To wonder how many mums get diddly squat from their ex / kids father?

[newsecretidentity]

Partly inspired by another thread which linked to the child maintenance calculator. I clicked on it, entered a very conservative estimate of ex's earnings and a very optimistic estimate of the number of nights they spend with him... and I was gobsmacked by the amount.

I hadn't looked at the calculator since we were first splitting up a year ago, and he insisted he couldn't afford maintenance and would lose the house. (Almost the day I left, the central heating system went, and he couldn't afford to fix that- so went without heat or hot water for almost a year.) I didn't push the maintenance issue, and as it turns out he's had the kids less than he originally planned. I don't feel he has any intention of ever paying support. There will always be some "issue" or reason he can't afford it. If I go through CMS, I run the risk that he'll disappear and I'll be unable to work at the times he usually has the kids.

We've managed, although it's been desperately tight at times, when clients are slow in paying their bills. I know maintenance money would help (a lot), but chasing it is a gamble I'm afraid to take.

Am I just a big mug, or are there other women like me who just give up on support and make do on their own?

What I hate is not knowing how to explain to my DC (now teenagers) why their father has never paid maintenance. He lives abroad don't talk to me about REMO and has almost no contact with them.

One of the reasons I left him is because of his EA of me: I didn't want them to grow up thinking that was how a man should treat a woman. But what message is his ongoing lack of (financial and otherwise) support giving to his children about relationships?

I don't think I've ever come across an NRP who openly admits they can't be arsed to see their kids or that a current GF/partying is a more attractive prospect.or that their own behaviour means they can't

My ex once bought plane tickets to see his DC over Christmas, then cancelled at the last minute because he wanted to spend time with his girlfriend and cook in his new kitchen instead

Yes, I'm sure that NRP who choose not to take any responsibility for the children they were part of bringing in the world find all sorts of ways of deluding themselves that this is a satisfactory situation. And the 'oh, his wife had an affair' brigade facilitate this selfish, spiteful and childlike behaviour.

I 100% agree about the psychological affects on children. The material and physical affects of poverty are real and tangible - it's hard to be 'happy' if you're hungry, cold and unable to do the things your friends do because your family can't afford it.

The psychological effects are just as real and tangible. It's even harder to emerge into adulthood with decent self-esteem if one of your parents cares so little about you that they treat you as if you don't exist. Broken promises, waiting for a card that never arrives every birthday, every penny they do contribute being begrudgingly forced out of them by court action take their toll on how children perceive themselves and the world around them. These effects are even worse if the NRP sets up shop with another family and does support that child/those children - how on earth can a child make sense of this other than believing that they're not worthwhile?

This is child neglect. And, imvho, the reason that it isn't treated as a criminal matter (as other types of child neglect obviously are) is because the people affected are women (who 'must have done something wrong to be treated like this and only have themselves to blame') and children of now LPs who are generally treated as somewhere between charity cases and a bit too embarrassing to really think about the needs of.

luggage you are talking a pile of shite. Depending on where you live in the world, meeting yours and your families basic needs requires very different resources. I agree with the poster who says that anyone who thinks poverty doesn't make you miserable, has never experienced it or even been close.

I find this whole thread shocking. My ex and I split up before she was born (or even conceived...) but a standing order was set up for weekly maintenance on the day she was born. It's not much, but it has been over £20k in the past 6 years! He also helps out where he can with other expenses. It works, most of the time...

Chapeau Shirley. The most articulate and well put together rant on this subject I have read.

As I said, I've been lucky that I can manage the financials without him. However the mode of his exit was (as I understand it) specifically to avoid long term financial responsibility. The one thing I cannot manage is that DS is an intelligent kid who is already well on the way to working out for himself that his Dad was willing to let him starve. I've never said a negative word, but I do not have a thick child. At 12 he is starting to ask questions that I don't have an answer to.

Ds has low self esteem and seems anxious about little things. He needs help but Camhs won't see him and I can't afford the £180 a session to go private (if I do finally get the arrears, this will be where it's going). He seems to really distrust people and he struggles to make friends. I just don't know how to help him

That ^ is in the right thread BTW. It's all related to how his father has treated him and the effects of it.

He's never contributed a penny or even bothered to meet his DS. Actually he owes me money that I 'lent' him to help him out!!!

I don't understand it either. My bastard exH's reason (apparently) is that he has 'given' me enough already. He hasn't.

He gives them nothing - not a bean - not even to buy each other birthday presents or to buy him his birthday presents.

There is a total gap in his nasty little head when it comes to having a conscience - he just hasn't got one.

And actually I should have realised that before.....

Agree 100% with everything Christina said. It IS child neglect. Why are they allowed to get away with it?!

I went back to work when ds was three weeks old (I didn't know it was illegal, neither did the pub I was working in). I had to leave after 2 weeks as I was so unwell (severe anaemia and a little PND) and he borrowed my wages so that he could go and 'help his friend move from Germany'. He went and got pissed with it and I never got it back. I had to move house to stop him from turning up at 3am because he needed somewhere to sleep after being out on the piss. This went on for over a year from when ds was a newborn to when he was 2. When I stopped being a push over and started to say 'no' to him he left the UK and didn't see ds for 3 years. Afterwards it was an hour every 18 months with very little contact in between. I still stick up for ds, that's why he stopped paying maintenance. One the last 'contact' (using this word loosely) he was hung over and shouted and swore in ds's face. Ds didn't want to see him the next time he visited as he hadn't apologised. I tried to explain that this was all he needed to do but he just raged down the phone at me. The court doubled his maintenance but it took ages, hence the arrears.

He pissed off with someone else when I was in the hospital in premature labour by the way. It was never my place to tell him that he couldn't see ds, when he was old enough to see what his father was like he made this decision himself. I'd be lying if I said I was sad about this though (I've always hidden what his father was like from ds).