To wonder how many mums get diddly squat from their ex / kids father?

[newsecretidentity]

Partly inspired by another thread which linked to the child maintenance calculator. I clicked on it, entered a very conservative estimate of ex's earnings and a very optimistic estimate of the number of nights they spend with him... and I was gobsmacked by the amount.

I hadn't looked at the calculator since we were first splitting up a year ago, and he insisted he couldn't afford maintenance and would lose the house. (Almost the day I left, the central heating system went, and he couldn't afford to fix that- so went without heat or hot water for almost a year.) I didn't push the maintenance issue, and as it turns out he's had the kids less than he originally planned. I don't feel he has any intention of ever paying support. There will always be some "issue" or reason he can't afford it. If I go through CMS, I run the risk that he'll disappear and I'll be unable to work at the times he usually has the kids.

We've managed, although it's been desperately tight at times, when clients are slow in paying their bills. I know maintenance money would help (a lot), but chasing it is a gamble I'm afraid to take.

Am I just a big mug, or are there other women like me who just give up on support and make do on their own?

Single parents with money but a lack of support network also find it hard to get 5 minutes to themselves. Work long hours etc.

Ideally the burden should be shared, financially and responsibility wise. Where one parent doesn't step up it creates a vast imbalance whether money is an issue or not. Having said that, I'm glad DS isn't seeing his dad. He's showed no interest in years and any contact he did have would be forced, I'd be worried about the level of care and it'd prob be in a pub

I agree that the financial struggles are just as real when there are two parents. The difference is that in two-parent families, (you at least imagine that) both parents are doing everything they can for the kids, so at least everybody is pulling together. There is still a strain, but there isn't inequality to cause additional discontent.

sandgrown. I never said I cut all contact with dc's father, simply that I didn't waste my energy chasing him for contact. His choice. But they are old enough now that they understand my actions, are happy with my decision and don't show any signs of resentment. Sorry you were never able to find your father but our situation was likely to be very different from yours.

I suppose I'm luckier than some in that exH does have regular contact with dd and spends money on her then. She's told me with starry eyes how rich and generous daddy is to buy her a bike, which she estimates costs a million pounds.

I could live with no cash coming to me. What I find harder to swallow are the huge debts I've piled up because he has spend years dragging me to court on the basis of lies about me blocking contact. He has taken absolute pleasure in hurting me financially as it's one the few ways he can punish me for leaving him.

My partner gives his ex a four figure sum every month. He is not wealthy. I contribute to the house and bills etc, so he can survive, so I guess my money indirectly goes to his ex. His ex doesn't work. There is one lovely child who spends their time 50/50 between the two households. One of the big reasons I fell in love with him was his commitment to his child. He is paying wayyyyy over the odds but I can't 'go there' as it is far too contentious and not directly my business.

Ten years ago, I was left on my own with four kids under five. I never got a penny in maintenance or mortgage payments.

All worked out in the long run though, had a brilliant solicitor and eventually, after 10 years of no mortgage or maintenance, I got the house signed over and 100% of the equity, he has no claim on any of it. I have friends who divorced after 25 years who did not get 100% of the house!

FFF x

DS' Dad has paid once in 10 years. CSA eventually got an attachment of earnings order, i got one payment then DS' Dad deliberately got himself fired (he told me that's what he'd done).

His partner was quite vocal on fb about how she didn't want him to pay maintenance or have contact. She also told DS his Dad didn't need to anymore because hes got a new son to replace him

doglover I'd certain bring it up if I had to subsidise DP as he was massively overpaying maintenance. Being generous is one thing, but in effect he's being generous with your money, esp when residence is 50:50!

Thanks fifi669. Honestly it's just not worth it. Anything for a quiet life and all of that. It's not fair, no, but teenager must come first, and anything that will cause huge grief and stress will effect her too. Maybe when she's flown the nest so to speak. Just wanted people to know that not all dads are crap with either paying up and contact with their children.

I get £5 a week (thorugh CSA) .Ex has never worked. He doesn't see DS. I am not bitter. I do love been with son, do I find having an hour a week without a child at home yes but my annoyance is not about the lack of time I get it is about the lack of interest in his son. The lack of any attempt to support his son financially, physically or emotionally.

I do am not bitter but do feel for DS who does not understand why his Dad doesn't see him

If he was massively over paying before you and him got together without needing help then perhaps he does not need it now

I don't get a penny.
He left - moved abroad - paid for a couple of months then 'The money ran out'
That was it - nothing.
It's been 5 years now.
She does get to 'holiday' with him twice a year. Big whoop!

