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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how many mums get diddly squat from their ex / kids father?

186 replies

newsecretidentity · 23/06/2014 19:36

Partly inspired by another thread which linked to the child maintenance calculator. I clicked on it, entered a very conservative estimate of ex's earnings and a very optimistic estimate of the number of nights they spend with him... and I was gobsmacked by the amount.

I hadn't looked at the calculator since we were first splitting up a year ago, and he insisted he couldn't afford maintenance and would lose the house. (Almost the day I left, the central heating system went, and he couldn't afford to fix that- so went without heat or hot water for almost a year.) I didn't push the maintenance issue, and as it turns out he's had the kids less than he originally planned. I don't feel he has any intention of ever paying support. There will always be some "issue" or reason he can't afford it. If I go through CMS, I run the risk that he'll disappear and I'll be unable to work at the times he usually has the kids.

We've managed, although it's been desperately tight at times, when clients are slow in paying their bills. I know maintenance money would help (a lot), but chasing it is a gamble I'm afraid to take.

Am I just a big mug, or are there other women like me who just give up on support and make do on their own?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 23/06/2014 21:14

You are the winner, you are the one benefiting from being with and caring for your lovely children. Just enjoy, and be grateful.You chose to have children, you are responsible for them, especially if the father leaves. He is the one who loses out

Bollocks.

Actually it's the children who lose out. That's what the money is for. Children can't thrive on love and fresh air. You both breed them, you both feed them, it's not just for the woman to provide for them.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 23/06/2014 21:18

I don't get anything and he owes thousands in arrears. He chose never to see DS so has effectively absolved himself of all responsibility. I don't know how he manages to look himself in the mirror tbh.

Queen0fFeckingEverything · 23/06/2014 21:19

I've had about £100 in dribs and drabs over the last 9 years! Currently getting the grand sum of £2.50 a week but that will only last another few weeks before he signs off and then it'll be a year or so before the CSA catch up with him again Angry

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 23/06/2014 21:22

Hmm No luggage. The only hostility in my childhood was caused by my father refusing to pay anything towards us. It was shit because we had nothing, not even the guarantee of a hot meal each day and because of the stress my mum was under trying to provide for us. It all leads back to him shirking his responsibilities and not paying maintenance.

Foxy800 · 23/06/2014 21:23

Mine pays £50 a month when he can be bothered and only sees dd when he can be bothered, sometimes going weeks and months. It is so sad as it is dd who misses out.x

Booooooooooooooooooooo · 23/06/2014 21:23

Oh luggage you are funny.

Original poster
newsecretidentity · 23/06/2014 21:26

Nah, they wouldn't have eaten it. Having seen it, nor would I. One of the things he put in was their least favorite food in the world. They might eat it if forced, but it would probably come straight back up again after.

So yeah, I think his filling the lunch box is less valid. If he was a good dad, he would know some healthy foods that they like and pack them, or even cook for them at home instead of relying on chips.

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 23/06/2014 21:26

Nothing, he even trys to scadge off me !

comingintomyown · 23/06/2014 21:27

You are the winner, you are the one benefiting from being with and caring for your lovely children. Just enjoy, and be grateful.You chose to have children, you are responsible for them, especially if the father leaves. He is the one who loses out

Really ? What utter nonsense. The reality is when your kids are teens there is stuff that comes up that is bloody hard to deal with and in no way enjoyable. WE chose to have children and he is should be as responsible for them as I am irrespective of how he fell out of love with me etc.

I am fortunate that he more or less sees it that way too and pays good maintenance and usually steps up when the going gets tough with them

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 23/06/2014 21:28

You are the winner, you are the one benefiting from being with and caring for your lovely children. Just enjoy, and be grateful.You chose to have children, you are responsible for them, especially if the father leaves. He is the one who loses out.

My mum fucking died when I was 23 as a direct result of health problems caused by the poverty she had lived in since he left us. Yeah both she and I totally won there. I'm so very fucking grateful.

Lookrightnow · 23/06/2014 21:28

My x is with another woman (and child). I don't know how she can sleep with the slimey creep tbh knowing he pays so little.

Tbf to him, he does pay, and he does love his children but it's very conditional.

Sometimes I wish he'd just fuck off.

Original poster
newsecretidentity · 23/06/2014 21:29

luggage also WOW. just... WOW.

