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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how many mums get diddly squat from their ex / kids father?

186 replies

newsecretidentity · 23/06/2014 19:36

Partly inspired by another thread which linked to the child maintenance calculator. I clicked on it, entered a very conservative estimate of ex's earnings and a very optimistic estimate of the number of nights they spend with him... and I was gobsmacked by the amount.

I hadn't looked at the calculator since we were first splitting up a year ago, and he insisted he couldn't afford maintenance and would lose the house. (Almost the day I left, the central heating system went, and he couldn't afford to fix that- so went without heat or hot water for almost a year.) I didn't push the maintenance issue, and as it turns out he's had the kids less than he originally planned. I don't feel he has any intention of ever paying support. There will always be some "issue" or reason he can't afford it. If I go through CMS, I run the risk that he'll disappear and I'll be unable to work at the times he usually has the kids.

We've managed, although it's been desperately tight at times, when clients are slow in paying their bills. I know maintenance money would help (a lot), but chasing it is a gamble I'm afraid to take.

Am I just a big mug, or are there other women like me who just give up on support and make do on their own?

OP posts:
Luggagecarousel · 23/06/2014 22:19

Just have a read of the attitudes on this thread, adults still bemoaning having a "shitty" childhood, so much bitterness and resentment, mothers apparently not enjoying raising their children at all.

Lack of money does NOT cause an unhappy family life.

Bile, bitterness, resentment, anger, making children feel as if they are a burden you want to be able to foist of on someone else, teaching children a sense of permanent injured entitlement, legal wrangling, acrimony, derision aimed at the absent parent, - these are the things that cause an unhappy family life, and are originating with the mothers.

Look at this:

I am not at all grateful. I have nothing to be grateful for. I don't "get" to spend more time with my children, I HAVE to spend more time with my children. When I am ill, injured, depressed - still spend my time caring for my children, on my own.

Where is your appreciation, joy and love for your DC: how are the going to grow up happy and secure if you feel like caring for them is a punishment rather than a privilege?

The father is a minimal part of their lives, that is a fact, it is not going to have a negative impact on them at all.

It is the response of the mothers that is causing unhappiness.

Isn't it odd how every absent father is a feckless arsehole, but every partner of a woman on here who has children from a previous relationship is an injured innocent?????????

Mandatorymongoose · 23/06/2014 22:19

12 years. Not a penny. Barely any contact.

He does show up once a year and blow hundreds of pounds on junk she doesn't need as 'birthday presents' though because he's super dad. Fucker.

LadySybilLikesCake · 23/06/2014 22:23

I do now, I had to go to court for it though.

If your ex is abroad you can still get maintenance. A lot of countries have signed up to a REMO arrangement. Go to your local county court and ask them for the papers (helps if you know where the ex is). It's a ball ache but why should they get away with it?

fedupbutfine · 23/06/2014 22:23

Why do so many single mums pour this constant stream of vitriol and blame over the fathers. Surely the more bile you pour, the more absent the father becomes.You are the winner, you are the one benefiting from being with and caring for your lovely children. Just enjoy, and be grateful.You chose to have children, you are responsible for them, especially if the father leaves. He is the one who loses out.

Sigh. What ignorance. What is it that makes you think that this is a 'single mum' issue? Do you think that all 'single mums' started out that way? That they all got pregnant 'on purpose', after one night stands or whilst in casual relationships and made a choice to keep a baby knowing the father wasn't interested?

Does your partner support his children?

Luggagecarousel · 23/06/2014 22:24

No, not a penny ever.

Bentojo · 23/06/2014 22:25

Jog on Luggage.

MerryInthechelseahotel · 23/06/2014 22:26

But it is hard for mothers luggage when they are completely broke and they know the childrens dad could help. Can't you see that?

Pleasecanisleepnow · 23/06/2014 22:31

I agree that not all men are the same but in my experience most are. My delightful ex left me and our newborn son within days of DS getting out of hospital when he was 3 weeks old and very ill. The reason? He just wasn't getting enough sleep! He then quit his job to get out of paying any maintenance. I sporadically get a couple of quid from his benefits but its not regular as he keeps getting them stopped. Ex has had no contact or interest in MY DS for coming up to 3 yrs now. He is a waste of skin and oxygen. I hope he dies of syphillis ( yes I'm bitter and don't feel remotely grateful).

