To wonder how many mums get diddly squat from their ex / kids father?

[newsecretidentity]

Partly inspired by another thread which linked to the child maintenance calculator. I clicked on it, entered a very conservative estimate of ex's earnings and a very optimistic estimate of the number of nights they spend with him... and I was gobsmacked by the amount.

I hadn't looked at the calculator since we were first splitting up a year ago, and he insisted he couldn't afford maintenance and would lose the house. (Almost the day I left, the central heating system went, and he couldn't afford to fix that- so went without heat or hot water for almost a year.) I didn't push the maintenance issue, and as it turns out he's had the kids less than he originally planned. I don't feel he has any intention of ever paying support. There will always be some "issue" or reason he can't afford it. If I go through CMS, I run the risk that he'll disappear and I'll be unable to work at the times he usually has the kids.

We've managed, although it's been desperately tight at times, when clients are slow in paying their bills. I know maintenance money would help (a lot), but chasing it is a gamble I'm afraid to take.

Am I just a big mug, or are there other women like me who just give up on support and make do on their own?

Shabby clothes does not cause bullying. Bullies cause bullying.

Luggage you clearly are living in a dream world if you think that money has no effect on happiness and that all parents tell their children exactly what they think of their ex-partners.

My parents have never uttered a word against each other, however watching my Mum sell her personal possessions to pay the rent due to my father's refusal to contribute has given me a taste of the real world.

But don't let that bother you, I bet your the type who thinks visits to foodbank are all good fun also as you love each other.

You clearly want to blame the parent paying the bills, I'm guessing because deep down you know that your children's father thought very little of them and you didn't have the substance to challenge the imbalance.

Anya, I'm glad you had a great childhood with no bitterness.

Chipped, not the faintest idea what you are on about sorry

That quite obvious Luggage

I do think that refusing to pay towards the up keep of your children should be classed as neglect with a prison term

Did you miss the bit about the fucker being dead luggage?

luggage

If you have not realised that this is a bunch of adults having a conversation that does not involve their children hearing then you are a prick

Wow luggage keep on digging.

You assume this is an issue that only affects single parents. You assume the choice to have children was a choice made alone. I would hazard a guess that plenty of people posting here are in new relationships and are not single parents. I would also hazard a guess by far the majority of us were married or in long-term relationships where having children was a joint-decision.

Nothing hardly in 9 years. For the first 5 or 6 years, he was either unemployed or a student, so he would give dd1 a fiver occasionally. Looked after the dc very sporadically. It has finally settled into more regular contact, but still no money - he claims he doesn't make any (self-employed). Pays for occasional items of clothing or a school trip.

luggagecarousel your posts are starting to make it sound like you could be a Tory or a Fathers for Justice plant...!

chippednailvarnish hear hear!

There was a thread a few months back about the CSA changes. The CSA failed to collect £3.5 billion in unpaid maintenance. It is a SHOCKING amount of money - I don't begrudge people on benefits their money but my god I really, really resent absent parents leaving their kids short while they sail off into the sunset

Lack of money does NOT cause an unhappy family life.

That must be one of the most idiotic statements I've ever seen on MN.

Living in poverty certainly doesn't lead to a happy family life, that's for sure.

Pat45 that's a load of bollocks. Only the parent getting child benefit can claim. You dont need to give him a penny.

I've never had a penny from ex in maintenance, but I've never really pursued it as I know financially there would be little point. We've been on benefits for a large part of that time, but I agree to an extent that it hasn't stopped us being a happy family unit. I think it's partly because I don't hold bitterness towards exP, since I was the one who chose to leave and chose not to chase him for contact/maintenance, rather than feeling abandoned and desperate for him to play a part in family life like a lot of single mums I know.

It's just been much simpler to get on with things on my own, no playing games with the ex or problems with poor parenting during access visits. Thanks to good budgeting, kind family and having a good eye for funding/grants, we've not had to do without normal family things, have always had holidays, days out, decent clothes etc.

Welcome to MN Aqua. You soundlike you'd get on well with Luggage.

christinarossetti believe me, I've known many happy families living in poverty of a completely different order of magnitude to anything you would find in the uk.

The government research done into emotional well being here over the last few years found there was no link.

Basically, if you are bitter and "entitled" person, you will be bitter and "entitled" what ever your financial circumstances!

I refer you to certain ex royal stating in an interview that she had received no financial settlement from her marriage. She stated she personally had "nothing - 15k a year and the palace- nothing" (her DC are financied quite separatly, this was just her)

That's quite unfair dino she's perfectly entitled to decide to not bother and her viewpoint is a perfectly sound one for her,aqua's post is nothing like luggage's it very much reads like she can't much be bothered with the grief for the sake of a minimal payment some people do feel like that. And by the sounds of it her ex is one of the ones who would get a £7 pw assessment anyway at least that's how I read the post (it financially not being much point).

And most importantly she has not implied or stated that anybody who does not make the same choice as her is wrong like luggage has.

I DO get maintenance - though granted the amount hasn't changed since the day he walked out nearly ten years ago, despite me knowing that he's had at least two pay rises in that time and he now rents his house out so has extra income.

However, he uses that as an excuse to not shell out on anything for DD on the weekends she's with him. For example, she saw a t-shirt in Tesco's one time with him. It had been reduced to £2.50. She asked her dad if she could have it and he said "No, you'll have to ask your mother to get it as that's what I give her money for."

Knobhead.

Have been on MN for years actually, just recently NC.

Yes it would be the minimal amount that you get from people on JSA/those who have dodgy self-employment records so really not much point. I don't care what choices others make regarding maintenance really, but for me it was the right thing to cut my losses and not get hung up on getting such a small amount.

Aqua. It may only be a small amount of money but it mAkes them accept a little responsibility. Will your children thank you in future for cutting all contact with their father? My mum cut off all contact and moved when I was small and though I had a stepfather who was ok and loved mum dearly I do resent not knowing my father. Despite extensive searching I have been unable to find him and I guess he will be dead now

I'm not sure if luggage's comments are aimed at specific people or everyone but will comment anyway.

It is not entitled to expect the other parent to support their child and to expect what us the legal minimum. It's not bitter to come on a thread like this and say whether you get maintenance or not. It's stating facts.

I just cannot see my situation like a game, or a competition. There can be no winners, its the children that lose out. My xh tells them everything and they can see for themselves that he is banging on about having no money while buying himself, his gf and her children things. That's not caused by me being bitter (which I'm not - I've never been happier and more content with my life) and pushing him away - he's creating that relationship with his children all by himself.

I'm not single either.

Perhaps the poverty itself doesn't link to emotional well being.

But the hunger might, for parents who go hungry to ensure their kids have food.

Exhaustion might also link to emotional well being. How many people work themselves ragged to ensure a roof over their children's heads, clothes on their backs and food on the table? Add a few sleepless nights with a sick child or worrying about money, and it's easy to feel run down

Lack of support can eat away at you, if you have no partner and work so much that you never see friends.

Who can afford to go out and socialize, or even leave the house for a healthy walk if you have no one at home to look after the kids. Who can even have five minutes peace in the bath tub?

I bet these things link to emotional well being, even if poverty doesn't.