OP posts:
ElphabaTheGreen · 23/06/2014 21:31

I saw my father regularly, until his OW stopped him from coming when I was about 10. He never paid my mum a penny. Mysteriously, when I started high school, he started paying $(AU)70 per month (this was in the 90s - even then, it was hardly a princely sum, roughly £30) into an account for me. He stopped it the second I got a PT job in first year uni. We subsequently found out that he'd been reimbursed the whole time by his mother because she felt he should be seen to be making more of an effort with me. Hmm

Spineless. Arse. Hole.

seasidesally · 23/06/2014 21:31

none,hes now gone self employed which means my son has no chance of his father contributing to his upbringing

i am not alone in this situation,it's one of the oldest tricks of the self employed CSA cases

corlan · 23/06/2014 21:32

I'd like to second the 'bollocks' to the idea that we should all just stop moaning and get on with raising our kids.

It's not just that it's annoying and unjust that a lot of men avoid paying support for their children. The lack of money has a massive effect on the child's opportunities in life. You don't need to be a genius to understand that.

It's a huge issue in this country, and no political party seems willing to confront it.

ThisLittlePiggie · 23/06/2014 21:32

Just a word on behalf on my DP, it's not always the man.

My DPs Ex contributes nothing towards DSD or DSD half sister (not my DPs but still lives with us). She might decide to see them one or twice a year if they are lucky, usually causing mayhem.

Some deadbeat mums and dedicated dads as well.....just sayin'

seasidesally · 23/06/2014 21:35

agree ThisLittlePiggie

their are women that dont pay when they leave the family,and many fathers that are left to raise the children recieve nothing either,we often forget that

weyayechickenpie · 23/06/2014 21:44

Used to get £80 a month it was a mutual agreement. Then he inherited money and things took a turn for the worse. When dd turned one he said he was having a "hard time" I have no idea how living the high life and living carefree is hard. He made out seeing dd once a week was a burden to him. So I cut him out and he didnt fight it didnt contact me. The money stopped and I just got on with things, I didnt want him in our lives or his money which he begrudged giving in the first place. What a bastard. I feel better now for that rant

Trollsworth · 23/06/2014 21:46

Luggage, my children were planned, they were wanted, and they were brought into this worl by a mother and a father.

They now receive nothing from him. They see him for two hours on a Saturday afternoon, in a contact centre, because he neglected them during contact at his house, and then his idiot girlfriend used information she pumped from the eldest to set up catalogue accounts in my name and rack up 1.5 grand of debt.

They were coming back hungry and dirty.

So no, luggage, I am not grateful. I had children with a man who promised to be an equal parent, and I now do every single bit, and pay for every single bit, alone. I am not at all grateful. I have nothing to be grateful for. I don't "get" to spend more time with my children, I HAVE to spend more time with my children. When I am ill, injured, depressed - still spend my time caring for my children, on my own.

Maybe that was what you wanted. Maybe you truly believe that all men are useless cunts and we should be as grateful to reive help as we would be shocked to hear speech from a dog.

But I don't. I believe that my children have been treated shittily by a grown man who has given them half his DNA, a fear of shouting, and fuck all else.

flaggybannel · 23/06/2014 21:50

probably had around £100 odd in ooo.... 17 years. mostly what I have forcibly removed from his pockets when I see the spineless shit around my home town. He knows the drill now and will sheepishly turn out his pockets when he sees me coming. yes I do bully the arsewipe and yes I have took his coat off his back and trainers off his feet. I've also slapped a fish supper out of his hands and a custard slice from out of his gob. Grin
I couldn't give a shiney shite either.
the fucker is an embarrassment to me and my Ds, the sooner he is run out of town or dies horribly from one of his self inflicted addictions is the day I will sing a happy song.
bitter? yep!

corlan · 23/06/2014 21:53

Just ad a look at the Gingerbread website - only 38% of single parents receive maintenance from the other parent. 92% of single parents are women.

Sorry, I can't do a link on this computer but the stats on the website are very interesting (and quite depressing!)

weyayechickenpie · 23/06/2014 22:05

Trollsworth well said. I feel the same

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 23/06/2014 22:05

I would just really like to know why so many absent parents (men and women) feel they can abandon their children the way they do. Why don't they care and why on earth are they allowed not to?

It was hard enough for me to understand when I was "just" the abandoned child, but now that I'm a parent myself I just can't comprehend it at all.

Pat45 · 23/06/2014 22:11

Absolutely nothing. He supposedly has them 2 nights a week but it never works out like that. As they have become teenagers they have started to see him for what he is. He works sporadically as he is work shy, although always has enough for weekend breaks away and money for his stupid hobby. I threatened him with the CSA and he told me he had been to Citizens Advice who told him he could claim maintenance from me. I gave up after that because I would rather live on the street than give that twat one penny.

Bentojo · 23/06/2014 22:18

Not a penny here. 3 DC. I had to leave a well paid job as 2 DC are disabled. I am now their carer.

He doesn't see them, he doesn't pay a penny. He has run rings round the CSA. Yep, he did the self employed evasion as well.

He is a spineless waste of skin.

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