I agree, I am the lucky one to have my beautiful DS,BUT, I shouldn't have to struggle alone with absolutely everything. WE decided to have a baby......knobface

LadySybilLikesCake · 23/06/2014 22:31

I used to use the maintenance to get ds to school. Then he stopped paying. I couldn't afford to get ds to school so he missed days. I stopped buying food for me for lunch so I could use the money to get him to school... and I ended up sick. I have a well paid job now but it's not a good feeling when the other parent of your child would rather you starve, or your child miss school. I don't think he has the right to call himself a 'father' to be honest.

fedupbutfine · 23/06/2014 22:33

gosh, and you're proud of that. Says it all, luggage

Dragonlette · 23/06/2014 22:35

I have never recieved a penny from dd1's father. She was unplanned and he didn't want to keep her, so he claims not to have any responsibility for her existence. His father never paid for him either, and his siblings' fathers never paid for them either.

corlan · 23/06/2014 22:38

The father is a minimal part of their lives, that is a fact

Er - no, that's bollocks - you just made it up!

goofygoober · 23/06/2014 22:39

Totally agree, Pourquoi, as my father spent all his energies ducking and diving, and did not feel the need to cough up a single penny for his DCs.

My ex does pay, less than £1 a day per child, when he can afford it, bless. The CSA say that, as he is self employed, this is the best they can do. He is skilled at dodging the system. We'll never get more. Unfortunately, the DCs think the sun shines from his arsehole, and he gets to collect them in his swanky car twice a week and play Holiday Dad.

I've virtually given up - but why the fuck should I have to fight? He knows what their needs are. Angry

Luggagecarousel · 23/06/2014 22:41

Corlan, the poster has just said what a small part of their lives he is!

Fedup, yes, proud, and happy with what I've got.

Chippednailvarnish · 23/06/2014 22:42

Lack of money does NOT cause an unhappy family life

Again total bollocks, especially for those with disabled children. A lack of money puts horrendous pressure on a family and causes a lot of unhappiness.

It is the response of the mothers that is causing unhappiness

Er no, it's the feckless absent parents who refuse to contribute toward their children that cause the unhappiness.
You can accept second best for your children, but no one else should. Children have the right to expect both parents to contribute to their upbringing.

CookieRobot · 23/06/2014 22:42

I receive £11 a week from DD1's father and I had to go to the csa to get that.

He works full time on nights and lives with his dad so pays next to nothing on rent and bills. He sees DD maybe 2-3 times a month despite living 2 mins down the road from me.

Utter wanker.

fifi669 · 23/06/2014 22:45

Ex is meant to pay £1.66pw but doesn't. Haven't had anything off him for 12 months, he hadn't seen DS in 27 months.

DP pays £160pm from a low paid job for his DD, his ex only allows him 2 hours contact pw.

Let's face it, the whole thing is fucked up.

Luggagecarousel · 23/06/2014 22:46

Chipped, there is very little relationship between money and happiness!!! it is absolutely NOT what makes a family.

don't you think it would be very hard for children to enjoy their childhood living with the bitterness portrayed on here?

fedupbutfine · 23/06/2014 22:47

then presumably you don't worry about how to pay next month's rent or where the next meal is coming from or how you're going to pay the childminder this week? Lucky you. Lot's of parents - single or otherwise - don't have that luxury. It doesn't stop them being grateful for their children or indeed, being grateful for what they do have. But it does make life difficult.

fedupbutfine · 23/06/2014 22:48

you didn't answer - why do you assume this is just a single parent issue?

meddie · 23/06/2014 22:50

Luggage of course lack of money causes an unhappy life. When your kids get teased and bullied because their clothes are shabby, or they are hungry or you have to say for the thousandth time 'no you cant have an ice cream/go to your friends party/ go out for the day. because I barely had money to pay the bills and buy food, let alone spend a fiver on some other childs present.

My kids are loved and I worked my ass off to provide what little I could for them. While their father got to swan off to a new country, pretend he had no responsibility, earn over 100k (that was in 1993) and go on to have another 4 marriages and fuck up 4 more womens lives.

This was a man who pressured me into having kids, was desperate for them, then just chooses to up and leave and start a fresh like nothing had happened, no consequences, while I was left to deal with the fallout, the hurt and the abject poverty at the time.

I would be an emotional void if I wasnt even a tiny little bit resentful.

goats · 23/06/2014 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luggagecarousel · 23/06/2014 22:50

many times I've not had a meal, Fedup, and if your other question is aimed at me, sorry, i don't understand the question

AnyaKnowIt · 23/06/2014 22:50

My mother showed no bitterness towards my father when he walked out and paid the grand total of 5p towards the cost of bringing up 3 children.

That still didn't stop me from going to his funeral to make sure the fucker was dead.

I also had a great childhood.

goats · 23/06/2014 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.