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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you shouldn't invite people over then charge them for dinner?

177 replies

Ellie6655 · 02/07/2014 17:32

My DP has a group of friends he's known for years and every week, they get together at one if their homes for dinner. I rarely go as it clashes with my working hours but I made the effort to go for a special birthday dinner they'd put on for him.

The dinner was basically party food like mini sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. It was nice enough but there wasn't really enough for 8 people so I had quite a small portion. They also had bought a birthday cake for him then presented him with a present that they had all clubbed together to buy.

I was borrowing his ipad the other day when a message came through (as his ipad is linked to his phone through iCloud.) it shows it at the top of the screen so I couldn't help seeing it. It was from one of his friends asking him to ask me to contribute £5 towards the dinner.

I was quite annoyed at this because I have hosted people for dinner in the past and would never dream of asking my guests to contribute. The dinner was very small and wouldn't have cost £40, assuming he asked all guests for the same amount. I suspected they were taking the piss and trying to get extra money to pay for the cost of his present.

I brought it up with DP and he defended them, saying he always pays towards the dinner even though he's been invited as a guest. He acted surprised that I would even consider it rude and says he would always expect people to pay their way if invited to someone's house. He even says that when they rent a film from sky box office, they all pay towards that too. It's put me off going round there again if they are just thinking about how much they've had to spend!

What do you think? Is this quite mean of them or AIBU?

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 03/07/2014 11:46

But one person isn't happy to pay £5 for bog standard party food that there wasn't enough of anyway.

Hence why some posters have suggested they have scammed the OP and their other guests by charging to much for food as £40 should easily feed 8 people but it didn't. Even with a cake it should still be enough.

Alcohol and drinks have never been mentioned.

gobbynorthernbird · 03/07/2014 11:49

I doubt that the friends cost each meal, unless they are professional caterers, so the fiver is probably a flat rate. I would think that it evens out over the years.

I don't see a problem with this arrangement at all but, more to the point, the DP and his friends are all happy.

JaceLancs · 03/07/2014 11:49

I am part of a social type group that does something similar
We met on a college course and when it ended all decided we wanted to stay in touch
We take it in turns to host - everyone contributes a fiver, there are normally 8-10 of us and we meet on average once a month. As we always go out too around Xmas/new year it means each only needs to host once a year roughly - which means we can all make a special effort, and tbh for £40-50 you can do a pretty lavish spread
We all have very varying financial circumstances and originally decided so that no one felt they could not afford to participate - those who are more affluent or savvy shoppers often provide more than budget anyway. If I find a nice whole salmon on offer I stick it in the freezer and think that'll be a nice addition when it's my turn to host

lottieandmias · 03/07/2014 11:52

YANBU - it's particularly rude to ask people for money after the event. If they wanted a contribution they should have asked people to bring a bottle or something.

If I were you I would refuse to pay.

Joysmum · 03/07/2014 11:58

My DP has a group of friends he's known for years and every week, they get together at one if their homes for dinner

Anyone who thinks as a newcomer to this arrangement that they can change the agreement between a group of friends is a twat. Don't go again if you feel that strongly.

eddielizzard · 03/07/2014 11:59

this is crass. i would be very Confused about it, but if i were invited again i'd ask what food contribution i could bring (ie. in lieu of money), if i generally enjoyed myself when there, otherwise i'd decline.

i would pay their measly £5 this once. some people just have no clue.

lottieandmias · 03/07/2014 12:03

I agree you can't stop other groups of people doing what they want. But the OP is entitled to object to being a part of it herself.

Provencalroseparadox · 03/07/2014 12:12

If it's one person always doing the entertaining I can see why they might organise themselves like this. If they take turns then the cost is spread evenly anyway.

Personally I wouldn't do it though.

whatever5 · 03/07/2014 12:28

But one person isn't happy to pay £5 for bog standard party food that there wasn't enough of anyway.

