To wonder how many mums get diddly squat from their ex / kids father?

[newsecretidentity]

Partly inspired by another thread which linked to the child maintenance calculator. I clicked on it, entered a very conservative estimate of ex's earnings and a very optimistic estimate of the number of nights they spend with him... and I was gobsmacked by the amount.

I hadn't looked at the calculator since we were first splitting up a year ago, and he insisted he couldn't afford maintenance and would lose the house. (Almost the day I left, the central heating system went, and he couldn't afford to fix that- so went without heat or hot water for almost a year.) I didn't push the maintenance issue, and as it turns out he's had the kids less than he originally planned. I don't feel he has any intention of ever paying support. There will always be some "issue" or reason he can't afford it. If I go through CMS, I run the risk that he'll disappear and I'll be unable to work at the times he usually has the kids.

We've managed, although it's been desperately tight at times, when clients are slow in paying their bills. I know maintenance money would help (a lot), but chasing it is a gamble I'm afraid to take.

Am I just a big mug, or are there other women like me who just give up on support and make do on their own?

I'm financially independent (apart from Tax Credits) - and although I do get green eyed at the amounts some women receive, I know it wouldn't be the same for me and can do without the £3.50 a week he'd be made to pay (split his £7 with his other child) - plus it wouldn't be fair to take it away from his poor ExW.

I think you'll find there are many of us - it's unusual to find a man who puts his children's needs above his game playing.

He left us when DS was small. It was out of the blue and sufficiently shocking that I contacted hospitals, police and had him treated as a missing person. Turns out that he didn't like being a family and didn't want to be tied to giving me money forever so decided to leave and start a new life. Now I have no idea where he is or what he is doing. He has made no effort at all to contact our DS since the day he left. His parents "didn't like to stay in touch" as it would be embarrassing if I struggled financially.

I'm lucky as I have a great job in a highly paid profession so money was not the issue. More importantly I have an amazing family who circled the wagons round me and DS and loved us and took care of us above and beyond any reasonable sense. So my general view is that he may have saved a few quid by his actions, but the cost is the highest price he will ever pay as DS is utterly oblivious to his existence and has no interest in him.

All right, I'll put my judgy pants away. A bit.

but...~(and isn't there always a but)

I have heaps of sympathy for people who's apparently nice and normal partners turn into selfish twats after a split. No, you couldn't see that coming, of course. No criticism there.

I still don't have sympathy for people who breed with obvious wasters and then moan about it. Or those who continue to have kids with them, let's say. How many threads on here about useless other halves who do zilch with the kids/for the family and there's a list of kids like 4 year old, 2 year old, 10 month old? Plenty. There has to be an element of being responsible enough not to breed with these men more than once. Victim blaming? Yes. Victims of their own poor choices AS WELL as victims of tosser fathers.

Well, actually the kids are the victims, and none of it is their fault.

I think a lot of people hope that things will get better. They hope their partner will wake one day and start being the parent they were not the day before, that's why some women carry on having children with cocklodgers (well, probably some of the reasons).

I only have one. Ds's father went off with someone else when I was heavily pregnant (and in hospital with premature labour). It's something ds doesn't know, nor need to know. All ds knows is that his father left the UK when he was 3 and rarely see's him.

I took his father to court for maintenance (as he's not in the UK). In the 15 months he didn't pay I racked up bills that I couldn't pay. Once these are paid off the money will go into ds's account for uni. I've no idea whether the maintenance continues when ds goes to uni and I'll still have to feed and clothe him. Oh well!

Been split from ex h over 12 years, never had a penny off him. Tried at first when we split, he got a letter from CSA and threatened all sorts of violence. So I dropped it, have been lucky to have good job and now quite proud of myself for managing

Not always this black and white kentish.

My cousin pays maintenance for his child even though the mother never allows contact. Being selfish isn't confined to what you do with your money.

Not a penny. We split 9 years ago when DS was 2 and DD under 1.
With a conservative estimate he owes over £37k in maintenance.

He has not seen the kids in 9 years and DH and I have brought them up, paid for everything and they definitely view him as their dad. They are aware of EX but have no interest.

His loss.

A lot of absent parents blame the other for not allowing contact, whatsthatcoming. It's not always true. Sometimes it's said to justify why they don't see or contact their child. Very, very few resident parents are selfish like this. Most, like me, are more than happy for their child to see their other parent but you can't force an adult to see their child.