What about the other side of the coin. My DH has religiously paid for his child. Fair enough, he made the decision to have a child and has no problem with paying. What he does have a problem with is the fact that he has never been allowed contact with his child, except for sporadic instances when the mother wanted to go on holiday or similar and had no babysitter. After many a court hearing where the mother failed to turn up and many wasted hours sat in a contact centre while she again failed to bring his child he has been forced to give up and hope that his child will make contact themselves when they are older. He is thousands of pounds in debt due to court and solicitors fees while the mother hasn't had to pay a penny due to not working.

So while I agree it is a disgrace that many men shirk their responsibilities, I think it is also a disgrace that mothers can be allowed to shut their children's father out of their life when it suits them.

How can this be allowed? I've just read a stat on here that says only 38% of NRPs pay and 92% of RPs are women.

How can people (mainly men) just decide they are not going to pay? Can you imagine that happening with anything else? Council Tax? Water rates? No way would it be allowed. Is it because it is mainly women and children who are affected? It can't be a coincidence.

My mum has never had a penny off mine or my brother's dads (we are 27 and 16). They both left her before each of us was born and neither of us has had anything to do with either of them. She didn't want anything from them but has never been well off herself and could probably have done with an extra few quid, especially when I was young.

NeedsAsockamnesty he paid less. It went up when we cohabited. Something about not being able to get a new job after leaving the part time one she had, and that she had extra needs. TBH I just don't care anymore. He wants to make sure his child doesn't suffer in anyway and this is the result. It won't always be like this I'm sure but for the time being....

I suppose people can change after a relationship breakdown, and not live up to expectations. This is, of course, terrible.

But the majority of the stories I've heard about non-paying parents are not a surprise. That person never worked/was not very involved with the kids/left all parenting to the now resident parent etc in the first place. I know this sounds awful but I do wonder why people choose to breed with wasters in the first place and then be surprised when they continue to be wasters after the relationship ends.

My ex husband always paid a good amount of maintenance, voluntarily. I've been in two relationships with men with children and they always paid up no problem. All three of these men were very involved with their children, too.

If someone doesn't want to be a parent even when you are together, then they aren't going to change when you aren't. That's no excuse, but it explains why it happens.

I don't get (or asked for) maintainance from my second husband. He has our girls every weekend and when he's off work. He'll also stump up for clothes and uniforms if needed. He also supported my older two kids (not his) for whom I didn't manage to get regular money for. There was a point when we first split that I was giving money to him to feed the kids at the weekend because he was totally skint (he really was, not just saying it) so that they could spend the time with him. I figured that was more important than the money. If I ever hit dire straits I will ask him for money and I doubt he'd refuse. But for the moment, our relationship is good, the kids are not going without and I'm okay with that.

I'm not sure I buy the idea that women just chose to "breed with a waster" and get stuck as a single parent holds true. It seems too big a generalization, and a little bit victim-blamey.

I know in my case, My ex works steadily and earns what I would consider to be a good wage, is respected in his field and considered an upstanding member of the community. I never would have thought him capable of failing to support his kids.

If I had thought he was that kind of guy, I wouldn't have married him. (or naively thought I could change him, maybe) Now it's just a good reminder of why I'm not still with him, every time regret rears it's ugly head.

I hate that breeding with a waster argument.

If its a first child you will have no prior example to see how they parent.
And often the lack of parenting is why you ditch them.

It's a bit like trying to imply all single parents have children in short term relationships or without thinking or planning.

Many people talk the talk but don't deliver and the vast majority of the single parents I know where in long term marriages before they had children and the child was dads first child.

Ah if only it were that straightforward Kentish. People have the relationships that they do for all sorts of reasons. Some believe its all they deserve. Some might be so keen to be in a couple because they don't want to be on their own. Contraception fails.

And I agree there is nothing to gain by pointing the finger at people "sleeping with a waster". It takes nothing away from the fact that way too many NRPs avoid maintenance.

If I just said a flat no, like my ex has, and didn't provide for my dd's I would be up for neglect.

And as for why? He's just so damned angry at me for leaving that its the only form of control he thinks he has.

There's a psychological effect on the DC as well. Ds's maintenance used to go into ds's bank account and he was sitting next to me when his father was shouting at me down the phone to say he wasn't going to pay maintenance any more so it wasn't anything I could hide from him. I now have a 15 year old who hates his father but also feels as though his dad was happy for him to starve. He's had times where he feels unwanted, a burden and in the way. Hi father's new wife posts pictures of the Christmas presents that they have bought their children on ds's father's facebook page so ds could see them, when she knows ds hasn't received so much as a card.

Saying people shouldn't have had children with these arseholes is like bolting the gate after the horse has bolted. I don't believe all of them started out like an arsehole, nor were all children from lone parent families conceived on a one night stand. Some people are unlucky.

Absolutely, LadySybil.