for him then presented him with a present that they had all clubbed together to buy.

I was borrowing his ipad the other day when a message came through (as his ipad is linked to his phone through iCloud.) it shows it at the top of the screen so I couldn't help seeing it. It was from one of his friends asking him to ask me to contribute £5 towards the dinner.

I was quite annoyed at this because I have hosted people for dinner in the past and would never dream of asking my guests to contribute. The dinner was very small and wouldn't have cost £40, assuming he asked all guests for the same amount. I suspected they were taking the piss and trying to get extra money to pay for the cost of his present.

I brought it up with DP and he defended them, saying he always pays towards the dinner even though he's been invited as a guest. He acted surprised that I would even consider it rude and says he would always expect people to pay their way if invited to someone's house. He even says that when they rent a film from sky box office, they all pay towards that too. It's put me off going round there again if they are just thinking about how much they've had to spend!

What do you think? Is this quite mean of them or AIBU?

OP posts:
doobledootch · 02/07/2014 23:28

If a group of friends get together regularly but the hosting isn't split equally then this arrangement makes perfect sense, if they didn't all chip in those in the group who host would be spending far more than everyone else.

weeblueberry · 02/07/2014 23:30

Maybe they're only charging you and your DP because everyone else takes a go at hosting except you and he? If that's the case they might see it as mooching.

Somethingpink · 02/07/2014 23:48

Yanbu

Dps auntie charges her children and sister for christmas dinner..£5 per adult £2.50 per child. Confused

I don't understand it all!!

Tigerbike · 03/07/2014 00:38

YANBU. Send a tenner and ask if they're ok for milk and bread.

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/07/2014 00:57

I don't think it's outrageous. If as a group of friends they want to meet regularly (which is a good thing, I can't stand people who are "oh my family are all I need) all they are doing is making a house the venue rather than a pub.

If they went for a pub meal once a week you'd expect each person to buy their own food and have a kitty for drink. How is this any different?

By your way of thinking your husband would never contribute anything but would get a free dinner every week.

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/07/2014 01:04

Personally I'd be ashamed to invite people over to then charge them. If I couldn't afford it I wouldn't do it

But they're not "inviting people over" It's not a dinner party, it's one couple providing a venue every week so a group of friends can meet up and everyone is chipping in. I'm completely failing to see what's making so many of you outraged.

justiceofthePeas · 03/07/2014 01:20

Was there alcohol supplied?
Did you bring wine with you?
Do you take a bottle/gift to your parents house when they invite you for the all expenses paid meal.

If you brought wine then YANBU. Or if you were intending to reciprocate the offer and host. Otherwise this is their normal deal and they are happy with it but don't go again if you are not fussed.

And presumably you were not supposed to know they asked dp to pay for you. Presumably he would have paid on your behalf as technically you were his guest.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/07/2014 01:31

Their arrangements clearly suit them. You're a new date, so you don't get to order them all to behave differently for your benefit.
And you seem to be whining mostly about the fact that you didn't get value for money - are you the sort of person who goes out for a meal with friends and then wants to pay less than everyone else because you only had a mineral water and the smallest pizza?

Morloth · 03/07/2014 01:56

If that is the standing arrangement then I think you have to decide whether you want to go or not. Not expect them to change to how you think it should be done.

When I was a youngun' we were all always broke so always either contributed cash or food and booze to get togethers.

Now of course as grown ups we can afford to host people, but I will still turn up with stuff, as of course do all my friends.

sykadelic · 03/07/2014 02:27

My sister and her DH had an agreement with another couple that they would switch weekends (I think it was every other weekend they met up) and the person who went to the friends house, took beer/alcohol, and they'd switch.

Started to be that the friend ALWAYS wanted it at their house. A few times DSis and BIL didn't really notice, but then when BIL said "I brought the beer last time" they said "it's at our house so you have to bring it" and a fight ensued and they're no longer friends (there was a little more to it than that). My sister and BIL realised they were being used for alcohol and the friendship was really one-sided.

OP - it does sound a bit like the friends are being used for money. Nice little profit happening for the people that keep hosting it by sounds of it. BUT on the other hand, if the friends are okay with it, then don't worry about it.

MrsCakesPremonition · 03/07/2014 02:39

It's not really a dinner party with formal invitations though it is?
It sounds like an long-standing, informal arrangement where friends meet up at each other's houses and everyone chips in for the food and entertainment. There aren't many places you can go out for a night with your friends for only £5 per head.
It is odd to ask you for £5, perhaps they think you are going to be a regular feature and have decided to treat you as one of the group. Personally, I'd would have overlooked the money in their shoes, but not if you were coming along every week.