I don't think I've ever come across an NRP who openly admits they can't be arsed to see their kids or that a current GF/partying is a more attractive prospect.or that their own behaviour means they can't

It's always someone else's fault because admitting its their own fault is like loudly proclaiming themselves to be a nasty cunt

People don't appear to like doing that

My ex paid the minimum £5 a week from his benefits for few years while seeing the DC for a few hours, once a year at most. As he went on to have more children and all but abandon them as well, the CSA payments got split between more and more children. He now pays 87p a week for each of our 2 children.

After 8 years of this he decided he quite fancied taking objection to our moving in with my DP and would voice this objection through the family courts to demand the contact he had been offered and pleaded with to take up. My ex now sees our DC around 6 times a year, which is a great improvement on his past track record and there is a chance of their beginning to form a relationship now, but each occasion costs me 129 weeks worth of child support.

Not only do I not receive enough child support to make a dint in the costs of supporting the children, each year it costs me 774 times what I do receive just to transport the DC to contact.

Let me reiterate that. It costs my household, takes away from the children, seven hundred and seventy four times the child support paid for them, just to get their father to spend time with them.

Not a penny. In nearly a decade. for the children.

My fault obviously for leaving him. Like everything else.

My ex left me - but it's still all my fault. You can't win. I stopped caring a long time ago.

Some of the attitudes on here would be gob smacking if it weren't for the fact that this bullshit is fêted in the media and laws have been pushed through (which push lone parents - and their children further into poverty) by this government on the back of this mindless drivel, and so it comes as no surprise to me.

I think, if you are of the mindset that it is perfectly reasonable for a NRP to make not a single penny of contribution - or even some token fiver per week nonsense - then you should probably be taking a good hard look at yourself as it probably means that you are either very dull witted, or possible a raving cunt.

Talking about women who have children with "wasters" or "losers" and therefore they should "suck it up, buttercup" is pure victim blaming along the lines of "she was asking for it in that short skirt" or "why did she stay with an abuser, what a twat!"...and at the end of it all are a generation of children growing up without any financial contribution being made for them and all the shit (not only just poverty but learned behaviours and understanding that your NRP didn't really give much of a fuck about your well being) that will bring them in their lives...but no, it's ok, single parents are easy targets and it's nice to stick the knife in on a boring Thursday.

Don't worry! As long as you enjoy bringing up your children without bitterness for their non-paying absent parent, who cares if you don't have a pot to piss in!

Responsiblty is for other people.

Children can eat love and it's also very warming in winter. The other thing that being grateful does is make sure that there are shoes on their feet and clothes on their back. Family isn't all about money you know? you money grabbing bitches

Ah yes, Love is also packed full of fibre and vitamins!

I wrote a blog post about this back in 2011 - I was desperately trying to drum up support for a campaign against the CSA/CMEA changes before they became law fat chance

clicky

I feel quite sad reading it again actually, all the same old arguments only now even fewer RP's will be getting financial support now as a) you have to pay to start a claim and b) a percentage is taken by the agency. It's so vile.

I don't think I've ever come across an NRP who openly admits they can't be arsed to see their kids or that a current GF/partying is a more attractive prospect.or that their own behaviour means they can't

Of course this could be true, however in the same token you will probably never come across an RP who admits that they are deliberately withholding contact (which does happen)

NRPs not paying for their children is wrong, RPs deliberately withholding contact is also wrong.

Why is this always conflated? This thread is talking about RP's who don't pay for their children, not RP's who withhold contact...surely you're not putting forward the view that the two things are related in any way? Or that they SHOULD be?

So what's the point in bringing it up? It's like me going onto a thread about ear piercing (for example) and saying "what about parents who give their children calpol for no reason eh? What about THOSE motherfuckers?!"

It's deflection from the true, disgusting fact that this society punishes people for parking in the wrong place with more vigour and gusto than it does for NRPs who neglect their children financially.

My daughters dad hasn't paid me a penny since she was 4. She is now 17. He moved abroad (outside Europe) and doesn't work for an English company so the CSA told me I didn't stand a chance of getting any money from him, despite knowing his address & his employers details.
He ocassionly sends her a Facebook message showing pictures of his new car or large house. I've never expressed my opinion of what an arse I think he is to dd, but she is starting to work that out herself.

The REMO doesn't just apply in Europe. Canada, the US, Australia all abide by it. Have you had a look on google?

Ah Luggage, still peddling the same old tripe you have on other threads of late, I see.

Were your children immaculately conceived?