To think you shouldn't invite people over then charge them for dinner?

[Ellie6655]

My DP has a group of friends he's known for years and every week, they get together at one if their homes for dinner. I rarely go as it clashes with my working hours but I made the effort to go for a special birthday dinner they'd put on for him.

The dinner was basically party food like mini sausage rolls and cocktail sausages. It was nice enough but there wasn't really enough for 8 people so I had quite a small portion. They also had bought a birthday cake for him then presented him with a present that they had all clubbed together to buy.

I was borrowing his ipad the other day when a message came through (as his ipad is linked to his phone through iCloud.) it shows it at the top of the screen so I couldn't help seeing it. It was from one of his friends asking him to ask me to contribute £5 towards the dinner.

I was quite annoyed at this because I have hosted people for dinner in the past and would never dream of asking my guests to contribute. The dinner was very small and wouldn't have cost £40, assuming he asked all guests for the same amount. I suspected they were taking the piss and trying to get extra money to pay for the cost of his present.

I brought it up with DP and he defended them, saying he always pays towards the dinner even though he's been invited as a guest. He acted surprised that I would even consider it rude and says he would always expect people to pay their way if invited to someone's house. He even says that when they rent a film from sky box office, they all pay towards that too. It's put me off going round there again if they are just thinking about how much they've had to spend!

What do you think? Is this quite mean of them or AIBU?

it depends, I meet with gfs and we do bring and share in each others houses. I would also take alcohol etc. the person hosting has to tidy up and clear up too and shop. we have done take aways with us all contributing.

recently I got invited to a bbq and was asked to bring my own food & drink which I found odd plus it was a special occasion so it felt a bit grabby.

LaQueen - it sounds as though you would walk away from the friends if you felt you were being taken advnatage of.
It seems that the OPs BF and his friends chose to pay for food out of a kitty to avoid taking advantage, but keep the friends.

there you go then laqueen - this way of doing it means friends remain friends. No quibbles as it's totally fair.

Xpost. Agree mrscakes.

The point is that not all groups are set up so that the hosting can be shared around.

Out of the group I'm banging on about 1 couple can't host because their large enough flat is too messy, two couples live in flats that are too small and one person lives in the arse end of nowhere and quite frankly no one wants to go to their house.

That leaves two houses available for meeting up in. Now the cost of food is out of the questions the hosts don't have a problem with being the venue and it still works out cheaper and easier than going to a restaurant.

I love this about MN. Some days you'd have got absolute support that this is wrong, in this thread it's been turned back and you are in the wrong . Love it.
anyway, I think it's odd. My friends would ask what they should bring, but nobody would think to charge or to pay.

Yabu and a bit judgemental about your dps friends.

It sounds like an arrangement set up as it is a regular occurrence. Your dp should have told you about it beforehand I think, but this was probably an oversight. If he is happy with it I don't think you should be judging them in this way.

Yes I brought beer and wine with me. I don't even drink so I didn't have any of that. The bit I dislike the most is that he asked for the money after the event and seemed anxious that I should cough it up despite that being the only time I attended. Not the actual amount. Seems a bit petty.

Thinking about this some more, your dp should've paid for you in advance as he knows you (and what you opinions are) and his friends (and the reasons for the arrangement). Why didn't he pay for you in advance as it was unusual for you to attend and in a way he was 'hosting' you. If I was in this situation i would pay for my 'guest' as I wouldn't want them questioning my friends arrangements and I wouldn't want them to feel uncomfortable when asked to pay.

Ellie, I think its a strange situation all round and previously said I'd have nothing to do with it - and that includes asking myself just who is it Im in a relationship with. He hardly seems like a gentleman.

I agree with LaQueen and Baking. There is no way I'd charge people money either for food I'd cooked or a takeaway. But I wouldn't have got myself in the odd situation anyway.

OP your DP should have paid for you.

I was thinking it was odd until I got to the bit where you said 'he never actually hosts…it always seems to be one particular couple….'

And there is your answer. It's a way of paying back for their trouble. If everyone in the group took turns to host and provide the food it would be fair, but if the responsibility continually falls to one or two couples then it becomes expensive and very unbalanced.

Besides, I think you would be surprised how much it costs to provide a few bits of party food and a cake for eight people. What can you buy with a fiver now? Two packets of something partyish from M&S, (if you're lucky) maybe three packs from somewhere cheaper like Asda or Iceland, but they'd probably be a bit shit?

Whatever5, no I still wouldn't charge if it was me hosting every week but perhaps it should be arranged that so and so brings the beer, somebody else brings the wine another person cake etc etc.

Your world excludes anyone who can't host themselves though LaQueenLovesJune. You don't want guests to pay towards takeaways etc if they come to your house but you would feel taken advantage of if you never go to theirs so you would no longer be friends with them.

Whatever5, no I still wouldn't charge if it was me hosting every week but perhaps it should be arranged that so and so brings the beer, somebody else brings the wine another person cake etc etc.

I would probably do that as well. However, if someone suggested that everyone just contributes £5 each week so food could be bought out of a kitty, I wouldn't have a problem with that either. Both ways are fair to the person who hosts all the time.

It also excludes friends with not much money and join you in a restaurant with a tight budget so only order a main and a glass of water. No way would I expect them to split the bill. To do that you need to be pretty sure nobody there is really counting the pennies.

I see there are still some of you completely missing the point of this arrangement. It's a group of 8 people who meet every week. The couple are not hosting a dinner party. They are making their home available and every one puts £5 in to the kitty. Out of the 8 there are only a few of them who have houses which are suitable to meet in. Result they get to meet up as often as they clearly want to at very low cost. I think it's a lovely idea. To me it's saying these are people who really value their friendships.

If they met at a pub you'd expect everyone either to pay their own or split the bill.

There are other ways to host which don't require having people in your home. You could host a picnic, or invite people out for dinner and foot the bill, as a nice gesture. Or pay for a group to go and see a film together, or maybe a concert.

The group don't want to do that though! Not everyone enjoys or can afford to eat in restaurants of pay for concerts, hire bikes etc in return you know. This group have decided to meet once a week for food in someone's house and for everyone to contribute to the kitty for food.

My friendship group does things the way you do but I'm not so shortsighted that I think our way is the only way. As long as everyone in the group is happy and no one is being treated unfairly what is the problem?

Laqueen except none of your examples are remotely relevant to this group. They are 8 friends who want to meet weekly in someone's house rather than a pub and everyone puts £5 in a food kitty. What on earth is mean or unfair about that?