To wonder how many mums get diddly squat from their ex / kids father?

[newsecretidentity]

Partly inspired by another thread which linked to the child maintenance calculator. I clicked on it, entered a very conservative estimate of ex's earnings and a very optimistic estimate of the number of nights they spend with him... and I was gobsmacked by the amount.

I hadn't looked at the calculator since we were first splitting up a year ago, and he insisted he couldn't afford maintenance and would lose the house. (Almost the day I left, the central heating system went, and he couldn't afford to fix that- so went without heat or hot water for almost a year.) I didn't push the maintenance issue, and as it turns out he's had the kids less than he originally planned. I don't feel he has any intention of ever paying support. There will always be some "issue" or reason he can't afford it. If I go through CMS, I run the risk that he'll disappear and I'll be unable to work at the times he usually has the kids.

We've managed, although it's been desperately tight at times, when clients are slow in paying their bills. I know maintenance money would help (a lot), but chasing it is a gamble I'm afraid to take.

Am I just a big mug, or are there other women like me who just give up on support and make do on their own?

My dear old daddy declined to contribute so much as a bean to my upkeep from the age of 13. He was then living abroad, and this was pre CSA.

My mother was trying to pay rent on our apartment in the UK AND the mortgage on the house abroad, which was unsellable at this point, whilst he sat on the balcony quaffing red wine, giving the occasional golf lesson to passing German tourists and dipping into their still joint account whenever the fancy took him.

Contrary to the ruminations of one person on this thread Luggage nothing about our lifestyle during that period made me happy. It was a wretched, miserable existence and it wasn't because my mother was dripping bile at my father all over the place. I thought he was a bigger turd than she did in my teens.

My children had no idea that their father was a non contributing arse parent until they reached their teens...at which point they started asking him for money for bits and bobs that I couldn't afford on their infrequent access. Not much, you know, just things like a new Xbox game maybe, or a subscription to runescape. Anyway, he would promise them the money for that and without fail they would never get it. Birthday money, Xmas money (as gifts, god forbid he should actually go and buy them a gift or even a card) were promised and never delivered.

Most recently my son asked him to pay for him to get a provisional license. I think it's about 50 quid, I couldn't pay for his driving license AND a set of 10 lessons for his birthday. XH promised him the money, and then didn't give it to him. DS was devastated. I scraped the money together and got his license sorted AND the lessons but what has my son learned from this? What damage has been done? And this DOES feed into the argument about regular maintenance, because if I had been receiving any child support it wouldn't have been such a struggle to pull this money together.

And I realise how frivolous this sounds - aw, get her complaining about not being able to afford driving licenses and shit - but the truth is that I am supremely fortunate to be living in a situation which means I have much more money than I would have if I were renting a place and paying all the bills plus everything else that comes with having two children.

My ex has never even bought them a pair of school shoes and actually cancelled payment on a cheque for school uniform that he gave me once that forced me into my overdraft and cost me an addition £35 in fines.

The point I'm making is, that this DOES affect the children. They end up knowing, no matter how hard we try to shield them, and it HURTS them and it makes them wonder about how worthy they are. So FUCK the good karma, FUCK the sense of pride in raising them alone and FUCK anyone who thinks that our children are deserving of less than the best they could have just because their NRP is a selfish bastard.

And I'm sorry PP to hear your story.

FFS I was only making a point in response to something that someone said. No need for the thread police to emerge.

In my partners case he didn't chose to be an NRP. His ex wife had numerous affairs!

I have already stated, much earlier in the thread that my DP DOES pay maintenance and way above what he 'legally should'.

And no I don't think that maintenance should be linked to contact.

There are good and bad NRPs and RPs.

Should read, in a previous thread not earlier in thread... Stupid phone.

I have never had anything from DS1's father , actually that isn't true , he did buys some socks once . He didn't want DS , i did , so i accepted that it was going to be just me and him at the age of 22 . It would have been a lot easier to bare if he hadn't tried to paint me as a scarlet woman to all and sundry in our working environment . I have been poor and we have lived in a homeless hostel , but i would do it all again to have DS , he drives me insane with his total lack of direction , but i am a far happier and better person with him in my world .