She isn't part of the group though is she? This is a one off for the OP and personally I would just pay the £5 rather and not go again rather than make a fuss and go on to DH/DP about how unreasonable his friends are etc.

whois · 03/07/2014 12:31

Anyone who thinks as a newcomer to this arrangement that they can change the agreement between a group of friends is a twat. Don't go again if you feel that strongly

Exactly. It's a long standing arrangement which the group are happy with. OP needs to keep her beak out.

Sallystyle · 03/07/2014 12:33

I think the main thing here and what is tight, is that your partner just didn't pay for you when he assumably gave his friend his £5

Sallystyle · 03/07/2014 12:34

presumably.

mosaicone · 03/07/2014 12:35

At Easter my brother and I did a huge feast, really special for 8 adults and 7 children. No way could we have covered the cost so everyone copied in, 5 pounds per adult, half for the kids. BUT this was made clear in advance and was part of the idea. It only covered the meat and veg, booze was up to everyone to bring.
We quite often do this for bbqs etc, none of us could afford to feed several other people.

sanfairyanne · 03/07/2014 12:37

i agree with U2
why didn't your boyfriend pay your contribution when he paid his?

lottieandmias · 03/07/2014 12:39

Good point, U2

Sallystyle · 03/07/2014 12:40

Is assumably even a word?

MaxPepsi · 03/07/2014 12:42

She isn't part of the group though is she? This is a one off for the OP and personally I would just pay the £5 rather and not go again rather than make a fuss and go on to DH/DP about how unreasonable his friends are etc.

No, so as a one off you'd think either they'd be generous and let it slide as it is for her a dinner invitation, not the normal mass meet up, or they would have got her DP to pay it in the first place. Or even better, asked her beforehand for the contribution. As the host has not even bothered asking her for it direct it suggests they know they are wrong to ask for it.

I find it weird it's never come up in conversation between the OP and her DP though before now.

Original poster
Ellie6655 · 03/07/2014 12:46

Wow some really harsh responses here. To the person who suggested I was a 'twat' for trying to 'change' the arrangement - I don't want to change it and never said that. Have never voiced what I thought in a negative way to DP, just asked if that's the done thing and he told me what he thought. I will not go to theirs for dinner again and I also stated that ,so don't worry about me coming in and criticising their arrangement like a spiteful outsider. I am polite and wouldn't say this to them, I just felt in my own mind it was odd as my family and I are quite generous and wouldn't charge our friends for tesco value party food when we had asked them to come over in the first place.

Think I will stick to my own friendship group from now on.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 03/07/2014 13:09

yes, why didn't your dp pay for you when he paid for himself?

Jackie0 · 03/07/2014 13:22

This is all really weird . I wouldn't go with him next time.

VanitasVanitatum · 03/07/2014 13:31

But maybe if they host every time they just can't afford to provide even tesco value party food.

I think it's nice that they included you but if you really think they are in the wrong just don't go again, as you've said. Shame not to get to know your dh's friends though.

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/07/2014 13:53

The only person in the wrong is your partner for not explaining what the set up was; namely you weren't going to a swanky dinner party but a casual weekly muck-in together where everyone adds to the kitty.

Although frankly if (a) this has never come up in conversations with him given it's a weekly event and (b) you actually imagine there are people who are happy to feed a party of 8 every week the problem is with you and him not the friends.

whatever5 · 03/07/2014 13:57

No, so as a one off you'd think either they'd be generous and let it slide as it is for her a dinner invitation, not the normal mass meet up, or they would have got her DP to pay it in the first place. Or even better, asked her beforehand for the contribution. As the host has not even bothered asking her for it direct it suggests they know they are wrong to ask for it.

It would suggest to me that they assume either that her DP has told her how it works or he is going to pay the money himself.
Ultimately there is nothing wrong with the groups arrangement and in OP's position, I really couldn't be bothered to get annoyed or argue with DH/DP or his friends over a couple of pounds.

Chunderella · 03/07/2014 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 03/07/2014 16:23

How bizarre to not want to be friends with someone because of a fiver. Who the stingy person is is coming out loud and clear from your posts and it isn't them.

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