FastWindow · 03/07/2014 02:40

It's a small price to pay to be rid of such cheapskate people. And get a new dp, who shares your basic hosting instincts by the way Grin

Sleepysheepsleeping · 03/07/2014 03:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 03/07/2014 05:05

The whole situation sounds strange.

All this palaver around food, even from the partners family.

I'd be heading for the hills. I just wouldn't be able to trust any of them.

Fastwindow is spot on.

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/07/2014 07:52

Many of you are spectacularly missing the point of this arrangement. It is not a dinner invitation. A group of 8 friends have an arrangement that they meet once a week in 1 of 3 houses and the food costs all of them £5 per head. Do you think it's fair the ones who provide the venue should always pay for all the food which would happen every 3rd week or more often?

It's basically a very cheap night out for all concerned. Stop fixating on it being in one of their houses which is irrelevant. They could meet in a pub once a week and it would cost a lot more for all of them.

I'm astonished you think £40 for a buffet for 8 leaves a profit, goodness knows what you'd provide. I couldn't cater for 8 for under £40.

cricketpitch · 03/07/2014 09:06

Agree with Phaedra.

Also did you bring wine/flowers/chocs as a gift for the hosts which is the norm for a dinner party? If not then you can't have it both ways.

You read about the request for the contribution on your DPs e-mail - YOU were not asked for money direct. DP could have simply paid and not mentioned it.

We used to have an arrangement with a group of Mums at the school. Once every two months or so we'd all meet up, usually at someone's house, and we'd all contribute. Fine.

sanfairyanne · 03/07/2014 09:19

sounds like a long standing arrangement for practical purposes

Joysmum · 03/07/2014 09:23

YABU for trying to change a long standing arrangement that friendship group is happy with.

We tend to have the hosts doing the main meal, guests bring pudding, starter, nibbles and any special drinks if they don't want what's in our cupboard.

We love doing this, been doing it for the past 20+ years since college. It's a long term tradition to us and we couldn't give a fuck what anyone else thinks.

MaxPepsi · 03/07/2014 09:26

If they specifically ask you for dinner then it's weird.

If it's a get together, which this seems to be, bringing food/contributing to food is ok.

However, £40??? That should feed about 20 people not 8 - and then there wasn't enough food anyway!

jaynebxl · 03/07/2014 09:51

How on earth would you feed 20 people on 40 quid including cake and drinks Max? Especially since they bought party type food and didn't cook lentils and rice.
I agree with Phaedra too. It wasn't a dinner larty it was a regular gathering of mates where everyone mucks in and frankly of the op can't just muck in too I don't give her relationship with her boyfriend much of a chance. These are his long standing mates. You don't have to become best buddies with them but they're obviously important to him.

MissDuke · 03/07/2014 10:05

I also think it is reasonable given that neither you or oh ever host. The norm would be for everyone to share hosting therefore there would be no need for people to pay. I think given how regular they meet up, it would be very unreasonable to not contribute. I appreciate that you feel you shouldn't as you rarely go and don't know them well, but conversely why should they cover the cost of your share when you aren't their friend?

whatever5 · 03/07/2014 10:07

I'd much rather pay £5 once a week to have dinner at someone elses house than host a dinner for eight people myself. It would save me the hassle of cooking, cleaning, shopping and it is also much cheaper than eating in a restaurant. Obviously your DP feels the same as do the rest of his friends. I doubt that the couple who host are making a fortune out of this if they provide food for £5.

If you think it is so unfair, don't go in the future or start hosting some dinners yourself.

gingercat2 · 03/07/2014 10:20

I would hope that if you hadn't seen the email that your DP would have paid the money "for" you, seeing as you were there in your role as his partner and made a special effort for his benefit.

MaxPepsi · 03/07/2014 11:36

It all depends where you shop I suppose Jayne and what type of food you are doing - but the OP mentioned party food - cocktail sausages and rolls etc

Dead easy in my opinion to feed 20 for £40 - granted that wouldn't include the drinks - but I could probably still manage a few jugs of supermarket own brand pimms within that too and still get a cake

I used to do cricket teas, you get to be quite adept at feeding the masses on not a lot of money!

whatever5 · 03/07/2014 11:39

It might be possible to do party food for 20 for £40 but why should they if the group of friends are happy to pay £5 for nicer food???