I get nothing but I do get DS who I wouldn't swap for all the money in the world.

I've made my peace with it because of XH's circumstances it is hard for him to see DS and he doesn't have much money himself.

Good for you! I'm glad your DP supports his children. (Above the legal amount as well!) he doesn't get any plaudits from me - to paraphrase Chris Rock - That's what he's MEANT to do. His wife's behaviour is one thing, it doesn't distract from his responsibility to financially contribute to his offspring.

The truth of the matter is that men who don't pay usually can't be arsed to see their children either. Someone commenting to that effect on this thread - the point you were responding to was clearly about a NRP who couldn't be fucked seeing his children - is not making a comment that requires you to counter it by going on about all those howwible withholding parents. What was the point of that? Putting forward the argument about the RP's who withhold contact is counter productive and completely unneccesary on a thread about RP's who get sweet FA financially.

Start a thread complaining about all those women who use their children as pawns, I'm sure you will get the response you desire.

Well said Used to

Call me Shirley, darling

But you're not Shirley. You used to be, now you're not.

I know it's hard for the RP, but it's the children who suffer. They are the ones that go without or watch their parent struggle. I think these NRP's should be charged with child neglect, because that's what it is. If I don't feed or clothe my child I'd expect to be arrested and go to prison. Why is it OK for them to get away with this?

you cheeky monkey! I'm only not Shirley because I lost her after Heartbleed. . she is gone but lives through me.

I totally agree. If I left my boys without food, shelter, shoes, clothes, heat, a bed, somewhere to do their homework etc etc...I would, quite rightly, be prosecuted and sent to prison probably. The children would be placed in care.

But it's just fucking fine for men (because in more than 90% of cases NRPS are men) to fuck right off, in fact there are plenty of women who will support the status quo.

And it's getting worse. I just had a letter about my claim telling me I could pay for them to carry on chasing him up or I could let it go. Part of me wants to let it go, it feels "healthier" in some way....but that's not true is it? Healthier is standing firm and fighting for what is moral, true and right. Depressing is what it is.

Oh, I'm sorry ?

I wouldn't let it go just yet. You want results. It's the principle of it! I've heard back from the court today about the arrears and I'm waiting. I could have let it go but... no. I've seen his bank statements. He'd rather sponsor a child in Africa then pay for his own child to eat so fuck him! 'Letting go' just builds resentment and there's a hello of a lot of satisfaction in seeing that order and the first maintenance payment hit your account.

I've grieved for my username of ShirleyKnot. She is gone, never to be forgotten. She spawned "Spanish bastards speaking bastard Spanish in bastard Spain" she is forever MN.

I'm never going to get a result. It's hopeless. He moves. He moves from family to family. He's living in Essex right now, I don't know his address. He doesn't declare tax, he doesn't have a bank account, he is invisible. The CSA gave up. They couldn't get the money from him because even when they had his address he was never there when the bailiffs called and there are no bank accounts. He's all cash in hand.

I have a court judgement. It means nothing.

I can either pay the CMEA to chase it without there ever being any resolution, wasted money, or I can just LET GO.

And there. Right there is the problem with the system. Why? Why should it be that I let this go or pay for the privilege of having some child support paid to me? I know he will NEVER pay me. He will move, move, move, ignore the courts..and there is NOTHING THERE to stop him. He won't lose his driving licence or his passport the way they do in other countries. Nothing will happen to him. He will just keep on making babies and not paying for them.

Luckily for me (ho ho) my kids are the first on the list, I pity the woman who came after me who took 7 years to put in a claim.

But yeah, we should be punished. We are the RP's after all, the ones who do the breakfasts, lunches and dinners, the ones who do the school uniform, daps, casual clothes, the ones who heat our homes, and keep the TV on, the ones who keep a garden for the children to play in, who pay for those school trips, the ones who pay the water rates, a TV licence, umbrellas when it rains, gloves in the winter, a sled maybe in the snow, games to play, a computer, printer and printer ink(!) because these days homework is all about the presentation, toothbrushes, toiletries, bed linen, child care, shoes, winter coats....the never ending expense of it all, not to mention nappies, dummies, milk, babygros, baby food, toys, toddler group et al.

Scratches on the surface of the reality for LP who don't get a penny in child support. Suck it and see.

My perspective is thus
My STBXH f'd off last year after 18 years and two young children.
He is currently paying. A lot. An awful lot, probably 8x CSA levels. I'm divorcing him at a huge cost in order to have a consent order by way of protecting my children.

The main reason I have fought tooth and nail for this massive provision for my children is because my father f'd off when I was 20. He remarried, had a child and my siblings and I are no longer party to his will and testament. He's wealthy. Why doesn't he want to share his assets? Because he hates my mum. I've tried to learn from my own misfortune of having a shite father.
So when it came to me.... I have made certain STBXH delivers. And in return I turn a blind eye and not one dismissive word about him passes my lips to my children. I manage the relationship they hold.

I know I'm lucky. He is willing to pay. I'm under no illusion that it could change in an instant.

I live in Essex, do you want me to hunt him down and post dog poo through his post box?

I do believe you reap what you sow - my non-paying Father is slowly realising that I'm really not that interested in him, unfortunately he can no longer trot off abroad with his wallet when it suits him.

I never received a penny from my ex when she scooted.

Not a penny from the time my Daughter was 3 until now, and my Daughter has children of her own.

The percentage of NRP's who don't pay would be similar I reckon between both mothers and fathers it's just that for obvious reasons more NRP's are male.

DS doesn't receive anything from his "father"- time or money, in fact, he tried to deny all knowledge of DS' existance.

If I'm honest, I don't trust him to be a constant presence in DS' life anyway, and I'm actually glad not to have the burden of half arsed parenting to deal with and to be able to shield DS somewhat from his father's selfish and irresponsible attitude.

I'm not well off and maintainence would be aassive help, but it's not worth sacrificing my DS stability and happiness for. I wont pursue anything until he is old enough to want it and understand it.

Heartbreaking

This thread is heartbreaking.

Maybe this should be the next MN campaign?

None, lucky if he sees him every few months and then its just to check in to make sure he still see him as a great dad.
He is useless, never had him over night.Never paid anything( my ds is 17), has for a few hours every now and again, promises him things the list is endless. Used to leave me fuming!!!! but he will never change.

Threads like this make me so cross. How can NRPs live with themselves knowing that they aren't providing for their offspring, don't they feel ashamed? My maintenance stopped in September 2012 and since then I have had the grand total of £53. I received a letter from the CSA the other week stating I will now start receiving £5p/w as he is iro benefits. Big deal, that will pay for two and a bit school dinners per week while I pay for everything else as usual.

(or whoever you are now :D)

I'm one of the lucky ones, I think. I do get the legal amount he's supposed to pay as I went through the CSA from the beginning. However it doesn't take into account that he lives with his mother with no bills or expenses to pay, whereas I obviously have an entire house to run and pay for plus all of DDs things. So he pays me a pittance (admittedly one that makes the difference between me eating and me not eating) and buys new cars, clothes, shoes, and is saving for a house. I don't envision ever being able to put a stable roof over dds head.

Yes, I am very bitter about this. Very. Do I resent my daughter? No, and fuck anyone who implies that! I love her more than anything and love being a mother but I am completely within my rights to want my daughter to have the very best her parents can provide, both of them, and I am allowed to feel sad and angry that shebis denied that.

To say poverty has NO impact on happiness has never been poor. And I mean really, sickeningly poor, where you're scared you won't be able to feed your child. Are we supposed to just suck it up and smile bravely? Fucking ridiculous.

And to the poster who thinks we should all just stop "breeding with wasters", I know several women who were in long term, stable and loving relationships/marriages, had much wanted, planned children, and then the man chested or did some other fuckong horrible thing and fucked off, never to be seem again. In the absence of a fucking crystal ball what would you have these women do?!

£400 when he was born and then not another penny. Realised it made him look like he was admitting responsibility for him. Never met him either. Been such a struggle at times and I've been devastated when he didn't want to see him or have any interest but now I'm glad as he's a horrible bastard who I don't want having any influence over my son.

My dn gets fuck all from her father he hast had anything to do with her and never given my sis a penny he is an utter scumbag and his entire family disgust me for accepting his behaviour twat